teenage daughter

Louise - posted on 10/11/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )




my 15 year old daughter is making my life so miserable, she is miserable doesn't talk, its almost like we don't get on and to be honest im not liking her that much at the moment. I feel really bad but im happier when shes at school where they say she is one of the most polite and kind kids ever.she is throwing things around in her bedroom right now because I wont allow her to sleepover at a friends house reason I don't particularly like how that family lives. I need help


[deleted account]

Teens can be tricky. You have to let them have some control and freedom to show them that you trust them, then they will be more open with you. (That said, not TOO much freedom!)

Right now she is mad because you refused to let her stay with a friend. You don't like the way the friend's family lives, and that is understandable. Your daughter clearly values this friendship and sees your reasons for not letting her go as judgment against her friend, and as lack of trust in her (your daughter) to form valid opinions about who she should be friends with and who she shouldn't, and also a lack of trust in her to stand up to temptation and peer pressure. Those are big blows to a teen and they will always put her on the defensive, which pits her against you and causes the arguments.

Have you tried offering a compromise? Have the friend stay the night at your house perhaps?

At some point soon, you will no longer have the power to keep her from interacting with people you find unsavory. She will interact with them, and she will likely not tell you anything about it. If you let her see for herself why you disapprove of this family now, she will learn a valuable lesson about who to associate herself with, but it is a lesson that must be learned from experience. Try sitting down with her and telling her you are willing to compromise on the sleepover. Lay out the fears you have about her sleeping in this friend's house--do they smoke? Tell her about the effects of second hand smoke. Do they speak in vulgar language? Talk to your daughter about when it is and isn't appropriate to use words like that, and remind her that they are only words, nothing more, and that they generally make people look stupid rather than brave. Is the house filthy? Remind her that you care about her hygiene and don't want her to bring bugs like lice or bed bugs back into your home. Do they express strong political or religious opinions? Remind her that the only way to make informed decisions on ANY subject is through unbiased research. Tell her that if they say something that she wants to understand that you will help her research it and form her own opinion.

That said, if they use illegal drugs or allow their children alcohol, the house would be off limits. In that case, I would tell her that those actions are illegal and if the police come while she is there she would be arrested and it would be on her record until she is an adult. It can keep her from getting into college and ruin her life. I would still let the friend sleep over at your house though--the kid could use a good role model.

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