Teens and sex

Caroline - posted on 01/17/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I'd like to know how moms handle it with teenagers having sex.....my daughter is 17 and has had sex. I don't want her to lie to me about it, but I also don't want her to think I agree with it. She will lie about where she is going so that she can go meet a boy for sex. Any advice? Thank you!

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Ellen - posted on 05/07/2011

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I was 13 and lost my virginity to a very sweet guy of 24. I never regretted it. My mother was very understanding and approved of this relationship (which lasted for more than 1.5 years). I think we should not be too afraid of teenagers becoming sexual active. Inform them and guide them as much as you can and show they can trust you. My own daughter of thirteen recently has become sexual active with her boyfriend of 17. and I am totally OK with it, because she is totally ready for it, she was completely open about it to me, she knows what she is doing and she really wanted it. Her boyfriend is a really nice guy, who never pushed her and honestly was surprised when my daughter made clear she wanted to have sex with him.

I know thirteen is quite young but I think my daughter is somewhat ahead of her years both physically (she has a great body) and mentally. We shouldn't judge girls just by their age, but as the person the are at any given time.

My daughter is now enjoying sex on a (very) regular basis. It gave her a lot of confidence and it is great to see how she is growing into a young woman and into her relationship, which may not last for too long (which she knows) but which will always be a nice and valuable experience for her, one she can build on in future relationships.


Ellen

Barbara - posted on 01/17/2010

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Take one day at a time. This was a hard one for me also. Only I have sons, 19 tomorrow and soon to be 20 in March. I've had to learn to not get angry. Not easy! More frustrating than anything!! I talk about all the risks and even show them pics of STD's on the internet. They know I don't agree with it, but I've told them that I want them to feel that they can come to me with anything without fear of me getting angry and yelling at them. If they insist on being sexually active I've even told them I'de buy the condoms. Which I've never had to do! Thank God! Most of the time I was accusing my son of having sex and he really wasn't. I failed to give him the benefit of the doubt. Most of the time he was just hanging out with a bunch of friends, but I didn't believe him.

Take her to see a doctor. Have her tested for everything and put her on birth control. your local health department should have a Planned Parenthood Clinic where you can take her. Give her all the information she needs so that she can make smart choices. Let her know that she can talk to you if she has any questions. All you can do is guide and educate her.

Please remember to try to be as open, honest, and realistic without getting angry. The anger causes lots of hurtful things to be said which will only push her further away from you. Good luck! I'll keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

Iysha - posted on 01/17/2010

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I was having sex as a teenager. My mom knew because I told her I was having sex, it wasn't with random guys or anything, it was with my boyfriend and that was all. I wouldn't say, "Hey mom...I'm going over to Eric's house and we're going to have sex so don't wait up!" LOL. I kept it private because that was comfortable for me.



I don't feel like You as a parent should know every time your 17 year old is having sex. Just make sure she is taking care of herself in reguards to her health, safety and pregnancy. Let her have her privacy and let her decide if she wants to and with whom and when. If you interfere too much, she will lie all the time about where she's going and who she's going with. Let her go out, let her have fun and don't hover too much.



Let her know that you want to know where she's going to be at and who she is going to be with so that you can contact her if you need to and if something happens, you know who she was with. I always told my mom where I was going, who I was with and called if plans changed. I know she didn't like that I was having sex, but I know she didn't suspect that I was having sex whenever I went out on a date. I was on birth control and knew to use condoms too and that was her doing...If I wanted to have sex, I was going to and my mom knew that. Her responsibility for me was to make sure I knew how to make smart choices and keep myself safe and not put myself in situations I would later regret.



I can't think of a better way to go about a mother-daughter relationship when it comes to sex than this. I have friends who got pregnant in their teen years and got STD's and most of them hid the fact that they were sexually active from their parents and didn't get the support or guidance from them. I think that had a lot to do with the situations they found themselves in.

Pepper - posted on 01/17/2010

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Be honest with her. Tell her that you don't want her to be having sex but if she has made the decision to be sexually active you want her to be safe.



Education is the best way for you to know that she will be safe. Tell her that you don't agree with her having sex, but since she has made that decision, you want her to be prepared.



Bring her to the doctor, get her on the pill. Give her condoms. Give her books and information. And then tell her that she can come to you with ANY questions she has.



Take away the reason to lie, give her the information she needs and trust that she will take that information to heart and use it to keep herself safe.

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