teenager daughter 15 having sex

Carol - posted on 09/09/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )




Hi, my daughter has started dating a lad in high school in year 12 and she's in year 10. They seem to be very smitten with each other and my daughter had said some things that made me think things will heat up. I said to my daughter "if you think things could get out of hand please come to me and I will have to put you on the pill. I made my thoughts clear that I dont condone it but would rather her be fully protected. She came to me one night and said "that they'd had sex about 4 times." First I asked did you use anything? She said yes condoms. I was shocked but upset as I had said come to me first so you have more protection. Like I said I dont agree but I didn't want a pregnant teenage daughter. I was quire upset she never came to me first as we'd talked about it. I feel I cant trust her to do the right thing as she went and did it only with condoms first. Plus also they had been doing it in her boyfriend's house, once when the parents were home! I found this so disrespectful to that familys expectations and that she would risk being embarrassed being caught. She has become quite adamant that "u cant stop us!" I know that however I had wanted her to be protected for herself and the boyfriend. She thinks this relationship will last. She says its her body and that shes happy wuth the choice she made to start having sex. When the lads mum found out she was so so relieved to hear my daughter had gotten her period. The mum wasnt pleased they had been doing it in their home. It hasnt happened at mine as I am always home and if a friend comes over im always there. I feel now though like I cant look at her the same as she went and did it without coming to me first like we had discussed. I feel like I cant trust her anymore and that she'll continue to make poor decisions. They had also only been dating 1 and half months when this first happened. The lad says he only wabts her but what lad of 17 nearly 18 knows what they want. Any imput would be great


Chet - posted on 09/09/2014




I would try to cut your daughter some slack. Sex is a personal and private thing. It's often a very emotional and spontaneous thing. Asking someone to plan in advance and to come to you first was really asking a lot. If you saw this as likely, the sensible thing would have been to get your daughter birth control when you suspected it was going to be necessary. She didn't need to take it, but you could have made sure that she had it... or had a prescription.

So while I understand the trust issue you're having, you set the bar pretty high. Moreover, your daughter did use condoms, and she did tell you she was sexually active sooner than most teenagers would have. On the spectrum of poor decision making she's hardly at the extreme, and you made a bad choice when you put it on her to come to you before she had sex to ask for birth control when you expected she was on the verge of becoming sexually active.

Their having sex in the boyfriend's parents house is really the concern of the boyfriend and his parents. The fact that your daughter would be embarrassed if they got caught is your daughter's business. I don't think these are issues you need to dwell on.

I would also try to get past this because a strained relationship with your daughter is only going to distance her from her family, and the boyfriend is the person she'll turn to. That's a scenario that often results in relationships dragging on when they would have otherwise ended.

Your daughter is more likely to make good choices if she has a strong relationship with you and clear goals for the future. Support the positives in her life. Try to keep the lines of communication open. Try not to be too critical of what she's done. It's not what I would pick for my daughters either, but what's done is done. You won't make this better by being critical and letting is damage your relationship..

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