The Enemy has Infiltrated My Son's Mind.

M - posted on 11/22/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I am a single divorced mother. My son was 11 years old when we divorced. He is now 17 year old and desperately seeking attention from his father. I have always instilled in my son respect, discipline, structure and rules in my household from a very young age. After my divorce from his father we never had problems. Both households maintained the same rules and respect for one another...UNTIL my EX married a woman whom lost her own children to her heavy drugs use. She has never really had anyone help her and of-course now feels she has won a prize as my Ex has money and status.

Since she has become a permanent fixture in my EX's life, it is always about her and him and my son is last on the list and is craving his fathers attention. I now over the past few years have been dealing with a very disrespectful son. I have always had an open door for my ex to see his son and my son to see his father. It was important for me that they built a good relationship so I never left the state for my sons sake.

This year I started to Home School my son for his junior and Senior years. it has a bit of a fight but he is getting straight A's. Public school had many distractions for him and it was a nightmare, so I switched it up with the agreement of my ex to benefit our son academically.

I have recently found out his fathers household has no rules or consequences. His school work does not have to be done and my ex due to having money gives him what he wants when he wants it. There is also a step son there who is 20years old and smokes weed and my son just thinks its so cool to now have a bigger brother, so there is another bad influence for my son. When my son comes home, I have to deal with him being behind in his lessons (past 4 weeks by 50 lessons), rudeness and the threats he wants to live with his father...Of-course he does... Its the easy household! NO Yelling No Rules, Can Do what he wants...Thats' a dream come true for any child.

I try my best to bite my tongue at the same time keeping all rules in tact. My son has learned to push and push and push me to the point of having to lock myself in my room or worse I end up having an anxiety attack due to all the stress I have to deal with from the other household and the lack of support in following the structure we agreed to have in place for our son.. It does not matter how nice I am....sure I have yelled, screamed, threatened to throw him out all of what I think most parents do when there children are constantly being disrespectful...but nothing works he is still disrespectful and I did not raise him that way.

My ex's wife calls and sends nasty messages to me all the time about my son hating me and hating living with me, downs my marriage to my ex. She brings up my sons child support as she calls it "hefty" all the time which clearly shows me what she wants. She is very insecure, and why wouldn't she be, he married me twice while messing around with a side-line the past 20 years. And I was the one who divorced him twice. But what ever movie she likes to play in her head is her problem. I have gone to the extent of blocking her calls and texts. I will not have any dialogue with her until she can communicate like a lady of some sort and my son is number one priority in their lives other than a means to create division between my son and I for the benefit of their pockets. The only communication should be with his father but he never responds unless he has something of monetary value to give our son. MANIPULATION at its finest.

All I care about is the well being of my son, academically, emotionally, spiritually and to prepare him to be a responsible young man who is balanced and ready for college and the world. It just breaks my heart that my son is hurting so much and he does not see it.

I feel he is being manipulated to such a point that if he has an easy house to go to and wants to live at they will not have to pay child support. For them it all boils down to money.

I call them the enemy because if you a decent human being (father and mother) you would want to do what is in the child's best interest. My ex believes he is showing him how to be a man and states " he needs to fall hard and learn some lessons"... As a mother i am against that philosophy because no one can guarantee the child will ever get back up....We are suppose to guide our children, and if we see them fall we are there to encourage them to get back up and try again...Not drop kick them into a mine field.

So with that being said, I am in a constant war zone and I feel the enemy is infiltrating my sons mind and manipulating him against me. I am just not sure what to do at this point. So any guidance that anyone can help me with is so greatly appreciated.

Thank you All.

14 Comments

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M - posted on 11/25/2013

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Thank you momoftwo....I am trying to keep my head up and keep him together at the same time. Blessings to you.

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/25/2013

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I know, it's hard but you're doing everything as you can and you are a good mom for trying and not giving up!

M - posted on 11/25/2013

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I am trying all sorts of methods, from mentors to counseling, to volunteering on Thanks Giving day at a Homeless Shelter to Coaches talking to him etc....It seems as nothing is working. It does not matter what I do for him, or how nice I do it...I get nowhere....Just so completely Lost right now. I feel I have just lost him.

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/23/2013

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I completely agree 100% :)
Keep up the good work and I will pray for you too!

M - posted on 11/23/2013

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I feel that I have done everything possible to give him a good lifestyle along with teaching him how to be a Man of Character. Unfortunately most boys that crave their fathers attention try to emulate them because they are in denial of who their father really is.

Children need rules and consequences...this is part of life. Growing up to feel entitled just perpetuates the madness we have in society amongst our teenagers. It takes a village to raise a child. I hope that when your children grow up they will realize that it is important to have structure...this is something that needs to be instilled while they are young.

Well this Thanksgiving Day is going to be a bit different for my son...I am taking him to a shelter where he can help with the homeless and serve food. He needs to see reality up close and personal and maybe in his heart he will begin to realize how truly good he has it.

I will pray for you and yours momoftwo....We just have to have Faith we are doing what is right and not allow the enemy to infiltrate Our lives.

Take a Listen to how I am staying Uplifted...Hope it helps.

http://youtu.be/7lQZ6j6UGrM

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/23/2013

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Yeah I mean you have done everything that I would have done and I'm all out of ideas. That's the crappy thing about people splitting up because even with my situation my first child's father isn't really in the picture (and she's 5) so she goes to the grandparents every second weekend because they took me in when I was pregnant and played the daddy-role after he took off. They don't really have rulesfor her and I was mortified by how snot-nosed and prissy she was to them, there has been times where she tried pulling that on us here when she got back from their place and hahaha oh no that doesn't work here. She's pretty much good here but that's the problem with different places we are the rules and they are letting themselves be the door mat.

Unfortunately everyone is always going to treat them differently.

M - posted on 11/22/2013

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Tried to discuss it amicably over the phone last week ....My ex agreed to everything and we agreed to sit down first then to talk to our son at another time. Unfortunately my ex decided to have our discussion in front of our son before we actually spoke and sat down. He cant even keep his agreement. Tried to make me look bad again in front of my son. So not even that works. I am just at a loss. I guess I will have to just figure it out slowly with my son and hope he can see the light.

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/22/2013

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My god I have no idea. I would do the drug test but wow. I am stumped.
And a crack head?! Sorry "ex crack head"?! I would never in my life have a family with that, wow. And yeah I smoke cigarettes too but hey at least it's legal. I have nothing against marijuana and I don't smoke it but regardless it's still illegal so yeah his place vs your place... His is the worst by far.

It would probably be awkward but I'd just have a thing where you, your ex, and your son sit down and throw everything out on the table when it comes to situations and feelings and the environment. I dunno if it would be good or bad but for me it'd probably be worth a shot.

M - posted on 11/22/2013

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I asked him and he said no he would never. I did however find a picture of him smoking a Hooka pipe and when i told his father about it he turned around and blamed me because i smoke cigarettes. Mind you the photo was taken 4 months ago while he was at his dads for the summer. I just laughed at his father and told him "Take a good look at your household and what you have our son around. A new wife whom you claim is off drugs (crack) who lost both her kids to her ex husbands because of it and now one of those kids who is 20 years old smokes weed and lives with you. So you tell me whose environment is too blame"....This is what I go through on a weekly basis. And his wife which I am sorry I call TRASH has the audacity to text me and call me the worst mother society knows....and yet she gets more respect than me. It just boils down to the NO RULES NO DISCIPLINE DO WHAT I WANT HOUSE HOLD....I am not even sure if I can get a drug test on him without him knowing because if my son found out I would once again be the bad mother and be blamed. Any ideas?

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/22/2013

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I find all kids are like that, it's sick how people can neglect them and they crave their parents attention. :(
I hope he realizes soon because to me that would be the biggest slap in the face and even I don't really know how to handle that one.
Do you know if he is doing drugs with the other boy?

M - posted on 11/22/2013

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Thank you momoftwo...I am trying my best. I may not be the greatest mother but I am trying to be the best mother I can be. I do admit I yell a lot just out of sheer frustration as I feel I have too hold it down for 2 households and clean up the aftermath. I know right now he just wants it easy but I am not with the belief of letting my son go to fend for himself when he is still in high school. I feel must instill as much as I can in him when it comes to his academics etc so that he will succeed in college. He is counting on his dad to get him a Basketball scholarship...But what if his dad drops dead, then what...What if he does not get into college because of Basketball, then what? At least his academics will get him where he needs to be. When he goes into college he is on his own...but I wont have any regrets because I did all I could do as any mother should. I am so afraid if I give in to him wanting to go to stay with his father he will sink so low and find himself in trouble or worse taking drugs because there is a history in that household with the new wife and her son of drugs.

Its so hard at times, because I get made to feel guilty and the bad parent for cracking down on him and forcing him to study. Its not like he is in Public School where he has to do 7 to 9 classes a day and has homework. He has a maximum of 3 lessons per day 5 days a week, clean your bedroom and bathroom and be respectful to me. then the rest of the day he can do as he pleases within the house rules. Simple for us but for him....No! I feel at times I am going 40 rounds with Mike Tyson....

I wish I knew of an easier way to communicate and help him understand so that we can stop having a battle...but he just tunes me out and nothing I do matters. All he wants to do is go to his fathers. My agreement with him is if you want to go to dads like Mon, Tues and Wed...then your work for Mon, Tues and Wed must be completed before you go. I am not budging on that. Am I being a bit lenient on other things you ask... YES, but only when he can show he is responsible with his studies and follow the rules.

I think what hurts so much is that his father does nothing for him, gives him what he wants, breaks his promises to him or his word and yet is respected by my son and I do absolutely everything and am disrespected.

This Thanksgiving I am going to take him to a homeless shelter and help feed the homeless. He needs to see how good he really has it.

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/22/2013

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Wow, that is pretty freaking cheap of him. Sheesh.
And your son will realize when he's older and matured that you were the one cracking down on him because you love him and wanted what's best. He will thank you for sure after all the straight A's and when he graduates and gets a good job. :)
Everyone hates rules but we must abide by them. It's sad though how he's so hung up on dad and doesn't realize how good he actually has it now.

M - posted on 11/22/2013

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I know right...Yes I had my son in counseling aprox 2 years ago and as a unit the counselor suggested we make an agreement (myself, father and son) in relation to rules and academics etc so we could get him back on track. I kept my side and of-course the other side was not kept, so i was cleaning up the mess on their end constantly. Yes there is resentment, but not in the way of any feelings for my ex but the way it affects my son and his future.

We started up again this past week with the same counselor because my son has a history with him. The ex agreed to let him go last week, but when he found out that the counselor is out of network of his insurance, my ex was like "Get another counselor I'm not going to pay a deductible" but of-course I am too pay the $50 co-pay. Now how cheap is that!!! A Man who makes over 200K wont pay for his son a $75 deductible.

A for the counselor, he is very supportive of my efforts and we will go and see him after thanksgiving. My son does not think he has a problem but I feel it is a good outlet for him to speak to a neutral party that can guide him and also help me be less rigid in my methods.

I am afraid that if they do deal with it and my son lives there he will be so lost and much worse off because this is the year where his academics means the most. I have to get his GPA back up. He has 5 subjects this semester and has finished 2 with straight A's.

Thank you for your encouraging words. I sure do hope I can get some insightful tips to get my son back and start liking me. Right now he just does not want to be around me or my rules.

[momoftwo] - posted on 11/22/2013

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Oh my, they certainly are a bunch of real "winners" eh? Lol
Honestly though you're doing what you can so good job! A lot of people would just give up. Kids are always going to make mistakes and learn lessons but sheesh sounds like his philosophy is "i don't want to deal with it do just let them do it and see what the outcome is".
Have you tried counselling?

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