Teen stepchildren and Spanking

Teressa - posted on 06/07/2015 ( 35 moms have responded )

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I'm a stepmom to a 15 year old and birth mom to a 12 year old. my daughter, the 12 year old is polite and well behaved the 15 year old is just the opposite, always resisting whatever I say. My daughter has been raised with strict rules and spanked as needed, Which hasnt been for close to two years. My stepson brfore my marriage to his father has never been spanked. His Father has been no help saying how i handle the kids is up to me. Theres no issue with the birth Mom who was lost in a car accident before I ecame acquainted with my husband.

So my question is What do I do? James behavor is such that he torments my daughter and her behavor is turning for the worse after seeing her brother getting away with so much.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/11/2015

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This boy is gonna want to drive soon right? He is gonna wanna take drivers ed? Use the car? Or even get a car???? Yeah.....pretty sure you can add that one up. He doesn't start changing his attitude, and stop disrespecting....he gets non of that.

Michelle - posted on 06/10/2015

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No one said to tell him to wait until his Father gets home.
Like Dove just asked, are you wanting alternative punishments or just wanting to make excuses to spank him?
Dove had some great advice and I would totally agree with her. You need to let the children know that the language is not acceptable and have punishments in place.
There are a lot of different ways of disciplining children besides spanking (that doesn't work for teens anyway) so you need to try them.

Dove - posted on 06/07/2015

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If you spanked my child... especially if he was FIFTEEN years old... I'd have you arrested for assault... that is... if he didn't knock you out for assaulting him first. ;)

I see that you wouldn't have that issue (getting arrested), but be aware that if you do attempt to spank him at his age and likely size... he would be well w/in his rights to whack you back in self defense.

If he has had no discipline for 15 years it is unlikely that anything you do will have a significant impact (especially if his father still will not lay down rules and consequences).... but you can always remove privileges as needed. Have you talked to him about his behavior and why he acts that way and if he really thinks it is acceptable? Other than tormenting his sister (which pretty much every sibling does at some time to some extent)... what exactly is he getting away with?

Dove - posted on 06/15/2015

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lol If you ever hit that boy I hope he yanks that paddle out of your hand and hits you in the head w/ it.... and/or has you arrested for assault. Considering his attitude issues and the fact that he has no respect for you... hitting him would be 100% idiotic and you will deserve whatever he does in retaliiation.....

Teressa - posted on 06/15/2015

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Maybe I'm a bad Mom but I will say my daughter, who has been spanked, gives me no problems and has not been spanked for two years. With that said, currently, yesterday I rented a storage area and James is now missing his game system, moped, lap top, over priced gym shoes, television, sterio system etc. At this point he has a bed and clothes I will prepare his meals at prescribed times if he is absent or refuses to eat thts on him. I may have mention earlier that I came across a couple of Wood Paddels at a garage sale one of which now hangs on the kitchen wall the other in the bedroom hallway. James has been told more clearly then ever that his belongings will not be returned unless or until his actions change. Also any further misbehavor will result in the paddle visiting his backside! Go ahead, call me a bad Mom! This is just how it will be in my home this day forward!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/26/2015

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Hopefully, if she DID use a weapon to assault him, he called the cops and turned her in for physical assault!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/15/2015

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It's on you when he turns that paddle around. I'm sorry, but if you cannot COMMUNICATE with a 12 and 15 YO, it's not that you're a bad mom, but you need a better strategy than beating a child with a paddle.
That IS abuse, and can be prosecuted. All the kid has to do is call you in.

Dove - posted on 06/15/2015

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You've only been married 8 months? Well no wonder he doesn't listen to you.... Your authority was never established in that home and nothing will change unless his father steps in. What did he do w/ his son when he was working BEFORE you got married? Your husband needs to know that if he does not parent his son then he will need to find alternate arrangements for his son when he is working because this situation is not fair to anyone involved.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/15/2015

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He's not being a parent. YOu being the 'one home all the time' is one thing, but his son knows darn good and well that he's not exerted his parental authority to the boy to back you up. If he would enforce when he's home, and back you up it would be different.
Tell him that he either steps up, or you're going to start looking for other arrangements for the boy.

Teressa - posted on 06/15/2015

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Believe me believe me I've tried that all I get from his father is I am the one home the most with the children it's my responsibility!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/15/2015

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It is absolutely ridiculous that you are not making his father step to the plate.

Teressa - posted on 06/15/2015

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I've only been married to James father for the past eight months I'm still fumbling around how to deal with his bad attitude.

Michelle - posted on 06/12/2015

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What was the punishment for not doing his chores? This should have been addressed ages ago, not just now that he called you names.

Teressa - posted on 06/12/2015

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I could see your point, except that just isnt what is happening here. From the start I've shown James an equal amount of love as my daughter, I make his favorite meals, he has no chores, actually he does but refuses to do them. The truth is my daughter just asked me why I loved James more then I love her. My plan now is that I'm renting a storage area and having all James favorite things locked away. He gets nothing back until his behavor improves. Yes he has been clearly informed prior that this was going to happen if he didnt straighten up.

Louise - posted on 06/11/2015

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Hitting a child is never the answer. By spanking a child you are teaching that child to be violent and you are instilling ANGER in that child. That child may someday, hit others because he or she, was physically and emotionally hurt by being spanked. Physical punishment is a humiliating experience for anyone and that instills retaliation in one form or another, later on in that person's life. There could be several reasons why your step-son is acting out so badly.
I would have to say that resisting your authority, is perfectly normal in a way. Boys begin to assert themselves from the day they are born. It's in their DNA. Your step-son is at a crossroad in his development, he no longer wants to be treated as a child; he wants to assert his manhood in defying your authority, yet HE IS STILL A BOY but his 15 years old hormones are raging him into manhood. It's MIGHT BE nothing personal against you.
because it is the necessary evolution of teenagers.

However difficult it may be for you to appreciate the fact that James needs to assert himself, it's nonetheless very important that you give that step-son as much LOVE and UNDERSTANDING as you can possibly give. Perhaps, It wouldn't hurt to get him some counselling either.

However, the fact that he torments your 12 year old daughter, could be an indication of something more of an emotional issue with him. You are justified in being concerned.

I think that you should have a long talk with your husband with respect to the fact that your daughter needs to be respected and treated with LOVE AND KINDNESS from her step-brother, James. Your husband should be able to set his son straight on the fact that your daughter needs to be cherished as James younger sister not as a rival in the house.

THERE'S ALSO THE FACT THAT kids need to feel that they are equally loved and cherished without reservations and that they are a TEAM AT HOME, NOT RIVALS.

COULD IT BE THAT PERHAPS James feels that YOU love your daughter MORE than you love him and he is acting out BADLY towards your daughter because of the way you treat him? In other words, could he be taking his frustrations out on your daughter, (his step-sister) because he can't act out his feelings on you directly, but by tormenting her he is tormenting you indirectly and directly..

Perhaps, James does not feel 'THE LOVE' from you because he sees that you love your daughter more than him. James is trying to tell you ' LOVE ME' THE WAY YOU LOVE HER. LOVE conquers ALL. Sorry if I'm repeating myself, it's late and I should go to bed instead of reading Circle of Moms. Good luck and God bless you.

Dove - posted on 06/11/2015

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Since he's 15 and his dad is gone a lot... have you tried approaching him as the 'man of the house' and that you could use his help solving this situation? I don't know... just trying to think of another approach that hasn't been mentioned yet.

Teressa - posted on 06/10/2015

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I'm not ignoring any advice I just wanted to answer all who advised that James father handle this. Now to answer those who are advising loss of privledges that has been tried only to have JAMES SAY TO MY FACE TO %$ off and his doing what he wanted anyway. I have not yet tried locking his things away. i will try that, Thanks. One more thing to who said talk to him and let hime know the rules as already said he cursed at me and went on his way. Thanks to those trying to help its greatly appreciated

Michelle - posted on 06/10/2015

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Go on a camping trip and do a bunch of fun bonding stuff. Then when you guys are having a great time ask him to change a few things around in the house and put out on the table your rules and guidelines. When love is involved people react so much better.

Dove - posted on 06/10/2015

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Are you interested in changing the situation... or just making excuses that have NOTHING to do w/ any of the responses that you've been given?

Teressa - posted on 06/10/2015

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I failed to mention my hisband is a Long Haul Trucker and away from home weeks at a time. Telling my stepson to "wait until your father gets home!" just is'nt an option. He has told me the children are my responsibility including matters of discipline. YES MY STEPSON HASE BEEN MADE AWARE OF THIS.

Dove - posted on 06/09/2015

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Although you said your experience happened at a grocery store... so I'm still unsure of how that relates to a bus cuz there are creepy people anywhere you could go outside of your own home....

Dove - posted on 06/09/2015

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Michelle... school bus, not a regular bus. Though by 12 my girls WERE riding the regular bus around town here... no issues. Sorry that happened to you, but it does not relate to me simply mentioning the possibility that the OP's stepson might right the school bus.

Michelle - posted on 06/09/2015

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Dove,

Thank you for sharing all your ideas! I think that they are great and very helpful. However about putting your child on a buss, this may work in some safe communities and some kids. But I'd be carefull about this because dangerous people and drugged up people can expose things to your kids if they're alone. I would not put them on a buss because of this world we are living in. I had someone hand me a blank piece of paper at the gerocery store that had a drug that made me pass out about 5 min after touching! And I was 22 at the time. It's stuff like this that makes me sad about the world we live in, and now that I have kids I know i need to protect them.

Dove - posted on 06/09/2015

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No one said let him go unpunished... Absolutely do not tolerate that talk, but you don't hit him for it either...

Do you do any of his laundry or make his meals or drive him anywhere? If so... tell him that as long as he is going to be disrespectful he will be on his own for doing laundry and making his meals and the only place you will transport him is to/from school (if he doesn't take the bus). He doesn't HAVE to have anything fun in life and you do not have to do for him things he is capable of doing himself... those are the privileges he can earn by treating the other members of the household w/ respect.

Michelle - posted on 06/09/2015

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We aren't saying for him to go unpunished but there are other ways.
You take things away, ground him, stop his access to technology for just a few ideas.
You need to find his currency and use it.

Michelle - posted on 06/09/2015

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Spanking would work if he understood it, and it was his father doing it. But in this case you must be careful because you dont want him hurting your daughter by getting crazy. There were 4 of us growing up and my dad spanked after a buncha warnings if it was really bad but he always hugged and loved us afterwards and did a lot of explaining. 15 yr old kids are super strong and super smart. So think of a smart way to show him your the boss, like setup some kind of reward system for being good. Like set a date to do a fun family camping trip and tell him that if he's good for 2 months you'll rent a jet ski for him to drive but if he acts up he'll loose the opportunity. Think of somehting in your life like that that he can look forward to that you are in control to take away. Tell him you love him. But you have to outsmart him. You can do it!!!

Teressa - posted on 06/09/2015

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ou can all be assured I've talked to that boy over and over again. How many times do I allow a 15 year old tell me to @#%& off in front of my daughter then go unpunished ?

MaryAnn - posted on 06/08/2015

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Not going to engage in the spanking debate... because there really is no point. What i will say is that the reason you shouldn't spank a fifteen year old boy is the same reason you shouldn't smack a full grown Rottweiler in the mouth for barking. Other things work better, and frankly, you will either be overpowered or end up in a nasty scuffle. Just dont do it.
When it comes to your stepson, remind him that you will not be disrespected in your own home. Remind him that there is a twelve year old girl looking up to him. And after a couple good warnings- do what you can do. Temporarily change the WiFi password. Turn the t.v. off. Ask him to go to his room.
This here isnt your main problem though. You need your husbands support. Ask him to take his son out for coffee or something positive and lay down the rules. (Stepmom) is to be respected. When she asks you do chores or homework, you do them. When she says it is time to do x, it is time to do x. This way, it becomes clear to (stepson) that disrespecting you is disrespecting him.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/07/2015

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How about communication? You know...TALK to the boy. He's a human being, capable of engaging in conversation. I've always found that the best way to handle my teens...versus assaulting them, that is...
Dad also needs to step up.

Michelle - posted on 06/07/2015

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I agree with Dove.
I also think the Father needs to step up and discipline his child. With all children the parents need to be backing each other up with rules and punishment, not just 1 parent doing it all.

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