Teenager moved out and we are planning a family vacation

Kristin - posted on 01/03/2016 ( 28 moms have responded )

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Our 18 year old daughter moved into her boyfriends family home because she was tired of following the rules. She felt we were treating her like a baby and not an adult. The relationship with the boyfriend is really weird that he has never been over for dinner in 2 years and she just met his parents after she turned 18! We took her car and the phone when she moved out because we were paying for them anyway. She is currently getting A's in college and is planning on becoming a CPA. She's a good kid except when it comes to this guy who most of her friends think is a douche (their word). He has isolated her from all of her friends and we believe he is attempting to do the same to us. We have a 16 y/o daughter and a 13y/o son that we plan on taking on a family vacation. I was wondering if we should invite our 19y/o (she just had a birthday) with us. My husband says no because she made her choice to move out and she has her life now. I agree with hime, but the mom in me says she's still a part of our family. HELP!

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Scott - posted on 01/06/2016

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I agree with Little Miss, Your daughter must have told (Mr. Wonderful) about your offer for her to join in on the families vacation. He probably flipped out, he wasn't expecting you guy's to be so resilient, he figured he won a huge victory getting her to move in with him. keeping the offer open for this instance and future gatherings etc. will let Mr. Wonderful know the family is strong and together, his plans will be more difficult then he thought. Always try to remember not to react to any situation while in an emotional state of mind take a minute and think before you react. Remember he's probably trying to portray you and your husband as the reason why there are so many problems in her life and there relationship. keep strong

Dove - posted on 01/03/2016

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I'd invite her since she's family, but if she wants to be treated like an adult she would be paying for a portion of the costs.

Raye - posted on 01/11/2016

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You shouldn't live your life in fear. If she's going to cut you out, then worrying won't change it. Enjoy the time you do have with her. She is an adult, and hopefully you have raised her to do well in her life. She may have some stumbles along the way, but now it's pretty much up to her to find the right track.

What "resources" to make available? That's up to you. But, as an adult, she should be paying her own way in the world. Help her by giving your time. Help her by allowing her to visit. But I would not keep the door open for her to move back in, say, if she just has a fight with her BF. I always knew moving back home wasn't an option. So, I had to either make better choices, or live with the consequences of bad choices and struggle to regain my feet. I'm sure my mom would have taken me in versus me living on the street, but fortunately, I never had to test that theory. Sometimes, a little tough love is what's needed.

My mom and I butted heads often when I was a teenager, but over time it grew into a sort of friendship. We may not be "close" but we get along and talk on the phone and go to dinner once in a while. Your kids have to live their own lives at some point. Stop trying to control her. If you do something in order to get a specific response from her, that is attempting control. You should put effort into maintaining an adult relationship with your daughter. But don't be a doormat. If all the effort is one sided, then cut back and give her a little space.

Sarah - posted on 01/07/2016

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If she had moved out a bit later and was interacting with you regularly, would your husband still not invite her? She's part of your family and she should be welcome on family trips. Whether or not she pays or can pay is between you and her. If she was not isolated from you and her friends I'd not be concerned. Isolation is a hallmark of a controlling and potentially abusive partner. That one trip with you may be enough for her to realize she wants to change her relationship. When you are away and relaxed, she may open up a bit. If you were to tell her you got the ticket and it has been paid for, she may just go no matter what her BF says. You can purchase trip insurance just in case she backs out. If she were 19 and living at home, would she have to chip in for the cost of the trip? This could be the lifeline she needs.

Raye - posted on 01/07/2016

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Even if she doesn't go on the vacation, you haven't lost your daughter. Keep making the effort to stay in contact with her. She is an adult, and can make her own decisions. If BF pressured her into saying no to the trip, then she allowed him to do that. It may be something that causes her to think twice about their relationship (if you remain nice and he's the negative nelly), or possibly it won't (stand by your man, and all that). But it is her choice.

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Kristin - posted on 01/11/2016

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Everything went well today, no cancer!!! She spent the day with me and I reiterated that maybe she should still get a passport incase she changes her mind to go to with us. I promised myself I will not mention it again because as many of you have said treat her like an adult and I agree to do that! She returns to school on Monday and I'm thinking of asking her to come over once a week for dinner otherwise with her busy schedule we may not see her till summer!!

Kristin - posted on 01/09/2016

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What resources do we make available to our daughter without crossing a line since she moved out? She's not going on vacation with us and she said she's not getting a passport since she's not going. We are going to dinner and a theater show tomorrow and she was planning on sleeping over because of an early morning doctors appt. Since she went back to the BF house now she's saying she's just going to get more stuff from her room and not stay over (we are also expecting very poor road conditions due to weather). My questions are when can I stop worrying about her cutting us completely out of her life, and how much effort due I keep putting forward to maintain a relationship with our daughter?

Kristin - posted on 01/07/2016

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Tonight she came for dinner and it was very pleasant. As usual the BF did not come with her. I did make it a point to share with her that her younger sister was wishing she would be coming and that she'd have more fun if she was on vacation with us. I also told her that her sister misses her very much (she's 16). I will be taking the 19 year old out for breakfast on Monday before an appt so hopefully I can find out why she doesn't want to go with us! Thanks again for all the advise every little bit helps.

Lynnae - posted on 01/07/2016

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From personal experience, though im out of my " i dont need anyone but my boyfriend" phase I feel like if you want to "un-isolate" her and not cause additional problems id invite her. She may be making decsions based off her boyfriends opinion and though he may be against it and her take his word, at least you wont have the dramam of her not being invited. The wa the boyfriends seems to act, he may pin that against you add more fuel to his fire. She is your daughter and this boyfriend is hopefully just a phase. Good Luck!

American - posted on 01/07/2016

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I agree with your husband. If she thought your home and your rules were so bad that she moved out then she made her choice. Take your other kids and enjoy your vacation. One of my biggest challenges as a parent is learning that 18 means your no longer in control and they have to learn their lessons the same as we did ours. My son turned 18 and moved out because he didn't like our rules and missed a family trip but he still loves us so it will be fine. I am more worried about him isolating her from friends and family. BIG RED FLAG for a relationship heading towards abuse. My heart goes out to you because I honestly have been there. Good luck.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/07/2016

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If I was in your shoes, I would pick the family destination, and give her a date that she has to have the passport done by so you can buy your tickets. Keep it simple and to the point.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/06/2016

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I say give her an open invitation. That you would love for her to go, and she is and always will be your daughter and part of this family.

Getting away from this guy for a lovely family vacation might be just the thing she needs. Don't tell her that part though.

Kristin - posted on 01/06/2016

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Latest update! My gut was telling me something was up about this vacation invite. Our daughter was not scheduling her passport appt so I gave her a jingle. She said to me why do I need to go get I passport if I might not even be going. Ok, my heart sank. I replied ok,......let's have an adult conversation here. If you really don't want to go it is ok to say no, and right away she said she didn't want to go! I said that's all you have to do is say yes or no its ok if you don't want to go.
She is coming over for dinner tomorrow, and I did say to her I am still your mom!
I do feel in my gut she is saying no because of something he may have said or is promising her in place of going on this family vacation.
She gets snippy and very short after being with him a period of time.....please tell me this will get better as she gets older.

Gena - posted on 01/06/2016

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I agree with Jodi. You should invite her but she must ay for things. Thats how it worked in my family when i moved out to live with my boyfriend. We were always invited to go with on vacations from Switzerland to South Africa for example. We would go as a family but we payed our own flight tickets. We also payed towards gas and food eventhough my parents did not expect that from us.

Scott - posted on 01/05/2016

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Nice choice of words to spend time with the family, I hope things go well for you guy's. Your husband is quite the joker but my God that's enough to make anyone's heart stop. I've read some of the other responses and there are some good points to take out. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful young woman and I wish you nice folks the all the best. Enjoy your family vacation

Kristin - posted on 01/05/2016

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I found out yesterday with her license renewal she put his address. We did ask her to go and we offered to pay for everything except souvenirs. She was actually hesitant on saying yes and I finally said to her...it's not like I'm trying to force you to spend time with your family. I just need to know so when I start booking tickets I know if you're going or not! Then she said Oh, ok. I am giving her time to think about it and get back to me! My husband is a joker and said wouldn't you crap if he came along (not on our dime). I'd have to suck it up. She is going to get her passport this week. She did ask where we are going and at this point we're not exactly sure but we have always traveled as a family. I hope this is no different ♡

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/05/2016

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As others have said, it is always recommended to have a contract in place for any adult living in your home, whether you raised said adult or not.
Contracts outline all parties rights and responsibilities.
Your daughter should have had a change to your rules to a point, once she turned 18. After all, at that point, she is an adult, and deserves to be treated as such. By all means, all house rules should be taken into consideration and followed, but things like curfew need to be re-examined.
As far as the vacation question, that is a personal decision. In my family, if the parents (or grandparents, as the case may be) plan a trip and invite the kids/grandkids, then they pick up most of the expense. If the adult kids want a trip, and want everyone to participate, then they should expect to pay a portion. In your case, since you are inviting her on the trip, in my opinion it would be your responsibility to pay major expenses such as airfare, rooms and some meals. Her shopping, souvenirs, and any food she procures on her own would be her responsibility. (if it were in my family).
I have 2 adult children, one who still lives at home. The eldest will do his darndest to make sure he pays for ANYTHING he uses or shares with us, whether we want or expect him to or not. I still invite him on trips that fit into his schedule, and pay the majority of the cost. If my mother invites us on a family vaca, she picks up the gas or airfare, rooms and meals, we purchase our extras and anything else. In this regard, each family is different.

Raye - posted on 01/05/2016

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I agree that you should not alienate her, but don't be a doormat either. I always recommend to any parents who consider letting an adult child live at home to have a tenant agreement. This way, the rules and conditions of what she must abide by to continue living under your roof are known, and she can decide to follow them or move out. I do agree with the daughter, though, that she should have some freedoms as an adult that she didn't have as a child, even still living at home. As long as she is respectful of noise, privacy, and acting respectfully, she should be treated more as an adult renting a room than a child still living at home.

Audra - posted on 01/05/2016

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We had similar situation with our 18 yo daughter. Eventually she figured out who really was there for her and who was not a good choice to be hanging around. I regretted not being more aggressive trying to spend time with her at the time now, which is hard to do with a head strong, hard working child who is determined to be independent. But we always told her that she can always come home, but the rules are the same. She stumbled around living with friends and other families and has now found a decent boyfriend. And our relationship is getting back to normal. Not sure about teenagers. They seem to need to go out and try it on their own for awhile. They usually (hopefully) come back around eventually. So I would invite her. It may be what she needs to get away from him or realize he is not treating her normal. She needs to know she has a place to call home so she doesn't make bad decisions depending on her circumstances. Like be in a bad relationship because she has no where else to go. And totally agree with Scott too.

Kristin - posted on 01/03/2016

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Thank you so much for your input! It has helped beyond words. I spoke with my husband after I received the feedback and we have decided to invite her with us and pay for her passport as well as her vacation. Currently she is paying for her own car insurance (while driving one of their vehicles), pays for her own gas, and school (although we will probably help with books and tuition) when loans are due. We do pay for all health cost(currently awaiting test results of a biopsy).

Scott - posted on 01/03/2016

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Hi Kristin, I still feel an offer from you guy's should be made, she's not going to accept but it may plant a seed for later on that can grow to break the chain of control she will be under. If this young man is isolating her than you need to keep an open path of communication to give her a possible out. He is playing head games with your daughter so she believes you and your husband are the problem and not him, he is slowly controlling how she thinks. If at a later date she ask to return home that's when some new ground rules need to be laid out so that everyone involved can progress in a healthy manner. The full benefits of home should not be available up front but she should be comfortable coming back to ask for help should she need it. I don't know the full extent of what lead up to her departure and don't expect to know in these short correspondence's but like you said before she's a good kid, great grades hopefully on her way to a nice future. Don't let this (douche) come between your family and ruin the chance of a relationship with your daughter. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Jodi - posted on 01/03/2016

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I agree with asking her along, but I also agree she should share a portion of her costs because she has decided she is adult enough not to live at home.

Kristin - posted on 01/03/2016

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Scott I totally agree with you. In my heart I feel it's the right thing to do is to ask her to join us. The other side of this is I don't want to let her think she can live with his family and still have the benefits back home.

Scott - posted on 01/03/2016

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I think it would be wise to make the offer for her to join you guy's, this way she knows your door will be open for her when things go bad with the (douche) your word. If she is truly being isolated from her friends and family then she probably doesn't realize it yet or doesn't quite believe it yet. Your door should be open for her to return if she needs to, you say she's a good kid, straight A's in college. She's should be allowed to stumble in life without her Family casting her out, she's a good kid remember. You and your husband need to get over the hurt feelings her leaving has caused.

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