The birth mother will not leave us alone 1 1/2 yrs after the adoption! HELP!

[deleted account] ( 4 moms have responded )

My Husband and I were married mid 2010 and 3 1/2 months later, by the grace of God and an angel of a judge, my adoption of his 3 biological children was final! Life was Fantastic! (I am unable to have children and so these are our only 3.)

His ex-wife, my children's birth mother, left in early 2005 when my youngest was not even a year old (she's now 8), my son has very little memory of her and my oldest was 5 and hates that she can remember her. Their birth mother left them for drugs, alcohol and another man. She refused contact with the children throughout the divorce, after the divorce and all the way up until we got married (when she read about it in the paper 2 weeks later).

She then willingly met with me, my husband and my in-laws (mother-in-law is a notary) and signed her rights over to me so I could file for adoption. 45 days later, it was final and my children were mine.

Ever since the adoption was final, she will not quit calling my husband or my mother-in-law! She even left her husband for a time to come back here to try to get my husband and children back and had someone who knew where we lived drive her there! If I block her number, she changes it or uses someone else's phone. She's called more in the last 1 1/2 yrs than she has in the past 7 yrs since she's been gone and SHE GAVE THEM UP!

My husband is too nice of a guy to yell at her and just keeps asking her to stop calling. My mother-in-law hangs up on her! My kids are getting scared because they don't want her calling or driving by our new home. My husband is getting upset with me now because I want to press charges against her for harassment.

I need some advise please



Heather

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Linda - posted on 01/15/2013

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Adoption is literally the act of raising someone else children. The children should know who their mother is regardless whether or not she gave them up. Don't judge her circumstances. The children should NOT be frightened of the very woman who gave them life unless she abused them. If not explain to them who she is. All this "the kids are scared "stuff is going to come back and haunt you. You have been those kids mom. It's time for you to step up and address her. If she wants to see the kids , see what you can do to arrange that. Don't be the parent that tries to drive a wedge between them because it will backfire in the end when she claims she tried to visit and you stopped her. those kids are going to be legal age one day and will remember everything. Better to be known as the person who raised them unconditionally than the insecure possessive adoptive mom. Hiding them only makes matters worse. Deal with this head on and with class maturity and respect. Children are not possessions, Treat their mother well for without here they would not have been born.

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Linda - posted on 01/24/2012

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It sounds to me like she's regretting her choice to give up her kids. However, she did, and she will have to live with the consquences somehow. She sounds unstable and this could become a dangerous situation. You need to sit down with your husband and clearly communicate your fears and the children's fears. Then you need to get a restraining order. It shouldn't be hard if she's calling that much.

Raylene - posted on 01/23/2012

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I think your husband needs to step up to the plate and be a man! He has a new life with you and your family and really needs to be there for you and the children. If it was my husband I'd be getting pretty darned ticked off with his 'mr nice guy' approach to all of this, he needs to let her have it both barrels and not worry if he has hurt her feelings after all she wasn't worried about theirs all of those years ago now was she! I think you have the right to pursue your choice to press charges and your husband has NO right to get upset with you after all you've given those children a mother they never had and thats what he needs to see, and that you're just trying to protect your family. Talk to him once more and try to make him see light that this other woman is making your life aswell as the children's lives miserable. Ask him WHAT DOES HE WANT? and how does he justify her behaviour your children's & (your own)happiness is at stake here maybe sit down as a family and let the children tell him how they feel about all this and with aa bit of luck he might see the bigger picture!! Goodluck

Kelina - posted on 01/23/2012

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have you tried family counselling? does your husband know how the kids are feeling? A counselling session might help all of that, and having someone else, an unbiased third party would probably be really helpful. My question would be why is your husband getting upset that you want to press charges? does he think it's too harsh? have your kids told him that they're afraid? And what exactly does she want? Just to talk to your husband, or the kids? Is she off the drugs yet? there's a lot that can factor into how I might answer you but without knowing more about your situation all I can adivse is getting family counselling.

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