This is regarding grown child

Laura - posted on 08/21/2015 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Hi I have two daughters now 24 and 27; I did raise them myself since 1 and 4. Later after getting back in touch w her dad the youngest at 19 went to stay with him to break away from friends due to partying. She did go to college there and is still there five years later. The drinking issue was never addressed when he told me that it would be. I am feeling like he wanted her there more for his own guilt and missing her than helping her with the alcohol problems. I reall miss her and I first stayed out of it due to being so hard to talk to her I missed her so much and I was glad she was back on track with school. She is now dating moving in with a boyfriend and I did see here this June when we were together for an out of town wedding. She did drink very very heavily and this is very painful to me that this was not addressed and it could have been due to her father having all the info right from the beginning. Any thoughts would be helpful, I know this involves older children

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Raye - posted on 08/24/2015

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If she was with you at Christmas, then why did YOU let her get drunk? You had the booze where she could have access to it. You "told her twice to call it a night", how about you putting your foot down and stopping her from continuing to drink all night? Why didn't you take her keys?

You're trying to put all the blame on her father, when you don't know how to control her either. She IS an adult. And she may end up finding out there's some harsh consequences for her actions. You and her father need to limit access as much as you can while she's in your homes, but she's going to do what she wants out on her own. Get the police involved, do an intervention, get her into rehab, or let her screw up her life until she hits rock bottom. Unfortunately, rock bottom may be the end of her life.

Jodi - posted on 08/22/2015

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And what we are saying is that by that time she was an adult. It was her choice. You, also, did not continue on with what she was on the brink of accepting. If I said to you "Well, you allowed her to move in with her dad", what would be your response to that?

The FACT is she is an adult, and dwelling on the "could have, should have, didn't" is really just not constructive. You can throw blame out there, you can be angry at what was not done, but in the end, is that relevant right now? How is it helping?

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Sarah - posted on 08/23/2015

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If she was able to go to school and graduate without getting kicked out, arrested or killed, she was not drinking they way you describe she is now. I agree with the other posts, encourage her to get help and don't permit her to drink and drive.

Dove - posted on 08/22/2015

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If she is driving drunk and getting into car accidents while drunk I am wondering why the police are not involved.... You can not make her stop drinking or really involve yourself in getting her to stop other than asking her to seek rehab or staging an intervention... but it still has to be HER choice to get help... or your choice not to be around the behavior.

If the police have not yet been involved and she continues on this path... it's probably only a matter of time until she kills someone. If it were MY child driving drunk (when they still lived near me)... I would have turned them in to the police myself.

Laura - posted on 08/22/2015

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This was addressed when it started and many times throughout. She made the decision to move on her own to put some distance between her and her friends, which I was proud of her for realizing that she needed to do that. What I'm saying is, he did not continue on with what she was on the brink of accepting. After years, he had the opportunity with her still being of age to be on insurance as a college student. He didn't, after we agreed when she went there that this would be addressed. Now here we are years later and the drinking is a serious issue again.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/21/2015

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She was an adult when she moved in with her father, so don't blame him. The time to address inappropriate behaviour with your children is when it STARTS, not after they've become an adult and gotten away with it.

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2015

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She was an adult when she moved in with her father, and she is an adult now. You can't blame her father for her drinking problem. Fine, he had the information. But she was 19 years old. What did you expect him to do with that information?

I'm really sorry this is happening, but there is little you can do other than talk to her about it and encourage her to rehab But you can't (neither you OR her father 5 years ago) force an adult child into rehab.

Laura - posted on 08/21/2015

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No actually there were many incidents before the move, two car accidents two trips to the emergency room. He had all the background information and way to much to even began to put on a blog. Also this was not just while at the wedding.. she drank tequila while at professional baseball game and pissed on the comuter train coming in wasted. Also not fun to see my beautifu girl slurring her words, etc. This is just one in the 3 day time span we were together. Also at Christmas drank w a not even good friend in the garage till 4 am after I told them twice to call it a night. I find her passed out in the driveway behind the steering wheel after she drove some one home. They had finished the champagen that was supposed to be for Xmas brunch and gone through half of the beer I had in the house for entire holiday week. This has been a long time of ups and downs with the drinking. Reason being why she went to another state... I am just dissapointed that her father did not take care of this while he could while she was attending school when she first got there. He had the information

Jodi - posted on 08/21/2015

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Your daughter is grown. There is little you CAN do. But think about it - you were together for an out of town wedding. People DO tend to drink more at a celebration like that than at other times. It is possible you are reading way too much into it. You are assessing this based on one incident.

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