To leave or not to leave?

Jewell - posted on 09/21/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )

6

0

2

Ok, so this is probably a no brainer but I tschoI just need validation from people who dont know me. I have A son who just
turned 18 and graduated high school. He is a great kid maybe he is too laid back and maybe sometimes lazy. He is working anywhere from 20-40 hours a week (working 3-11) sometimes till 12 or 1. Prior to this he hung out alot at home playing video games. My fiancee is x marine 22 years and is very structured, blunt etc. He lecrures alot and expects everything to be neat at all times. If u say ur gonna be there at 5 u better be there. U cant change ur mind or it causes tension. Anyways, he is very loving at times but seems like as soon as my kids come in the room his attitude changes. He over analyzes facial expressions, expects conversation from the kids... to be some initiated by them. He currently has my son paying 100.00 rent and he does pay me his car insurance monthly. He plans on starting college in jan. My fiancee dont want him playing games at our house (video games) he dont want him playing video games at his friends. He dont want him sleeping till late afternoon. He wants him to work more than 20 hours a week. He says if he only gets low hours that my son should go and find another job. He often makes comments that my son can start paying 300.00 a month for rent. When I disagreed... he said my son can move out. Now my daughter 16... he hates that she dont wanna talk to him, he says she is always in a mood, she has to not have a mood look on her face. Meanwhile just recently he was lecturing her and ttold her she sucks at cross country,and that she can move out and go live with her dad... who I divorced due to pill addiction. She is in 11th grade... my kids arent perfect but they get up everyday for school and work and hang out with good kids. I probably just answered my own question. None of usare truley happy and I keep thinking I can change him. He is very loving to me and then complains about my kids constantly!!! Please send advise. .. I need to get strong again. Thanks for reading. Sincerely.... depressed , hurting, confused!!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Ev - posted on 09/21/2014

7,679

7

915

I have to agree with these ladies. He sounds like he is not fully wanting to deal with your kids and accept them as part of the package deal. No man is worth loosing your kids' love and respect over. Trust me I know as my own kids have lost respect for their father because of his wives (he remarried 2x after me and is still with their 2nd step mom). Unfortunate for him, he does not seem to see this is happening. He has really lost the respect of our youngest who is 17 and in senior year. I decided long ago if a man could not accept my kids like they were his or even was something akin to a mentor of sorts, then he was not worth my time.

6 Comments

View replies by

Chet - posted on 09/22/2014

2,093

0

587

Cora, I'm not saying the original poster needs to let this man take over and be the one to start making all the decisions. My only point was that because his opinions aren't unreasonable there is probably room to work on the relationships if everyone is motivated to do that.

The original poster admitted to having an adult child who is not in school, sometimes works as little as 20 hours a week, and who sleeps in until the late in the afternoon. That situation would be a point of contention in a lot of households.

As much as the fiancé is overstepping and trying to parent kids who are not his to parent, while he is also failing to develop a good relationship with the kids, the mom is failing to communicate with her fiancé, failing to establish boundaries regarding his role in the household, and probably failing to see the merit in some of his concerns. Everyone has a hand in this (even the kids, since they're 16 and 18).

I completely agree that a step parent can't just waltz into a family and expect to be the parent. Everything you said is true. The intent of my original post was only to say that given the types of issues, and ages of the children, it would be possible to salvage the relationship if everyone wanted to work on it.

Cora - posted on 09/21/2014

21

0

0

I don't agree, I'm not saying its unreasonable to charge $300 and games cannot be bad if used to avoid your responsibilities etc etc, but it is unreasonable that this man comes in, after you have done all the hard yards of raising these kids and wants to dominate and take over from here, Im sorry but it is not the step parents job unless they have been around a long time and proven their devotion to said kids.., nor is it their right to decide what is right for your child, in my opinion coming from someone from a blended family, a step parent needs to earn the respect of a child not demand it, and you will find given time your child will willingly trust their advice. At the end of the day, who raised these kids, who loves these kids, and who wants the best for them..... they are who should make decisions, place boundaries etc.

Chet - posted on 09/21/2014

2,093

0

587

It's not unreasonable to want $300 a month in rent from an adult child who has the capacity to work full time. It's not unreasonable to think your son could do better finding a job that gives him consistent full time hours. It's not unreasonable to think that video games are a waste of time. Sleeping until late afternoon might be reasonable if your son works nights and gets home at 9am, but it could also be unreasonable if your son is just staying up late to play video games and then sleeping all day instead of doing something productive. And experting conversation from the people you live with isn't really asking a lot!

Your fiance's opinions aren't crazy or unfounded. His standards don't seem excessive, even if his delivery could use some work. It sounds like the issue here is a difference in parenting styles, and his capacity to really connect with your kids and talk to them in a way that will be effective.

If everyone was willing to work on these relationships, possibly go to family therapy, find some compromises that everyone can live with, you could certainly move forward. None of this stuff is insurmountable... especially since your children are 16 and 18 and will have their own lives soon. But everyone would need to be on board with wanting to make this work.

The thing is, the man you're describing doesn't sound hugely flexible, and it sounds like you're happy with the way your kids are choosing to live their lives. And if you came here knowing that this is a relationship that isn't working out overall you really should go with your gut instinct.

Arielle - posted on 09/21/2014

4

0

1

Have you told him how his behavior makes you feel and the effect it will have on your children? Who is he to qualify what determines a good cross country runner from a good one? Michael Jordan wasn't amazing at basketball at first. He should be encouraging her to practice more and work with her, if that's how he truly feels. I would think, out of love, he would be trying to help your son figure out what he wants to pursue and then get a job in that area so he will want to work full-time or start his own business.

Cora - posted on 09/21/2014

21

0

0

Honestly he has asshol..stepfather syndrome, its so common you just would not believe, he isn't capable of making rational decisions where your kids are concerned he is making them out of contempt thinking they are too spoilt, (If it is anything like my situation lol) Until your fiance is ready and willing to first take the initiative to gain the kids trust and affection, any dictatorship from him will be met with contempt and anger from you Kids. Your children sound like well rounded and responsible kids, you are a lucky Mum, my teens are terrible bratts in comparison, in saying that I put my foot down a long time ago with their step father, he still pipes up with protest here and there but at the end of the day, unless I can hear love in his voice when he speaks of them, about them or to them (it grows over the years but it really does take years) his comments go out the door because as their Mothers.. we truly do know what is best for our children, The marines was his choice, his choice to love and live that way of life, do you think it is fair that he deny your children the choice and try to force reform and discipline onto them? They are perfect the way they are, there is nothing wrong with your son starting out work part time, nothing wrong with video games, and nothing wrong with your daughter not coming first in cross county, he has no right to try and push them out the door to do his bidding. I apologize if I am overly passionate, I have lived with this kind of conflict for many years, my kids are unaware and have grown very fond of their step father because I refuse to let him have any say over important issues, in the end I realized he just wasn't capable of making sound decisions with my babys. Kids always come first, regardless of age, put your foot down before it gets worse. Hope this helps

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms