Twelve years old girl needing birth control?!?!?!?

Jennie - posted on 05/26/2014 ( 19 moms have responded )

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My twelve year old has recently talked and dated a boy that has been caught touching girls inapropriatly. She knows she isnt allowed to talk to him. She sent pictures to him..Thankfully nothing serious. But also talked about her period to him and talked about sex...She hid this from us and I found out because I do check her phone....Some of our friends recomended birth control, me and my husband are talking about it but I want some other input. Is twelve in a half to young for birth control? She has lost her phone for at least the summer. We have always been open with her and she has always came to us with questions or problems so why is she now hiding things from us I dont get it....

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Jodi - posted on 05/29/2014

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I just want to add that as a teacher, my 12 year old students often forget to bring their pens or books to school. How do you think she's going to remember to take her pill at the same time of day? Combat this issue through other avenues.

Guest - posted on 05/29/2014

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I understand your fears--I have a boy, but the thought of him getting a girl pregnant one day before he is finished college and well established in his career scares the crap out of me!

That said, the pill is not a good choice for your daughter. It is not very effective for teens anyway, and in children whose menstrual cycle is not yet regulated (this takes about a year, even if her periods are coming at the same time each month) effectiveness can drop below 80%. That means she still has a 1 in 5 chance of getting pregnant if she has sex, which are pretty high odds, but taking the pill will give her a false sense of security and she will be more likely to enter into a sexual relationship with less contemplation about the consequences.
Furthermore, during puberty, which she is in, the teenage brain takes on a temporary chemical change for development. During this time, the part of the brain that allows us to envision the consequences of future actions and actually make a good decision based on them is weakened. This is why so many teenagers think "Oh, it will never happen to me!" There is an actual physiological change that causes this!!

The majority of teens are NOT having sex younger and younger. In fact, if you look at statistics on the subject, we are seeing a hole open up with MOST teens waiting longer to have sex, but a small minority having sex much earlier than ever before. The indication is that if you can get the child to 15 years before having sex, she will likely not have sex until she is 17 or 18. Again, these are just statistics and not everyone conforms to them, but they are good for determining the odds and creating an overall picture of societal norms.

If you think your child is truly at risk for sexual behavior at this point, I would invest in counseling to get to the root of her poor self esteem and self respect issues. Talk to her about condoms instead. Buy some for your home and show her where she can get them, but keep them in a place where you have access to them as well so that you can monitor how often she is taking them without prying or going through her personal space.
At 12, you don't have to keep her under lock and key to ensure she doesn't have an opportunity to have sex. It should be difficult for her to make time to be with a boy in an unsupervised location for long enough to get intimate and have sex between school, homework, clubs, sports, music, and other extracurricular activities.

Guest - posted on 05/30/2014

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I can certainly see how the initial shock of finding those texts and pics could impact the tone of your original post.

Being curious about sex and actually being at risk for taking part in it are two very different things. Being curious about sex is actually very normal and healthy for a 12 year old girl. It is not an indicator of poor self esteem at all, but an indication that she has enough confidence to reach out for information on it in order to make an educated decision. This is your time to educate her so that she is getting good information, not gossip from her friends. The binder sounds like a really good idea.

That said, I agree with Jodi, don't be offended that we suggested low self esteem. You wold be amazed how many outwardly confident teens are engaging in dangerous activities like sex, drinking, and recreational drugs, because they feel that the world only loves them for their "shell" and they are seeking a more personal relationship. Teens feel a need to bond with other people, to feel needed--this is actually the reason a lot of teen girls want to have babies so young, because they imagine having someone around who needs them and loves them unconditionally. Of course as parents, we do love them unconditionally, but during the teen years, that can be hard for the teen to see because we are trying so hard to shape them into the people we know they want to be. We are stressing all the things we do for them, telling them what to do for themselves, and they get this idea that they are not contributing anything important to the family, or to society as a whole. That is one reason team sports can be so beneficial for teens--it is a place where they can plainly see that they are important and are making a valuable contribution. Anyway, all of that to say, do not take outward confidence at face value. Sometimes they keep their low self esteem hidden because they are ashamed of having it.

Ev - posted on 05/27/2014

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I have to agree with Jodi and MIchelle on all points. I have a grown daughter and nearly grown son. My problem is that this open communication you say you have with the daughter does not sound that open. You should be talking to her a lot about this like has been said. Also, you should be asking the doctor if she is too young for the pill. Do you not realize that the pill has a lot of side effects and it may not be recommended for younger than say 16 or so. You said she just started the cycles. I think that more emphasis needs to be on her school work, outside activities, and other things. It might help. Also get her into talk to someone about respect and self esteem.

Michelle - posted on 05/27/2014

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If she is wanting to have sex because of peer pressure then she does have low self esteem. If she had high self esteem she wouldn't be pressured into doing something she doesn't want to do.
Yes I do remember being a teenager and there were a couple that left school because they were pregnant but there was no way I was going to have sex because "everyone else is".

I feel the she is far too young for birth control.

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Jodi - posted on 05/30/2014

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Just remember, Jennie, we had to read between the lines. I read a parent considering putting a 12 year old on the pill and I don't believe it is the solution at all. Very few 12 year olds will "actually" have sex. From your latest description of your daughter, I highly doubt she's even close to it. Definitely keep that open communication, but putting a child on a hormonal contraceptive at 12 is never a good idea unless there are clear indicators that she is at risk.

You shouldn't be offended when people suggest it may be low self esteem. I just figure that if you were considering putting her on the pill you thought she would be having sex in the near future, and yes, if a girl is having sex at 12 or 13, or even 14, it is generally a self esteem issue. If you don't think that is the case here, then be confident that you have taught her well.

Milagros - posted on 05/29/2014

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I feel many times teens begin wonder and fantasize ,there watching tv or on line and there getting the misconception of it all because all we see today is its all abut sex and 'sex is whats in'! supposingly yea right thats what media today feeds the children of all nations today maybe you should teach her about the bad things about sex like STD and how some aftermaths of a good time could seem good but the after effects can last your lifetime it 12 1/2 shes a child no matter if she big or small please dont let no one corrupt her mind into thinking that shes ready and if you do give her birth control thenyou too are saying yes your ready have sex please think about that you could be causing a great damage tp your daughter hope everything works out bless you and your family

Jennie - posted on 05/29/2014

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WOW what a lot of good responses. I think though that my comment may of been misleading. She is courious about boys and sex I dont believe she interested in sex at this time now that I have spoken with her more. When I wrote that I had just found her texts and had to come to work so I didnt have a chance to speak with her yet. It really bothers me that people think she has low self esteem because I can assure you this isnt the case it is simply her being curious, and me not ready for my daughter to grow up. 6 months ago she though talking about sex was just gross. I have a very open relationship with all my children and have already spoken with them about stds and pregnancies and all the risks of having sex. I have been raising my 12 year old since she was 2 years old and my twin boy and firl since they where 3. I am 29 and me and my husband have adopted all three of them. Jodi my oldest wouldnt have a problem remembering to take a birth control because she has asthma and already takes 2 medications every morning as soon as she wakes up and has been doing that for years.
Im kind of in a hard spot because my husband thinks we should get her on birth control but Im not sold on that, that is why i am talking to other people to make the best desicion for her.
I found a websight called teenhealth.org that is really informative as well. I am in the proccess of making a binder with info in it for her to look over and also leaving some paper in it so if she wants to write down any questions she may have we can also communicate that way.
I am just trying to be proactive rather than reactive.

Leela - posted on 05/29/2014

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This must be a hard decision for you. You have to consider that your daughter is becoming a teenager and teens are naturally curious etc. I think you are making a big jump though - you caught her talking to a boy, she wasn't caught having sex with him. So to say let's get her on birth control just seems a bit much. Talk to your doctor first and get their opinion. 12 yr olds are now developing and it may not even be recommended by them. Another point to consider is, if you do put her on it, what message you are effectively giving. Is it now ok to have sex? You also have to somehow get to that stage where she understands the consequences of her actions. I have a 10 yr old boy and I've already told him about stds, pregnancy etc. Get her into teen support groups, church activities etc and keep her busy. Remember she's making that transition in life where her body and emotions are changing and she may not understand. She needs to know she can talk to you about anything. Hope things work out.

Gena - posted on 05/27/2014

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I agree with Evelyn aswell, and there is someithing else i want to point out to because i read/hear it alot.The pill didnt work,i fell pregnant or I only didnt take the pill once and i got pregnant. The pill wont keep your daughter safe,i know that not every birthcontrol is 100% safe,but using condoms would be a good idea also because of STDs. The thing that really shocks me,if i see 12 yr old boys and girls,they really are still kids and so young.They shouldnt be talking about when she has her period and about having sex.

Kirsten - posted on 05/27/2014

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Put her on it just incase, but tell her its to regulate periods and just because you put her on it does NOT mean she can have sex. Discuss all the bad things that can come from sex aswell, its just hormones..dont over worry just keep a close eye out.

Tanya - posted on 05/27/2014

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I just want to add in that you seem worried about getting pregnant and you're only talking about the pill...what about STD's... pill doesn't protect against that condoms and absence do.

If you feel that children are having sex at that age you should have the sex educational talk with her. Explain all the consequences that it can bring. I'm not saying to scare her but just remind her that sex comes with huge responsibilities and emotions.

However, you may laugh but I was still playing with dolls at that age, and I'm 30 (not that old...), my brothers were still playing video games (youngest is 18). I think you need to do more family activities with her and get her involved in dance, sports, etc. If she is having sex or doing drugs she is most likely board, not stimulated, low self esteem, has issues etc.

Usually confident children come from confident households... no one was able to peer pressure me into drugs, alcohol or sex...

Gena - posted on 05/27/2014

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I totaly agree with Jodi and Michelle..not to be rude but i am wondering where you come from, that children are having sex at such a young age.

Jodi - posted on 05/27/2014

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No one suggested you should keep her under lock and key forever. But she is 12 right now. It is totally feasible to keep her under lock and key and supervise her in the short term. If it is peer pressure, it is self esteem and self respect that is an issue. Address it from that angle. I never said you shouldn't put her on the pill, I said it wasn't the solution.

And honey, I am not naive. I am a high school teacher AND the parent of teenagers (and a grown daughter). Believe me, it is a minority that are having sex at this age. They are not having sex younger and younger in general. Maybe some kids are, but it isn't an average trend.

I think it is better to discuss with her at this point (sounds like you haven't actually had a real honest and open discussion) and look at an appointment with the school nurse and counsellor. Why have you not done this yet?

Just out of interest, how old were you when you had your daughter?

Jennie - posted on 05/27/2014

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There isnt any where she is going to be having sex. But I cant keep her under lock and key forever...I dont think asking what other parents are doing or what they think is inapropriate at all. I am simply asking because some of my friends mentioned it...By know means is this a result of poor supervision or parenting. Of course when I found them on her phone I talked to her we have or I though we had a very open communication line. Her self asteem is fine its peer pressure and she wants to fit in and do the things her friends are doing and I hate to tell you but in my community 12 year olds are having sex! We have alot of 14 year olds going into labor. You are very nieve to think children are not having sex younger and younger....Not only am I talking to friends I am also speaking with her Dr. and making an informed desicion. You think it is a better idea to not put her on the pill and one slip up could get her pregnant? I dont know what we are doing yet just asking opinions. I thank you for your opinion and I will take it into consideration.

Jodi - posted on 05/27/2014

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OK, where is she going to be unsupervised that it is even possible she would be having sex? I'm sorry, but it is inappropriate for you to consider birth control as the solution here. Children are NOT having sex younger and younger these days at all. It is a minority who do, and generally that is due to poor supervision or poor parenting.

When you found things on her phone, did you sit down and have a discussion with her? What did she have to say about it? Have you tried talking to her about self respect. Have her talk to a counsellor or the school nurse, they are usually great at promoting the issue of self esteem and respect. If your daughter is discussing having sex with a boy, it is generally because she lacks self esteem or self respect or both, so you need to work from this angle. Putting a 12 year old on the pill is not the solution.

Jennie - posted on 05/26/2014

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we are thinking that it only takes one time for her to get pregnant and we would like to have her protected. I hate to put her thru that type of dr. visit but im lost. She has had her period for 2 months now and not been to crampy and regular...They are to young to be talking about sex but now a days kids are getting pregnant at 13 and she is only 6 months away......

Amber - posted on 05/26/2014

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Best thing to do is get her some, it also helps regulate peirod's and cramping if hers is really bad, they are starting to have sex younger and younger :( might as well try to protect her and keep her safe any way you can..

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