To have a baby but do not want to get married

Sylvie - posted on 06/25/2014 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Has been living with my man since 5 years but up to now he is still against marriage but he really wishes to have a baby... Do you think it is a good idea???

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Michelle - posted on 06/28/2014

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Mia: Marriage means different things to different people. To me it's NOT a piece of paper signifying ownership, to me it's a show of our love and commitment to each other. I made a promise to my husband to stand by him forever and that if we have any problems we will work them out.
I agree that living in a defacto relationship has the same legal stand point of marriage when it comes to separating but to me being married is more than just a piece of paper.

Mia - posted on 06/28/2014

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I am a 31 year old woman who doesn't want to get married either - yet my partner and I have a 10 month old baby together, own a house together, own a business together so what's mine is his and his is mine.

Why do I like it like this? You don't need to be married these days. Most marriages end in divorce (citation in Australia where I am) and legally you are on the same legal status as being married without having to do the whole ceremony, dress and reception.

It's a tough one..it doesn't mean a next step in a relationship, It's a piece of paper that signifies an ownership, which a lot of men and women are against. If you can't get past it and he won't budge it's an issue that needs to be addressed; as it may not work out in the long run.

J - posted on 06/27/2014

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It's all about culture, and what you believe to be right. I grew up with parents who 'co-parented' until I got to be 23, and then randomly decided to get married. They raised two kids who still believe in love and everything that comes with marriage, but mostly, we believed that it takes a commitment to raise children in unison. Why pressure him to do something that he may feel strongly against.. would you be okay with him forcing you to do something that you didn't believe in.. it would be a whole different situation then. 5 years is a commitment, and you're adults. Have a conversation. If you believe that you are both ready for a large commitment, why have anyone else make that decision for you. Having a child is a huge blessing, and having a mom and a dad that respect each other and work together is an even bigger blessing for the child. Look into co-parenting research- I am proof that it can work.

Michelle - posted on 06/26/2014

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How about a commitment ceremony? It's not a traditional marriage ceremony but you are pledging your love for each other.
There also has to be a deeper reason why he doesn't believe in marriage. Have his parents or any close relatives divorced? I find people who say it's "just a piece of paper" are really phobic about commitment.

Sylvie - posted on 06/26/2014

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We already talked about it. He said that he does not believe in the mariage institution. And that it is not important for him to sign a paper to be considered as married. He said that we are happy the way we are right now.

Michelle - posted on 06/26/2014

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Has he told you why he doesn't want to get married?
Maybe that's a talk you need to have. Discuss with him your feeling about it all and ask him why he doesn't want to take the next step in your relationship.

Sarah - posted on 06/25/2014

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Maybe he is not the right person for you then. The main part of dating is to figure out if this is someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. 5 years is plenty of time to figure that out. If he is not on the same path as you then he is not the right person. If you love someone then you want to do everything in your power to help them achieve their goals and ambitions in life. If marriage is a very important thing for you and it is not for him then maybe the two of you don't match. Just the same would be someone that dearly wanted kids matched with someone that was against having kids. Your goals in life are on two different paths. You two need to have a discussion between the two of you about what your goals and ambitions are. Then you both need to decide if you both match up or if you are doing each other a disservice. Neither one of you should settle for the other if you don't match up. Just as someone who wants kids should not settle with someone who does not want kids and vise versa.

35 yrs old is not that old for having kids. There are many people in their 40's having kids. I am almost 40 and plan to have more kids in the future. You also should not have a child solely because you feel your "running out of time". Bringing a child into a relationship adds lots of stress. Dynamics change. Your life is now not about you. It now revolves around your child and your child's needs come first. This is an adjustment and for some a hard one (even if they wanted a child). As myself and others have stated if he is having a hard time making a commitment to you I would be VERY worried that he may have a hard time making a commitment to a child who will require more time and effort then an adult. Then you are left trying to support and raise your child alone. Hard on you, but even more hard on the child.

Sylvie - posted on 06/25/2014

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I really appreciate your help but i'm still quite confused after reading your messages.It is so difficult to take such a decision. It is a lifetime commitment. I would prefer to have him commited to me first and then commitment as father. I will feel more secure but he does not understand how important it is for me.....But on the other hand I also wish so much to have a baby. I'm mostly 35yrs and he is 42yrs.

Michelle - posted on 06/25/2014

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I know a couple that have been together for about 15 years, have 4 children together and have never married. Being married doesn't mean you will be together forever.
I think it's a personal choice.

Ev - posted on 06/25/2014

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I have to agree with the other ladies. It would be best done if he is going to commit himself for the next 18 years to this child. I would think that his not wanting a marriage might be a red flag on how he wants to deal with committments.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/25/2014

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As long as he is willing to fully commit to the child for the next 18 years (and I'd get that in writing, preferably notarized so that it'll stand up in court), the marriage is just a piece of paper, really.

It seems that in these days, the 'in' thing to do is have kids but not be married. Personally, I don't agree with it, I think it's better for the parents to be fully committed in a recognized relationship before having kids. It's better for the kids.

My kids were quite unusual when they were in school, in that their biological parents were still married to each other (and still are today). We value that in our family, that we're one of the few who don't have court battles and dredge the kids through bullshit like that.

But, as I said, if you have a firm commitment, in writing, at least you wouldn't have to pay for a divorce. Unless, that is, you are in a 'common law' state, in which case, you could have already been together long enough to make a divorce necessary should you wish to split.

But, its your decision. Whichever you decide, I wish you the best of luck.

Sarah - posted on 06/25/2014

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Bad bad idea. If he can't commit to you then why do you think he will be committed to raising a baby for 18 plus years. Just look on this site on how many people decided to have a baby with a guy that did not want to marry that are now raising their child as a single parent. If he wishes to have a baby that bad and wants to make that commitment then he should have no problem making that commitment to you (marriage).

Michelle - posted on 06/25/2014

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We are living in 2014, you don't have to be married to have a baby.
It's a decision only you can make though.

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