J - posted on 12/14/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and two months or so. We love each other more than we have ever felt love before. We feel a deep connection and that we found the right person for each other and see marriage down the line. We have a dog together and basically view ourselves as a family. We used to never ever fight, maybe but heads a little but that's it. But things have been different lately..
I can't tell if all that's been happening is just a phase he is going through or if it is permanent. I want to believe it is just a phase because he did sorta treat me like this a few months into our relationship.....but then he really opened up over the summer and we were more than perfect. No fights no disagreements. I was the happiest and most confident I have ever felt. I believe he was too. And I felt that way because of him and how he treated me like I was his everything and he couldn't stand the thought of hurting me. Now, I feel hurt a lot, and he listens, but doesn't seem to care or do anything to stop his actions.
I can't take the bashes anymore.
He made a joking comment of how pale my face was (it's winter..not sunny summer) and asked if I was going to tan again this winter. I didn't feel I had to. But now I am. For him. I don't think the risk of skin cancer is worth it. He seems to.
Last year he would make fun of the clothes I would wear, so this year I bought a complete new wardrobe. Though I love how confident I feel in these clothes and really enjoyed finding things that worked for me this year.....I made it a point that he knew the reason I have all these new clothes is because I didn't want him to judge me. He got mad I pointed that out.....yet he's the reason I did all that.
So he gets mad (not mad but, laughs at me) when I don't have the right clothes, and also gets mad when I go out and get them...?
It's like no matter what I do, he gets angry.
This is common in our relationship.
His way of getting me to change something is to bring it up in a joking way. So that when I do do it, he can say "Why? I was just joking." So he doesnt come across as shallow.
Through out our entire relationship I have always made it a point to go the extra mile for him. I buy him his favorite drink a lot and show up to his house with it, I surprise him at work with lunch from a place he loves, cute little surprises, big favors, little tasks so he won't stress about them....etc. You name it I have probably done it for him and/or his family. I would bring food over to their house to when I came.
His family and I were/are really close. I am basically a part of their family always have been. But now all they do is take advantage of me. They expect me to drive them places (last minute I might add) and don't even ask. They volunteer me. My boyfriend especially volunteers me. I basically run their family's errands for them, while they sit home and relax. I am sapposed to be a guest, there to hangout with them and my boyfriend. But now I am basically their errand runner.
Now here's the thing. I LOVE doing favors for them and my boyfriend, I mean I've been doing it our entire relationship. But now it is to a point where I feel like complete crap. All they do is boss me around. Lets say they are all tired, and have to run an errand. If I'm JUST AS TIRED...I have to do it. Otherwise I get called selfish, bogus, etc. When I'm just as tired as they are?! It's not my errand to run.
Sometimes I find myself doing things just to avoid a fight later.
So I talked to my boyfriend about the fact I am constantly the one to do things. He is a little lazy, and I'm okay with that. But I shouldn't be doing things to the extent I am. If he is closer to the t.v, I'M the one who has to get the remote. If it's snowing outside...and it's just as cold for the both of us I mean were both human beings..I'M the one to always take out the dog. It should be mutual. So yes ofcorse I started to stand up for myself. But they all see it as complaining. Especially my boyfriend. When they complain just as much, yet I'm stuck doing the things. I have tried every way possible to stand up for myself in a way that they won't get mad at or see as complaining.
Today I asked my boyfriend if there is anything we(WE) should work on or that he wants to talk about. He told me how he is sick and tired of me constantly "rubbing it in his face how much I help him out" that he doesn't even want to ask me for favors anymore because of that.
My offering....turned into him ordering...when he would never even do all this stuff for me if the tables were turned. Not because he doesn't care...but because he is lazy and will complain.
I do a lot for them...and the very few times I say no or I'd rather not, can they please do it...I'm suddenly viewed as a villain. And this keeps on going and going. No one seems to care. Especially him. So yes I started to point out every time he manipulated me into doing these things so he could see this is what I'm talking about (examples).
And once he finally told me he is sick and tired of me pointing it out. I explained to him why I did it. To get the message across to him. He said he has always gotten the message.
How the conversation ended was I had agreed not to do it anymore, so he wouldn't view me as an annoying girlfriend. And then he was satisfied. He did nothing on his part to stop what is initially causing all this. I felt defeated. It seems I am always the one to change something...to please him or to make it easier on him...he never is willing to change something as well...or feel the need to.
So I stood up for myself, and he listened to what I had to say without complaining for once. And he just listened. He didn't say or make it a point to let me know he is going to try and change that. Because he's not going to. How is that fair? I have to change something....yet he doesn't?
He is so dominant over me I can't take it anymore.
When I take the blows and constant favors hes asking for, he gets mad I don't do it with a smile, and if I stand up for myself....he also gets mad.
While he is at work, he asks me almost every day now to bring him food. It is not my fault, he forgot to pack a lunch. Yet I have to bust my butt trying to get him food. He has a working car, and a lunch break, he can more easily than me, go get lunch and bring it back. I used to love doing it for him now and then. But now he gets mad (rolls his eyes, views me as a complainer) when I don't. I could be in the middle of a workout at the gym, at my grandma's house spending some time, running my own errands, in the middle of a test for school online. But it doesn't seem to matter. He needs food asap. (Might I add, his work is right next to at least 5 food places including a grocery store, within walking distance) He doesn't seem to understand I don't have a car to get the food to him. If I drive it it will surely die very fast, (it was in a wreck and is pretty banged up), but he doesn't care. He wants me to drive to his work...pick up money...drive somewhere to get food....drive it back to his work...then drive back home. I should offer like I used to...not be pressured into doing things when I don't have the money or ability too. And to get treated like shit for not doing it? It feels awful.
His sister, has a baby. She is a teen mom. I understand she needs help, but things have been rediculous. Yesterday, she told one of us (my boyfriend or I) to drive her to Jewel (within walking distance) to get baby milk because her baby was out. I had plans that day. Yet I found myself running around for hours for her and my boyfriend. -making things harder on me, just so it is easier on them-
She should have been more responsible, she knew she was running out of formula and baby water. My boyfriend and I both let her know it is not our fault and she can't inconvenience us on a busy day like it was. He complained, and told her, just as much as I did. Yet he told ME to go take her. Normally this is okay...but when he views me as a complainer and bogus for saying no I am busy at first...he doesnt see that he is in the same situation. I could just as easily tell him what he is telling me. But he doesn't care as long as he isnt the one who has to do it.
I feel manipulated into doing things because if I don't he gets so mad and holds it over me. I feel judged, taunted, and manipulated into doing things.
I used to feel every time I tried to express how I feel it gets shut down. That has gotten better. Yet the outcome is still the same. Nothing changes. When it comes to something HE wants to express...I better change how I act towards what ever it is he is bringing up or I will be viewed in a way I don't want too. Only his opinion matters, not mine.
Now when I use the word mad....I mean angry. Like rolling his eyes angry, and constantly saying "ohh myy goodd J" like I'm such a hassle.
I have tried everything, doing everything with a smile and being miserable....doing most things, and say no I'm sorry to very few...Standing up for myself.....pointing out the situation....trying to talk about it and fix it.. Nothing has worked.
Will this all blow over? It has been months now and it seems to get progressively worse.
I understand they need help. And I love helping them. But once they started treated me like crap for the very few times I said no, thats when this entire thing became a "thing". Because they didn't like me pointing out how they manipulate me into doing things.
Yes, I will from now on do things with a smile. There is no changing how what my boyfriend says goes. He basically said I am the one who has to change in this situation. I understand theres no changing his dominance, for now.
But I need help into getting him to stop. I think he sees how he is treating me unfairly. But he doesnt see it really takes a toll on a person.
He makes me feel I have to be perfect for him...but im not a robot. I cant be in two places at once.
His family and him dont seem to understand I have a life too, a planned day too, that they too often ruin, to where im just doing there errands, and have to cancel my plans/appointments.
How can I get him to see this is a relationship. Two people have to work at it. When he wants something...has a problem with something. IT MATTERS.
But when its me who wants something, has a problem with something, its dismissed. Im viewed as annoying.