Tourette Syndrome is destroying my marriage of 4 months,what shall i do?

Christine - posted on 06/06/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My husband and I got married earlier this year in the hope of starting a family fairly soon.My husband has tourette's since a young age and up until now I have tolerated it to my best ability. I have anxiety and often suffer from panic attacks (usually about his TS). Of late I have been so pre-occupied with how I'd cope if our child was to inherit the tourette gene that it is affecting my life and our relationship. My husband doesnt want to talk openly about this, nor does he want to go to a counseller. He has threatened to leave me if I decide I wont have his children. I'm stuck and so worried at the position I'm now in. I truly thought I could cope but just the idea of bringing a child into this world with a condition I have little control over is eating me away. What should I do?

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Angel - posted on 06/10/2012

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If I could go back I wouldn't have.... While dating my husband with tourettes our relationship was off & on. To make a long story short, my feelings of sympathy and that it wasn't his fault made me feel I could be strong and deal with it. Well, the best and worst thing happened, after 4 years off being off & on at 27 years old I found out I was pregnant. I got so depressed, every kick or flutter scared me, I thought my unborn child was inside me jerking, suffering from tourettes. ;'( Then he came and was perfect. :) (Hopefully stays that way, everyday I worry. I try to give it to God, but it doesn't work sometimes) So last year we decided to get married, its been awful. When my husband gets upset, he gets in my face, our son witnesses this. If he has something on his mind, it doesn't matter what time of day or night he has to address it, yelling, fighting, cursing, its awful. I trully want a divorce, but I LOVE him so much that its hard. My son has literaly asked his daddy not to hit mommy.

My body has shut down, me and my husband haven't had sex at all this year yet, I am mentally turned OFF. The love is still there but i feel like his caregiver, not a wife with a husband. ;'(

JuLeah - posted on 06/06/2011

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I am thinking the issues are not really with him. Your child will have many conditions you can't control. Your child may or may not deal with tourettes, or panic attacks.



If your condition has worsened, maybe you need to look at why and what you can do to reduce the stress in your life.



How do you stay calm? Yoga, swim, jog?



If you are preoccupied and stressed about a child you might have, that may or may not one day struggle with a condition you or your husband has ..... then yah, I can see that leaving you crazy feeling.



Keep the focus on what is in front of you, the hear and now. Let the future worry about it'self.



4 months is waaaay too soon to be talking about having a baby anyway.



Revisit this in another 18 months. Until then, enjoy one another, play, laugh, talk, live ....



You can see a counslor even if he won't.



He has threatened to leave you if you don't have his chidlren??????



Okay, well, threats are not cool. I say, bye bye, if this is what happened.



Or did he say, I really want kids, we talked about having kids, it was part of the deal and if you have changed your mind it might be a deal breaker.



Big difference there in intention and emotion.



And, you are not, by the way, in any position you can't change.



If he is really saying, I want kids and I want them now - have them or I walk .... then let him go. You don't need someone in your life like that.



If that is not what is happening, let time pass.



If you don't want to hand down genetic trates, adopt.



You have so many options, really, but why think about any of that now.



Learn some skills that keep you in the moment, help you to not obsess over thoughts, let go of things you can't control, and ground yourself where you are at ....



Stablize your life before you even think about bring in another ....

Sam - posted on 06/07/2011

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I don't judge you for not being sure about having his baby just in case your child would have T.S. Having supposed "normal" kids is tough and if you don't think that you could handle a child with special needs then don't do it. You don't want to end up resenting your child or husband. As bad as it sounds I know that I would not have a child in that situation simply because I could not handle it. Some might say that sounds selfish but it's not it's how I feel. Good luck and don't feel pressured into doing something that you don't want to do!

Christy - posted on 06/06/2011

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You both need help! Tell your husband you'll gladly have his children after he gets help. With that you will also get help for your anxiety issues! He's probably feeling the same way you are, except about your anxiety problems. He might not feel singled out if you're both seeing the counselor or psychologist.

Tyrae - posted on 06/06/2011

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My one question to you is why would you get into this marriage if you were so stressed witg everthing? I don't mean to be rude or anything it just seems like the wrong choice. A marriage should be one where you are comfortable and happy with your mate, not stressing at every moment. Either he needs to go to councilling with you or at least talk to you openly or this isn't going to work out.

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Christine - posted on 06/08/2011

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Thanks all. I am in my late 30's so the decision to try for kids early is purely based on this fact. Time is not on our side. Through all the research I have done there is a 50% chance of passing on the TS gene, which could result in full blown TS or OCD/ADHD, often its a combination of all. My husband said that he doesnt want to waste anymore with me if I decide I dont want to have HIS kids.I know I want kids and fear that if I was to leave this relationship due to this reason I probably wouldnt have time or the opportunity of meeting someone else, let alone start thinking about a family. So the absolute stressful part of my situation is, either take the chance and try for kids knowing they may inherit TS (and possibly blame us for this) or leave and possibly never have kids at all. Both options are so devastating to think about. I dont smoke, drink or take meds for my anxiety so its ultra tough. I do partly blame myself for not thinking so deeply about this before marriage but im now stuck and need to make a decision.

Blackwood - posted on 06/06/2011

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Have you spoken to a doctor about the odds or percentage of this being passed on to your child and if it does, maybe you need to see someone to help you deal with it. Maybe your hubby doesn't want to becuz he is upset that this is something he has to deal with, knows he might pass it on and feels that you are not supporting him. If you have panic attacks, you should really get help for that yourself. I have alopecia, it's where your immune system attacks your hair folics and I have not had hair for nearly 11 years now and from my understanding I have a 5% chance of passing it onto my child (very slim chance). I don't mean to be ignorate, I don't know much about Tourette's. It's not live threating right? There are so many health issues that can come with having a child, that maybe Tourette's isn't that bad in comparison. If you are seriuosly not thinking about having children and he really wants them, then you may end up recenting each other. I would really talk to a pro and see what the chances are, what too look for in a child and what you would do if your child has it. And again, go get help for yourself, with anxiety, even the smalled of things can really affect your life, so when you are faces with something like this it maybe overwhelming. Best of luck.

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