The birth of his child.

[deleted account] ( 19 moms have responded )

Very very brief background... The father of my soon to be 3 children is about to have another child. The child should be here in the next couple of weeks. We had split up for a while and he managed to get her pregnant. She has tried to sabotage our relationship ever since we've been back together.
Anyway. After our discussions, he has decided to be a part of his son's life, with my encouragement. Since things are getting closer we recently discussed how things will go when his son is born, and he said he would be going up to the hospital. I told him I am uncomfortable with him going by his self. Then he responded by asking, kind of not serious, if I wanted to go. And I said no at first. But now I am wondering why i wouldn't. This child will forever be a part of my life. Wjy should I be left out. But then again, i have never seen this woman face to face, but we have exchanged words. I am just needing advice from other women. I know this is her baby, and her birthing experience. I am just not comfortable with them soending time together. Idk. I just need advice.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 07/20/2015

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"This woman has been absolutely horrid to me"

How can she have been absolutely horrid to you if she's never met you?

I agree with the others, you need to stop trying to control the situation and realise that there WILL be times he will see the mother alone. Everyone in this situation needs to step up and be adult about it. YOU need to trust your partner. If you can't trust him, then there is very little hope for the relationship for the long-term. He really will get sick of you trying to control him in this way because you don't trust him.

Rayshoun - posted on 07/20/2015

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like Shawn I agree that it is admirable you accepting the fact that he has made a child during the time in which you all had a break from one another. I do have some slight questions about how adamant you all about him not seeing that babys mom the entire duration of the 18 years of which that child will be raised... I'm not altogether sure you have a realistic expectation. While there will be the exchanges with someone else present - that child is going to have monumental events that take place in their life whether or not that's some emergency because the child got hurt either at school or elsewhere, or some events. Whether or not that is a graduation or some other milestone by which the child has every right to have BOTH parents present. just something to think about; I think you have some areas of opportunity when it comes to understanding the role of a stepmother versus the role of a jealous other woman. our children deserve more - we need to show them better, rise above.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/21/2015

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Well, she wasn't hearing what she wanted. She was so very wrong on many levels, but I applaud her for encouraging the father to have a relationship with his soon to be child.....just not how it was with her dictating their relationship out of jealousy.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/21/2015

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Sarah, I think the 'restraining order' was the word of the OP. She seemed intent on never letting this man see the 'other woman', period. She didn't seem to be based in reality at all...thinking that she would dictate all terms of the parenting arrangement for a child that she has no biological connection to, and that she isn't even married to the father of the child.

Sarah - posted on 07/20/2015

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Here's what I don't get: If there is a restraining order between the two of them and he can't even see her at custody exchanges, then why is he going to be in the delivery room at the most vulnerable time in his baby-mama's life. No one is automatically entitled to be at a baby's delivery. Even the bio-dad has to have the permission of the mother.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/20/2015

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Also, reading through all the other posts, it is evident you are hell bent to drive a wedge between your boyfriend and his soon to be child....unless you have every say controlling the situation. This is not going to end well for anyone. He had sex, clearly was not careful, and is having a baby. Not your baby. I know this must be so difficult, but either you have to learn to trust him...or move on. Cause it is just gonna get harder from here on out.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/20/2015

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You have children right? Would you want your baby daddy's ex coming to one of your births? That would be pretty horrible right? That is wonderful that you are encouraging your boyfriend to have a part of his childs life, but going to the hospital for the birth? Come on. Don't be that way. How horrible for the mother. How utterly distracting. How completely inappropriate. You do realize that her family is going to be there right? That she can have the hospital ask to have you removed if you make a stink?

You really have no right being there if she doesn't invite you. This is not your birth. I know you think the worst of this women, but that does not change the fact that she is going to give birth. It is hard enough as it is. Please put yourself in her shoes and realize how awful that is.

Quite frankly, however she has treated you, you attending the birth without being invited would be way worse. You have no rights to this child. You aren't even married to the father. It is not her fault that she is in this situation. Nor is it the babies.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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Ms. Johnson, I'm osrry that you don't like being told the TRUTH about being a stepmother. You don't get it. I'm not just posting to get my rocks off, you are making assumptions about how involved you will get to be in that child's life. You CANNOT push yourself into that child's life beyond the time the child spends in your home.
If the child's mother does not wish you to attend birthdays, graduations, school programs...and your husband does wish it, it will come down to court, and the court's decision will be binding.
Again, Sorry you don't like the truth, but that's the way it is.
IN A PERFECT WORLD, everyone would get along and participate in every child's every achievement...but this is NOT that world, sweetie.
Your husband slept with someone while you were separated. What goes on for the next 18 years regarding that child is NOT your decision, but that of the child's parents and the courts. (and again, if the parents do not agree, it is up to the courts...and you may not like their decision either, but it will be the one you have to abide by.)

Jodi - posted on 07/20/2015

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"And i don't need your advice."

LOL, your OP says "I just need advice."

SO why bother asking if you don't need advice.

[deleted account]

She thought they were going to end up together. And he left her because he wanted our family back together and we wanted to fix things between us. Ever since then she has done whatever possible to sabotage our relationship. She has sent him many naked pictures and begged him to come to her. She has tried to tell me that they have spent certain times together, when i knew for a fact they didn't because he was with me. She has made up story after story to make herself seem like a victim to draw him back in to her life. She isn't accepting of the fact that we are together and is trying anything she can to get him to feel sorry for her and come back to her. She still hasn't stopped. She has even messaged me saying horrible things. And she posts old photos of the two of them all over her facebook. She has made things for us just a little bit harder than they had to be, and still hasn't given up.

[deleted account]

If his mother denied me coming to those kind of events, we would just have our own, at our house. You are right, the say isn't mine, it is my partners, and he won't allow me to be excluded, he wants me a part of his child's life. So no, it isn't up to me, but he won't stand for it, and he has just as much say as she does. If she wants to ruin the relationship between his father, half sister, and two half brothers, she could try and keep me away. But i can't think of any mother who would want such a thing. I will be an active part of this child's life if she likes it or not. And i don't need your advice. He will have two parents not one, and when he comes to my home to visit, he will be a part of my family, and there is nothing she can do about it but accept it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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Actually, at personal events such as graduations, birthdays, etc, again, it is NOT UP TO YOU. If you are not invited to those events, it will be rude to continue to push your way in.
I get that you think that you should have more of a 'say' in how this all goes, but the reality is that you don't, and you won't. Not unless the child's biological mother agrees.

[deleted account]

In events like that, i will be present as well. It won't just be the two of them. In accepting this child and supporting him having a part of raising him, i have also become a part of that. This child will be in my care at times along with my own blood children. I will be just as much of a part of raising him as his biological parents will be.
Let me be a little bit more clear about the not seeing each other. For the next couple of years, until what has happened has passed, he will not be meeting her for exchanges with just the two of them. It will be at a place the court deems, or it will be a trusted family member that both biological parents can agree on. Any major events such as birthdays or holidays, i will be there. This woman has been absolutely horrid to me and i am not okay with the two of them being together. In time, i am sure that will pass. But it won't be anytime soon. I hope for one day all that has happened will just be history and we will all be able to be friendly.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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Actually, not to be bitchy, or anything, but you don't know WHAT is going to be decided for custody exchange, etc, as that will be up to the courts, and the child's biological parents.

[deleted account]

Actually, they will not be seeing each other, ever. There will be a middle man at all times because of things that happened after the baby was discovered. So i will not expect to be dealing with them ever seeinf each other unless there is some sort of emergency, which i will know about.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/20/2015

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You have to accept that he's going to be seeing her at child exchanges, etc for the next 18 years. You do not have a place at HER delivery, nor should you even think about trying to wedge yourself into that. That is presumptive, and rude.
You reconciled with this man KNOWING that he'd been with another, and now has another responsibility. It is admirable that you accept that the child is his, and will be in your lives, but you have no place other than 'stepmother'.
If SHE invites you, then by all means, consider it. But if not...get used to it.

Rayshoun - posted on 07/20/2015

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TRUST. You are correct; it is her birth experience. I would not go unless HE really needed me to be there.... he is grown man and should be able to be there on his own an still come home to you. There will be other times where he will be around his child and the mother and you may not be present. You will need to TRUST his ability to do that without issues. and still be the man in your life you guys have panned for him to be.

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