Two year old miserable and crying ALL the time!!!!!!!!!

Devan - posted on 04/23/2013 ( 13 moms have responded )

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What do we do!?!? No exaggeration here, my two year old step daughter cries the entire time she is with us. We have her half of the week and she is absolutely miserable. She will break down if you ask her to play, if my husband needs to leave the room she looses it, she freaks if you can't hold her, and of course forget about naps and sleep. She whispers things to herself like "daddy hold Starla," "or mommy's house, mommy's house" or "Starla calm down" most of the time while rocking back and fourth. She needs to touch my husband constantly, especially his face, and will cry "hi daddy" for minutes just repeating herself. She is telling her mother that I am mean to her. She is very anti social and doesn't like to spend time with other kids or her step sister - in fact she says my nine month old is mean too and will hit her and hurt her right in front of us. When she was here last week she had said she didn't want to see her dad any more. She isn't all too vocal and seems to be a little delayed with speech, but when she does manage to say things its directly to whatever point she makes. Her mother refuses to co parent with my husband and does everything Starla wants. I just don't know what to do. It is almost impossible to have her over because she cries, no exaggeration, for the entire time she is here - sometimes she will even scream. My 9 month old only seems to cry when she is over, and it is very stressful on all of us. Anyone experience anything like this?!

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2013

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The other thing that you need to keep in mind is she's 2!!!!!

Her daddy isn't living in her house anymore, and she's not sure why. To top it off, she's shunted to a different house with daddy, and there's someone new there, and another new baby...daddy may not wanna see his other baby...This is what's going through her mind!

She's 2. She doesn't understand all of the change, and all of the patient explanation in the world may not help, because, again, she's 2!

There are some behaviours that are not ok, such as hurting her 1/2 sister. I'm assuming you meant 1/2 sis, rather than step sis, from the age of the baby.

Of course she wants her daddy to be with her constantly, touch her, etc. Because she probably GOT that when her parents were together, and she misses it now.

One other question I have (from the step mom point of view): How much of this is your opinion, rather than what's happening? Not that i'm saying you're lying...that's not it! But, you say that mom won't co parent with dad, but maybe they are co parenting, (perhaps not WELL, mind you...) Maybe this is how they agreed to handle things.

The only thing that YOU can do is find patience. Find love for the child in your heart, and help her to see that her new situation isn't too bad, if she gives it a chance.

But again, remember, she's 2. A lot of hte behaviour you are describing (not social, etc) sometimes happens around that age. Especially if there's a new dynamic, which it sounds like there has been an upheaval within the last 12 to 18 months...

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Devan - posted on 04/23/2013

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Yes. Its a very difficult situation. We have ideas of parenting completely different. Her mother also is very into partying - i.e. Ecstasy and alcohol - and we live a very different life style - which is why we have her on the latter part of the week. So it would stand to reason why her mother is the way she is, but we're left with the brunt of everything which makes it hard for our family to succeed (in terms of the children's happiness of course.)

Devan - posted on 04/23/2013

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I know this because her mother said so in court. When we went to mediation her exact words were "it doesn't matter that she wants to try to do it her self, she's TOO young." It was in context to us saying that she sleeps alone at our house and we don't pick her up every time she cries.

Dove - posted on 04/23/2013

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How do you know what she does and does not want when she is in her mother's house? Unless you are a fly on the wall in there....

Your OP clearly states that she wants to be held all the time, says she wants to be at her Mom's house, and Mom does everything she wants..... Yet now Mom isn't allowing her to sleep alone even though she wants to?

I'm just trying to clarify because I'm getting confused.

Devan - posted on 04/23/2013

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& if you don't give your child the opportunity there is something wrong with it as well. My 9 month old and I are attached at the hip, but when she tries to do something on her own I allow her to. My 9 month old is more independent than my two year old step daughter.

Devan - posted on 04/23/2013

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There isn't anything wrong with it unless the child wants to do it and is being held back...

Dove - posted on 04/23/2013

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Well.... there is nothing in the world wrong with them co-sleeping and the mother soothing her child. Heck, I breastfed my son to sleep til he was 3. ;)

I'm sorry I don't really have anything helpful to suggest. If she is THAT upset being at your house maybe your husband can stick to some day time one on one visits with his daughter and save the longer visits for when she is a bit older?

Devan - posted on 04/23/2013

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And they're not co parenting. She will not speak to him unless it is through the child. They were both required to take a coparenting class in which I attended as well and this is not co parenting. My husband despises how his ex handles things and is going back to appeal their mediation.

Devan - posted on 04/23/2013

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Its not my opinion - it is what is happening. My father lives with us for the time being and witnesses it, as well as my mother a few times a week. She doesn't just do it alone with us. As for what she was used to with her mom and dad - she was not with them often, always at a sitter as they both worked hard. Her mother refuses to let her be independent which is part of the problem. According to her mom she is too young to know how to self soothe, too young to sleep alone etc. I've got plenty of patience being a mother my self, but this is beyond anything. I've been a child care provider for 8 years at two daycares and have never seen anything like this.

Dove - posted on 04/23/2013

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It sounds like this visitation schedule may not be in her best interest.... or something more is going on with her.

I'm not sure how to go about this if her mother isn't willing to co-parent though. Does your husband have joint legal custody? If so and talking to the mother doesn't work (try it first) he should set up a doctor's appointment to rule out any developmental issues going on.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2013

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Her parents need to have her evaluated by her physician for possible autism spectrum behaviours

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