Unexpected pregnancy and need some advice!

[deleted account] ( 10 moms have responded )

Hello!
So I am 23 years old, been with my boyfriend for over a year now and I just found out I am pregnant. I am still in college finishing up my undergrad. He is a full time farmer and I also help at his family farm while in school. We live together and alot of times it seems like we are married but we have also been having issues with arguing and now with this pregnancy stuff we dont see eye to eye. I want to keep the child. I do think I can do this, I am healthy, in good shape, well organized and have a job lined up for after my graduation. He also works/ owns a farm thats very successful for money is not our big issues. He thinks " we are to young" and that we arent ready for it and it would be better to have it be adopted. Its hard, if our relationship was a little bit more stable maybe he would feel otherwise? I dont know how I could manage having the kid without him and what to expect. All my family lives at least 5 hours from where I live now and I dont really have a different place to go if things did go south. I am looking for advice, how do I stop with the argueing? alot of times it get mad because he isnt the most considerate and can be "jokingly mean". I dont handle stress the best so maybe thats why we argue? I am also really scared about this too.I have never had a kid, I didnt plan on this and I dont know how to really prepare. I look at books but there are just to many. If anyone has some insight i would love to hear!

10 Comments

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Bonnie - posted on 05/13/2012

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You will never truly be 'ready'. Something will always come up to make you think that. Men often take longer in life to feel 'ready'. Ultimately, the final decision is up to you. Do what is in your heart.

[deleted account]

i was 21 and he was 29 when i got pregnant; he said that he was too young to be a father.
i believe that ultimately the decision is yours but talk to him.
it didn't work for me and i raised my son on your own; his father only got involved in his life because he was obligated to and his parents wanted to have a relationship with my son.

you need to do what is best for you and your child.

everyone is scared about having their first baby; but remember; women have been having babies for millions of years; without drugs; doctors etc.
your body knows what to do when the time comes; so listen to it!!

Kelina - posted on 05/08/2012

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how far along are you? because you'll probably be four to five months before you really start showing. Have you seen a doctor or midwife yet? what about asking them to send you for a dating ultrasound? baby looks a bit like an alien before 12 weeks but still enough like a baby that it might bring reality home to him. I don't think you should tell his parents without him or at least without him knowing about it, but neither do I think that the responsibility should be solely on him to tell them. Ideally the two of you should tell them together. Have you told your family? If you really want to keep the baby then let him know that. I wouldn't have considered putting my kids up for adoption no matter what was offered me. They drive me nuts quite often, including at this very moment lol but I love them totally and completely. Arg, balls should be outlawed as presents.

[deleted account]

I agree, I think he is scared to tell them because I know his dad will be getting on him about everything. On one hand yes, his parents love me I swear more than they love him but they are really old fashion and will have wanted us married or tell us to get married. Its hard to say really. They have two grandkids now and they love having them around. They might not be to upset, they own the house that me and my boyfriend live in now and they had no problem with me moving in, so i think they know we are both taking out relationship seriously. I really hope me and him make it through. I do think that once he actually can see the baby he will change his mind. Its just scary and I know he is scared too but if i feel like i can do it, i dont know why he doesnt either, I am trying my best to just stay calm and in a good mood. With morning sickness I right now am trying to just avoid him a little bit because I am on edge and dont want to cause a fight over nothing. I really am just looking out for this child, I want this kid to have a wonderful life with loving parents that are there for them, not a dad the kid gets a check from and sees every other weekend. I honestly think my boyfriend would make a great father he just doesnt see it yet because he is so wrapped up in wanting to go out and have fun with his friends, drive big loud vehicals and do whatever he wants. I keep telling him that having a kid doesnt mean that he cant still do alot of the things he enjoys, he just doesnt see it the way I do.

Jill - posted on 05/08/2012

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It's definitely his responsibility to tell his parents. And like you said, they will find out when you start to show. He is probably afraid to tell his parents because he knows they will set him straight. I have a feeling you two will be just fine. He might need some time to come to grips with this. Once you have an ultrasound and he sees HIS baby, he will probably feel differently. Do you think his parents will be excited about a grandchild?

[deleted account]

Thanks for all the help everyone! Its such a weird place to be. Its either we are the happiest people in the world and best friends or we just want to kill eachother. I think alot of it has to do with living together and another is he is immature and still hasnt really grown up yet( thats my theory). We are working to get along and I think right now the argueing is more like me being under alot of stress with school and the pregnancy. He is being really shy about telling anyone and I think we need to tell him parents since they live 2.2 miles away and co-own his business with him! Once they know I have a feeling his dad might kind of snap him into shape. I honestly cannot imagine carrying this baby for 40 weeks then just giving it up. I would hate to do this alone and I love the guy to death but he just says " I think we are to young and we wouldnt be good parents". Im not sure how to convince him otherwise or maybe just role with the punches and see where it takes us. I really want to tell him parents but I dont want to go behind his back, but i need him to tell them, or its just a matter of time and in about a month from now I should be showing and will need to tell them. I just dont want them getting mad thinking we hid it from them when we see them everyday. Any thoughts?

Bethany - posted on 05/07/2012

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I was 16 when I fell pregnant with my first son, my partner is 10 years older then me and tried everything to get me to abort the baby to my refusal. He stuck by me through the pregnancy, even though he didnt want him, only because his dad told him that if hes going to make a baby he has to stick around and support it. After our son was born my partner changed his mind and thanked me for keeping him, we are happily engaged with our 3rd child on the way :) the moral of my story is maybe if you can involve him in the pregnancy and have him there when you have this child, he will fall head over heel in love with it the second its born and want to grow as a family with you

Kelina - posted on 05/07/2012

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In what way are you not ready? In what way can young parents who are obviously not financially struggling not raise a child? It's hard. Parenting is hard. But if he was old enough to be in a relationship and have sex he should be old enough to expect the consequences even if you were on birth control. You're a year older than I am, and I'm expecting my third. We live on one income, and struggle daily. You're in a far better position than I am. If your family lives five hours away and you decide to keep the baby on your own then would you be able to stay with someone there until you could find a job? Life throws things at us that we don't always plan on. I don't see any reason why the two of you can't raise a child together unless that's really not what he wants. And I also don't see any reason why you wouldn't be able to raise the baby on your own if that's what you want. I know it's a scary concept. Becoming a mother usually is. But either way you can do it.

Jill - posted on 05/07/2012

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He was old enough to live with and have sex with you. It's not like you guys are teenagers or financially unstable. He is either selfish or scared. Either way, he made a choice to have sex and now there is another life involved. I applaud you for wanting to keep the baby. You definitely need to have a heart to heart and really see where he is. If you end up doing this alone, it will be hard, but you will be fine.

Louise - posted on 05/06/2012

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You have to have a heart to heart with your man and tell him what you are feeling. First of all you have to work out what you want. Do you want to keep the baby, could you give the baby away for adoption. You will bond with this baby even if you decide to give him/her up for adoption and saying goodbye will break your heart if you are not 100% happy with the idea. Sit down and take your time this is a major decision. It is not his to make, the baby is growing inside you.

If you think the relationship is breaking down and cant be fixed then it is your decision. He will have to provide financial help but that is all. The care and raising of this baby will be down to you.

If you want the baby then tell him and try and work things out. It is a major change to your life but there is nothing more rewarding than motherhood. Decide what you want and then you can move on with your life.

Dont be scared, pregnancy is lovely, the birth is a fear of the unknown, if it was that bad then why do we go on to have more children. :-D

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