The topic of sex, when your child is gay

Trisha - posted on 03/20/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have suspected my 16 yr old stepson has been gay for quite awhile. We have broached the topic with him, and tried to make sure it was not super uncomfortable to talk about.

Today I walked into the house (he had a day off school) to find him upstairs having a shower, and one of his male friends having a shower downstairs. YES, it may have been perfectly innocent, but if it was a girl showering downstairs, there would be no questioning it. The topic of sex would have to be brought up.

My husband thinks it is a waste of time for me to talk to him, because he doesn't think he will admit he is gay, but I think that it is worth reminding him that condoms don't only prevent pregnancy, and that he should start using them in ANY situation that he has sex. We don't want to encourage him to have sex, no matter the orientation, but we aren't going to be able to prevent it, especially when he gets extra time off school.

Thoughts?

I think my approach would be to ask him WHY someone was showering in our home?

I don't want to make a big deal out of what he identifies as in relation to his sexual orientation, because ultimately it does not matter. Safe sex does.

Thoughts?

5 Comments

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/28/2015

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You've had the sex discussion, many times, it seems. Give it a rest, or you risk him behaving contrarily to your discussion simply out of spite.

Yes, discuss the house rules again. I agree that it wasn't appropriate to do so while the friend was still present, and a simple "Hey, remember we agreed to no friends while we're not home" should do the trick.

Harping on his sexuality isn't going to get him to come out to you any sooner, if he is gay. If anything, it will make him NOT want to say anything, to avoid the uncomfortable situation of having to discuss it with you. Be patient. If he's gay, he'll tell you soon enough. If he's not, he'll start dating girls. Or not! Maybe he isn't sure one way, or the other, or (like my eldest) he already has an idea of what 'the one' will be like, and isn't going to show any interest until he meets 'the one'.

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

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If he is not supposed to have friends in the house when you are not there, then keep the conversation about that. I agree it isn't appropriate to remind him while the friend is there, but definitely appropriate to have a firm discussion about it once the friend has left.

I still don't agree that you need to have the sex discussion at this point. Lay off that one. I have seen my younger brother go through the struggle of figuring out his sexuality - the last thing your stepson needs is to have you having sex talks with him after his male friend left the house.

Trisha - posted on 03/20/2015

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He is not supposed to have friends at the house when we are not home, but I didn't feel it was appropriate to remind him of that WHILE his friend was here, as to not make his friend uncomfortable. We don't live in the greatest of neighbourhoods, and his friends have stolen from us before.

We have had many a conversation about sex, but it always ends at "make sure you use protection". I worry that most people think add onto the end of that "...so she doesn't get pregnant" and forget about the fact that it prevents STDs, and that STDs are transmitted male to male as well, especially at his age.

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

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I think that you need to just leave it alone. I'm assuming you've both already had lots of conversations with him about sex.You don't need to have the conversation every time you suspect he is sexually active. Also don't keep on at him about being gay. Maybe he is and maybe he isn't. Maybe he is still figuring that out for himself and doesn't need you to be continually insinuating you think he is.

Yes, I would ask why so and so needed a shower at our house. I would also be asking him to ask when he has friends over, just out of respect for it being your home.

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