Toddler calling stepdad "dada"

[deleted account] ( 15 moms have responded )

My two y/o Biological father was in and out of his life and the last year he was in jail, i left him for mental and physocal abuse and cheating with several women .. i met someone who is wonderful to me and my son and now were having a daughter.. In my ex's absence my son called my now boyfriend 'dada' seemed out of nowhere because i never told him to or encouraged it however i domt know if my boyfriend did it , but he swears ge didnt.. Now my son is rekindled with his real dad who is making some real efforts to change himself and the relationship he has with me and his son, its a great thing! But now i feel a sense of guiilt because my son is confused .. Hes a very smart 2 yo if i do say so myself , should i let him sort this out and call them what he wants or redirect what he has been calling his stepdad..
Another thing, my current bf us very jealous and hateful towards my ex which i understand but its all so old and in the last for me we fight constantly when my son sees his real dad, he doesnt want to talk with him to work it out and he only gets more angry when we try to talk about it.. Advice??

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Sarah - posted on 01/25/2016

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What concerns me most in you post is this statement:
"Another thing, my current bf us very jealous and hateful towards my ex which i understand"
If your current BF can't at least be civil with bio-dad, then you have greater problems then what the child calls each man. You two have got to find a way to deal with his jealousy. What is he worried about? That you'll go back to your ex, or that the boy will love him "more"?
Regarding the title of each man; your son is 2 and will probably follow your lead in what to call your BF. Are you planning on marrying this man? Even if you don't marry him you will be co-parenting for the next 18+years. You can refer to bio-bad as "dad or daddy" and the BF as "papa, dada Joe ( or whatever his name is), or whatever works. Your son's questions about the role of each man can be answered honestly as they come up. There are all sort of family's and he is luck he has two men who are in his life.

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Dove - posted on 01/25/2016

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Even if your boyfriend won't go to counseling... I hope you will consider it. There ARE resources available to help you out of this situation. I'm sure there are good parts to your relationship, but this is not a healthy or safe thing for you.... especially pregnant w/ a toddler.

Ev - posted on 01/25/2016

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It just does not sound like your second child's father is mature enough to handle this stuff. He needs to grow up because in short order he is going to be a father and has to be responsible for his child. You need to be ready to deal with the outcome if he decides to leave and get child support, custody, and visitation set up for both men.

[deleted account]

Im 21 , these are the negatives here, this isnt my life in a nutshell .. My family is 6-10 hours away so no i have noone

Dove - posted on 01/25/2016

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Where are your parents? Do you have any relatives or friends that you could stay with for a while?

[deleted account]

Im trying to gain my independence back with a good job my own car and the means to get out if i wanted but its hard pregant and with a toddler and my ex didnt allow me to work at all when i was with him so my car i had a loan on got repoed .. I wasnt allowed to go to school or even leave the house with my son which was hard to do with out a car.. I say "allowed" because i was stupid and allowed him to control me but these were his rules in his house ..

[deleted account]

I agree and he doesnt dare even bring ut up around my son because it turns into a fight ans i womt allow my son to see or hear that usually we sit in the car out front of the house while hes in bed to try and talk it out .. Never gets anywhere he just says " you dont underatand or care about how i feel" i use the car he paid for to transport my son to see his dad and until me and my son are comfortable i stay and hang out while they spend time .. This makes him angry and he uses the car as a means of control which i dont allow i aplogize that hes hurt and tel him my son has a right to see his dad and that we can talk anout it later that i love him and then i leave but its always an issue later

Dove - posted on 01/25/2016

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How old are YOU? Given the latest information... I think I'd be steering far away from any sort of relationship w/ either of these men other than co-parenting w/ whatever visitations the courts decide upon.

They both sound far too young and immature to be fathers... but that's not their children's fault.

[deleted account]

Yes i agree we are blessed , both of them want to do good to my son,my ex is very wishy washy idk how long this will last to be honest but im hopeful.. mainly the issue with the jealousy is that hes 18 , maybe a little concerned i want o go back but that is out of the question espcially because we are about to have a child. My ex sent some of his friends with guns to his parents house they broke the front door and the window beside it in ... My bf sister was there and told me who it was ... So he has anger towars him for putting his family in danger because we wanted to be together

Dove - posted on 01/25/2016

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You tell him that when he was born his dad wasn't ready to be a dad, but now his father would like to try and get to know him. At 2 he may not understand this, but that is OK. Kids are very resilient and 2 is quite young. He'll adjust.

As for your ex calling the shots... he absolutely shouldn't. If you haven't already gotten a court order for custody, visitation, and child support... you need to do that asap.

Your boyfriend is just going to have to accept that your son has a right to know his biological father. That doesn't take away anything from what your boyfriend has and does provide for the boy... but EVERY child has a right to know where they came from and, if possible, know both of their parents.

Ev - posted on 01/25/2016

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Stormie--that is the way it is. The BF has to understand that dad does have the right to return and try to parent HIS son. Its not a call your BF can make. Dad won't be calling the shots totally. If you would get the custody issues taken care of then it would work out better for everyone. Dad has the right to be a parent and the boy has a right to know his dad. That is the whole point. If the BF can not deal with it, then is it worth it to have him around? Is it worth the fights because he thinks dad has not right to be there? What is fair for your son?

[deleted account]

Sorry , i replied under the question .. And to add my bf wont see a counselor i got pregant too soon and im trying to make the best of the situation and makes sure my son is happy

[deleted account]

Hes only upset because he knows how bad it USED to be and how little he ever cared about me or my son, he feels hes done everything he could for my 2 yo and feels the dad doesnt have the right to juat step in and call the shots , my LO used to call my bf jojo (joey) but it stopped after a month or so i was with my bf for 6 mths before i introduced them and i was very cautious i was uncomfortable with it, i dont want to hurt my bf by telling my son thats not your daddy when my bf is the only man to do anything for him or eveen just spend time with him.. I should not have let it progress but now how can i tell my son to call someone he barely knows dada and the man whos done everything for him a different name?

Dove - posted on 01/25/2016

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The bigger issue here is not what the 2 year old calls anyone, but the fact that your boyfriend is so upset about your son seeing his dad. I would recommend some counseling for all of you (if all adult parties are willing) to help sort this out.

I'm just going to agree w/ Evelyn since she said everything I wanted to say in a better fashion.

Ev - posted on 01/25/2016

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First, a child this age is gong to call those around him (males) dada a lot because they are learning to talk and maybe boyfriend's name is too hard to say. Second, now that bio dad is back in the picture you could keep telling son who dad is and who boyfriend is. Use boyfriend's real name so your son can get over the confusion. In the end the child is going to call everyone what he is comfortable with. Third, your boyfriend is not a step dad as yet. He is only the BF. He may have been there for you and the boy but until you marry him he is a BF. Also he needs to get off the jealousy wagon and begin to learn that dad is trying to be there for his son and it has nothing to do with you going back to the dad. He also has to understand that dad is there for 18 years and is doing the right thing. AS for him and dad working it out, do not force the issue. BF and dad do not need to work things out unless they can get along for the sake of the child. What concerns the child with dad is up to you and dad. Fourth, get some counseling with BF to work out the relationship. Fifth, you have another child coming into the world soon with the BF and you do not want to end up with 2 fathers you have to deal with because the BF is not getting his way and leaves.

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