Tug-o-war between dad and new girlfriend and me

Annette - posted on 10/24/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I'm in disbelief as to what my son's father has been telling our son. He bribes with false promises and forces him to go with this girl whom I do not know and has to drive my son's father around while with our son and her 2 kids. I have heard so many distasteful things about her as a mother and of course she has no shame doing the same to my son and his father who obviously doesn't respect what our son says to him. I'm sad for my son that an early age of 6 he sees that his father doesn't listen to his concerns. He has told his father he doesn't like the new friend but his father insists this is their family and our son quickly said she is not. Now my son's and I relationship is changing drastically. I have not taken a male around my son because my son still wants "us" his father and I to do things with him like we used but he also understands why his dad cannot go in our home because unfortunately my son witnessed his father drag me and beat me as well as insult me when he was 3 years old and vividly remembers that day and what his father did. My biggest regret now is not calling the police years ago about this but for fear of my son being taken from me. So much more to this but I'm lost now. I feel like my son is being pulled from me by bribes simply because I cannot afford to do things with him. I have a home and car payment, dad lives with mom and has no car. Yet always finds money (ehum) to buy a boat, go camping, lavish dinners, etc. and yet fought me on child support 3 times. At this point I don't even depend on that money.

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Jodi - posted on 10/25/2013

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OK, that makes more sense. I think you need to gather the evidence of what is happening to your son's school work, maybe have your son talk to the school counsellor, and then file in the court for a change to the orders. Clearly the three evenings a week is not working for your son. Maybe a better solution can be found, such as keeping the one evening a week plus a full day one day a weekend. While I am a strong believer that children need time with both parents, it also shouldn't jeopardise their wellbeing. If you have evidence of this, a judge would consider it.

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Annette - posted on 10/25/2013

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thank you Jodi. Yes, I am gathering evidence. In the meantime my son knows what his father is doing and although its hard for him to see through him while he is with him, he sees my side when he is with me. He clearly compares his dads lifestyle to ours, from chores in the house to errands to reading and taking care of our car. He has told me numerous times how his father lives easily because his mom helps him, he doesn't have to pay rent, "my room is bigger than daddys and I have my own restroom" my son is very observant and again, all his father does is play with him there is no discipline and when he does my son is fearful of him because he is over 6 feet tall. He is scary when he is upset. this is traumatizing my son, at night we do pray and we do give our blessings its sad to see that this so called father has this title suddenly. thank you again.

Annette - posted on 10/25/2013

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Sorry Jodi, I know I'm rambling, but the court order before was 3.5 hours every other weekend and he was supposed to pick up our son from school at 3pm and have him till 5pm then drop him back off at my parents house, but he never picked him up from schhol and never did homework with him then. He would pick him up from my parents (mind u he leaves 2 minutes from them) when he felt like it and he would drop him back off by 5pm at my parents. There were days during the week that he wouldn't see him. At that time the order was 10% visitation on his end and never overnight stays. I would pick up my son from my parents by 5:30-5:45pm (my mom has always picked him up from school) make it home by 6:30pm, finish the daily assignments and actually start on some spelling words for the week, bathe read a book and in bed by 8:15pm. Now the order recently changed, he now has him 4-7pm 3 days a week (Tues-Thurs) every other weekend 10am-6pm, overnight stays are not allowed yet until he completes his drug and alcohol abuse classes and provides me with proof then he will get them. The judge ordered holidays be split when we never had a problem there. Since school started this year my son has been at 100% in his homework and in school assignments. But since this recent change he has dropped to 80% and is missing assignments. by 8:30pm he is tired, dark circles around his eyes started forming and he can no longer understand what he is doing. So we go to sleep, I cannot force him as it only affects his day at school the following day. I have tried different patterns to help my son with this and it's just a crying battle now for everything. At first I would rush home so we can have dinner because he wouldn't eat while at his fathers and if he did it was half of a frozen pizza pocket. I was going to be at midnight or 1am myself getting things ready for the next day, our lunch, iron our clothes get his snacks ready load up my car with things. I wash on the weekends and iron everything now so that took some ease off and I would put gas after work in a different place because I don't like to put gas at night or when its dark and he's asleep so now my gas is a little pricier in the area I'm in. I do my grocery shopping in the morning and whatever projects come up for the week I try to get them the materials needed on Monday since we don't have much time the other days. I've asked his father for help but he just looks at me and laughs.

Jodi - posted on 10/25/2013

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If his visits are only 2%, I am still not seeing the problem because these are only very occasional issues. You mentioned 3 hours on one evening a week? And you want your son's father to spend that doing homework? That actually isn't a fair request.

Annette - posted on 10/25/2013

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Hi Jodi... My issue is long and I wanted to keep it brief. So my son witnessed domestic violence at 3 years old. I kicked his father out of my house and he took me to court for visitation and custody, given his track record I got 90% custody and he got 10%. I expressed fear and his drunk habits t the judge and he did ot grant him overnights. In the last 2 years he has only decreased his own visits with our son to maybe 2%, fought me on child support which I just opened the case this last November. He has no shame in telling me he isn't going to help me and I'd rather he not help if he's going to feed our son with false promises and keep my son away from me. Recently he's been forcing our son around his new girlfriend which the distasteful comments are her being a drunk herself, leaves her kids for days at a time with her previous relationships while she goes out and parties and meets other guys then brings them to her place and her kids see her passed out in her room with a new guy there. that's suppose to be a role model for my child too? His father has no shame either and talks to my son as if that were his new mom. My sons father recently got a DUI and cannot drive my son but for months I fought with the police and told them he was driving that way and I couldnt do anything about it. Now I have to deal with this strange so called woman driving my son around which his father refuses to introduce me to her because of his pride to admit she's no good with her life or her kids. Mind you she is receiving assistance for everything, housing, food, clothes and transportation as well as medical benefits and also spends her money to get lipo, botox and she bribes her kids with games, and ipads and other fancy things. My son goes to a private school, her kids I can say are good kids but they are calm because they are stuck in the ipad or xbox, which my son has neither. Again the bribing of my son that they will do certain things on certain days only hurts my son because they dont do it. We now have a new court order in which it disrupted my son schoolwork tremendously. We are now going to bed at 10pm trying to finish homework because his father refuses to do work while he is with him for 3 hours during the week. I have to wait until 7pm for my son then have dinner so that he can nap on our way back home, bathe him, log-in online for his daily math assignments and log-in to record and do his spelling assignments. I mentioned all of these details and provided so much evidence to the judge on the fear for safety of my son while with his father but instead the judge forced him to see our son more time and now our son, is constantly tired, he has been sick for 2 weeks, he has lost 3 pounds in the last 3 weeks and he is grumpy that we have to use our weekend time to catch up on homework that he missed during the week. His father also tells him he doesn't have to answer to tell anyone what they did or where they went. Yet, when my son is throwing over something his father refuses to tell me what they ate. Now this past week, my son doesn't talk much to me, he gets angry and starts yelling and saying he doesn't want to talk to me. The minute we arrive at home of course I'm crying the whole way, he apologizes to me and says he understands why daddy says things to him. He doesn't want to go with his father at times and he kcicks and screams but his dad forces him anyway. When I see my son come back his eyes are still red and he cries running to me and hugs me. I know I missed a lot of detail but this is 6 years in the making. I don't care that his father moved on with his life because he did the second he left my house. Yet when he found out about me moving on he followed me, several times, he broke into my PO BOX but because I had no proof and there are no cameras in the post office the investigators couldn't review and wouldn't review the entrance cameras. I get crank calls and I have apps that pick up the blocked numbers. I have reported them to the police and since there is nothing threatening I can't do anything. So now his father has put it in my son's head that I cannot have a friend like daddy does because mothers are only supposed to be with one person. Again, I cannot afford to take my son to places his father has promised him, but i taught my son how to ride his bike without training wheels, I taught my son how master the tball and smack that ball without it and he loves it! We do go to museums and do other less expensive things but it's his fatherwho just adds to that and my son always tells me he wants me to take him not his dad. My son has a strong sense of bad and he has never been wrong since he was able to point. When he would see a certain person he would point at him and just cry until we left the room, it happened for several years withe this same person until he learned to talk and told us he was bad person, well ends up he was a bad person, I knew this persons history and I did everything I could to get away from him and this person was my son's fathers uncle. Until one day more truth came out about this man and that was the last time I've seen him. Again, there is so much more but I do want to say that I am threatened by my sons father in many ways. He has hidden money that he does not talk about and I have no proof of it either. So the bad occurences are because he has paid someone to taunt me.

Jodi - posted on 10/24/2013

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I'm trying to understand the issue here. Is it about dad doing fun things with him that cost money but he fights you on child support? Is it that you have "hearsay" about the girlfriend (you've mentioned nothing negative that she does, only that you have heard things from others)? Have you tried to arrange a meeting with her just to get to know her? Exactly WHAT has you son's father been telling your son??? How are you responding to your son's concerns? You didn't say. While I understand that you are upset, I am not seeing why any of this is a "problem". What advice are you after, exactly? If any. Maybe you are just venting. Which is fine.

Leela - posted on 10/24/2013

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Hi I understand how you feel. Focus on creating incredible memories with your son and moulding him into the man you want him to be. I'm a single mom as well. It doesn't have to be expensive. A trip to the park to play baseball together (I suck at it but my son seems to enjoy seeing me run), or an arcade game or movie. Talk to him a lot and let him vent. Most importantly pray with and for him. He needs you.

Stepheinie - posted on 10/24/2013

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I think you and your son need a break from him.go on vacation or visit family.

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