Teenage appropriate discipline

Roberta - posted on 05/13/2013 ( 72 moms have responded )

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Okay, I'm sort of at a loss here. My daughter is 16 (nearly 17). She has her own car (a 1997 blazer provided by her step father and I). She has a 3.45 GPA. Has outgrown her experimentation with drugs and alcohol (via confirmed testing). Has a boyfriend (over 12 months now) who dropped out of high school, has a extensive criminal record, couch surfs, does not work and collects general assistance. She let him use her car, he gets pulled over for poor driving, the car gets impounded and he gets arrested. All this while she already had been disciplined previously for allowing him to drive the car. $700 later we wonder what type of discipline to impose. We have taken the car for the last two weeks of school, when she begins her internship for the summer. Good enough? Or should we be doing more? P.s. the boyfriend has offered to pay the money we are out.

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Michelle - posted on 05/20/2013

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So here' s what I would do:

1). Tell your daughter to get EVERYTHING out of the car.

2). Instruct her to clean it, detail the interior with q-tips, wash it, wax it...etc.

3). Do not tell her why. Pull it caddy corner in the yard and put a FOR SALE sign on it with both your home and cell number on it. (If no one calls, ask a couple of your friends to call). Inflate the cost ALOT, so if someone does buy it, it won't be such a bad thing.
She may have one of her friends to call so treat every call as if you want to sell it.

4). Tell your daughter that you really hope she an pay you the money SHE owes for impound, gas, insurance, etc... Tell her that since she broke the rules, you are not holding up your end of the bargain either-gas and insurance are not free, it all costs money.

5). Inflate the cost of gas, make it $6.00 per gallon and lay it out on paper. Let her know that you have been more than fair, but those days are over.

6). Internship is a privilege just like driving, paid or unpaid. If she asks you to drive her somewhere, ADD IT TO THE LIST in dollars. When she starts telling you that she will never get out of debt at the rate you charging her. Let her know that this is really how the world works, rides aren't free and you will be happy to call her a cab if she has the cash.

This is a very important lesson for both of you and I hate it when that happens. Grounding my son makes my life uncomfortable for a little while, but here's the best part: we spend time together and he actually turns into a grateful human being who I enjoy. Crazy...but we have a good time when he is grounded.

Ground her long enough and the boy will probably go away.

No matter what you do, DO IT. Cutting her an ounce of slack right now is mis-shaping her future.

Good luck, gonna be a long summer, no matter what you do so do it on your terms. She is still the child.

Myia - posted on 05/19/2013

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Your daughter letting boyfriend drive her car is a danger to you and your husband. You can be sued if he hits someone and kills them.If taking the car away did not stop her from letting him drive, she's not going to stop. Protect your home and family, sell the car and tell her she is on her own getting around from now on. She is still under age which puts you and your hubby in the hot seat.

Laurie - posted on 05/16/2013

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I dont agree with keeping her away from the boyfriend. He is no good but your daughter has to realize that on her own. If you try to keep her from the boyrfriend, she will rebell and want to be with him more. My suggestion is to make her pay for the car. She is turning into an adult and you should trian her on how to be a responsible adult. Whenever her boyfriend does something to the car or whatever expense it is, she needs to pay for it. Tell her its is her boyfriend and if thats the type of person she wants to be with then she has to pay for his doing. Thats what happens when you have a mate in life. She will soon see he is no good when she has to keep paying for his mistakes.

Linda - posted on 05/20/2013

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Your Daughter sounds like me when I was her age. My mom ended up making rules I had to abide by, or I was out on the street. First I was only allowed to drive my car to school and work only. My mom knew the mileage to both places round trip. If I went over then she knew that I went somewhere or let Him drive. I had to pay $1.00 for every mile over she checked this daily. Second if I didn't leave him she would send me to my father a man I haven't seen since I was 3 years old. Eventually it made me wise upand listen. Hope this helps.

Rhonda - posted on 05/19/2013

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As I look in the rearview mirror of the recent years with my adult kids, I'd like to recommend that you proceed with caution. Your relationship with your daughter is important.

First of all, if this were my daughter, I'd take her out for a nice dinner in a classy restaurant. I would tell her that she has done a great job of coming clean with the drugs, and that you're proud of her for making that wise decision.

Then, I'd ask her what qualities she is looking for in the ideal man. Jot down her answers, and don't comment. Just nod and write. I don't think you'll have to say much more than that. Just smile, and hand her the list. My guess is that she'll do some inventory checking on her own.

However, if she doesn't wise up on her own, I'd then set down the boundaries. The boyfriend would only be allowed in your house when you are there. I would encourage her to invite him to join you for dinner and a game night. As you show him and her respect, I'm betting that they will rise to the occasion. But, do not allow him to be there when you're not. If they don't respect your rules, then I'd tell her that you have no choice, but to ban him from your house, and to ground her from dating him.

I suggest you also tell her that you have high hopes and believe that she will respect your wishes. However, the choice is hers to make, and you really hope she won't put you in the place of having to hand out a consequence.

I would not alert her to what I would do next. I would check up on her/them frequently. Ask your friends and neighbors to let you know if they see him there when you're gone. Tell them they are more than welcome to stop by when you're gone.

Next, I'd explain how you are legally responsible for her decision to allow her boyfriend to drive her/your vehicle. Tell her that just as she overcame her experimentation with drugs, that she needs to make sure this never happens again. I would tell her that I would love to see her overcome her poor decisions to disregard your wishes, and that you will hold her accountable. I would NOT take her car away. However, I would tell her that I asked all my friends to inform me if they see her boyfriend driving her/your vehicle. I'd also do some super-sleuth work, and check up on her on the sly. Watch her mileage, and don't be afraid to follow them from a distance.

I'd also tell her up front that there will be unfavorable consequences if she even allows him to drive one more time. I would tell her that if she disregards your rules again, that you would feel obligated to accompany her on their dates. I wouldn't bat an eye, just let her know that I would follow through--and do it, if it comes to that.

To summarize, I'd say tell her that if she makes wise choices like a responsible adult that she will be given freedom and trust. But, that if she chooses not to, then you'll be forced to treat her like a child who still needs your supervision.

Anyways, that's my two-cents worth of advice.

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Kelly - posted on 05/20/2013

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I feel for you its such a hard spot. but i agree with most....no car until the money is paid back by HIM and then only use is for internship until she proves to you she can be trusted again abductions responsible. this is such a hard age cause if you pull the reins in to far then they only retaliate and sometimes thats worse. you could explain your feelings of the boyfriend and restrict her privileges with him but i wouldnt make to many demand encased she turns the other way. she does also need to understand that the car is a privilege and not a given also her social time.....hopefully she will see she can do better and turn her self around and know she deserves a better guy in her life.....good luck and god bless

Sarah - posted on 05/20/2013

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The biggest mistake you made was let her keep that boyfriend period. When she started dating him she was only 15 and he was criminal already and welfare bum to boot, what were you thinking. When my daughters were underage and driving, they where only ones allowed to drive their car, if I found out they let someone else drive it it keys were taken away for good 6 weeks. Criminal record boyfriend got them grounded till they got over him and it did not matter that they were strait A students. If she does not have a job get her one and till the end of school year in my house it would be school, job and home, if she has nice girlfriends they can come over to your house and have fun. Do you realize if she is with him when he gets arrested next time it is highly likely that she will be arrested with him, I have a feeling that you don't know enough about him or he would not be driving her car period. I agree with other women she should be paying for $700 impound fee, her car her responsibility.
Boyfriend has to go for sure, do you want to be charged with aiding and abetting next time he does something criminal and she brings him to your house while police is looking for him.
I use to run runaway house for teens and know what I am talking about.
One of mine was grounded at age 17 1/2 for 9 months which meant she was still grounded when she turned 18 and decided to stay and live at home, my house my rules, don't like it there is a door and don't let it hit you in an ass on your way out. She would go out and do things with her older sister or her best friend and her parents ( 3 doors down) but no boyfriends during that period.
You as a parent have to be so busy with your own life and get more involved with your daughters life. In my eyes you are failing your daughter as her mother and stepfather is just buying her affections by buying her a car, stop being her friends and start being her parents. She is at a point in her life where she will be making some big decisions soon and she will need parents not friends.

Candace - posted on 05/20/2013

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I feel your pain. This is why I have told my daughter since she was a toddler, no dating till she is out of high school. She is a child for such a short time, she can worry about adult things and boy matters when she gets older. If it were my kiddo, I would sit down with the boyfriend and her and explain to both of them, that this is a volatile relationship and they need to wait until she is out of high school to continue it. If he cares for her, he will let her go and allow her to focus on school and her internship and get his life together. Explain to her that if she cares for him, she will let him do that. Allow him to grow up and take some responsibilities, even if it is a paper route, or mowing lawns. If they feel they are in love and meant to be together, then he needs to figure out how to be a man. Perhaps in their time away, he may hook up with someone else and it will show her, what he really is and that boys are not worth this headache when you are young. (Please no haters, I have a son too, I am not anti-boy). Tell her that she has lost her privilege to drive the car. Yes, you will have to be moms' taxi service again, but it is better than the alternative. If you are not able to take her, get a friend or dad to do it. She has already disobeyed you by allowing her boyfriend to drive it. If you give it back to her, she will not "own it." She needs to "own" the fact that she went against your wishes. School is more important than boys! School is more important than driving a car around. Yes, it is inconvenient for you, but who said kids were a convenient part of life. I don't plan on allowing my kids to get their licenses until they graduate from school. Again, they have a short time to be kids and their whole lives to worry about adult issues. Anyway, if this boy really cares about her, he will wait for her. If she is just a fling for him, it is better that he not be around her anyway. Just my 2 cents. I am a very conservative mom. I teach my son to be a gentleman and tell my daughter that she does not need to rely on a man for anything. My husband agrees that there should be no dating, but we disagree on the driving issue. I was a model child from kindergarten, got straight A's. When I was given a license to drive, that is what I did. School was 3rd on my list of priorities. Take from your own experiences. How did you react when you were a kid to how your parents punished or rewarded you. The fact that you care at all is a step in the right direction, most parents, could care less. Good luck!

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If she were my daughter, I would have had HER pay the $700 to get the car back. SHE is the one who decided to let someone else drive her car, so SHE needs to take responsibility for that action.

Now that you've already taken the car out of impound, I would keep it from her until she pays you back the $700. If she wants to make the boyfriend pay, that is up to her, but you shouldn't give her the car back until you have $700 in hand.

Erin - posted on 05/20/2013

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Frankly the boyfriend needs to go! Your house, your rules. but yeah I think the car should not go back until the bf pays you back. That's just ridiculous.

Leslie - posted on 05/20/2013

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You say two words that make me really weary with driving. Drugs and Alcohol! You say that she has outgrown her experimentation. I really hope so. Has or does the boyfriend do drugs? Cars and these do not mix. As a mom, I would let her use the car for her internship and that would be all. Make sure she is at her internship and can show responsibility. Love her the whole time you are doing this! Let her know that you are doing this for her safety! My thing is that I trust you until you prove me wrong, then if that happens you have to earn my trust back. Hope this helps!

Toni - posted on 05/20/2013

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I agree with Diane. She doesn't get the car until her "boyfriend" pays the debt, which will NEVER happen: he doesn't have a job! Until then she can catch the bus, walk etc. Apparently she continues to take your kindness for weakness and does what her she wants. Having book sense is great, her level of common sense is pretty low: drugs at a rather young age, boyfriend with NOTHING going for him, poor judgment continously on her part.
I do disagree with Rebekah, I did not screw up at 17, niether did my siblings, my nieces & nephews nor my daughter. Strong but loving discipline and guidance from my parents saw to that. Do not allow just being a teenager as a ticket to be out of control. Plus sounds like her problems started in her early teens. Good luck & stand firm.

User - posted on 05/20/2013

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I can't believe what I just read. Blows my mind. She doesn't get the car until HE pays for the financial damage. He doesn't drive the car again, and if he does, the car is yours, to either drive, or sell. She can take the bus, the train, bike, or walk. I absolutely never purchased automobiles for my kids. It was their job to earn money for that. The boyfriend made an offer. He is not allowed on your property, period. Why would you encourage this. I'm also assuming you have her on the pill. If she's do damn smart, why the need to be loved by someone so unlovable?

Rebekah - posted on 05/20/2013

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If you let her know what you think of him it will just make her want him more.. shes 17! Thats what we all did! If there was a boy mum didn't like I would like him more - even if he was a dropkick.. They are 17 and 17 year olds all screw up - its part of life.. just be there for her when she needs you and don't be too harsh but defiantly tell her you wont be helping financially next time...Or make them both do some things around the house - maybe he could mow your lawn for the next few months? :) $700 is a lot of money when your young!

Jajuanna - posted on 05/19/2013

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I don't have experience with a 17 year old myself but It hasn't been long since I was one. I think you should make her pay the $700.00 and then after she is paid up, make her pay for her portion of the car insurance. She will appreciate her vehicle a lot more if she spends money on it. If you are the type of parent that doesn't want your child to work, don't give her allowance for the time it would take to pay the debt. She will do one of two things: 1. She will bug her boyfriend for the money. or 2. She will choose not to and pay it on her own. Either way you will get what you are owed and if she bugs him and he doesn't come through, she will dump him. Win, win!

DeeDee - posted on 05/19/2013

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How about taking her off the insurance if she does it again? It only raises your premiums and if she can't follow the rules then you aren't willing to pay for it.

Cyndi - posted on 05/19/2013

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Just a question ...why is it ok to break rules with very little punishments? Sit down, create a contract stating each responsibility and the payoff for being responsible. Then list the rule breakers and accompanying punishment. Be very matter of a fact, no bargaining or whining.

Kim - posted on 05/19/2013

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I'd say she lost the right to her car. You should've let the car stay impounded & let HER deal with it. Next time, let her learn the consequences of her actions!!!

Jana - posted on 05/19/2013

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I think you need to sit down with her and talk from your heart. What you are afraid of. Also how proud you are of her and how you want her to have a life that she deserves. Understand that for whatever reason, she loves this boy. She may feel like his savior. She is probably a really good kid who is manipulated by a sob story. That doesn't make her weak, just kind hearted. I think you need to be firm, but patient. Let her use car for internship only. Keep her busy. Get her on birth control. Let her know that you understand she loves this boy. But he may not drive your car. And he needs to respect her and your family. Tell her consequences will be no car or cell. You will drive her everywhere. If she breaks rules again. Remember, you don't want to push her further into his arms. If he is a sad story, and you put him down, she will protect him. If you treat him with respect, and expect respect back, she may see how you must really love her, and she may not like him being disrespectful to you. Listen to her. Love her, respect her, and be firm. Keep her busy, and hopefully she will meet someone more deserving of her, and she will dump loser. And then she can see how good it feels to have a nice boyfriend.

Monica - posted on 05/19/2013

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you need to sit down with your daughter and open her eyes of what kind of a boyfriend she has. If he truely loves her he could change his behavior.when i was in highschool two years ago, my boyfriend at age 17 was ditiching in school, lieing and didnt plan on graduating from school..and I told him if he doesnt change I will break up with him. He changed within the same day because he loved me. He has his diploma now and starting college this fall, he's a great father and has changed tremendously. She needs to know that she can do better if he doesnt change his act up.

Katie - posted on 05/19/2013

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I would get that in writing from the boyfriend. Take him to court if he doesn't pay. I would take the car away till you feel she has proven she can be responsible with it and the money is paid back to you because if you didn't intervene it would still be impounded and she would be without. I personally think that is more than 2 weeks. Who pays the insurance and who's name is the car under, you or her? If your paying it and something happens while boyfriend is driving insurance goes up and you're paying more (lets face it boyfriend doesn't have insurance either), and if something goes wrong and he hurts someone and the car is in your name the other person can come after you too. And I also believe it's her responsibility to find transportation while without a car whether she walks, busses it, cab, subway, or pays you to take her, WHEN YOU ARE AVAILABLE. This is an important lesson to learn now before she is an adult. You would hate for this to be a reoccurring problem especially since you had previously told her that boyfriend couldn't drive and then she let him anyway. I'm sure she probably feels like he'll be mad if she doesn't let him drive, but if he doesn't respect her and can't respect your wishes, he's probably not the right guy for her, (you probably already know that!)
Good Luck, I hope you get this worked out!

Kimberly - posted on 05/19/2013

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Your daughter is 17, she is nearly an adult. It is time to let her fly on her own wings. Now is the time to let her suffer the consequences of her choices, but be right there beside her, letting her know you are there for her. Boyfriend should either pay back the legal fees or do work for you to pay off those fees. It is obvious your daughter is a hard worker since she has fabulous grades and an internship lined up for the summer. Perhaps some research into the cost of an insurance policy in her name might be a good idea. Once she discovers the high cost of providing her own policy, she may realize that she can't afford to disobey your wishes. Let her know that you can't risk the liability for her boyfriend's carelessness on your policy. If she allows him to drive again, help her to get a separate policy that she has to pay for.
Support her as best you can, get to know her boyfriend and be a good influence on both of them. I wish you the best of luck.

ASTRO - posted on 05/19/2013

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Take this loser up on his offer but don't be surprised if he's all talk.. If he doesn't pay it up front there needs to be a short term payment plan in place.. I would take away her vehicle until his debt to you is paid or only let her drive when absolutely needed with loser boy not to be allowed in the car.. If you have to take extreme measures like placing a camera in the vehicle and/or a tracking device don't be afraid to do so.. Does your daughter have a history with dating guys like this? Getting her some counseling would be beneficial or at least limit the time she spends with this bottom feeder.. I wasted my teen years with a loser who sucked me dry so I am speaking from experience.. Guys like this only want to bring a young girls self worth down to their level and even attempt to trap them with pregnancy.. Please make sure your daughter is on birth control!

Valerie - posted on 05/19/2013

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Hi Roberta, Personally I Would TakE The Car From Her. HElp Her Figure Out Her To And From Transportation. I Hope All Works Out Soon.

Bobbi - posted on 05/19/2013

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And how is the boyfriend planning on paying what you are out? Seriously, this is the second time she's let him use the car that you and your husband provide although she knew it was against the rules. Driving is a privilege, not a right. Take the car. NOT just for 2 weeks. I don't know where you live, but have her get to her internship by bus, bike, parental taxi (she can pay for the gas)... You get the idea.

Lisa - posted on 05/19/2013

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Roberta,
Most of the advice I've seen would be to take the car. I agree, though, that an internship is a great opportunity and the car should only be used for it, with checking mileage. If she doesn't abide by that, the obvious "you will get caught " then make her find another way so she appreciates the luxury of a car. She will probably meet a good man through her experience, learn what a loser she has now, and move on to a better life for herself. And DEFINITELY make it difficult to see her current "thug

Lisa - posted on 05/19/2013

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To Mary, "Her lying cheating but needs to get a JOB not an internship to pay you back. " is not correct grammar. You seem only to be here to boast about your seemingly perfect two teens. The truth is, most teens try to experiment at one time during those curious years. At least this PARENT, (not perfect being) is trying to ask for advice. Most don't care, or are under the misconceptions that their children are perfect.

Sent via phone, so pardon the grammatical errors!!!

Olga - posted on 05/19/2013

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have the boyfriend pay the money, and let her know that if it happens again, the car will be taken away.

Mary - posted on 05/19/2013

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Take the car and sell it. Let her disrespectful butt ride public transportation. Make the boyfriend pay for the legal fees he incurred. Just because she can drive doesn't mean she should. Her lying cheating but needs to get a JOB not an internship to pay you back.

As for the thug she's dating, saying anything against him will make her run to him even more desirable - though the drug use and drinking your daughter did/does makes her just as much a thug. I'd have her submit repeatedly to drug test because there is no "drug phase" My two teens simply don't use drugs.

The issue honestly is with parenting not the child. You've failed to set a firm and positive example. The idea that drug and alcohol use is a phase is ludicrous.

Mary Lynn - posted on 05/19/2013

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One thing not mentioned is the disrespect that both the daughter and boy friend have shown the parents by not following the rules. Each knew the rule and they each chose to ingnor the rules. Also having a car is not a "right". It is a previledge that is earned. She has obviously proven that she is not mature enough for such a responsiibility and a car is a very large responsibility. The boyfriend would not be welcomed in my home. The car would be sold. The money could alway be set aside and in a few years, once the daughter h as proven herself trustworthy, used for her education.
Mary Lynn

Tamia - posted on 05/19/2013

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Im 22yrs old n I was goin through the same thing wit my mom n comin from me. I dont think taking the car is going to change anything. U need to sit down n explain everything step by step. let ur daughter know no one is to drive the car unless she is ready to pay her own insurance for the car n let her know u wont always b there to pay for the car needs unless its necessary. Tell her that her future is more important than a boy right now once she gets where she is financially stable then she can make foolish mistakes but she needs to c from u n her step father that yall r serious n it hurts yall to punish her. But she has to learn n she will ... I did n I thank my mom everyday cuz I am now married for 5yrs wit 3 children n my husband n I are financially stable on r now in the process of owning our own home.

Stephanie - posted on 05/19/2013

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You should take the car for the summer. She didn't listen once, or twice, do you think she will the 3rd time. If no can take her to her internship or she can't take a bus, then limit the car to and from work..check mileage. The drop-out dead-beat boyfriend would be banned from my house. I know you cant tell her to not see him, but you can make it difficult. Plain and simple, she is not an adult. She lives in your house, and although you have given her the car, is it in her name, and who pays insurance and gas?? A little tough love is a good thing. She should be afraid enough of your disappoint to not let someone else drive her car. Good luck, at least your trying to be the best parent you can...thats the first hurdle :)

Regina - posted on 05/19/2013

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I would take her car and sell it make her watch you sell it. Make the dead beat boyfriend pay you back then as some one else said get her so busy with things she will not have time for him. She has to see that you mean what you say. It's called tuff love it works with my 16 year old. Good luck!

Esta - posted on 05/19/2013

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Hi,
Pls do not take any money from your daughter's boyfriend, take the car from her and let her use the bus to wherever she has to go. Then keep talking to her at moments when you know she's calm, don't be pushy or judgemental but be careful to give her reasons why she can't be with the guy but I must say, this stage of her life is very exciting so you must always ask the Holy Spirit to guide you by putting the right words into your mouth before you speak with her, the Holy Spirit works wonders. It will not end immediately but with time, it will. God bless u.

Jeanette - posted on 05/19/2013

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I agree with everyone's advice here.....She is not responsible enough to have her own car. Take it away from her...sell it if you have to, so she can't drive it when you aren't aware of what she is doing. And definitely get the boyfriend to pay for the impounding.

We too, are going through issues with our granddaughter, who lives with us, so I sympathize. No amount of discipline seems to matter. She still has another year of school after this one, but will turn 18 this month.

She has decided to move out and in with her boyfriend's family. They do not live in the same town as we do and the two of them have actually had only one date. Most of their relationship is via cell phone. We didn't find out her plans until I talked to his Mom a couple of weeks ago. Because of her age, we can not stop her from moving out. I am devestated. There isn't any way this will have a happy ending for her. The Mom obviously is thinking only about keeping her son under her supervision (he's 16). She will be going to the same school her boyfriend is going to next year. I hope, at least, that she does graduate. "His" mom told me she was putting her on birth control when she moves in with them, but since they have kept all of this a secret from my husband and I, their judgement is not reliable. That, and our granddaughter won't even take vitamins regularly, so I doubt she will take the pill unless the boys Mom is standing there watching her swallow it. She is still a virgin, something she has been very proud of herself for despite the peer pressure at school. But, under the new living arrangements, I see this changing.

My husband is livid, as we have turned our lives upside down just to have her living with us. She has had so many advantages since she came to live with us that she wouldn't have had otherwise.

She is our only grandchild and we have been a huge part of her life since she was born. I was there to see her born and take her first breath...so it really hurts that I won't be a part of her life anymore.

Sorry, I know this was about your problem, but just wanted you to know sometimes things get out of your control no matter how hard you try.

Robin And Mike St - posted on 05/19/2013

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Introduce her to another guy
Keep her schedule so busy she doesn't have time to see him and get pregnant

Katherine - posted on 05/19/2013

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Yeah. Welcome his payment.

It sounds like there are too many experiments going on in his court.

I have a son staying with relatives because his 14.5 year old behavior as a male and drug-experimentation is out of hand. This relates to your story because I have my hands full with my career and masters program. His defiance is unacceptable and a famiy down the street is enabling him.

Your daughter may be bright, and so it sounds quite capable at her age. Yet why do you need another kid dropping your expenses down who isn't part of the family?

I would take away the car. She can see her boyfriend without it. He may be nice, yet using the treats she has earned. 'Hope this is helpful.

Krista - posted on 05/19/2013

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Who is paying to have the car released? The $700 should be coming out of her pocket. Or if it came out of yours, then remove the registration from the vehicle and reclaim it as yours. If she is not responsible enough to make good decisions about the vehicle, then she should not have access to it, or alternatively - let her bail herself out for the poor choices she makes regarding the vehicle. Maybe if it stayed impounded until she could get it out, she might think twice the next time her boyfriend asked . . .

I guess if you have already paid out the $700, treat the car as if it is still impounded, and she can have the car back when the $700 is repaid.

That is what I would do.

BethAnn - posted on 05/19/2013

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wow I guess my parents were very strict because i wouldn't have even been allowed to date a guy like that either. I would take the car away for good, take the cell phone away, and pay back anything she owes due to the huge mistake she made by letting him drive it in the first place and she need to know that you are not happy with the so called boyfriend and he is not accepable in your eyes and she should be dumping him before she makes a bigger mistake that could impact her whole life!!! Yes the boyfriend needs to pay you back as well. I wouldn;t have even paid to get the car out of impound in the first place. If you don't want ehr with him you need to get tough and say what you mean and mean what you say.

Sheila - posted on 05/19/2013

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I would take the money from the boy friend as repayment for his poor judgement. I would then keep the car. Have her take public transportation to and from her internship to realize that a car is privilege and until she can pay for the insurance she doesn't get it. That way she understands the importance of the rules. The first rule we had is good grades b's and above and no infractions in the car as well as paying for the insurance if our son wanted to use the car. He had to buy his first one himself we never gave one to him - he learned the value of his work and car that way.

Jennifer - posted on 05/19/2013

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take the car away for good.. buy her a 10 speed or monthly bus pass.. parental lock her phone. meaning can only call or text family and select friends... tht could be affective.

Vickie - posted on 05/19/2013

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Taking the car was a good first step. She needs to pay you your money back because she allowed him to drive the car. If there is a bus where she can get to her internship on time I would make her take that for the first two weeks of her internship. In addition, she would lose all rights to the car if she allowed him to drive again.

Charlotte - posted on 05/19/2013

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In my own opinion she should be obligated to pay it back or lose the car, she needs the same consequences an adult would have to pay, in my own opinion, any of her decisions that directly affect you should affect her even if it was the boyfriend, she is just as responsible as he is because it her things and your money which does not come easily for most. Obviously the boyfriend is living day to day without proper ambitions or proper initiatives and she may be unable to see it at this time but you still have to guard yourself and her as much as possible. She will appreciate it later. I only have one teenager right now that is not driving yet but there is no way that I would not allow him to face the consequences of his actions no matter who else was involved. Depending on your child it may or may not be good to require the relationship to end or pick her friends but she needs to understand that there will be consequences for irresponsible behavior when she is involved. That is how I would handle it.

Carol - posted on 05/19/2013

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You have to make her responsible for her actions. Nobody learns if there are no consequences. They will just keep on doing it over and over again especially if someone bails them out each time. Parents cannot move the goal posts every time as then there is no "line" it just keeps on being moved so they don't learn a thing. I am talking from experience once we drew a line in the sand - attitude changed and our child became a pleasure - after many tantrums and tears we persevered and have never looked back. Sounds cliche if you don't do it now they will grow into irresponsible adults and unfortunately we will not be there forever to bail them out each time. If you say you going to do it then do it don't give them an option

Loree - posted on 05/19/2013

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I would make them both pay. Sorry if u want to behave like an adult then u have to take on the responsibility. I wouldn't give the car back until the money is paid. She'd have to find transportation to and from internship unless it's really difficult . Because what happens when u as parents can't afford to help?

Barbara - posted on 05/19/2013

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It sounds like your daughter has a hard time saying no 'especially' to her bf. It might be helpful for her for you to say no ---- specifically only allowing her the keys for her internship and them not having them at other times until she proves she is able to make better decisions.... I always told my kids that vehicles are 'loaded weapons' and they needed to be handled with maturity and thoughtfulness- no exceptions. Good luck - I've often thought if my kids came out as teens instead of cute little babies I might have waited a little longer... :)

Bev - posted on 05/19/2013

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If this is the second time I would sell the car and pay yourself back. Obviously the bf needs his money elsewhere....btw, is the car in her name or yours? if yours then seel for sure as you can be held responsibile for what he does in it since she won't keep him from driving.....I know it is tough, my son just turned 21 and had a very rough spell a couple of years ago and my daughter, nearly 20 is still a nightmare often....good luck

Kristi - posted on 05/19/2013

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Penny--

You sound like a thoughtful person. I do hope you weren't implying that Roberta was trying to buy her daughter's love or only show's her daughter love through material things. That would be very uncalled for and rude.

I'm very happy you and your family are so close and successful. But, just because someone does something different than you doesn't mean they don't love or care for their kid(s) enough and/or the "right" way.

And newsflash...some of the most loving parents in the world still end up with children who don't always make great decisions or wind up with doctorates and vice versa. Most of us do our best everyday to do the best we can for our children. You should count your blessings not condescend them on others.

Penelope - posted on 05/18/2013

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We didn't believe in giving teenagers something like a car without their earning it. In the real adult world, you have to be self-sufficient, and 16 year old teenagers are fast approaching adulthood. They need to get used to working hard and earning their rewards.
We did not give our children cars when they turned 16. They used the family cars
when they were available and, with permission, when they needed them. We did get used cars for them when commuting to college brought the need for regular transportation. We only signed the cars over to them as their own property when they achieved their B.A. That was their graduation present.
We gave them lots of love and affection and are still a close and loving family. Both children (now grown) have master's degrees and constantly win kudos in their jobs for outstanding performance. Giving love doesn't have to include giving expensive gifts that they might not be ready for at 16.
Penny

Sylvia - posted on 05/17/2013

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The next car she drives should be one she paid (or is paying for, along with the insurance) for.

How is someone who didn't finish high school and doesn't work going to repay $700?

Roberta - posted on 05/17/2013

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Thank you, thank you, thank you! I feel much better about where we are at with our daughter now. We ended up with a set of consequences that included much of what I read here and while we may not all agree with some of the advice given, the simple fact that it is given and available made us feel so much better. Thanks again to all!

Leanna - posted on 05/17/2013

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It sounds reasonable to me...is the car titled to her or her? You might also want to verify what your insurance covers for other drivers. I know mine covers any licensed driver who has the vehicle with my permission, but I don't know if all are that way. After this episode is paid for though(by both of them?), I would let her know that she is an adult and will need to make adult decisions, including who uses her vehicle. If she then continues to allow him to drive her car, any consequences, be they accident bills, loss of the vehicle, or loss of a job will be hers to sort out - you will not help her with them again...I would also have him present for this discussion.Harsh maybe, but she has to learn some time!

Carol - posted on 05/17/2013

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I'd make the boyfriend pay back the $700. If he doesn't have the money immediately because he's the dropout loser that he sounds like, have your daughter pay you back first and then have him pay her. Get his agreement in writing though, so it's easier to prove if you ever need to take it to court. I hope for your daughter's sake that he'll be out of the picture soon and I'd hate for her to lose the money. Taking the car away until she needs it for work and grounding her sounds reasonable. She sounds like she has so much going for her, what does she see in him?

Melissa - posted on 05/17/2013

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I married the "bad boy" and I am so happy I did! We have a wonderful son and have been married for 14 years.

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