TTC in a Sexless marriage! Growing resentful by the day

Liz - posted on 08/05/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hello,

I am kind of new to this, and when reading the responses, I thought it is better than other sites I have used to seek advice. Very very encouraging group of woman here. :)

I just turned 34 (no kids) and have been trying to conceive with my husband for the past couple of months. My husband holds me, compliments me, and cannot sleep unless I am in his arms. Romantic right? No, because in the bedroom I am feeling more like his teddy bear and less like a wife with "needs". When we were dating, we did it every other day. Then it changed to 2 times a week. Then it changed to one time a week. Then once every 8 or 9 days. Since staring to try to conceive a child, it has gone down to 2 times a month! He doesnt understand (or doesnt care) that this takes perfect timing, and his "baby we will do it tomorrow. Promise" cant cut it. So, I get it once a cycle. :( He tends to be a laid back guy (except if it involves his car), and often puts things on the back burner, but this is just not going to work. I've brought it up, but he just gets defensive. I've tried lingerie, couple toys, offered to maybe watch port together (did it in the past with a boyfriend and I loved it) He prides himself in being tall and muscular, but that means nothing to me if I cant derive pleasure from it. I suggested we take a month off from baby making, lessen the pressure (because I know he feels pressure). I read it would help. Well, it has been 9 days since we last had sex.

I am growing more and more resentful toward him, and it is even worse whenever his son is around. That only reminds me that if my plan A (conceiving a child) does not work, my husband will not take it as badly as I would, because he has a son already. I think that contributes to his laid back attitude. I care about my 16 yr old stepson. I do not want to feel that way. But I think my husband would care more if he also had no kids.

Question: How do I avoid growing resentful toward my stepson?

Question: I am tired of initiating sex and being turned away, so how am I going to get satisfaction?

Question: He is a little "done" with me reminding him how important it is to do it at the right time in order to conceive, only makes it worse... so how am I supposed to keep it in the front burner?

MAYBE YOU WILL FIND THIS FUNNY...
My husband is a detailer, and when asked how his cars come out so immaculate, he had this to say..."You have to treat the car as if it were your woman. You learn every inch, every curve...soft and move with each curve. You need to pay attention to detail, and take your time with your woman..work with the curves" He even modeled how to "move with the car". REALLY?? I wanted to throw something at him when I heard that. "You got those people thinking you're some kind of latin lover. How come I never get these moves? What about MY inches?!" PFF

Anyway, just looking for help,
Liz

8 Comments

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/07/2015

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Honestly, bringing a child into the mess wouldn't help a thing, and if you married with the sole intention of having a child...well, that wasn't a good reason.
If you want a child, and he doesn't, and there is no middle ground to be had, then you must do what you feel is best. If that is ending the relationship over that one detail, (although it doesn't sound like that ONE detail is the only problem here) then so be it.
If you truly just want to be a parent, then after you end the relationship, you can try going to a sperm bank for a donor. There won't be any paternal support, nor any paternal involvement, but you'll have a child.

Liz - posted on 08/07/2015

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Well, I guess the good news is that I am in no danger of becoming pregnant. i've decided to focus on myself first, next - marriage, and lastly (unless I'm pregnant), a child.

Sarah - posted on 08/07/2015

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You still need to resolve your issues first no matter what age you are. Bringing a baby into an unhealthy marriage is not good or right for that baby and 99% of the time the,marriage ends before the baby turns 1 yrs old.

Liz - posted on 08/06/2015

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The only thing to doing that is that he is already 40 and I am 34 and worried we may not have time on our side. :( It is a tough situation. If I lose this opportunity, I would be devastated. He does not see himself as 42 and starting a new family.

Sarah - posted on 08/06/2015

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Honestly it sounds like you two have too many issues right now to even think about having a child. You need to address those issues and get those resolved first. A child should not have to suffer due to the parents not resolving their issues first. My suggestion to you is to not focus on having kids instead focus on your marriage and what needs to happen to make it a healthy marriage.

Liz - posted on 08/06/2015

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10 years? Was the marriage 10 years, or where you hoping for a child for that long? How long was he cheating. I hope it was not the whole ten years. Did you end up with a child through that relationship?

Thank you. You know, I was feeling selfish and crazy for contemplating an end to this new marriage. If there was ever any doubt in his mind about having another child, it is further compounded by the fact that his 16 year old son has been very clear about not wanting a sibling. His child is very passive aggressive. If he gets upset with his dad, he will do what he knows will hurt his father most- ignoring him. He once went two months (including father's day) without answering calls or visiting. My husband was so scared he would get further upset that he didnt even try going to court, just cried every day. When dad told was setting up the conversation about us getting married, he said "I have something to tell you, and I want you to be a part of it" Son: "Oh no! Dont tell me she's pregnant!" He goes along with whatever the kid wants just to maintain contact until he's gone forever to college. IF HE IS LETTING A 16 YEAR OLD DECIDE WHETHER OR NOT I HAVE KIDS, THIS IS NOT THE PERSON FOR ME. I asked him if deep inside he does not want another kid, and he said he does. He even acted happy when he suspected I was pregnant at one point, but no real celebration.

Another reason I tend to agree and think he is not into it, is the fact that I have told him that his consistent pot smoking may reduce our chance of having a baby. He said absolutely not. He will not under any circumstances quit.

How (in your opinion) would I bring up the FACT that if no child comes from this relationship, I need to move on. I do not see my life without a child in the future. NO WAY.

I feel like a fool. I have had past boyfriends ask me to have a child with them and I said I would rather get my life in order first (marriage, master's degree). And now look where it got me.

How old are you? If you dont mind me asking., And how old were you when you had your latest child? And do you know older women (36 and up) who had a child with no complications?

I appreciate your feedback

~♥Little Miss - posted on 08/06/2015

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Well, maybe he doesn't want another baby? Maybe your baby fever and constant reminders are turning him off? Maybe tone it down a bit? Sit down and talk with him. Find out if this is REALLY what he wants. Perhaps he thought he wanted a baby before TTC, but now he has second thoughts.

Don't be resentful. That really isn't fair. Nor is it fair that he is not talking to you about it. People change. Talk to him.

Michelle - posted on 08/06/2015

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I am sorry your going through this. I think for one maybe it is some medical reason that he isn't wanting to have sex or it may be the fact that he doesn't want to hurt you by telling you he doesn't want another child. The resentment will get worse and consume you I went through that to find out my husband of ten years was cheating on me.You have to ask yourself what is best for yourself at this point. I don't know how long you been married or anything but you may have to decide on one or the other. Search your heart and soul and make the best choice for you. I just think he isn't being honest with about the whole thing it seems to me he really doesn't want another child. You may need to get some counseling to help you get through it. I would hate to see you regret 10 years down the road not having that child you so desperately wanted and end up hated him for it. I hope this helps good luck

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