Thinking of Divorce and 20 month old

Val - posted on 03/11/2015 ( 10 moms have responded )

4

0

1

I have a 20 month old son. I have been married for almost 6 years. I have known my husband before we got married, so we dated prior to for years. There have been some issues that I have been trying to deal with since July 2014. Recently an incident occurred with family members that I was not happy about and confronted my husband about which he did not seem to take my side or want to confront family members about it. There is too much detail and personal information that I do not wish to speak about. Which I am sure you all can understand.

Anyway, since the incident a month ago, I have been thinking if divorce is the right thing to do. I do love my husband, but since the incident things have been different between us. And things are not normal the way they use to be. I feel like if I take my son and move out I will be happy, but then at the same time I am not sure if I can survive with my salary. I am very scared and afraid financially the most. I want to do what is best for my little boy. I don’t want child or spousal support from my husband, I don’t want anything from him. I just want to be happy myself and keep my son happy too. My son obviously won’t understand what is going on. He is a happy boy no matter what even if the environment around him changes he has been good with that a lot since he was born.

My husband has no idea I have thought about divorce. Our families live in a different province and we live in a different province. So I would not want to move to where his family is living (in the other province) and I have my family in the same province as his, but do not speak to them nor will I get in contact if I were to get a divorce.

Just wondering how to get through this without being or getting so emotional. I am a very emotional person and it’s hard just thinking about the word “divorce” because no women really expects it to happen and you want to obviously be happy with your significant other no matter what. I have tried to explain my thoughts and feelings to my husband but he just doesn’t seem to get it and he is always defending and taking his parents side and never my side whether I am right or wrong in a situation. I thought a husband is to stand by his wife’s side no matter what, but it just doesn't seem to be this way.

Please help! I just don’t know what to do…I am going to sleep upset every night wondering what to do…and just end up with tears rolling down.

10 Comments

View replies by

Michelle - posted on 03/11/2015

3,915

8

3246

If your husband won't go to counselling then I suggest that you go on your own. It can help to talk to someone outside of the situation.
Maybe instead of going straight for a divorce you could have a separation. Let your husband know that you would like him to attend counselling with you while you are separated to see if the marriage can be saved. If you have moved out and let him know that you are very close to divorce he may want to try and save the marriage.

Val - posted on 03/11/2015

4

0

1

Hey Raye,

I know i can't what they say or think about it. I had great difficult times with my own family and taking this on is hard to deal with. I don't expect to cut my husband out of his son's life...he can see him whenever within set limitations we discuss if divorce proceeds now or in the future.

it just will be a tough road to decide what to do...thanks for the support!

Raye - posted on 03/11/2015

3,761

0

21

It is tough, and you can't control what they think or what they say about you. And yes, your husband should be sympathetic to your feelings and not let his family treat you badly. You do need to think about the best interest of your son, and if you decide to divorce, your child will have a better life if his father is contributing financially and if the father is still able to have a relationship with his son. Even if you don't ask for support, the father should still be a part of his child's life. You won't be able to cut him out completely unless it's his choice to stay away.

Val - posted on 03/11/2015

4

0

1

Hi Raye Ramsey,

he won't go to counselling for sure. I know that for a fact. sometimes i feel like i could be over-reacting but i don't think so. what happened was a family member literally yelled at me in front of my son because i chuckled about something and it was not a big deal. that person had no right to yell at me that way and i cannot recall if my husband was there during that incident or not but when i told him about it he said it was my fault basically and will not confront this person about it. the family member is from his side not mine. last year this huge conflict occurred between us and family members that things were said in ways that made me feel like not a good mother and that i don't take care of my son the way i should and should know what my son needs and so forth. i am a new mom...all new moms go through things with their first born and make mistakes along the way which is normal. but his family members did not think so. a lot of hurtful things were said i tried to let things go after it all happened. but a month ago when this yelling incident occurred, it's making me realize and think that my husband can't even stand by my side or defend me or confront this family member because he says they will get upset, but he doesn't seem concerned at all how upsetting it was for me when it happened and how i was hurt. i didn't confront this family member right then because they were here for vacation and my son was right there and i did not want him to see or know what was going on as he doesn't need to be around people fighting at all.

Confronting this family member myself won't help, if i had the back-up of my husband, it would. but he doesn't again want to upset this person in anyway but doesn't care if i'm upset and would prefer i just let it go and move on. if he cannot back me up or defend me in situations, i don't know how to be happy in a household like this. whether i am right or wrong, i should have my husbands side regardless.

yes it is his obligation to help provide for his child. only reason i don't want to ask for money for child/spousal is so they don't think all i am after is money. that is what his family and him think of as my family (this is entirely different story about my family not related to my divorce thinking) is that they were just not wanting to spend money on me for things and stuff.

i would prefer to work on the issues at hand...but nothings been normal since about a month now you could say. of course if the divorce even happens, i will get blamed from his family members that it was my fault that it happened and that i was the biggest mistake of his life and all this stuff. that will be another thing that will be hard to deal with.

i am just in a tough situation and just 50-50 on going in the direction of divorce or not to. just a tough place to be in...i dont know how some women do it or come through.

Raye - posted on 03/11/2015

3,761

0

21

If you cannot rely on your husband to be supportive of you in your marriage, you definitely have problems. Would he go to counseling with you to try to resolve those issues? If he doesn't think there's a problem or won't try to fix things between you, then divorce might be your best option. It's hard to tell if you're over-reacting, since you didn't include details of the "incident" but you know your heart and should follow your heart.

Don't dismiss the possibility of getting child support and/or spousal support. Just because you may feel somewhat guilty about being the one that is ending the relationship doesn't mean that your child has to suffer and do without. Get over your pride. He is responsible for the divorce as well, if he won't work on the issues. He's also responsible for the child's well-being, and should help financially so you can provide the basics... shelter, food, clothing, education. If you're doing it all alone, not having your family to help, then you will need assistance to get you going. If your financial situation changes down the road, then you can always change the support arrangements.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms