Trying to decide if I should find out who my real father is.

Nicole - posted on 06/10/2015 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I'm 24 years old, married, and have 2 kids of my own (4 and 8 months). I've had a rocky relationship, with the man I've called my father my entire life, ever since high school. Recently he felt the need to blow up and say horrible things to me; including that he's not my biological father. I didn't think anything of it, since he's said plenty of ridiculous things to me.
The next day I was at my mom's house, and decided to tell her this ridiculous "news". Her reaction wasn't anything I ever expected, and I've been having a tough time processing what she told me:
Apparently, some time during college (my parents were high school sweethearts until their divorce when I was 3), some events that were not discussed, led to my mother having a one time "fling" if you will, with my "father"s cousin. (From what I've gathered, it was a complicated situation. Okay, I'll take that.) I asked my mother if there was any chance that this other man could be my father, and she informed me, "yes, there is a good probability that he is.". Woah. I did NOT expect this.
So I've been stuck inside my head for a little over 24 hours, with so many thoughts, questions, concerns and feelings.
My mother informed me that she got in touch with this other man, and they talked about the situation. (me now knowing that he could potentially be my father). He asked for some time, and some space, so that he can figure out what the next step will/could be. There is a chance he will ask me to stay away, and not pursue any DNA testing.
I have known this man my entire life as my "Uncle ******". He is married to his high school sweetheart, and they have two adopted children. They are perfectly content in their lives, and I have no idea what to do at this point.
I'm a grown women with PLENTY of "baggage", and I keep thinking, "who would want me coming into their life as their DAUGHTER after 24 years?!". I don't even know if I want to find out. So many things to consider, and I'm making myself sick thinking about it, since I can't talk to anybody I know about it, I would love some input. My world is a little shaken.

Thank you in advance for any kind and encouraging words you may have =)
-N

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/11/2015

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If nothing else, you should have medical history from this person if he is, in fact, your biological father.

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Ev - posted on 06/11/2015

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Miss, I will agree with you to some extent on this but I had a valid question: Why not find out in case there are health issues in the family she would not ever know came from her bio father's side of the family? Its important to know at least where the health issue stands. I know too many people in my family that were either orphaned, lost both parents and raised by step parents, or for other reasons did not know their real parents at all and finding out about health issues back as far as even my grandparents is just not going to happen because my grandfather was the orphan, on my mom's side she and her siblings are questioning possible paternity for some of them...meaning there may be more than one father in the picture...and leaves the health issues wide open and unknown.

Raye - posted on 06/11/2015

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Miss, yep, lots of lying and/or omitting the truth. That's why when these other women (who have young ones that the bio father is out of the picture, and they want to play happy family with some other guy being called dad) are on the forum, I try to advise them to let the child know about their real dad. The excuse is always that they feel the child can't comprehend, but it's mostly just because the mother wants to take the easy way out or doesn't want to face reality. The child can understand, and it's better than springing something like this on them later... when they've been lied to their whole lives. I can't even imagine the hurt that Nicole is experiencing.

The father she had growing up is probably hurting also. If he knew or suspected that she was not his, it must have been hard for him to continue to be a parent to her... but he did try. And maybe he didn't do so well at it after she grew up and started making her own decisions, but that's hard on any parent. Maybe she should cut him some slack. it's a difficult situation all the way around, and I certainly don't envy her. I hope they all can find forgiveness in their hearts, trying to move forward and not dwelling too much on a past that is past. Their future is still ahead, and what they do with it will make all the difference.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/11/2015

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It sounds like a lot of lies and deceit have happened over the years. He may never have known or suspected.

Raye - posted on 06/11/2015

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Miss, how could the "uncle" not at least suspect? He knew he had sex with her mother. He knew that a baby was born 9 months later. The mother may have told him it wasn't his, or gave him that impression. He may even have been glad to ignorantly assume it wasn't his. But being in the family and the girl knowing him growing up, how could he not suspect that she could be his? Granted, we don't know all the details. So, I'm sure there's more to the story. But really...

Raye - posted on 06/11/2015

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The man you believed to be your father raised you as his own child. So, for all intents and purposes he was/is your father, and that counts for something. You have a history that can't be replaced by any newcomer, and so he should still have a special place in your heart. The potential biological father has apparently been okay with no knowing if you were his or not and letting some other guy raise you. You are still family, but maybe the relationship between you may not progress beyond him being your "uncle". That doesn't mean that you can't try to have a better relationship with him now that you both suspect he may actually be the real father. But don't go building him up to be something he may not be able to live up to, just because you're mad at the man you believed to be your father. You can't speculate that maybe he would have been a better father had he been there instead, because there's no way for you to know that. And now that you're an adult, there's really not much "fathering" left to do. So the other guy might just want to keep things the way they have been and not rock the boat with his established family. Could you really blame him for that?

Nicole - posted on 06/11/2015

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Those are the questions that I have been asking myself, over and over. It really is something else, lol! Thank you for your input =)

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/11/2015

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I am sorry that you are going through this. It wasn't fair for your parents to keep this huge piece of information from you. Or the potential bio father. As of now, I would want to know. You should every right to know who your bio parents are. Also, it could change a lot in your life. Not only yours, but your actual bio fathers life....for better or worse, i would think this information needs to come out.

What happens for you and the man who has raised you if you are not his kid? What happens to your relationship if you are? How do you deal with your "uncle" really being your father? THis is a big deal. I really wish you the best, and I hope you find solace in your discovery.

Ev - posted on 06/10/2015

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I would for now let the man have his space to think about things and so on. But I would not wait long. I would definitely want to know if I was in your shoes who my bio father was. There are so many reasons for this if not to be a part of his life and yours but for health reasons and maybe a few others that might become issue in life later on. But its a little late to be discreet about this. Its not your fault things happened as they did and you do have a right to know the answers to those queestions.

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