Two Adult sons,Michael 46,David 42

Ruth - posted on 11/18/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I'm 70 years young,left their dad after 23 years of work and doing all the mom stuff,always doing whats expecded,just perfect mom and wife,what about my feelings and needs,met a man,a few years younger and left all 3 of them in 1993, Ex died in 2001,Sons still not over this! Mike married 4 kids,Triplets plus1,they don't know me,mike not spoken in 20 years, David talks on phone or text, won't come and see me,sick of this,shame and guilt,sick of being upset and so glad I found this website,I'm a good person,want feedback so I can let go and let God! I'm very sensitive,love my sons ,but I need to move on,stop the suffering inside,I need support Love Ruth

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Raye - posted on 11/18/2014

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Ruth,
My advice is to get counseling, and eventually maybe invite your sons to join you for a session either individually or together. You made decisions that hurt your family, and now you can't deal with the consequences. They probably aren't keeping you at a distance to be mean to you or to teach you a lesson. They probably just don't know how to trust you. You left, and they're afraid that if they let you back in their hearts that you might leave again (which is exactly what you say you want to do now). Trust has to be earned, and it takes a long time. You can't force people to forgive you, but you can forgive yourself and try to be a better person moving forward.

If you truly want relationships with your kids, then don't give up on them. You can't make up for what happened in the past. You have to let that go. Forgive yourself and forgive them. Be patient with them and let them know you want to be there for them.

If you're really done with them and want to move on without them, then accept that you made mistakes and things didn't turn out the way you'd hoped. You still need to forgive yourself. Then take it day by day living your life. If you feel you gave it everything you could to work things out with them, then you should have a clear conscience to move forward.

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