telling a man he has a child after 8 years and child support, HELP!!

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016 ( 24 moms have responded )

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Hello, I am just looking for advice here. I am a mother of a girl that I had at the age of 15.At that age you can only imgiane the stupid decesiosn I've made. One for example was having a relation with 2 men during the same week. One was a "boyfriend" the other was a one time thing. Because of this stupid choise I have been living with the idea that my boyfriend at the time was the father of my child (but still in the back of my mind that it could be the other one, but doubted it very much). So after 8 years of child support searching for my ex and finally getting DNA i come to find out he is not the father.. so many years have past and I still can not tell my child who her father is. However, I did find the other man, and of course I want paternity done and the best way to do so is through child support. but by doing this he can ask for his rights or I CAN forget about child support (since I have done it on my own this far) and simpily reach out to this man and make him aware so I can finally make my daugther know, but either way I do he can seek for his rights and I wouldn't want my daugther in a situation that she wouldn't feel comfortable in. like going to a different state for a summer. or being aroung this guy she just found out is her father..

advice needed!!!

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Dove - posted on 05/05/2016

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By reading your OP... it didn't sound like you were simply asking for advice on how to tell him, but on how to then keep him from getting the visitations that he would be legally entitled to...

It's not easy... I know. My girls were 8.5 the first time they went to go see their father for 2.5 weeks w/out me. Prior to that they had only been away from me for 2-3 days at a time. My son was 2.75 years old the first time he spent a night away from me... and it was for a week straight AND he was still breastfeeding at the time!

Granted, I was married and 25 before I started having kids, but my ex abandoned us the day our 3rd child was born 6 years later... I've been LIVING this life for 8 years now and it sucks, but it doesn't change the fact that the father has a right to have visitations even if those visitations make the mother (and children) uncomfortable. That's just LIFE when we choose to procreate and life doesn't go the way we planned.

Raye - posted on 05/05/2016

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Liz, just be aware that his attitude could change over time. There may be a day he wants to be involved. But if not, then let your daughter know she's not missing out on anything, and it's his loss. It doesn't reflect negatively on her. But at least everyone will know the truth, and can hopefully move past it without it weighing on your mind anymore.

Dove - posted on 05/05/2016

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:( ♥ I'm sorry! My niece is 11 years old. Her biological father has known about her existence since before she was born, but he has never met her... completely by his choice. She does have an excellent stepfather as well though.

Ev - posted on 05/05/2016

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And as Dove pointed out in her situation, mine was totally different. I was married to my ex husband for 12 years when shortly after that anniversary he started to change in how he acted with me going to very hateful, strong undertones of anger in his voice, and attitude. I did not understand where it came from but at first after we had spent a weekend camping with some of his online friends; I still did not see things coming. By December that year he was really hateful and thinking I was not supporting him but I was more worried about things because he and some of his co-workers had gone on strike and with Christmas and bills around the corner I was not sure the company would release his paycheck. I discovered that our bank account was 50-100 dollars lower than I showed in the checkbook. Then later on when things got bad and he left I discovered he had been calling one of his online friends between 80 to 100 times a month..female. Now it adds up. But the worst part was he did not want to pay child support so he decided to try to get custody from me. He took me to court for temp custody which bit him in the bum because the judge was not going for what he wanted and he had to pay me child support for the next few months until we finalized the divorce and custody at the same time. I let the kids live with him because they needed some stability in their lives and sense of peace knowing what was what. It was the hardest thing I had to do. It was not what I wanted either. I never saw it coming. No one did really. We had to abide by the court orders. Now I just wish he could see what he has done to push his own kids away.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/05/2016

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"as a mother, who would want their child to travel to another state to visit a man they barely know?" ~~Only an irresponsible mother would not want to foster a relationship between a child and their father. Only an irresponsible mother would not have ALL possibilities for paternity checked out at the outset of the tangle.

You brought this on. You did not take necessary steps when that child was born EIGHT YEARS AGO to determine paternity, get support and visitation set, and custody arranged. You now want to put this guy on the hook to support the kid, but you don't want the baggage...which is further being irresponsible.

Face it. You had irresponsible sex. You made an adult choice when you were a child. You get to now live with the consequences, and BE the adult you were pretending to be when you jumped in the sack with two guys. Yes, you should go for support. However, you need to remember that YOU don't get to determine visitation rules or schedules.

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Sarah - posted on 05/07/2016

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So I am late to the party but I want to add just a bit...
First, what is done and over for 8 years, you cannot change you can only do the next right thing from this point forward. I think you are on the right track and I am sorry he seemed apathetic about having a child.
Second, please make sure her birth certificate is amended. She has rights to benefits in the event of the bio-dad becoming disabled or passing away. Also, in regard to support, even if you don't need it; it is your child's right and you could bank it for her college education or other purpose. I absolutely don't think you would get or should push for back support, but he is on the hook to financially support his offspring until age 18. Paying support, IMO, won't necessarily trigger him to in turn push for joint custody or whatever. If he does, a judge is not going to just make you hand her over; the process will be slow and guided by a guardian ad litem. She may have half siblings that she could meet as well. Good Luck!

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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That's true. It will be his loss and I am just glad that he knows and she will know.

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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Ugh. I know it such a long time to hear about this but you will still expect a MAN to care! thank you. I have made it this far and she loves her stap father so it's okay.

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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I wanted to update you ladies and informed you he was notified. However his reaction was different than expected. He honestly did not seem to care. He did not ask about her name, dob or anything. So pretty much this man does not care he has a daugther and its going to be even more hard to tell her.

Thank you for all your responses!!

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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Evelyn and Dove sorry about the situation you both had to face. And Dove sorry if my post was written or read differently than how I actually meant it to be. I know whether I went directly through child support or confronted him my self that there is possibility of him seeking visitation rights, which is okay ( still scary) but okay. There is also the posibility that he doesn't care. As I have mentioned before to the commentors that come to talk sh** first before knowing NO ONE IS TRYING TO TAKE AWAY ANY LEGAL RIGHTS it is more about which way to do it!! So SHAWN I am not irresonible. I am not trying to FOSTER my child. If you would feel comfortable with your 8 yr old traveling to a mans house she doesn't know than you are the irrensonible one. OF course that is unlikely to happen but in this world you just never know.

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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Thank you for clearing that up. I felt attaked, lol. I only wanted to know what was the best way to inform him of this situation, not be called stupid because I already know the decesion I made was stupid. thanks !! :) :)

Ev - posted on 05/05/2016

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You are welcome. Just a note about the other posts that are like this but not directed at you, I am tired of seeing so many that have failed to tell the father about the child or use the child as a pawn to get thing they way they want. There are other ladies on here that also answer a lot of the same posts that I do. And we pretty much all address the issues the same as we have read so many of them. As I said, I am glad you are thinking it through before you do something that could make the situation worse. Good Luck!

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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I know regardless of the situation a father would always have rights unless for some reaons he has some kind of horrible case on him that they will deny full visitation etc ( which I hope will not be the case). Thanks again :).

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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Thank you Evelyn. I think that I should do it that way. I know it will happen eventually despite how scary it might sound I know it is only best for her! Really appreciate your help.

Ev - posted on 05/05/2016

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I am going to add that I see a lot of posts where the father has left for several months or years and then wants back and the mother is hysterical about that idea. There have been a few that are similar to yours but mostly the mothers did not tell the man he had a child and it goes from there. I get tired of hearing them think they can have a say over everything about what happens to a child when it goes to court. They think that the father has no rights. I am glad to know you are thinking things through.

Ev - posted on 05/05/2016

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The best way I would think is to reach out to the man and tell him what happened. Be honest about it. Tell him you were certain your BF was the father but the DNA test came back he was not and that left him. Give him time to digest this information. Like has been said, he might be angry and shocked and it would not do to just slam him with papers about a child he did not know of. But I would give him a bit of time to digest the information in regards to what happened. Then see if he is willing to work out anything for child support, visitation and custody. He would possibly have rights to all that eventually. I am sure that no court would force a child to go to another city, state, or country to visit a person they have never met before, but I am sure in time it would happen. You also need to sit down with your daughter now and explain to her who her father really is.

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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I am sorry that my statement bothers you but that is how I feel. Being on this site I would only assume you are a mother. And as a mother, who would want their child to travel to another state to visit a man they barely know? This statement is especially for the safety of ours. The area he lives, the city also, is not the GREATEST PLACE. It has nothing to do with MY TERMS. The court will decide what terms are best for everyone.

The only thing I was seeking here is whether or not I should directly message this man my self and see what he says OR just hit him with the child support papers(which will ask for the DNA) I was just thinking maybe hitting him with those papars would not be the best way and wanted to hear other people's thoughts. My post has nothing to do whether or not I am going to tell my daugther who her father is or let him know he has a daugther, It was about what is the best way to do it.

However, I apperciate your response.

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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Raye, I completly agree, I wouldn't want to separte them especially if they want to be apart of eachothers life. I also know it would be wrong to completly continue my life acting like this man does not exist.

And I agree, that they (hopefully) will make a plan/ decesion in the best interest of the child if he does decide to be apart of her life and seek that right.

Do I want support yes, but I felt that maybe it wouldn't be nice to have papers served on him for a child he didn't know about. I think maybe is best to reach out first and then see from there.

Thank you for your resonse Raye! :)

Raye - posted on 05/05/2016

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Liz, since you only slept with two guys, and you know for sure that one is not the father, then it can only be the other one. So, whether you choose to have the DNA test done is up to you. IF you want child support, then you must do the DNA test to prove it. IF you don't want support, and don't want the father around, then keep going as you have been... but this is wrong to knowingly keep the child and father apart.

Facts are that you had sex with this guy, and he is the father. The child is not YOUR possession. You don't OWN her. She is part of BOTH her mother AND father. It would be up to the courts to decide what they think is the best interests of your daughter, and set visitation accordingly. They're not just going to rule that all of a sudden she has to go to a stranger's house for summer vacation. But they will want to set up some kind of plan for the father and daughter to visit. It will depend on who moved out of state as to who will be most responsible for travel costs, etc. That is IF he even wants anything to do with your or the child. After 8 years, I'm sure he's going to be shocked and angry. But he's still her father unless the courts take his rights or he chooses not to be involved.

Ev - posted on 05/05/2016

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{{ If he would like visitations than by all means he is free to do so. Will I be agreeing for her going over to a dfferent state for vacations etc? NO. he will be travling my way to visit her under my supervision.}}

That statement above really bothers me. You are willing to allow him to see her on YOUR TERMS. He is well within his rights to petition for visitation through the courts if you do not do this yourself. And YOU would not have a say in how those visits were done. He was left out of the whole business and never knew he had a child until you found out your BF was not the father and you decided to check to see if this man was the father. It was not his fault he did not know because you did not inform him early on. I can understand he is a stranger to both of you and as Dove said, setting up supervised visits for a time frame until she gets used to him and he gets used to her, then he could have over nights be it in his state or near you. But it is advisable that you set up custody, visitation and child support. He deserves the chance to know his own child...it was your fault he did not know in the first place.

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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Listen, if your ignorant self came on here to talk bs than maybe you have no right to be responding on anyones post! We come here for advice not come read your non helpful response.

My daugther has a very important man in her life right now, HER STEP-Father. Now as I have mentioned she has every right to know who her father is and I am taking the steps to do so. However, it is not my job to take this guy to court to have visitation rights, if that is what he wants that is what he will do on his own. Not only is that his decesion but also my daugthers in which she WILL have a say whether or not she wants to meet/be around him.

You can stick to your little statistics I however think that your child will only repeat your mistake IF YOU let them. :). Once again, thank you for taking a few minutes of your time to response, it was truly a pleasure chatting with you.

Dove - posted on 05/05/2016

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Well, you were all a bunch of stupid teenagers and now it's your daughter that pays for your mistakes by not having a father in her life... I hope she doesn't repeat the cycle (statistics say she is most likely to do so) since she is missing one of the most important things in her life that a child NEEDS.

Liz - posted on 05/05/2016

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Dove, thanks for your response, it is really appreciated. It is something that was started 8 years ago with the man that I believed should have been the father and after the results came in I did it on MY OWN to search for him. I know very well my daugther should know who her father is and thats what I AM going to do. I however will not go to court and seek visitation rights, that is his choice. All I wanted to know was weather I should go through the child support system in which I CAN get the paternity that way as well as get the support or simply forget about going through child support and message him my self see what he says and do the paternity through court( if possible). If he would like visitations than by all means he is free to do so. Will I be agreeing for her going over to a dfferent state for vacations etc? NO. he will be travling my way to visit her under my supervision.



My choices as a kid is not excuse, I have never said it was. BTW the "boyfriend" was very aware of the situation the other man I can not say but at that age you are not thinking that is a possiblity.

Dove - posted on 05/05/2016

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This man has every right to know he has a child and to have a relationship w/ her. Your child deserves the truth and a chance to know her father. This is something that should have been dealt w/ 8 years ago. It is not the man's fault or the child's fault that you slept w/ 2 men in the same time frame and didn't tell the guys the truth or find out the truth. That is on you. Yes, I know you were young, but that's no excuse to keep making these two pay for your mistake.

Get the DNA test done and get a court order for this man to have visitations w/ his child. Start out supervised until she has gotten to know him and SHE is comfortable.

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