The mother of my son's 17 year old girlfriend picks him up so he can sleepover and have sex with her dsughter. Help!

L - posted on 12/09/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My son is almost 19. He stated dating this girl right before senior prom who was 16 at the time. They started having sex right away. I appreciate their honesty, but it doesn't change our rules at home. I met with her mom on more than two occasions and we agreed on curfews and no overnights. The kids are not allowed to be alone at our house. Within 24 hours of she was allowing my son to sleep over. Now she even picks him up t
o stay over and have sex with her daughter because I wont let him take my car. I feel like I am in the twilight zone. None of us are ready to be raising any potential kids. My son had shown a lot of respect to us before this, but now resents us because we won't lower our standards or beliefs to fit with this other mom.

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Mommabird - posted on 12/11/2014

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Hate to say it but he's 19 and you cant control him having sex. Maybe in YOUR home, but anywhere else, no. But you CAN do your part in making sure he is being responsible. If he's 19 and she is 17...is she still in school or has she dropped out? Is she on birth control, is he using protection? Does he have a job? Can he support himself, her and a baby if she became pregnant?
Bottom line is....be as supportive as you can and offer advice on making good decisions for his future and thats all you can do. If you are being somewhat supportive and let him know you want to trust his decision making maybe he will be more apt to not disappoint you. But overall, we cannot control or manipulate how our childrens future goes...once theyre adults its on them. They make a mistake, they will learn more from it...rather than having someone say I told you so. THAT never works.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/11/2014

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Time for a contract for an adult child living in your home.

Outline each parties responsibilities and expectations, and both adhere. In this contract, you can address appropriate hours for coming/going in the house, and you can specify that illegal activities will not be tolerated and will be grounds for immediate eviction.

That MAY work, but most likely will not, because if she's almost 17, and her parents are granting permission for the sexual interaction, he will continue.

Wanda - posted on 12/11/2014

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I honestly think that the twilight zone is just a situation you don't like..rather than a real situation. He's 19!!! I won't allow my kids to have sex in my home but I will not dictate what goes on in their lives at that age. Why should he respect your decisions when you do nt respect his?
He's not a baby. Get him to do his chores..pay for his own things..and give him a curfew if you like..but stop being a cop! It will be his baby to raise not yours..and the more you say that you will be raising his baby them more you are stopping him for taking responsibility for his actions. It will be yours if you keep it up!
And he stopped giving you respect when you stopped giving him respect..

Sarah - posted on 12/11/2014

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If you actually believe your son is breaking the law, and you stand back and do nothing, you are an accessory to the crime. Best check out the age of consent and age range for your state. If, your son is truly committing statutory rape, you better clamp down or kick him out.

Dove - posted on 12/11/2014

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Legal reasons? Lady... unless you want to try and get your son in jail... that's just nuts. 'Typically' in age of consent laws there is about a 2 year stipulation anyway... in which case your not quite 19 year old son and his 17 year old girlfriend would not be violating anything.

It is absolutely OK for you to not let him borrow your cars and it is absolutely OK for you to outline what behaviors you will and will not allow in YOUR home... as for what he does outside of the home... You need to either let that go or tell him to find other living arrangements.

You absolutely do not have to support him having sex... but there isn't anything you can do about it except to try and make sure it doesn't happen in your house (or in your cars).

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Loie - posted on 12/11/2014

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Thank you. I really like the idea of a written contract that includes consequences. He is working, quit college to have more money to spend on their dates. His car broke down and we have had frequent problems with him bringing my husbands car back in time for my husband to go to work because he has fallen asleep. The nights he says he will be home, he is a no show with our cars. He tells me I am crazy for worrying and caring if he is ok .I am no longer letting him borrow my car because I don't want to support what is against the law and my values. He is only home one or two nights a week I am also thinking about recording the dates of the mom picking him up for legal reasons. Thank you everyone for your ideas

Raye - posted on 12/11/2014

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I agree with the others. You have your set of rules at your house for curfew and no sex in your house. If he's breaking your rules, then you need to decide if you're going to let him continue living there or what you think a responsible "punishment" would be. You can't keep him from having sex, and you can't control what other parents do. Some parents believe that it's safer to let it happen in their house because they can be there to "supervise" (figuratively, not literally), versus their kids going out anywhere else and having sex. In my opinion those parents are seriously deluding themselves, but to each his own.

Sarah - posted on 12/11/2014

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Statutes for the age of consent vary state to state and drastically internationally. 16 is the age of consent in most states so if she is old enough let's not complicate the matter with rape. Because you really don't want this boy labeled a sex offender.
If you don't like his behavior, he can either abide by the house rules or move out.
Just because he is an adult does no mean you have to agree to allow him to have premarital sex, but you can't stop him either. Hopefully you taught him to be safe. So far they have not conceived so maybe he listened to that information!
He is 19, why doesn't he have his own car, or job? Is he is school?

Ev - posted on 12/11/2014

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And it sounds like the mom of this girl has drastically changed the rules for her own home. But seriously, he is an adult and if you do not like his behavior then either he needs to move on to his own place or you set up ground rules for the house while he lives there as suggested. You can not demand he not do things you do not like though because it is his choice but that he respect the rules in your home Ie...no having sex in your house (or whatever it might really be). He has to understand that its not his house but yours. If the other woman has decided that she is fine with him coming and staying over like that, you can not have any say in that.

Loie - posted on 12/11/2014

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She is not yet the age of consent, it is considered statutory rape, and she is still in highschool. We moms met because they had been breaking rules that were in place already in each of our homes. The kids had different curfews and I was hoping he would respect her rules.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/09/2014

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Wow. Personally, I let my 20 year old decide on his own whether or not he should be sexually active...and I've let him decide that since he was an adult!

As long as the young lady is above the age of consent for your area, you have no right, nor any place meddling in your son's sexual affairs. Did you raise him to be responsible? Did you raise him well? Trust yourself.

If you have a house rule of 'in by 11 pm', and he's living in your home, you need to discuss reasonable limits with him, and at this point, I'd recommend a contract to outline both parties' responsibilities and expectations. Your son is an adult. Start treating him like one.

Jodi - posted on 12/09/2014

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" I met with her mom on more than two occasions and we agreed on curfews and no overnights"

Your agreement is with her mother, not your son. Your son is an adult. Why is your agreement not with him? If you have an adult child living in your home, your agreements should be with him. Sit down and agree to a set of house rules, the basis of which form your approval on him staying and living in your home. It's not up to the girlfriend's mother to comply with YOUR curfew, it is up to your son.

Your son is 19. 19 year olds have sex. You have to trust that you have taught him to be careful, to be protected.

You need to stop treating your son as a child (liaising with the other parent IS treating him like he has no say in this).

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