temper tantrums

Vanetia - posted on 10/29/2014 ( 9 moms have responded )

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My 3 year old is currently having terrible tantrums. He has seen me get abused recently by my soon to be ex and ever since then he has become more aggressive, talks back and basically just does the same thing the guy did. Is there any way I can break him out of this?

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Sarah - posted on 10/29/2014

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I know your situation all too well. That is why I say the things I say. I know where you are at and the excuses that are made. Part of you wants to leave, but the other part is scared. You have to let the part that is determined to make a better life for your son win over the part that is scared. You need to make a plan for leaving and then follow through with it. A plan is not just an idea it is a map of how to leave and how to follow through with it. Believe me if you want to leave there is a will and a way no matter the situation. When you have decided that leaving is the only option and that is what you are doing you figure out where to go and how to make it work no matter how many shelters are full or how little family or friends there are.

Your question was how to help your son. This is how you help him. No one is judging you. Instead we are trying to help you and let you know how crucial it is for you to leave now in order to help your son. This is how you help your son.

Dove - posted on 10/29/2014

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Have you pressed charges on him for any of the abuse?

You can NOT stop your son's behavior if you can not change his environment. Period. It's completely unrealistic. I'm sorry you feel you are being judged, but we are, in fact, trying to HELP you and your child. Bottom line is if he won't leave, you can't or won't get him arrested, and you can't or won't leave... nothing will change.

Vanetia - posted on 10/29/2014

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Who said I was worried more about the house? Due to the fact that all the shelters over here are full and there are no relatives over here that's why I mentioned this is my house and where am I supposed to go. You don't think I've tried to leave with him being here? No instead he pushed me back in the house and abused me even more so that's why I said when he leaves I will go. Until u have been in this situation please don't judge.

Vanetia - posted on 10/29/2014

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I'm not mad at my son at all, my question was what can I do to help my son and to get him out of throwing tantrums. That was it. The judgmental comments were not warranted.

Dove - posted on 10/29/2014

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You leave... NOW. If it's YOUR place... eventually he will be out, but you don't stay in an abusive environment and not expect it to have a severe negative impact on your child and his behavior.

As for his behavior... 3 is a wicked time under good circumstances... add in the abuse he has witnessed and you really have no right to expect anything else out of him right now.

Therapy, for sure... plus time, patience, and consistency. He's 3. If you get him into a better environment and let him know that you will not tolerate being abused by anyone... he'll learn.

Sarah - posted on 10/29/2014

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It was time to go way before he tried to harm him. Abuse starts WAY before then. That is why you need to get into counseling to recognize that. An abuser knows just who to pick to abuse.

As far as leaving. That should be a no brainier that you need to leave NOW.....not when he leaves the house. Again an abuser knows just who to abuse.....he knows that he can stay as long as he wants to and you won't leave. So the abuse continues and your 3 yr old continues to see that and be in that environment and live that. Who cares if it is your house. Right now your 3 yr old is more important then a house. Go stay with friends or family until the issue with your house can be resolved. You can get a protection order on him at any time......as long as you have proof of the abuse. This is where you need to stand up and be a mom and protect your child. Just an FYI for you most abusers are people who were either abused as a child or saw abuse as a child. So right now you are setting your son up to be an abuser. As you have seen he has already started down that road. The male figure in his life is going to be his male role model and show him how others and women should be treated. If you want that to change then YOU need to change that NOW. Not tomorrow or next week or next month. It really should have happened yesterday.

Vanetia - posted on 10/29/2014

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That is actually what I did. I was in an abusive relationship before I finally left when I tried to harm him and that let me know right there it was time to go. I say soon to be ex because I'm waiting for him to leave the house so I can run and get a protection order. This is my house, he came here so why should I have to leave? The police told me he technically is a resident and I just can't make him leavw. So wtf am I supposed to do? They make all these laws to protect the abuser.

Sarah - posted on 10/29/2014

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Yes...getting him into some play therapy would be a good idea. You say soon to be ex....why is he not an ex right now? The longer your 3 yr old is in the environment with the abuser whether or not he is abusing you will only make it worse for the 3 yr old and harder to reverse down the road. Kids learn what they live, once learned it is 10x's more harder to unteach the learned behavior. You also need to get involved in an abuse support group and counseling so you don't get together with another guy that does the same thing to you over time.

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