Ava - posted on 03/06/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )
Our son turned 18 today. For the last 4 years, he has been verbally, physically and mentally abusive whenever we set any kind of reasonable limit. (I know the names of every single police officer in this district! : ) Prior to that he was always conflictual, oppositionally defiant, and could never maintain healthy relationships. He has Aspergers, ADHD, and who knows what other neurological disorders, although we have had every psych test from multiple experts, and children’s neurosychology centers. We have partiicpated in counseling for years. We have sent him to Costa Rica twice becaue he wanted to go with the youth group in our church, although he really doesn’t care about God, but he wanted to go on the trip. We paid for him to go on a cruise with his friends and their parents. We have flown him out to the west coast several times (we live in the midwest) to visit his friends (of course staying with their parents.) We purchase nice gifts for him for Christmas and his birthdays (i.e. mini iPad, gift cards, etc.). We drive him places he needs to go, truly going out of our way on a regular basis. When we set limits, for instance when he wants to stay out till 4:00 a.m., and we say, no, that is not reasonable nor permissable, he goes ballistic, cussing us out, calling me a piece of sh__, a bit__, f__ing piece of crap. Also, texting me the same words. This goes on for a long long time. He already totalled one car we went way out of our way, and did a lot of research to purchase for him when he turned 17. He totalled it - drunk. We waited a long time but eventually, because of our schedules, we needed to get some kind of transportation for him to drive himself to work, because physlically we couldn’t get our family to where we all needed to go with the cars we had. He crashed that car also. My husband drove him all over the country so he could try out for The Voice. We are really trying our best! One time we found him and his friend drinking in his room. When we set limits and consequences, he attacks us, blames us, telling us that we are the worst parents ever. He goes around the house with a sharpie coloring himself out of all his pictures in our family. When he woke up from a minor surgery recently, of course I stayed with him the entire time, the nurse asked him who I was, and he called me by my first name, not “my mom.” That hurt. He does that often. Today he turned 18. He wanted Eric (his dad) to bring his balloons and other goodies to his high school and that he would take them to class and then with him when he had dinner with his friends. We had to leave them at the office for him to pick up later, which he knew. The school called us just before the office closed, to say, he never picked them up and the school was closed. So they are sitting in the school office for the weekend. We try so hard with keeping a balance between not being permissive nor too rigid. But when he gets so psychologically and emotionally abusive, my resilience wears down and I become weary and sad since I want my son to love me and to respect me. I’m sure others experience this struggle. How do you manage?