Trying to forgive and forget

Schyla - posted on 05/12/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )




this evening my sister (with no children of her own and a husband who sits at home all day and plays video games while she serves in the Navy) went off on me about things that happened years ago and some that aren't even true but yet she has held a grudge about for years. ALL related to how I care for and Parent my children and the life I have chosen to live. They were said in a hateful judgmental way and as I said most weren't even justifiable claims. (for instance she claims I have mold and mushrooms growing in my house and the house that had mold and mushrooms growing in it we moved out of 3 years ago for that exact reason) anyway I have three children one with SPD (sensory processing dysfunction) and one with some health related issues due to being born a little to early due to me having toxemia. I struggle every single day to provide for them but I make sure they have food to eat every day and clean cute clothes to where They get their medicines when they need them and they go see the doctor when they need to. I have a wonderful husband who works so hard to make sure our children have these things. I know I'm not a bad mother and I know I am doing everything my children need yet I'm really hurt by all of these things and the fact that she's held on to these things and refuses to see how hard life is for me. She insists she knows better how to parent my children and how to run my life when she see's me and my children maybe once a year. I now the adult thing to do here is just to let it go and get over it. So why can't I? why can't I just let it go nothing she said was even true.


View replies by

Tara - posted on 05/13/2011




I had a similar relationship with my sister, except that she has one child (who was taken away from her for neglect when she was 2 and given back only conditionally when she was 3), and in the end, my husband and I wound up cutting off contact with her almost entirely
She had been hurtful and cruel off and on to both me and our younger sister for most of our lives, from childhood on, the final straw for me was when she put my daughter and (then) 2nd unborn child at risk.
This is a very personal decision for you to make. This is your family, and your children, and how you raise them is no one else's business, except yours and your husband's. The only exception to this rule would be in a family where the children are abused, and your family very obviously does NOT fit that rule - from what you've described you are a very good parent and love your children dearly.
My husband and I made the choice to cut off contact with my sister because her behavior was not only harming me emotionally, but it was damaging to our children, and while I could put up with the hurt to me, I could not put up with the hurt to my children. We made a similar decision to limit contact with my husband's sisters after they publicly attacked choices we had made for our family (they even went so far to suggest CPS be called in because they didn't like the way I keep house) but it was a very personal and very hard decision in both cases.
It sounds as though you are hurting not only because of the hurtful things she has said, but also because she seems to have made NO effort to understand how difficult your choices have been for you or the struggle you have had to go through to follow through with those choices.
What I would suggest (and this is what I did before we made our decision to cut off most contact with both my sister and my husband's sisters) is write your sister a letter explaining why you were hurt by the things she said - address each point in turn and explain why it was hurtful and/or incorrect, and then give her an opportunity to explain/apologize. If seeing how you feel in black and white doesn't change her attitude towards you and your choices, and doesn't change how she is treating your family, then you will need to make a choice of whether to keep beating your head against that wall or limiting/cutting off contact in a way that works for you.

Valerie - posted on 05/12/2011




You have every right to be upset and feeling hurt. Someone that you clearly love and respect has just gone out of her way to place her judgement on you. So why can't you get over it, because if you are anything like me and probably most of the women out there, it's because you have a fear that she is right. Every parent fears that they are doing something wrong...not feeding them the right food, bottle vs breast, etc. We are creatures who rely on our families for support and look to them for answers when we don't always have them. We model ourselves after our parents, families, and those that we truly care about and respect. Your sister is obviously that person for you and my guess is that you were so taken off guard by her outburst that you didn't know how to react.
I recently had a similar experience with a friend telling me that I wasn't doing something "correct" with my child and that she thought there would be long term damage. She also has no kids, no boyfriend, and is not exactly the person I would ask for baby advice, but she is my best friend and has always been there for me.
My honest and professional advice, is to talk to your sister. Open and healthy communication is the only way to maintain relationships. You can't expect to get along with everyone all the time. There will be fights and then you talk about it and make up. Otherwise you will be the one giving it to your sister in a few weeks, months, years like she just did to you. Give yourself a little time to cool off, think about what she said, and then calmly tell her how you feel. Chances are is that since this was something building for her, she may have gotten a little out of control.
And remember that it isn't her job to raise your kids, it's yours. And at the end of the day, the decisions are yours, not hers. Only you know how hard or easy it is to raise your kids and deal with the stress of being a parent. Don't let her make you feel bad about yourself.
Hope this helps and good luck with everything!!

Schyla - posted on 05/12/2011




So I think I'm going to write her a letter and simply state I don't need to justify my choices to her. and I won't. I do not need hateful cruel people in my life and since I cannot tell her how to live her life and she chooses to be those things she's choosing not to be a part of my life. OR I will just keep quit and refuse to respond to any more of her hateful and crul words and instead of playing her game I will just make the decision to not have her be a part of my life any more. and the sad part is that doesn't even make me sad.

Blackwood - posted on 05/12/2011




First off, it's okay that you are feeling hurt. Someone you love has made you upset. Secondly don't take it too heart ( I know this sounds easier said then done) BUT your sister doesn't understand, she isn't in your shoes and has no idea what it is like to be a parent. She may think she has it all figured out, but of course people who are parents were all not parents at one time and I'm sure we all thought at one point "This is not what I thought it was gonna be", so there she is, on a different level then you with a different understanding of life and how it works. Next time she says something like this just simple state to her " I'm not sure why you are saying such mean statements to me, the only thing I can thing of, is you don't actually know what it is to be a parent to my children or to actually live me life, so I'm not going to let your words hurt me". Even parents can say and feel what they want, but no one is ever going to be a parent to YOUR child, so therefore they really just don't know.

Tina - posted on 05/12/2011




understandable when you've been unfairly judged especially by someone who doesn't have children. But one day she may see for herself that it's not that easy and she was wrong. Then again some sisters/siblings are just like that I don't know why. I know a couple of my own family members are like that. I'm guessing it's a jealousy thing, I don't know. You could tell you how you feel but it wont necessarily make things any better. Some people just wont admit when they're wrong.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms