ugh...boyfriend's 13 year old daughter hates me.

Vera - posted on 10/13/2014 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I feel so hopeless. I love my boyfriend, he has a 13 year old that hates me and wishes i was dead. We live together and he has her part time. She pretends that I don't exist. She does not talk to me, she walks right past me without looking at me. She says I am gross and that her father is heartless. We have both tried very hard to reach out to her. She is very angry at everyone in her life. Her father has tried many times to talk with her and she is hateful to him. I am at my wits end. Her birthday just passed and I went out of my way to make her celebration picture perfect, she never said thank you..in fact she never said a word. It is so painful to sit down and have a meal. We have tried and tried to no avail. She now wishes I would die and this feels so horrible for me. Her mother who has never met me but says horrible things about me has her half of the time, she is threatening to go live with her mother IF she can't get what she wants...but nobody knows what that is?
My own kids are grown and gone...I do love children, I was looking forward to having fun with his daughter. but at this point i just don't know what to do ? the ONLY time she talks with her dad is if she wants something...I have really gone overboard to be kind to this child...she just hates me so much. I've never been hated so much. I am worried because she is a very large child and she watches violent television where people stab people...vampire diaries..very violent. ANY help would be nice. I do not discipline her in any way...I leave her alone. I have tried reaching out to her without her dad...and he has tried reaching out to her alone...but nothing. I am worried about her level of anger i've never seen anyone so furious. her mother left her father she was having affairs and no longer wanted to be married. The father is the nicest man. I just don't get it.

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Michelle - posted on 10/14/2014

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Don't be sorry about my breakup, I have since met and married a wonderful man and have left all those dramas behind.
Unfortunately, unless the child gets help she will continue that way she is. She needs to learn how to deal with her emotions. With what her Mother is doing I don't see things working out in the near future though.
All you can do is make sure you keep the communication open between you and your boyfriend. Talk to each other about your feeling about what is going on. You need to keep your relationship strong if you are going to get through this. Hopefully his daughter will realize soon that she can't treat people that way if she wants support from them. He also needs to be strong with her and not fall for her manipulation.

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Vera - posted on 10/13/2014

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thank you michelle for responding....this was a really hard post for me to share... i have been living here for five months....her parents split up two years ago but had to live in the same home for financial reasons..the thing that i can't understand is that the daughter SAW her mother treating the father like dirt and then walking out on everyone..she calls her own mother a slut....they officially moved out december of last year of the family home into a condo....it is not the first time that i have had a relationship with a man who has kids...but it is the first time that anyone has been so vicious and hateful and frankly i just am stunned. The mother is in for a rude surprise because her angelic daughter is planning to move in with her to live alone with her...in order to properly punish her father...so her mother's plotting against me by poisoning her daughter is going to backfire on her promiscuous lifestyle...of course then i will be blamed by the mother for 'doing something' to the daughter..my boyfriend is a very supportive guy...he has talked with his daughter so many times to no avail....She could have a lot of pent up emotions..you are right
I'm sure she ate up every single word that her mother said...her mother has a borderline personality disorder and she is bipolar with a drinking problem. i tried to introduce myself to her mother but she called me a dog to my face...so i relented trying to waste my time there....i see her mother as a very unhappy lady with a lot of emotional needs...why else would anyone take their 13 year old into confidence regarding a perfect stranger(ME) it serves no purpose other than to talk crap for the sake of doing so

her mother insisted that they break up...said that my boyfriend is the root cause of her unhappiness...i am 48 years old and i realize that they ONLY person who can make you unhappy is you.
No the daughter is not in counseling because the mother is against it. sad huh?

i am sorry to hear about your situation...because it sounds like you have 'been there' i would just die if my kids were hearing bad things about me..it must ahve hurt you a lot...i am so sorry to hear about your break up too...i try talking about the strain that this unhappy daughter sometimes causes between me and my boyfriend...he really is so nice...i just cannot understand WHAT their mother was looking for that she could not find at home? my boyfriend tells me that his ex wife said she needed MORE excitement in her life and that he was dull...well, i love his dullness...we BBQ, we do yardwork together...we snuggle and watch movies and sports and i truly like this man...i ask him IF maybe his ex wife is regretting things..but he lets me read her communications with him and she is still CAUSTIC and hateful towards him...tells his kids that he is a reject that doesn't make enough money....i would not change one iota about him...he is a find. the mother is not dating per se...she is posting naked pics of herself on dating sites...i really think that she is having some kind of crisis? it is sad for the daughter because we have a sweet home together....we are building something really special. i just wish i knew what to make of this really angry lashing out by the daughter?

thank you again michelle

Michelle - posted on 10/13/2014

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How long have you been around? How old was she when her parents split?
If her Mother is saying nasty thing about you then that's where it's mainly coming from. I have been with someone who's daughter was hearing nasty things about me from her Mother and she got very nasty to myself and my children. It horrible but there's nothing you can say that will change her mind, she will listen to her Mother over you.
Is she in counseling? She could have a lot of pent up emotions over her parents splitting up and you are the easiest target. Also her Mother could still be upset over the breakup and that's why she doesn't have anything nice to say about you.
Sorry I can't tell you it will all work out, I left the person I was seeing (not just because of this issue).

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