Unbelievable experience

Wendy - posted on 04/05/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

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My son is almost 8 years old. His biological father never wanted him. He never showed up to his birth (lied and told his family that I told him not to come.) Despite this I let him be in my son's life. That's proven to be a mistake. He uses my son as a weapon against me. He's only been to his 1st and 2nd birthday. He would say he would pick him up and either showed late or more often he didn't show at all. He took me to court for visitation (which makes no sense) and then dropped the case. He currently pays $126.00 month for child support after catching up to arrears payments. He is now married, has had more kids and willfully ignores our son. Worse, he is applauded by his friends and family as a good father. Neither he not his family contacts my son. I refuse to force or beg him to take part in our son's life. I can't believe he's getting away with this. $126.00 won't take care of a kid and my son always cries and now says he "hates" his dad. What do I say to that?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lucitta - posted on 04/06/2015

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Raya.
Yes, I do see the distinction. However, I see a major difference as well. Your step childs mother wants to see her kids and desires spending time with them. In this situation she is entitled to what the court says she is, and she is very privileged that their father lets her spend additional time with them as well. In Wendy's situation, it is made fairly clear he has no interest in spending time with his son. I believe that if he has no interest in spending time with his son, Wendy should attempt to stop forcing the situation. I believe that being a parent, while technically is the right of both parties involved, is a privilege, and if a parent is not interested in it, he or she should not be force in to it. See the distinction?

Raye - posted on 04/06/2015

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Lucitta,
Your comment "I would stop trying, stop letting him be a part of your sons life. It is a privledge that he does not diserve." is not helpful. The father has a right to be in the child's life just by being the father. Period. It is not a privilege. In my step-kids situation, my husband gives his ex MORE time than the court awarded. Her right is only the basic time awarded. The privilege comes with the extra time he allows her to have. See the distinction?

Wendy,
It is not noble of you to "let him be in your son's life". It is his right. If you have not done so, you should go to court and have custody and visitation established. Then it would be up to each of you to do your part to stick to the schedule and he couldn't just make up whatever times he wanted to have visitation. No begging, no forcing. If he doesn't show up, then he loses his time. And all you have to do is just continue to focus on raising your son.

Wendy/All,
I am also concerned why the boy would hate his father if he doesn't really know the man. Leads one to think this mom is letting her anger get the better of her and her son sees/hears all the negativity from her.

Chana - posted on 04/06/2015

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You seem to be focused on the fact that $126.00 is not enough to take of a child. That is true and I don't think anyone will deny it but that is a lot more than some parents get. Like Michelle asked why does he hate his father? If he hasn't seen him he only knows what you have told him and like it or not you slept with the man so you must have at least liked him at some point. If you don't like him now that is fine but he is still the father of your son and you need to respect that. I don't know what kind of man he was but you should not bad mouth him in front of the son that you have together. My sister had 3 children to an abusive husband who almost killed her, twice. She finally got out of that relationship and never said a bad word about him in front of the children. They are now all adults and know exactly what happened but he is still their father and was never bad mouthed in front of them when they were children.

Lucitta - posted on 04/06/2015

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Personally, I would tell him that while hate is a very strong word, it could fit in a situation like this. Tell him it's okay for him to feel this way, due to the way he is treating your son and yourself.
As for him, I would stop trying, stop letting him be a part of your sons life. It is a privledge that he does not diserve.

Dove - posted on 04/05/2015

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My ex 'should' pay $210/month... we have 3 kids and he owes over $32,000... our youngest is 7 and has spent a grand total of about 3 months of his life w/ his father... there are times he doesn't like his dad, but there are also a LOT of times that he loves and misses his dad.

You tell your son that you are sorry he is upset and then you can try and gently change the subject. My son has expressed a LOT of different feelings about his father over the years. And yeah... I can't stand the man, but my son knows NOTHING of that and knows nothing of the money... at all.

If there is no court order in your situation... you really need to get one.

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River - posted on 04/08/2015

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Your child isn't even 8 yet. How can he hate his father if he doesn't know him? What does the child support have to do with anything? Child support and visitation are 2 different things.

Raye - posted on 04/07/2015

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Lucitta,
Whether my step-kids' mom WANTS to see the kids is up for debate. She cancels a lot. She missed her daughters birthday party. She is taking classes and is always doing homework or whatever so actually ignores the kids when they are with her. Sometimes she picks them up at bedtime and drops them off early to their grandmothers or at school. Sometimes she's still working, so has her boyfriend pick them up. Her time spent with them is not quality time. But she wants to make it LOOK like she's investing time and she wants them to have less time to develop a relationship with me. So, just because she asks for them doesn't mean that it's for the benefit of the kids, just her own selfish maneuverings. The youngest shows his disappointment all the time about having to go with her. He has flat out refused a few times. The oldest still seems to hold out some hope for her mom, but also keeps getting disappointed. It's heartbreaking.

My husband tries to give her the opportunity to spend time with the kids. That's all he can do. It's going to be her own fault that she doesn't have good relationships with them. Whereas, if a parent is actually keeping their child from the other parent, that is alienation, and they are not allowing their children to form their own opinions and relationship with both parents. I agree that she should not try to force him to be involved with their son, but your comment was to "stop letting him" be a part of the child's life. That is against his rights.

Lucitta - posted on 04/06/2015

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I don't know how to edit my comment, so I will just post another. I completely agree with Chana. I assumed the reason he hates his father is because he is fully aware of what's going on.
I would agree that talking poorly of his father in front of him though, is a very bad idea.
It sounds like I was in a almost identical situation as Chana's sister, and like her I won't talk poorly about my childrens father, even though they all know to some degree what happened. We just don't discuss him.

Michelle - posted on 04/06/2015

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I'm with Jodi and Evelyn, why does your son hate his Father if he hasn't been around? He would only know what you have told him.

Jodi - posted on 04/06/2015

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LOL, that's actually totally irrelevant, Ashley. I had a couple of questions for the OP, I wasn't making any accusations, so I'm not sure why you feel I should be quizzed by you. I was simply trying to clarify some points. See those words "I'm just asking"?

I am fully aware it is not an easy situation. I assure you, my ex probably had some extremely choice words about me this weekend while he had my son because I refuse to do a 3 hour trip on MY fuel to pick my son up at a moment's notice because he was being an ass, when I only get $30 a month in child support. It won't be the first time he has badmouthed me to my son, or he has been inconsistent.

So I assure you, I don't need your lecture about how hard it is. But after 15 years of dealing with it, I am practical enough to realise that there is very little I can do about it...none of this gives ME the right to prevent my ex from having visitation (my child can choose not to go if he wishes, he is old enough) or gives me the right to badmouth my ex to my child.

I am, I must admit, curious as to how the child support amount has anything to do with the child hating his father and how to talk to the child about that.

Ashley Nicole - posted on 04/06/2015

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Jodi, have you ever been in the situation of raising a child on your own and then having the father pop in out of no where acting like father of the year getting visitation then trying his best to turn the child again you? It's not an easy situation.

Ev - posted on 04/05/2015

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I have to wonder as well. It seems you are very upset with dad and do not care for him. That is very evident in your post. What is best for the child here? Dad had every right to take you to court for visitation even if he let it drop. This is his child too. You did not say if you had court ordered custody either. I think you need to revisit this and get all things set up from custody to child support.

Jodi - posted on 04/05/2015

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Can I please just clarify why your son says he hates his dad? After all, dad has no contact with his son, your son should know nothing about the $126 a month, is it because his dad spends no time with him? I'm just asking, because you seem awfully focused on this $126 a month, and I'm hoping you aren't making this an issue here......have you always allowed dad reasonable access?

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