Undecided in a verbally and sometimes abusive situation

DeeDee - posted on 06/13/2012 ( 333 moms have responded )

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Okay I have been with my husband for 9 years now. Married for 6. He has custody of his 12 year old and 10 year old boys and we have one child together. A boy whom is 5 years old. My husband has a anger issue. I didn't realize it as a major issue until the past two years. I do know that my husband has tourette syndrome, OCD, Seizures, and bi-polar. He never takes medicines for his conditions so in return, lashes out everyday all day. He has slapped me once, threatened me with a knife and a gun, hit me over the head with a 2 liter bottle of coke while I was holding onto our baby. He threw the phone at me one time because he was ranting about something and I yelled at him to stop (because the kids were sitting right there in the floor watching) and he threw the phone at me and hit my baby on the leg with it...I in return (and I am not proud of my behavior but was furious) threw it back at him and jumped in his face ready to fight because he hurt my child. My husband one time was going to whoop the 10 year old for talking back and when he picked him up to whoop him the child accidentally kicked him in the privates and in return my husband dropped the boy and he fell on his shoulder resulting in a broken collar bone. I carried him to the hospital and told them exactly what happened and I was for sure my husband would pay the price but no cops ever showed up. He is very very verbally abusive to the 10 year old. On a daily basis he puts him down and screams at him and yells at him. My step kids mother has mental issues and is constantly in a mental institution which is why my husband has custody of them. They look at me as their mom since I have basically raised them since they where 2 and 4 years old. Now he is starting to yell at my son whom is 5 years old. He hardly ever yells at the 12 year old.

This has been our life for the past 4 years but really bad the last 2 years. Everyday he comes home from work inspecting the house to see if I cleaned it well enough for him. He then starts on the kids yelling at the 10 year old. But here is the kicker in this situation...70% of the time he is nice. When I tried to leave one time he took my keys from me and begged me not to go and then went and locked himself in my car crying and begging me to stay and he would change. I gave him several chances. Still no change.

He is always saying he's the boss. I work so you do as I say. Just crazy stuff like that. Plus he orders the kids around like maids. It has really gotten to me so I started speaking out to him about the way he acts. And in return he will bring the kids into it and they agree with him because they don't want to get in to trouble. Basically when my husband acts crazy to one of the kids; to make it up to them he goes out and buys them toys, games, etc. And he believes everything is okay again.

My problem is this: I love my step kids like my own child. Leaving is hard because I know if I leave the 10 year old will endure more than he can take. The 10 year old is very close to me. His own mother tried to sell him for $10,000.00 once because she said he looks and acts just like my husband. The 12 year old mainly stays in his bedroom and I believe he would miss me bad too. But I have to protect my own flesh and blood. My son is a miracle baby. He wasn't suppose to be born and three miscarriages later when I had him I was in the hospital the whole time. I am very very protective of my son and I do not allow my husband to whoop him. Because I know my husband can get out of line. I will not leave my baby with his father.

I have family in two states, but I have no job and I am suffering from severe Fibromyalgia and arthritis. So I filed for disability and been turned down twice. Its in federal court now on a appeal. If I win my case I can afford to leave. If I loose again I don't know what to do. I am not afraid of my husband, because I will stand up to him if need be. I am afraid for my son and the 10 year old. I told my aunt what was going on and she told me that I could stay there BUT he will know I am there. Then all hell will break loose because he will blow her phone up and have his parents drive him there to take my son. And if that happens well I guess I would be in prison.

I could stay with my dad but He knows where he lives too and knows his number. He will aggravate him and my dad doesn't deserve that.

I have been saving money behind his back. He doesn't know I been doing that and if he ever finds out then he will be furious. I have 30 bucks now but it took me almost a month to save that without him knowing. Like if I go to the store and something is 9 dollars and I give them a 10. Then I will put that 1 dollar in my special place. If my husband wants his change back then I just give him all the pennies, nickles whatever that is in my wallet to satisfy him.

I have thought about going to a shelter, but here where I live when you go to a shelter you have to file a police report. If I do that then he will be arrested and the other two boys will be put in foster care which is were they do not want to go. I asked them already. Oh and last night the 10 year old was saying he had two aunt Cindy's and of course my husband told him he didn't and a argument started so my husband threw the remote to the tv at the 10 year old and hit him with it in the leg. Then told him he was so F***ing stupid and he was wrong. Just stupid crap like that sets him off. I personally don't get it.

Oh and this one time my mom (which I am not close too and he hates her) wanted to come and get my and my 5 year old and go to Florida for the weekend then bring me back so we could spend time together and try to salvage our mother daughter relationship. My husband got down right ugly about it and said if she showed up he was going to go off the deep end. He went outside and took his razor knife and waited on her. Of course she never showed as usual. But I got so mad. I told him if I ever get to leave by myself I would never come back. And then his mom called just at that time and I answered the phone. She asked me what was wrong because I was crying and I told her. She told him to come to her house. When he got there he tripped out and started yelling at her and she told him if he went over there (our house) and started acting a fool she would put him in jail herself because he was out of control. He stayed gone for hours. When he showed back up and saw my mom didn't come and get us then he was being sympathetic. I know it sounds stupid. But he was. He was hugging me and telling me he was sorry my mom didn't show and that he knew that she has been a bad part of my life for a long time and he apologized for her....It was so confusing but that is how he is. He just explodes for no reason.

Basically its a tough situation....all the way around it is tough. Sorry for it being so long but I did cut it down in size by a couple of years...lol. Any thoughts would be great.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Dove - posted on 06/13/2012

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The boys may not want to be in foster care, but it would be a million times better than this creep ending up killing one or both of them. Talk to a lawyer about your options as far as your step kids go. Maybe you could foster them or get visitations with them in foster care or something....



The next time he lays a hand on anyone call the police and/or CPS and get you and the kids OUT of there asap. This is no way of life for anyone. Your husband is sick and unless he gets on meds and gets them under control he will continue to be sick and could end up killing any one of you. He has a choice: get hospitalized and have his medical conditions put under control... or lose everyone.



PLEASE do this. I know the guilt of your step kids being in foster care is one reason holding you back, but ask yourself.... would they be better off in foster care or dead because with the way things are going that is a VERY real possibility.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/13/2012

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Ok, you take those boys, ALL of them and you go to a shelter. FILE the police report, and get your husband some help!

I don't know that they'd remove your stepsons to foster care, if you demonstrate that you are capable and able to care for them, and somewhat salvage what little family unit they do have.

NEVER say that "I can't do this" That is defeatist, and not helpful. There are shelters in every city, in every state in the US. You have options, even if you don't have ready cash. That's what those shelters are for!

You recognize that there's a problem. He has also recognized this and refuses to change, accept treatment, etc, so you only have one real option to protect your kids (step kids too)...and that is to get out and don't look back.

Best of luck in a tough situation. I pray that you'll find the strength you need to get yourself and your sons out of that house.

Krista - posted on 06/13/2012

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I'm with Shawnn -- anything is better than you and the kids staying in that house! That poor 10 year old needs to get out of there...he is being terrorized on a daily basis, and you are his only hope.

Grab them all, get out, go to a shelter, and call the cops. The shelter will help you deal with the police and with social services. They've seen this situation MANY a time. They will be on your side. You're not alone.

The National Domestic Abuse Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can help you find a shelter in your area. Even if you don't have enough money to get there, just go. I'm sure the shelter will cover the cab fare.

You did nothing to deserve this. The kids did nothing to deserve this. You cannot fix your husband, and he does not want to fix himself. The only thing you can control is whether or not you stay. And if you stay, you are forcing those helpless children to stay as well. They deserve better than that, and you're the only one who can save them.

Go. TODAY.

Amy - posted on 06/13/2012

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Contact these folks ASAP. http://www.thehotline.org/ They will help you get help. You need to get out before you or your children get killed. Call them - it might be safer. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

Krista - posted on 06/14/2012

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BE ON YOUR GUARD, DeeDee. Abusers seem to have an eerie sixth sense. They just KNOW when their victims have gotten to the point of being about to leave, and what do they do? They turn on the charm.

Do not be surprised if he comes home tonight with flowers, or does some other sweet thing to weaken your resolve. Do not fall for it. It is a lie. A man who truly loves you would NEVER threaten you like that. A NORMAL husband, if turned down for sex because his wife was in pain, would be sympathetic (maybe a little sexually frustrated, but sympathetic.) A normal husband would NEVER take a knife to his wife's throat. Ever. No matter what.

I wouldn't wait a week. The money's not worth it. If he finds out you're leaving, he will try to turn on the charm and change your mind. And if you DON'T change your mind, and he realizes you're really leaving? Your life will be in serious danger.

Don't wait a week. Just go to the shelter now. Please.

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Anita - posted on 05/31/2013

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you should talk to a lawyer. Just a consultation is usually free. What he is doing is abuse. The only way to stop him is either leave and get a restraining order or have him arrested. Talking to a lawyer may help with the questions you have about your step children. Ask if there is anyway to legally adopt them being that he is an unfit father himself.

You need to keep you healthy. don't let him drag you down. I am currently trying to leave an abusive relationship and everything I just told you, was told to me by someone before me in the same situation.

Donna - posted on 11/20/2012

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I could not even get through this i know it lived it...don't wait.. This isn't love and it isn't needed by anyone.... Get out. Get out. Get out. Get out.. start a life.. I promise that you will be less lonely if you were completely alone. It is exhausting trying to make someone else happy.. Don't wait another moment. Go to a shelter temporarily if you have to.. it wont be forever and you will meet other women in your situation.. instant support group. I speak from experience. You can pick yourself up and find a way. The only people who can find peace are peaceful people..When you are on the outside you can help the others.. remember when a plane is going down.. you have to put the oxygen mask on you before you can help ANYONE else. You have masive support here from strong women..Be strong claim your life back..Good luck darling let us know how you are doing xx

Jessica - posted on 11/15/2012

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I only read half of this, but I know what you should do. You need to take your child...divorce your husband and report him to SRS. In Vermont mother's automatically have full custody by default st the birth of the child. I do not know what state you are in. If you can not leave him, because you do not have enough money write back and I will tell you what to do. God bless you and those beautiful children. My heart cries.

Lorraine - posted on 11/08/2012

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A couple of weeks ago I saw a post from DeeDee to say she is now living with her father and son from this violent marriage. She was unable to persuade the boys from his previous marriage to come with her. The mother of those boys is alive but has health problems herself I believe from posts DeeDee has wrote. Hopefully DeeDee herself will be able to post another update soon but I remember she said that she has limited internet access now.

Andrea - posted on 11/08/2012

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First where is the mother of the older children? Second your life is quite frightening to what my children n i lived through... sadly as a result my two older boys have been living with their dad n harbor anger bc they have been repeatedly told by my ex n his significant other that i chose to do nothing n that i didn't care about the abuse or them.. the two younger children we have together were more of witnesses with some verbal /mental/emotional abuse the physical was aimed more at my older children n physical n sexual abuse towards myself... you need to leave by any and all means necessary.. you can file for guardianship of the older children n until the divorce is final they should be able to stay with you.. here is my contact information : aesargent@hotmail.com once you can email me i will give you my cell...at that time i can give you specific advice n avenues.. prayers hugs n love

User - posted on 11/05/2012

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If the mother is still alive and able to care for the boys it may be best that you see to it that the boys go back to her or someone in her family or you take the children by court order and leave for the safty of he children and you.

What you need to do is go to a lawyer or the judge that granted him to have th children and you take over, you are the STEP-MOTHER and if you help take care of the children you have the right to protect them, if you fell to protect you could go to prison for allowing abuse. So take this advice and make a move and seek legal advice on behalf of you and the children. There are many step parends spending life in prison for the death of their step-children.

Fairy - posted on 10/24/2012

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Honey, I have been in terrible relationships were they were abusive. You are the only one that can get yourself OUT. YES, you are on the right track. Find somewhere to move BUT FIRST legally adopt those 2 step sons tell your husband it's because you love them like your own. Once your are their LEGAL Mom you can take them with you. You do need help from someone because it will be hard to pull away by yourself with 3 kids. Slowly remove items from your home, clothes ect that you can leave with someone you trust. This way when you DO leave you don't have to actually take too much. Just GRAB and GO! Remember you can always replace a "thing" a "material" possession but you can't replace a LIFE! Yours or one of your children! BE STRONG, PRAY TO THE LORD TO GIVE YOU STRENGTH, KNOW YOU can DO THIS! It takes planning, that's all. YES, I DO BELIEVE YOU SHOULD LEAVE. He is ABUSIVE, VERBALLY, MENTALLY PHYSICALLY and he WILL HURT YOU & THOSE KIDS! He will start to BEAT them. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN! PLEASE LEAVE HIM FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN. He has a TON of problems and he won't take his medications. It would be different if he would. Maybe he would let you give them to him so he won't forget. If he says No, then leave. Breaking up is hard to do ...BUT having to bury a child is HARDER. DON'T STAY.

God Bless you and guide you and give you strength to do whats best for you AND YOUR CHILDREN. Lord help this wonderful woman and her babies. Amen.

Dawn - posted on 10/23/2012

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You said tourette syndrome, OCD, Seizures, and bi-polar. Your saying you don't understand why his mood changes and why he acts like he does. Really ?? Maybe you should read up on what type of person you married and may have passed on to your child. If he refuses to take meds then you just need to get the hell out ! Why you have stayed as long as you have, I get it. But his chances should all be over. He CONTROLS you ! Are you nuts ! Why live like that ! Take all the boys get to your dads or shelter or somewhere safe ! Call the police, have a restraining order against him and let court figure it all out for you. It will cost you 0,,,, a shelter is there for this reason ! They will help you and the boys. They don't want to put the boys in Foster care if your there for them.....JUST GET OUT !!!! Don't be soft and when he kisses your ass be tough !! He's gonna hurt a child or your self. Are you waiting to find out who it will be ???

Maggie - posted on 10/23/2012

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Foster care would be better than being abused all day every day. Being in a shelter would be better than living in fear. From your post it sounds like you know you need to leave. GET OUT before someone gets really hurt. The 10 year old is going to have a lot to work through after being singled out for his fathers abuse. Do what you need to do for yourself and the kids

Candace - posted on 10/23/2012

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I noticed this was posted in June. Are their any updates you can give us. I know some of us are super concerned for you & I tried to message you too without any luck. And..thank you Robin Thompson for your explanations, I was going to say the same, but got too concerned & emotional. I live in Texas & unsure where you (DeeDee) are located, but if it is possible for you to respond, we would love that. If nothing else to simply know if you & the children are OK. Many prayers.

Robin - posted on 10/23/2012

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Dee Dee the bio polar disorder and the tourette syndrome will cause some of these outburst with your husband. That is no excuse. But if you need help my email is rcarriwill@yahoo.com

Bi polar people have extreme mood swings. The tourette syndrome also causes these mood disorders. Rockford Illinois is a cheap place to live. a lot of single mothers live here. The housing is cheap. There are jobs in the next town. There are also domestic violence shelters all around the country. I think in Utah or New York City they actually find a housing for you and your kids. research it on the internet. In the meantime I am praying for you and the children.

Candace - posted on 10/23/2012

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I agree, take all 3 children, get into a shelter, file charges, move away to an unknown place, somewhere random, there is help. Most likely you could still end up with custody of his children simply for the fact that you took them for their protection. You need to protect ALL of the children & yourself. I would offer my home, but have no room, however finding a place here is cheap. I don't know you, but I have been in a similar situation & your story has touched me because for some reason I know you are not playing or being overdramatic. Your words are sincere & real. I want to help you in anyway I can. Sweetheart, email me please. Maybe we can figure something out. You have to get away & fast. I was almost killed by me ex, I couldn't get into a shelter until he actually had laid hands on me, so I do understand. Again, take those kids & run with any money you can get your hands on. my email is candahope@hotmail.com

[deleted account]

Leave and take the children. Call cps everyday until they re-act! Your responsibility is to all the children as their parent.

Rosey - posted on 10/23/2012

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GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE. HE WILL NOT CHANGE AND YOU DO NOT NEED HIM. RUN AWAY. FAST. NEVER LOOK BACK. THERE ARE SHELTERS AND AGENCIES TO HELP YOU. JUST GO. NO EXCUSES FOR HIM, JUST PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR DAUGHTER. ARE YOU WAITING FOR HIM TO BLOW YOU TWO AWAY? GET OUT. NOW!!!!

Courtney - posted on 10/22/2012

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Tomorrow, when he goes to work get the kids. All three of them. Go to CPS. They are there for you. YES, the older two are biologically his, but you can get custody since you are in their lives. And a shelter would be much better. My heart just aches. I was beaten and abused and saw my mother go through the exact same thing as a child. Please. Don't do this to you and your 3 sons....they are all yours, whether blood or not. Pick them up from school and run. You can do it.

Jackie - posted on 10/22/2012

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This is such a sad situation. It's always painful but more so when there are kids involved. The very next time he does this call the police and put him on file for domestic abuse.....find a pro bono lawyer to try and get custody of your step kids because of what you say about your husband I don't see any judge granting full custody to your husband.....also record him some kind if way, whether it be video or voice but be discrete about it......God Bless you....You and your family are in my prayers

[deleted account]

They really need to either close this thread or make sure that her updates are the first thing you see. Not what you see after reading, posting, THEN searching all the 16 pages just to find out that she's out and safe!

I'm very happy that she is out. I hope the other 2 boys are safe as well.

Good luck Dee Dee! Bless!

Sunny - posted on 10/22/2012

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U have any friends he.dint.know where rhwy are at mive beforw ir gwts worse i was in that situation and he almoat killed me i qas beaten gaspunf fir aie irs a miraclw im aluve i have a chils myxh better since left

[deleted account]

I can honestly say that I know where you are coming from. I've seen my fair share of abusive relationships. Fortunately, there were never any children involved. I don't know if it would help him act better if he was on medication for his "tourette syndrome, OCD, seizures, and bi-polar" disorders. The anger issues he'd need some sort of class. Maybe if he got the other things under control he would not be as stressed. It also depends on how he was raised. Was his father abusive towards his mother? Was he ever on medication? He sounds extremely controlling. It isn't unnatural for men like that to be "kind" and "sympathetic" when another person in your life lets you down, like your mom. It's all part of how they reel you back in and try to appear as if they are the hero or good guy in all of it. I'm not saying that he didn't genuinely care, however. I don't know his mind or heart. But he obviously needs to see a doctor/therapist for medication and to learn how to deal with anger in addition to acting appropriately towards his family, etc.

As for the children, they deserve better than that. I think it's admirable that you are there for them and love them. It sounds as though you are all they have. It's unfortunate that you don't have any income coming in so that maybe the courts would award you custody if he did go to jail. If your husband does not stop acting the way he does all 3 of the boys will grow up to be abusive towards women and their own children. I would seriously consider speaking to someone at a shelter if for no other reason than to see what options there are for protecting yourself and all 3 of the boys.

I guess it boils down to if you love him and want to help him get better or if you don't love him anymore and just want you and the kids out. Marriage is for better or worse BUT before anyone mistakes what I mean I am NOT saying to stay! I fully believe in divorce if a person is being abused. That isn't love! Men/women like that are not capable of loving anyone, in my experience. They don't really know how nor have they ever had it.

It's up to you if you believe he can be helped and is willing to be helped. I can't really tell from the way you described it if he ever considered getting meds and help. If he thinks that his behavior is perfectly acceptable then he's not able to be helped.

I'm sorry if I wasn't able to say anything helpful. I wish you luck on your disability case. Please stay safe, all of you and bless you all!

User - posted on 10/22/2012

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Is there any way your husband would let you adopt his sons? You could tell him it was so they would feel closer as a family. Once you have legal control, you can take any actions necessary without leaving his boys in a mess.



Actually, I'd suggest that once the adoption is finalized, you give him the option of taking his meds or going through a divorce. The whole family would benefit from counselling.



I'll keep you in my prayers.

Raquel - posted on 10/22/2012

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You so need to get out of there. Don't bother with taking your stuff, that can always be replaced, your kids can't and they only have one mother. If you have a family or friend where you can go to, go there. I would so get my kids ready for school in the morning just like any other day but end up leaving his sorry OCD arse. Go straight to the bank with the kids, open your own account if you don't have one and put all the cash in it. Then go to centrelink and tell them where to put your cash into from now on .... It's doable. None of us wanna hear bout some arsehole father that just committed murder suicide on the news next week. If he gets abusive, go to the cops and ask them to scort you to your house to get stuff if you have to.

Carri - posted on 10/22/2012

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Dee Dee. I know it is hard to leave this man. I know because I was also in a similar situation. I took my fiance to a psychologist and found out he had a his website summarizes some of the common features of descriptions of the behavior of sociopaths. this is what Lorin my fiance had. he was also narcistic disorder. Narcissistic personality disorder . I always thought I was wrong.

I tried to make it work but the violence seemed to get worse. Any problem in his life he would become violent. finally I got beat so bad I had bruises from my head to toes. I also had two black eyes. I also got a bite mark in my chin. My daughter was beaten also. she suffers from Ptsd. I think I also do. Lorin served only 6 months in jail. DCFS was involved. as well as the police. finally the dcfs told me if I did not break up with him I would lose my kids. finally I got him to visit his aunt in Texas. and I called him and told him never to come back. my son Mykel who is now 20 says when he comes to visit his daughter Chrissy. he will beat him up for all the abuse. so now when Lorin comes to visit he brings his phone and family. he is afraid my son will beat him up. see what a chicken he really is. but I do not want you to go through the hell me and my kids went through. just save your money and sneak and do it. get your family to help. put up an emergency plan if something bad happens. like have an escape plan for you and your kids. The ordeal with Lorin was about 7 years ago and lasted for 5 years. I know it is hard I had no job no money. I prayed a lot. I just went on faith. I went to the domestic violence shelter for help. then I filed a restraining order. then I got him out finally for good. but remember to keep any court records or police reports for later use. in case he wants custody. because that is what I am fighting now so i can get some child support.





Glibness and Superficial Charm



Manipulative and Conning

They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.



Grandiose Sense of Self

Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."



Pathological Lying

Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.



Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt

A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.



Shallow Emotions

When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.



Incapacity for Love



Need for Stimulation

Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.



Callousness/Lack of Empathy

Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.



Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature

Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.



Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency

Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.



Irresponsibility/Unreliability

Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts

Raquel - posted on 10/21/2012

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I stopped reading at "He never takes medicines for his conditions so in return, lashes out everyday all day"



I don't believe in being someones punching bag when there is help readily available to make life a little easier on everyone involved. If it were my husband (my husband suffers from depression so I'm talking bout things I've done myself) I would recommend he start taking something or take the door. Slam it off the hinges if he likes but leave till he can help himself.



Your kids safety is paramount. It's not a game and you should never leave it to chance. Take care of you and your kids. He's a grown man and there are things out there to help him take care of himself.



All the best.

Carri - posted on 10/20/2012

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I am went through a similar situation for about 5 years. I was engaged to my daughter's father. He acted similar to what you are going through. Lorin was his name was abusive. at first there was verbal abuse. but then the abuse got worse. I was trapped with no one to help me or any family support. I had no job or money. it was a hard situation. The violence will only get worse. I now battle him with seeing my 10 year old. he can only visit or call her. he is married now and tells his wife that the violence never happened. I am making it up. my advice is to pack up with your child and leave. try to save money and slowly pack your stuff. sneak it out then finally leave. I almost got killed along with my kids. we have suffered intensively. so try to be brave and get some help and leave him. These kind of men have mental illness. they are always mad. your husband wanted to hurt your mom possibly because she wanted to get you out of that relationship. Your husband sounds like a batterer and bipolar. it is about control. he wants to control you and the kids. but you and your kids are suffering. please get some help from a domestic violence agency. It could save you or your kids lives.

Wendy - posted on 10/19/2012

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Dear Dee,

I hear that it's a difficult situation for you. I hear that you're torn. It sounds like there are a few things happening here. It doesn't sound like knowing why he explodes would help - you don't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it. Call it whatever you want. I would invite you to see if there is a "safe" house in your town or nearby. Call some anonymous hotlines - there are domestic abuse hotlines. If your husband threatens you, don't engage. And don't think he's not serious. What has to happen for you to leave?

Your priority is staying safe and keeping the children safe even though you love this man.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Blessings,

Wendy

Brandy - posted on 10/17/2012

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DeeDee, I had a few minutes to look for an update from you and just saw your last post (I confess I may have missed others but I did not read through all 16 pages!) and I just have to say....



WOOOHOOO! Well done! Insert APPLAUSE here!! I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU!

And I'm thankful that you got to have your say before leaving. Whilst sneaking away in the night may have been easier, what you did had to have helped to boost your self-esteem, confidence & overall self-worth! Not to mention what it did for those kids! You may not know it now, but they KNOW you're NOT the bad guy! And if they don't, they'll figure it out in due time.



Standing up for yourself, doing what's right, planning ahead, asking for help - these are things you did that taught your children that they should do the same because you're all worth it!



I don't know what made you get a copy of the car keys but again - smart!! Wall plug safe? I'd never heard of such a thing! I wish I could have seen the look on his face!! Brilliant! And WOW! Their UNCLE being the cop you talked to - love it!



Reading back I know you worry about the other kids and it sounds like their mom has some troubles of her own. As the youngest is 10 he's got a lot of "at home" years still ahead of him and he obviously loves you. I also know you worry about your ex knowing where you are...



I have a thought to share...If you've always had a good relationship with her you could send her a letter telling her that should the children ever need you, you'll always be there for them and for her. (I'm curious as to how her relationship was with your ex, when they were together...)



It sounds like your ex wouldn't mess with your dad so you could use his return address on this one piece of mail,even write it as: DeeDee Routt C/O 123 apple street.... The C/O, or "care of" indicates that that is not your "home" address... You could include a "missing you" card for the boys or something... Tell her, your Dad will always know how to reach you and she (or the boys) can write you at that address. If okay with your dad, you could tell her she can leave a phone message with him if she needs to urgently reach you.



Doing this shows the boys you really do miss them and care about their well being. (God only knows what their father is saying... and don't worry about that - the truth always comes out!)



If there's one thing I know, it's that if your message of love & support is consistent with the kids, they'll believe you're always there for them. I have some experience in this area. My oldest daughter is not mine biologically, nor was she ever my step-child, nor is she adopted or a foster child... curious?



Biologically she is the half-sister of my eldest son on their fathers side. The two children spent time together every summer when he would visit his grandparents (& father). When she got older she started coming to visit us. I loved her from the moment I met her. I KNEW both her biological parents had some serious personal issues. From the moment I heard of her birth I have said, if she ever needs a home, I'll take her!



While I had no "rights" to her, I was a consistent figure in her life. When she was only a few years old she had her first experience in foster care. She ended up back with her biological mother, which wasn't good, so her paternal grandmother stepped in to prevent her from going to foster care. For many years that was good (from an outsiders view) but (sadly) abuse occurred and she went to live with her aunt. Her aunt is an amazing woman. However, she wasn't ready to parent a teenager, her first child being two years old at the time!



But! She remembered my consistent message, if she ever needs a place to go, she can come live with me! And now she does. :) I call her my "chosen child" and I'm her "chosen mom". It works for us and our family forest! Her aunt had started the counselling process and we continue to get help when needed! She's happy, healthy and well adjusted! Just a thought, long, but I hope inspirational, hopeful...



Best of luck to you & your son DeeDee!

User - posted on 10/17/2012

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I don't have to read everything, the children are in the home with you. If DCF is called you will also be charged with abuse. You have the power to take control, the children are also in your care, and you have the right to remove the children in your care with the help of the court and the oldest child. You need to talk to that child alone. Do not allow the father to take his anger out on you or the children, help the children, you are all they have.

Lorraine - posted on 10/10/2012

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I wish people would read her posts properly. DeeDee said now she is at her dads she has limited internet access.

Julie - posted on 10/09/2012

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Ok, I cannot see a single reason for you to stay with this man. You need to get out. NOW.

Vicki - posted on 10/08/2012

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I just saw this thread for the first time today. DeeDee, I'm happy to read that you and your son got away from that abusive relationship! I was hoping to read about another update on you and your son, as well as where your step sons are now.

Tisa - posted on 10/08/2012

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I am very sorry to here that ,but no job or not u need to find out what your rights are about your step children and when u leave u need to take them with u. He is dangerous and no child should be left in his care. In those kids eyes you are their mother and it is your job to protect those chilldren. What 's go happen if someone gets killed the next time. If he do it once he will do it again. They all say it won't but you know as well as I do that it will.

Joyce - posted on 10/08/2012

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Wow Dee Dee, if it makes you feel a little better, we call my first born son Dee Dee. As bad as it looks, things can still turn around, I only know one thing that can definately, and I mean definately change everything, I didnt see you mention anything about prayer, yes some may not believe, but I believe prayer can change anything, even something that looks like a dead end road. I am not telling you to join any religion, just try prayer, and see if he doesnt listen and touch the situation in your home, you will be surprised, your family can turn around to something you wont even be able to explain, and I am talking from experience, try praying, for your husband, for your kids, just one day at a time, if you are not a believer, and tell me if you dont start experiencing the hand of the lord, no psychatric, law enforcement, human being can help, they will advice, they will talk, they will suggest, some will even try to break you all up, stand strong as a mother, and ask GOD TO FIX IT, HE WILL, meanwhile, meditate on this scripture. John 16:23 Jesus says whatever you ask GOD in his name he WILL GIVE YOU. So ask Dee Dee, ask for GOD to fix it, and make you have peace in the house, and to touch your husband, he will do it. and I will be praying for you too, It really does work...... Have a blessed day.......... You are probably rolling your eyes, like what a bunch of ***shhh**** no, only believe, and pray...........

Faye - posted on 10/08/2012

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Do NOT wait for the next time. Get out NOW!!!!!!!!! He will end up hurting you or one of the children. Take all of the children with you when you go. He needs help, and will not get it as long as you stay and take the abuse. Go to a shelter, a church, the police department, it doesn't matter where you go, but GO. You state that you have family. Go to them. If he shows up where ever you are, call the law. Take out an ex parte' if you need to, to feel safe.

Lorraine - posted on 10/07/2012

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So relieved for you and your son. Its a real shame that the two step sons wanted to stay and it sounds like they painted a picture of you to their mum but the main thing is you and your son are safe and happy living with your dad. I had to keep reading this to find your happy ending reply to know you were safe despite being tired as over here in United Kingdom.



Have a happy life DeeDee xxx

Sue - posted on 07/25/2012

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dee dee
im sooo glad to read the fantastic news that you are away from him and sorting your life out with your son its a shame the other boys wouldnt go with you but im sure you will be able to check up on them in the future and from his mothers comments she knows he is a nutter its just easier for her to blame you so she doesnt have to admit she has been compacent in ignoring her sons bad behaviour towards his family all these years
i wish you all the luck in the world and a happy future for your family those with you and those who are not

User - posted on 07/24/2012

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Another thing, and I don't know what state you live in, but most judges do not look favorably on a mom that takes the kids out of state without the court's permission. Even then, you have to prove that the move is in the best interest of the children. If you don't go about it legally, you risk having your husband file papers on you for moving away, keeping him from seeing his kids. Even if they're supervised, he still has rights to see them.
Don't leave the state until a judge says you can and you have it in writing. The state of NY I know is VERY strict on this issue and can make you move back or you could loose your kids..especially if the kids were born there and they have significant ties there like grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

User - posted on 07/24/2012

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When he's not home, take the kids, a few clothes, any important documents like pay his pay stubs, kids' birth certificates, his mental health papers, bank information pictures showing abuse etc (anything you need or can use against him in court) and just get out!

I had a smart sheriff deputy tell me once, "If it isn't on paper, it didn't happen". Your husband will panic once he realizes your gone. Document everything he does in a notebook with times, dates and what he's doing. If he harasses you at your relatives home, call the police.

If there are enough calls to the police where they have to come to your relative's house, each time, tell them you want them to fill out a report. This shows the court a substantial pattern.

Then get a lawyer and go file for a restraining order...while you're in front of the judge also ask for HIM to be removed from the home and that ask that he continue to pay the mortgage, utilities etc...since you're a stay-at-home-mom, courts will make him leave so you and the kids can remain in the family residence. It's in the best interest of the children to be in their own surroundings.

While you're in court show the judge all of the clinical papers regarding his mental health issues. No judge will let him back in the house or give him those children. He'll be lucky to get supervised visitation.
Once you get that out of the way, get in touch with the child support collection unit in your state. They will help you get child support and garnish his wadges. If he won't work, they can send him to jail. They will even go to court with you and hold a lot of weight with the child support judge.

Good luck!

Chrisdee - posted on 07/22/2012

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Dee Dee,

I was in a very similar situation. Married for 11 years to a verbally and emotionally abusive man. I know it is hard, but you must get out for your sake and the sake of the children. I also understand how you did not realize this at first, then did not know what to do about it. Sounds like you realize what you need to do. Please don't allow your fear of making a bad decision for the children keep you from taking ANY action.

You nor the children can change him. He must realize that he needs help for himself and take action to get help.

Kristi - posted on 07/18/2012

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Lisa M.--I'm sorry you were abused as a child. That must have been horrible. IMO, the laws are not strict enough for crimes against children and the consequences are too light. I'm not sure what kind of "in care" you're talking about. IDK if you mean foster care or in-patient hospital care. Either way, you didn't deserve any of it. It is obviously still traumatic for you. I hope you are getting help and that you will someday soon find the inner peace we all deserve. As a survivor of abuse myself, I know how hard it is to recover from. My abuse began when I was 181/2 and continued on and off until last year, I am 41. So although I'm extremely familiar with what happens inside a person who has been abused, I still cannot fully understand your situation. Whereas, you cannot fully understand DeeDee's. None of us can. All of our circumstances, though related, are still unique to our own experiences. Thus, you have not walked a mile in her shoes. I stand behind my first post to you.

OP: "Until you walk a mile...you have no right to call DeeDee "a nasty bitch." She did the best she could under the circumstances. Hitting a child in the leg with a remote is bad but women have stayed for worse. Manipulation, psychological abuse and fear can dehibilate anyone. Sometimes you can't see the forest through the trees."

I'm not going to debate with you nor am I going to explain what it is like to be in DeeDee's position. You're going to believe whatever you want regardless of what I can say. I will remind you that we all live in glass houses, including you. I wish you well and pray that you will be able to let go of your hatred and anger. Until you can release that, your abuser(s) will remain in control of your life. Calling people awful names and condemning others will not change what happened to you nor will it help in your healing process. You DO have choices now. One of those choices is whether you are going to be a Survivor of abuse or remain a Victim of it. Try to embrace the power and freedom you have and put it to good use. Take care and good luck to you.

Medi - posted on 07/17/2012

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I was in a abusive relationship for 5 years. I know how hard it can be to leave. Everyone looks at you like you're dumb, or crazy for staying but unless you've been in the situation you can really understand how it feels. Especially when you're truly in love with the person, you want to believe they will eventually change. The sad truth is it doesn't work that way. He's not just going to wake up one day and dramatically change. Change is gradual and hard, it takes a lot for an individual to accept they're wrong and do something about it. The only option you have is to leave. There is no other alternative. I know it's easier said than done but it's not impossible. If I did it anyone can.

Carrie - posted on 07/17/2012

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Lisa Malt, how nasty, & uncalled for your comment is! Rather than being so mean to a woman who reached out for help, & support, maybe you should be grateful that the abuse ypu experienced didn't continue in your adulthood. Just because you feel you've gotten a raw deal doesn't give you the right to speak to someone especially a stranger) the way did!

Julie - posted on 07/16/2012

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People can keep commenting Morgan until the site administrator closes the thread. I'm sure DeeDee isn't laughing about her situation for the last month or so and the agonizing decisions she's had to make.

Morgan - posted on 07/16/2012

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It is very inappropriate to call people ugly names. You could have handled this better. I understand your anger but still you could have gone about it in a very different way and still gotten your point across. At leat she reached out for help. Hey and she lef the guy and called the cops so thats good. Putting someone down in a bad situation is never a good idea, it oly makes the situation that much worse and could cuse more damage to a already damaged person.

Kustanya - posted on 07/15/2012

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Wow. I don't have any advice (glass houses) but I will keep you all in prayer. Stay strong.

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