Troubles with boyfriends daughters mom

Jenna - posted on 04/12/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I've dated my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and we have a beautiful 6 month old baby boy and he has a 4 year old daughter. His daughters mom has never been my favorite person in the entire world and I never understood how they couldn't of been together when my boyfriend and I got together until I got to know her a little more. She grew up in a very nice neighborhood and had a very high financial life. I've never really talked to her because I thought there should be a line there.
His daughter who is 4, I love her as my own. I do everything a mom does with and for her. We get her Thursday-Monday morning and the mom gets her Monday-Thursday morning. When I had my son, the moms attitude changes towards my boyfriend and acted as if she were better or something? Every time we sent the daughter home to her, on instagram it would always show her going out to the bars and what not. Not to mention she brought a random guy around her without consulting my boyfriend. I don't know but I feel like that's out of line? Anyway, afterwards his daughter would tell me how she's always at her grandmas not her moms. So I took it upon my self to talk to the mom, not being any sort of rude, I said she needed to talk to my boyfriend because things we hear and see aren't the best and Her daughter was an awesome kid. She proceeded to basically tell me to mind my business and that her daughter came from a broken home and that she was her mother not me and I didn't know what was best. Then comes tuition for her schooling. The deal was 50/50. One month we decided to pay forward and we ended up paying a full month because she didnt tell us she didn't pay. And now she won't pay march or April. She also makes way more money then my boyfriend and I combined. I just feel so frustrated because of my distaste for her! Please give me advice how to deal

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Ev - posted on 04/12/2013

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I agree with Shawn and she said it all. You can not go in and give your 10 cents on the whole situation because there are a lot of things other than what she said you do not know. You only know what he has told you about this ex. You do not know her side of things either. Just remember that you telling her about things or trying to talk to her is not your place. From what you said, things escalated out of control. I am the bio mom and I did not like my kids' step moms telling me how to do things when it was none of her business or to tell me how the visitation was supposed to go...that was between me and dad.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/12/2013

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Ok, first of all, you are never OK to approach your partner's ex about anything regarding the care of their child! Of course she got offended, of course she got pissed off!.

Your son is younger, so you don't realize...4 year old kids don't always know that what they are telling you isn't the whole story. Her daughter told you that she spends most of her time at Grandma's...but to a 4 yo, Grandma's is the COOLEST place on earth, and of course you spend most of your time there! See? You don't KNOW that what the child told you was the whole story. She's not lying to you, but she's telling a story the way that she sees it. That is most likely why her mother was pissed off at you...(not to mention the fact that you're with her ex, and that's enough to make any woman bitter, whether they wanted to be in the relationship or not...I am the second wife in my husband's life)

If you have a concern about the treatment the child is receiving at her mother's home, or the conditions at her mother's home, you have a couple of options.

The easiest (and least problematic in the long run) is to express your concerns to your boyfriend, and let him handle his ex. It's his relationship, and his daughter. (Another thing that could be sticking in her craw is you are his girlfriend, not his wife. You may have a kid with him, but so does she. That doesn't make EITHER of you better than the other, but you not being married to him puts you one step further back in the dynamic)

Second option is that you, yourself, anonymously call CPS and request a welfare check on the child. Knowing that, if you do so, she's going to immediately point the finger at you (the devil woman, the bitch who dared to confront her...blah blah blah***her point of view) and proceed to make your life more miserable than you perceive it to be now.

Same thing with the tuition. It's not your place to fight that fight. If your boyfriend wants to pay the full tuition for his daughter, that's up to him. If it bothers him, then he needs to be the one to speak to her about it. You just need to stay out of it.

Express your concerns to your boyfriend. Let him address them. You be civil, polite, and respectful of her at all times. Do not interact with her more than absolutely necessary, and when it is necessary, again, polite, civil, and respectful. In the long run, you'll feel better by keeping communication on an adult level, and the kids will see that all of the adults in the situation can at least "play nicely" and work together. Just don't YOU be the one to tell her anything, because it will ALWAYS turn into a confrontation.

Trust me! Been there! And all I did was tell the ex "I understand that you were both very young at the time, but my husband would like to have a relationship with his daughter"...which brought down the roof! How I was not her mother, I would NEVER BE her mother...etc, and I'd never EVER said I wanted to be the kid's mom! I wanted her to be in her dad's life, and know that she had two loving parents, not just the bitch who gave birth to her...So, yep, just step back and let HIM handle her.

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Ev - posted on 04/12/2013

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Jenna--THat is your opinion as well but its not a girlfriend's place to talk to the mom about troubles where the child is concerned. It is up to the dad and it goes the same if there is a boyfriend in the picture with the mom. We as parents do not like to be told how to do things where our kids are concerned. Step moms are one thing. Girlfriends are another and I am not saying you are not there for the long haul or anything but legally speaking the mother can have it put into the custody that you can not do anything with her child. Its the parent's choice.

I mean its okay to say you noticed something, or the kid is sick or whatever. But major choices and so on are up to the parents. You can not sign for the kids on anything at this point nor can you give permission for things either. Also you can not take a kid not yours to the doctor unless the parents give permission or its an utter emergency.

My kids were exposed to so many girlfriends before their dad decided on the first step mom. SHe did not have much to do with me because she did not try. She also did not have much to do with my kids. Their current and second step mom had been in the picture for a while and has tried to tell us how to run visitation for my kids, acted like she knew my kids well enough to be interviewed for my son's testing for developmental delays (I never got told when the appointment was, and was told after it happened so most of the information that they got was not correct), tried to tell me she could home school my kids when legally in my state she can't as a step parent, and other things. There are so many things that step moms can't do legally let alone a GF.

Jenna - posted on 04/12/2013

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If a child is going to be in my home and I am taking care of this child I will put my two cents in on what goes on especially if the child's mother is a disrespectful human being. That's completely fine or you guys to have your opinions but at the same time, this isn't everything that has been going on. I am an awesome mom and step mom to their little girl and she doesn't respect that and doesn't care and that was the point I was trying to make about the situation.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/12/2013

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I had one super step mom, and one bitch. One awesome step dad too.

I always looked at my first stepmom with a lot of respect. I mean, she had to put up with a little bitch (me) being absolutely horrible to her for about 7 years before I married, and my hubby pointed it out to me.

This woman was awesome! She was a lot younger than my mom, but that only meant that she could help me easier with my schoolwork. She was patient, she was loving, she was trampled all over by my insensitive teenage self. After I married, and had my oldest, I asked her if she'd like to be called grandma, and she gave me a look that killed, and said, "I'm not old enough for that, but I'll let them call me Dee"...which was a nickname that she hated, but she liked the idea of the kids having a "special" name.

I miss her being in my dad's life! I'm still in touch with her, but it's not as frequent now...

Ev - posted on 04/12/2013

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You are welcome, Shawnn. My kids did not have good step moms either time and they still have the second one. All I ever hoped for was someone who would care enough for my two in a way like she cared for her own. And even after while, he would not take the time to spend with them alone. They asked for it but never got it. He told them that it had to be the whole (blended) family. I never dated or remarried, so they got all of me to themselves. I know there are good steps out there...its just the chance of them coming into your family.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/12/2013

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Thank you, Evelyn! I wish you were my hubby's ex...we could have communicated! LOL

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