Tips on raising young step children?

Chelsea - posted on 10/01/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hi, I'm new here and I have a 6 year old step son and a 4 year old step daughter and a 9 month old baby of my own. My step children's mother is barely in the picture see's them once a month and calls a couple times a week. She's making things difficult for our family life and I was just wondering if anyone else has this problem and if anyone had some tips on what I could do to better things in our home.

Thanks so much to anyone!

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Liza - posted on 01/23/2016

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Also! With her telling the boys not to listen to you, and I'm sure she talks badly about you too (I experience this as well). The boys have told me nasty thing their mom has said about me, and everytime they tell me, all I say is "That's okay, mommy has her own opinions and can say what she wants, but that will never change how much I love you." I know this is kind of lousy, but it is very important to me to never say anything negative about their mother. I hope this helps. In the end, when the boys are older, they will know who took care of them, who got them ready for school, cooked them breakfast lunch and dinner, and kissed them goodnight. Who raised them. That's you. It may take a while, but when they are older they will understand.

Liza - posted on 01/23/2016

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Hi Tracy! I am so glad I found this. I too have a 6 year old step son, a 4 year old step son, a 6 month old daughter, and another baby on the way. The boys' mom is barely in the picture, sees them maybe once a month and call maybe once every week or two. I've loved these boys more than anything from day one, but since I've had my daughter I have found it difficult to treat them the same way I treat my daughter, which I was told would happen. The 6 year old is obviously acting out because of his issues with his mom, and the 4 year old is too young to understand what is going on, besides "Mommy isn't following the rules." I am so glad that I have found somebody that is in the same position that I am. We have been struggling with the oldest, him having behavior issues at school and on the bus. He is seeing a councilor once a week and he loves going and talking to her. The boys were placed in our custody after they were taken away from their mother, so it is very hard to talk to them about what is going on. We've been told to "change the subject" when they ask about their mommy, which I do not believe is fair.

Anyway, the only advice I have for you is to constantly show the boys love. Children long for cuddling, kisses and love. And especially when they don't get that from their biological mother. Even if it's hard to show affection (I am guilty of this) you must do it anyway. Let them know that they can talk to you about anything at all, and most importantly, NEVER disrespect or talk negatively about their mother (that should be obvious but so many mothers do it). I would love any advice from you if you have any.

Thank you! Liza

Faye - posted on 10/03/2012

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The kids know who is there for them on a daily basis. I think she is jealous of the closeness you and her kids have. Ignore her to a point and love on the kids all they want. Enjoy this time in their lives as soon they will be teens and will not want you, her or dad around.

Chelsea - posted on 10/03/2012

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The bio mom tells my step kids to not listen to us and to call us names. The kids have called me mom since I first came into the picture because she left when they were both so young they never really had that strong mother figure that they both needed. So when I started dating their father my oldest asked if he could call me mom and I said of course and that's the way its been since. But here recently she has been telling the kids I'm not their mom which is true the kids and I both realize I'm not their real mom, and not to listen to me, but I am a mother figure to them and that I'm here for them day and night. We have sole legal and physical custody and the kids live with us so I do everything take them to and from school, help with homework, take them to sports and extra activities, I take care of every bump and scrape, I'm there in the middle of the night for them, I do everything a mother is supposed to do. I have a feeling she's doing this out of jealousy because she has lost a big part with them when she chose to leave and is taking it out on me. I've read what the step mother's role in the children's live is supposed to be kinda from a distance let the father be in control with everything and keep their real mother in their life. But she wants nothing to do with me, she wants only what she has with the kids and no more, and she enjoys living far away and making things difficult at home. So I guess my real question is yes I am the step mom but I'm more of a mom to the kids than their real mom is so is there anyone dealing with what I'm dealing with so I don't feel so alone in all of this or just some advice in general.

Ariana - posted on 10/02/2012

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Could you give a better picture of what the issue is? Is the main issue the childrens or the mothers behavior? What are the children or the mother doing to make things difficult? What is your husband doing about it?

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