Uncontrollable lying and now bad grades

Nichole - posted on 02/03/2009 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I have a 9 year old daughter that is seriously exhausting my nerves with her petty lying, and now she is bringing home an F in her science class, though repeatedly I have asked her to bring her book home every night. Let's see, what have I don't to twart her behavior ...you might ask....I have grounded her, I have taken away her music, her TV, her games, her sleep overs, her extra curricular activities, and taken away her phone....I have also promised and fully plan to follow through with removing any and all toys from her room until she brings her grades up...all in lieu of the whippin that I feel is desperately coming to a head. All of this has been done at the same time...any ideas here?

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Lindsay - posted on 02/03/2009

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What Carol said works very well with my 12 year old son too.  I have come to realize that he requires more work than some children, it took me a long time to realize that I have to step it up if I want him to.  What we have done is required him to get his agenda signed EVERY day by EVERY teacher.  We have commuincated with the teachers to let them know what signing the agenda means: behavior in class that day was acceptable and all work is turned in.  The consequence for not having it signed or having unacceptable remarks is that he loses privileges for just that night.  I beleive the reason this has been effective is because the punishment for slipping up isn't a week of grounding, its' one day and we start over in the morning.  I really feel that has been key.  Before when he was constantly in trouble and always grounded I think he would give up hope.  Since doing this he has gone from a D student to an A and B student.



Good luck, and know that you aren't alone :)

Lindsay - posted on 02/04/2009

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I would say yes, drop everything and start fresh, but sit her down and explain to her that you want her to be successful and that clearly what you have set up now isn't working and you are willing to try something new but she needs to be willing to put forth her effort too.  You might even start at a new grading period if you can hold out that long and that makes sense to do that.  I would also show her that you're serious by scheduling a meeting with her teacher(s) and include her.  We did that with my son, and our approach was more "we are all a team here working together, you are part of that team, and we are all successful when you are" , rather than "this is a punishment" kind of thing.  You know, that positive reinforcement kind of thing.  It took me a long time (12 years or so) to realize that he just requires a little bit more, not so much coddling or anything, because I DO NOT CODDLE, but just that constant presence. 



Honestly, I don't know what the consequence would be if at the end of the grading period grades were still down, because we haven't had that occur.  But I suppose it depends on what the root of the bad grades is.  For my son it was because he would lie about having homework and then not do it so he could go play and therefore would not turn it in and get an F.  You'll want to make sure your daughter isn't struggling with the work.  If she is having a hard time with the work obviously you would want to get her some extra help.



On the agenda thing, I didn't want it to be a lot of work for the teachers so I made sure in our meeting to tell them that it is my son's responsibility, all I needed was an initial from them.  They have all (he has 6 teachers in middle school) been very cooperative.



I beleive that given the right environment, all of our children can succeed.  Sometimes it takes a while for us to figure out what the right environment is. 

Tammy - posted on 02/03/2009

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Now, If I am understanding right she is failing in Science. Ok, I feel that you may want to give her one thing back that means something to her if she brings a paper home with a C or higher. It will give her an incentive to work forward. I hope this helps.

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Jess - posted on 02/14/2013

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I am in same boat! I have 3 boys (ages 11,9 and almost 4) and two girls (11 and 9). Our oldest son has been lying about the most silly things. Constantly. He has brought home terrible grades lately. I feel terrible but at the same time upset with his behavior because I expect so much more out of him. It's nice to see a forum with other parents having the same parenting issues.

LUCY - posted on 11/23/2010

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It sounds like you have a very sad little girl..I think children don't tell the truth because they feel they are missing out on something, most of the time its time with mum and dad. Its not the amount of time its the quality of that time, give her fifteen mins of your time every day and see what happens...get her to read to you or get her to help make a cake and have a chat. I'm not a great fan of taking things away from a child parents do it because they are angry and want a reaction from the child, In twenty years of child rearing I have never heard it working!

Melissa - posted on 02/03/2009

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Just one little tidbit. When I was in junior high I went through almost the same thing I has good grades in every class except science. I mean honor grade, but yet I kept failing science. My teacher at the time had a method of teaching that I just didn't respond to. ALL he ever did was write notes on the white board and then do experiments. I could never keep up with the note writing and when I did it was so unlegible that it was totally useless to me. (and I have good writing its just thats how fast he went). I failed that class all three years of junior high my highest grade was like a 53% one term and my other classes were all in the 80's or higher.



Well as it turned out because of my low grades in junior high I was forced to take the lowest form of science in highschool (whick was science 14 at the time I know things have changed drastically in the 10 years I have been out) Well my teacher was a much more involved teach and didn't judt write notes all class long and I passed that class with a 93% and never really had a problem with science after that.



Maybe your daughter doesn't relate to the techers style of teaching I would look into that.



I don't know if this helps but I thought I would judt put it out there.

Jennifer - posted on 02/03/2009

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In this situation My son's teacher and I decided to let him fail one term if he wasn't going to put forth an effort. It needed to mean something to him to not fail. I could want it but he needed to want to do well. It also worked for us to bribe. In real jobs we always work for something so why not now?

Nichole - posted on 02/03/2009

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Lindsay, just a question about your philosophy here. I like it, Let me give you a scenario and tell me what u do for it....As of right now she is grounded from everything...do u stop that and let her have her stuff back, and then work this plan going forward? And the other scenario is....at the end of the grading period comes still a bad grade...what wld the punishment me, if any at that point?

Nicole - posted on 02/03/2009

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if your daughter is only failing science????maybe thats the subject shes not good at???maybe shes lying because she knows you want something from her she cant give???maybe your expectations are too high...

Nichole - posted on 02/03/2009

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Lindsay, just a question about your philosophy here. I like it, Let me give you a scenario and tell me what u do for it....As of right now she is grounded from everything...do u stop that and let her have her stuff back, and then work this plan going forward? And the other scenario is....at the end of the grading period comes still a bad grade...what wld the punishment me, if any at that point?

Tammy - posted on 02/03/2009

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Direct communication with her teacher will help so much. Walk in with her even to class with her knowing you will be talking to her teacher. Second, go through her paperwork at school, pull everything out of her desk. Ask the teacher to inform you of any papers not being handed in. Even as much as seeing your teacher can email you her homework assignments will be for the week and tests. I tell you it will work. My son is a procrastinator, he hated doing homework he would lie. And, if this doesn't work, talk to the principle about switching classes. Sometimes the teacher makes a huge difference on their outlook on how the feel tword school.. sorry so long just wanted to help.

Carol - posted on 02/03/2009

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Nichole,



You are not alone in that boat.  I too, would recommend to stay in touch via email, phone calls, or the agenda/daily planner book in communicating with her teacher...and let her know that you are in contact with the teacher.  Also, something that I have done and still do, is make my child go back to school and get the assignment, or book.  Yes, it is inconvient, but then you know it is home and she knows that you will hold her accountable for bringing it home. 



One thing that I have learned recently, is to go ahead and take the priviledges away...but limit to the same thing everytime. For an example, my daughter knows that if three of her classes are not brought home daily, she losses the computer for the night...and we start over in the morning. After going back to school and getting the subjects and not having the computer for the night. She hardly ever forgets to bring the books home now...even when she doesn't have homework in them.



Good luck...it will be worth it in the long run.

Nichole - posted on 02/03/2009

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And, her other grades are not suffering at all, if not for Science she would be an honor roll student.

Nichole - posted on 02/03/2009

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I suppose that it is possible. Her brother is very low maintenance....he is an honor roll student and would rather die than to disappoint us, so he recieves praise in abundance. My Daughter however has always been rather contrary, and I thought the same thing, so I worked really hard for several weeks showering her with attention, doing more things with her, complimenting her, letting her know that she is doing a good job....but scholastically she isn't responding.

Jennifer - posted on 02/03/2009

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hey, let me just start by saying that I work in a group home with teen girls who are between the ages of 12 and 16 ..and I have a daughter who is 10 .... that being said , I totally hear where you are coming from and it seems like you have done exactly the right things ... Now you may have to have a better communication with the teacher as well , by calling the school, or setting up a meet & greet with the teacher , you can usually show your daughter that your on top of the situation and willing to help/ monitor as needed. Also, the lies have to stop , as you cant trust her to get her work done, then maybe an hour at the table with you specificly set aside for homework would help.

And If she cant get her work done as needed, Ive found that removing things and slowly giving back things as she show improvement will help, although its a pain in the butt for us as parents to enforce ! :(

But doing this now , will help when she is hitting the teen years ! then the fun really begins !

Good luck & I hope this helps :)

Denise - posted on 02/03/2009

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You sound so much like us with our son.  We have done those things to help him to move in the right direction.  If you can keep in direct communication with her science teacher by e-mail or phone, I would start there.  I had my son evaluated and tested for ADHD and he fit the catagory.  Maybe talk to your pediatrician.  I know it maybe hard to hear because I was in denial about his problems since the first grade.  I homeschooled him to not face the reality that he may have the deficit.  He is now 14 years of age and struggling in regular school setting.    So I hope this may help you and at least know that you are not alone.

Reagan - posted on 02/03/2009

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As a teacher, I feel that she may be lying to get attention. Does she feel like she does not get enough attention? Or, is she unhappy at school, perhaps?

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