Ungratefull partner or is it me?

Roger - posted on 01/14/2014 ( 81 moms have responded )

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Firstly i'm a guy so it would be great to hear things from a female perspective. I truly want to make sure i am not being unreasonable and find it no problem to change my behavior if i'm being unreasonable hence why i would like your advice. Its better that i am as truthful as possible as i dont want to seem like im a victim, which i am not.
My partner is a stay at home mum, shes 25 and im 32. I work full time, sometimes 12 hours without a break, i also train at the gym 2-3 times a week so the o/h is with the baby 95% of the week. I never wanted the O/H to be isolated so i ensured we went on all the prenatal courses, and now she has some great friends locally. She will meet them 1-3 times a week. I of course work hard, and luckily earn a very good wage, so everything the O/H wants she gets. Ive recently bought her a new car, upgraded the TV package to cable, allowed her to join a gym and use the creche so she can make time for herself and give her an allowance. Essentially anything she wants she can have, we have 2-3 holidays a year and i am going to pay for nursery next year for our daughter so the O/H can go back to school. All i ask is that the chores are done so by the weekend we can enjoy family time. We had a massive argument in which she asked me to hang up some wet clothing from the washing machine which i didnt do right away. It then escalated to she does everything and i do nothing. She then kept on insisting "what do I round the house". She kept repeating this over and over. She then added that she keeps the house tidy to keep me happy. I felt slightly upset by this because shouldnt you keep a house tidy because you want to? all her friends dont have 5% of the lifestyle we have, i just expected something more than this reaction. I then told her she sounded ungrateful and somehow shes lost track of reality. Essentially she came from a dead end job staying at her parents, and not owning anything, her friends and family all struggle financially. Ive always tried to give her the best, but am i doing something wrong here. I used to be a bit picky with chores, but im less so now and have thought about hiring a cleaner to help out. Am i being unreasonable here?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/14/2014

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Well aren't you just the generous partner? You "allow" her to join a gym, you "allow" her time out with her friends, and you give her an "allowance" to spend...and I bet darn good and well you want to know what it's spent on, too!

In my opinion, "better life" or not, you're a controlling asshole who can't see past his own self importance to see that raising a child is NOT supposed to be just on one person in the family, but on BOTH parents. If she's doing 95% of the raising of your child, you ARE NOT participating equally in the relationship.

The 50's was 60+ years ago. THOSE were the days of the "allowance" and the husband "allowing" the wife to live a life outside of the home. Not in 2014. Learn to help out with some household chores. Figure out how to run the dishwasher and the washing machine. Take a night to fix dinner once in awhile.

I'm the other side. I am the sole income in our home. My husband does not work due to a disability. He doesn't have to get my "permission" to do a damned thing. I work 60 hours a week at 1 job, and 20 at another so that we can be comfortable, but I also do all of the household laundry, as well as take my turns at kitchen duty, household shopping, and chores, not because my hubby is disabled, but because THAT IS HOW A FAMILY WORKS. Everyone chips in to keep the home presentable, everyone contributes in more than a financial way.

Kayla - posted on 01/14/2014

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A clean house is not the most important thing here. It shouldn't be her first priority, and you shouldn't expect that to be her first priority. You say that she is with the baby 95% of the time, which means she is raising the child that you made together, 95% of the time by herself. That is not fair to her, to you, or to that baby.
I can understand why she said "she keeps the house tidy to keep you happy". You have made it clear to her that's what you expect of her, and she doesn't want to let you down. If you think women like to clean, laundry, cook every single day of the year, you are wrong my friend.
The opportunity to be a stay at home mom is a blessing, and it is possible because of the good men out there that are willing to work sometimes 12 hour days so that their wives/gf's can stay at home. I am sure that she greatly appreciates you and what you are doing. That being said, do you realize that what she is doing, by being home everyday, she is saving you a ton of money? By cooking homemade meals, cleaning, and laundry, and having the child at home, you are not having to pay for any of this.
There is very rarely enough credit given to stay at home moms. I myself, feel guilty from time to time that my husband works so many hours and I don't. Then I remember, I work 24/7, no holidays, no breaks, no sick days, I don't even pee alone haha
She probably feels very unappreciated and not valued as much as she should be. It's not about the things you "allow" her to do, or the things you buy for her. It's more about the time you put in to make her feel valued and important. That, as much as she appreciates you for working so hard, you appreciate her for working so hard AND taking care of a baby all day.
P.S. Before I had kids, I had a job where I worked 12 to 14 hour days, 3 weeks on and 1 week off. It was exhausting. Now I am a stay at mom of 3, and I guarantee you, my job as a stay at home mom, taking care of kids, the house and all that. It is 10X harder than any job I have ever had. Take care of her emotionally, not just financially.

Jodi - posted on 01/16/2014

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"If a man or woman is bringing zero money into the house- you simply have to ask the other person if it's alright to spend such and such on something... that's life- that's fair, doesn't matter if male or female. "

Uh, not in my marriage I don't! OUR money (whoever earns it - there have been times when one or the other of us has had little to no income) goes into OUR bank account where EITHER of us can use it WITHOUT having to have "permission" from the other. THAT is what we call an equal and respectful partnership. A SAHM should not have to get permission to spend money, period. That is demeaning and disrespects her unpaid work.

Jai - posted on 01/16/2014

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Lots of people work a job...roger...deal with it. Share the baby work you are both parents. House work is hers. She doesn't tell u how to do your job. Don't tell her how or when to do housework. End of arguement.

John - posted on 01/23/2014

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A good orgasm can do wonders for a woman. I think many in this thread need one in the worst way.

Seriously, there's more issues than what you're not doing around the house. You need to help her feel good and appreciated in every way and this will go away. On the other hand, happiness is a choice. You both need to make that choice, both at being happy yourself and in your relationship and stay focused on that. Some people can go from one day to the next happy or unhappy. Read books to each other about being happy, then read books on sexual positions to each other. It works...

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Michelle - posted on 03/29/2015

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You should hire help to clean and let her time and energy be given to your child. She has to take care of the baby and clean every day? That is a full time job in itself keeping a nice Clean and tidy home. Then caring for a child of any age needs all of your time to nurture, love and teach them. You have to dedicate all of yourself when raising a baby without any interruptions. I think hiring help would benefit the whole family. I hope everything works out for you.

Ashley - posted on 06/05/2014

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I am a stay at home mom and I agree that it is my job to have the house clean every day when my huband gets home from work. I clean, do the laundry, take care, of the kids, cook, shopping, errands, make sure the bills are paid, the doctors appointments and hospital visits, and so much more. I even lay his clothes out every night for work the next day, I take care of myself, my husband, our kids, the animals, and even his mom who is very sick. But my husband goes to work every day and works his butt off to make sure our family has everything we need and our bills are paid, so yes its my job to take care of the home since that is why I am a stay at home mom.
However, my husband still helps out when ask him too, which isnt very often, but he understands that I work hard too, even though Im not making a paycheck. So on the few occasions I ask, he helps. There was a day I spent all day 9am til 2am the next morning in doctors offices and hospitals...my son had an appointment at the hospital and they couldnt do the test due to another health issue, so we had to leave there and go to his doctors office where we spent 5 hours to tet answers, and then when I finally got home I cooked dinner and then had to run out the door to take my mother in law to the emergency room without even getting a chance to eat dinner or make anyones plates. When I got home at 2 in the morning, my husband had the clean, kids fed, bathed, and bed and was still waiting up for me even after his 12 hour shift at work that day. I was so happy and thankful and grateful I didnt have to stay up and do it all after that long exhausting day. being a stay at home mom is a hard job, whether you believe it or not. It involves a bunch of differant jobs all in one, sleepless nights, and can be very emotionally, mentally and physically draining. But it can also be very rewarding.
Now, not only does my husband help when needed, he also appreciates all I do, and is grateful, and he SHOWS it. Us SAHM's do so much for everyone else, but are lucky to get 2 minutes for ourselves. So make sure she time for herself and if she takes a day off from cleaning the house, dont make it a big deal as long as its not disgusting or so bad that you would be embarrassed to have unnanounced company show up and see it. I personally, dont take days off unless im so sick I cant even get out of bed, but that doesnt happen often. I dont take days off because I love my house to be spotless and smell good and if I take a day off, the dust will takeover.
Now, the MOST IMPORTANT thing im going to say. And pay attention because it will help tremendously in what she does and does not do. Husbands often times, dont realize everything a stay at home mom does, until its not done. If you walk in the door everyday to a spotless, laundry done, dinner on the table, kids with smiles, and wife looking like a million bucks, then your going to just expect it everyday, and your going to forget all the hard work she did all day to make it that way, which means your going to forget to appreciate it and be grateful and to show her and tell her how much u appreciate it and how thankful u r to come home to that every day. And then, shes going to have a rough day down the road where she is sick and doesnt do anything so u come home to ur wife looking like hell laid up on the couch, kids being loud running through the house and making all kinds of messes, only to find out she is going to bed to get rested and feel better so you are stuck figuring out dinner, with the messy house, and wild kids that still need to do homework, eat, bathe and go to bed, and ur all on your own tonight. That is when u notice what ur wife did all day and you become irritated because she did nothing all day long and u came home to a zoo instead of a home after your long hard day at work. So, make sure you notice and let her know you notice everything she does when she does it, and not just when she doesnt do it. If u dont let her know that u notice and let her know you appreciate it and u know how hard she works for it, then she is going to become tired of doing everything and not appreciated, and she is going to start doing less and less and she wont put her all into it after so long of going unnoticed and underappreciated.
Next thing, dont say things like "I allow her to...", because she is not a child and you are not her father and she should not have to feel that way or feel like she has to have your permission for anything as she is a grown ass woman and can do as she pleases. Yes, she take your opinion and feelings into consideration as she is with you but she should not have to ask, and ultimately the decision is sti hers I the end.
And finally, when she goes back to school, and gets a job, you will need realize that she will no longer be a stay at home mom, and it will be just as much your responsibility as it hers to keep up on the house work and taking care of the kids, laundry and whatever else there might be. If shes working, then she is also making money and contributing to the household finances just like you, so all household responsibilities will also need to be shared. And if she is in school, then she is doing something to better not only her life but also yours and your kids' lives and she will not be home as much as she is now so again, household responsibilities will need to be shared. It would not be fair for her to work or go to school and still have to do everything else by herself. Appreciate her a little more and she will appreciate you a little more. The more you do for her, the more she will want to do for you. And im saying go home and cook and clean every night. Just let her know you do appreciate what she does by telling her frequently. Offer to help out sometimes, bring her roses, or a gift certificate to a spa or something she enjoys and tell her to go have fun and enjoy herself while you stay home with the kids.
Oh and I forgot to mention, that she should also be grateful that you work so hard to give your family the life they deserve and the life so many take for granted. And she should aslo show and tell you how grateful she is how much she appreciates what you do for your family. Its not just a one way street here. It takes two to make a relationship work and both parties need tk feel appreciated and not taken for granted. So maybe both of you should work on it. Dont be against each other and try to compare who does more and instead work together and be happy to have everything you do. And, never forget that life is not all about money, and a clean house. Too many people forget to live life becaus they are too worried about the next dollar or too worried about the million things they need to do when in all reality, that picture on the wall with a speck of dust, really can wait for tomorrow so you can enjoy a family game night together or go spend a few hours doing what the kids enjoy and being able to watch them smile and laugh and know thay they will have a good memory of spending time with mom and dad instead of having to "wait" until we have time because theres a speck of dust, or we have to make this extra dollar. So dont be so hard. Yes, a clean house is important but a happy healthy family is more important. I keep up on my house work, so it really only takes me no more than a hour at most to get it done every day and that icludes putting everything in its place, dusting, vaccuuming, sweeping, mopping, dishes, cleaning counters and appliances, scrubbing the bathroom and washing clothes by hand since we dont have a washer right now, and making beds. And then after dinner every night, I clean that mess, and go through every room and put everything in its place again before I go to bed. It doesnt take long at all and its not overwhelming once you get in a routine of it and find what works for u. And once a week, I clean under and inside furniture and move things around as needed, plus clean windows, doors and handles, and anything else that may need some extra attention and none of that takes very long either because I do it so often.
I not only show my husband every day how much I appreciate what he does by having him come home to a clean house, happy kids and wife and dinner on the table, but I also tell him often how much it means to me and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband and I thank him all the time and I definitely thank him when he does extra, especially when I dont even ask. Sometimes I try to do special things for him, like last week he was going to mow the yard when he got home from work, but I knew he didnt get much sleep the night before and he had a hard day, didnt feel the greatest and was really tired so I mowed for him before he even got home. He noticed immediately and was so happy and thankful. Its the little things that count, so make them worth it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/24/2014

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Angela, I believe you are correct about the original post and title being modified

Angela - posted on 01/23/2014

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I *think* that the original post (and title) have been edited) since he first posted.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/23/2014

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Oh, and Beachy?

I'M SORRY THAT YOU THINK THAT YOU NEED TO FOLLOW AND HARASS ME ALL OVER THE BOARD.

I APOLOGIZE THAT YOU FEEL THE NEED TO TROLL.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/23/2014

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Oh, Beachy, still at it, I see! Still following and attacking me, I see!

Laughable that you have so much time to troll. You're welcome to come and meet me face to face, any time, honey. Wyoming's great in the winter!

You can quit attacking me. You can quit making assumptions and looking like an ass whilst doing so.

A MARRIAGE IS A PARTNERSHIP. It is NOT for one to lord over the other all that they "provide" vs all that the SAH "does"

Until you get that, you'll be completely in the dark as you are now. Back the fuck off, Beachy.

[deleted account]

It was a QUESTION. Is my wife ungrateful or am I? Note the question mark at the end of the original title of the post please.

Angela - posted on 01/23/2014

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Sandy, the very TITLE of this thread "Ungrateful Partner" screams out to me that the man that wrote the opening post believes he's entitled to gratitude from his partner.

It says implicitly that the fact he's the one earning and providing the material things needed within the home means that in his eyes his wife doesn't have the right to ask what he does around the home, or to ask him to take damp washing from the washing machine and put it to air!

Giving a massive "shopping list" of all the stuff he provides within the home and for the family means he validates and values himself and others by their (money) earning potential.

As children we were subject to our parents' rules because we depended on them for everything that had to be bought with money. Shelter, clothing, food, entertainment, education etc ...

Roger's partner is expected to be "grateful". Like obedient children are expected to be grateful. I'm actually glad she has the spirit to ask her husband what he does around the house. He hasn't yet turned her into the doormat that desperately seeks approval all the time in order to keep HIM happy above all else.

This is not conducive to a relationship with a significant other where a couple are supposed to be equal partners.

Oh, and whilst we're on the subject of partners, that's how he refers to her - as his partner. Since it's faster to type the word "wife" than "partner" we must assume they're not legally married. That means that should they go split up and go their separate ways, she has NO recourse to financial support from him as she's not been his legal wife.

And before you all start talking about the equal rights of common law wives and de facto partners, this is not the USA or Australia. I'm convinced Roger is British. But I'm happy to be corrected by Roger on this assumption!

[deleted account]

Do you EVER shut up or apologize or show kindness to anyone?
Roger wrote such kind words, I see them almost written as to calm the two of you down. And you're STILLLLLL at him! Like a dog with a bone.
Transparent by words? My gosh- you leave NOTHING to the imagination.
ABRASIVE is the word of the day for goodness sakes! Sandpaper!
You think Roger 'needs a little more adjustment'??? ***Who are you, God?*** You're here to 'adjust' him? Use your words carefully, as they reflect who you are- and who you THINK you are.
I find it VERY hard to believe that you have a very 'fullfilling and mutually respecting relationship for 25 years'. No one with a mouth and attitude like that is as happy as you say my dear.
Give it up.
Let it rest already.
Down boy down!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/22/2014

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Nope, Roger, not bitter, nor abrasive. Straight to the point, no sugar coating, and absolutely blunt. That's me.

And you seem to be finally getting it, slowly. You'll get to the point where you do. As a person in a very fulfilling, mutally respecting relationship for the last 25 years, I speak from a multitude of experiences, and yes, you raised red flags, just as I said. As you said, typing makes you 'transparent', in that you will type your true feelings easier than you'd express them in person. I still think you need a little more adjustment, but that's why I'm not your wife.

Be thankful for what you have. ENJOY the time you have now, whilst the baby is young. It's too easy to overlook these years, and then look back in regret for not having quality time, because the laundry wasn't done, or whatever excuse. I learned that early on. Its not the perfection of my home, nor the perfect performance of SAH duties that matter, it is how my family is raised, how happy and healthy they are that matters.

Cheers!

Roger - posted on 01/22/2014

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Shawwn sorry you have based this opinion of me based on a few typed words. Because after all we are all completely transparent in the words we type. So what exactly was my purpose for coming on here if i only wanted validation that im merely a bank account for an ungrateful partner? I may not have been seeing clearly, maybe i was having a bad day, a moment where i felt i wasnt appreciated, dont we all have days like that? obviously you have felt that on more than one occasion or are you naturally this abrasive? but hey if i was totally adamant i was in the right i would not have asked for opinions, instead i would have highjacked other peoples posts ranting how my partner is a money grabbing wrench; how all women are bitter money grabbers. I care less and less about money as time goes on, im a family man and enjoy my family more than anything else, the thought of losing them can never be replaced with money. Thats all that matters. I know my parter is grateful for everything i do for her, as i am grateful for how wonderfully she is bringing up our baby. I have a stressful job and as such i am cutting down on hours ( i work as a consultant), we can make do with what we have because i'll never be young again (kind of) with the blessing of such a wonder baby and partner.

Im done here; be happy all and thanks for your input, it's made me see how lucky i am ;)

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2014

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Oh, I'm perfectly happy, but thank you, "John" for your kind words anyway :)

John - posted on 01/21/2014

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Funny Jodi, Considering John is a woman and I see it from a woman's perspective. You are clearly a bitter old bag of joy. I really hope that you find happiness someday. :-)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/21/2014

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So...JohnJohn is wearing the pointy hat today...And, yes clearly an abusive asshole!

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2014

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LOL, Shawnn, I must admit, I didn't go back to the first posts. Sandy just seems hung on the fact that he could be a WORSE asshole because he could be beating her :/ I don't get how any level of asshole is acceptable.

And Sandy, women don't always leave relationships when they aren't happy, or when there is emotional abuse - people like you are probably the reason why. Telling a woman that at least he doesn't beat her is downplaying any level of emotional abuse.

@ John John, clearly you are an abusive asshole. Just saying.

John - posted on 01/21/2014

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Get a cleaning service to come in two or three times a week, hire a nanny and then kick her out so she can go do whatever she wants when she wants, make her own money and not have you there doing nothing....

Then after a couple years of that, see what she would think of her current situation. :)

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/21/2014

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Actually, Jodi, I did say in my original response that it was my opinion that he's being a controlling asshole...LOL...Considering that my first partner was exactly the same ("Allowing" me to go to the gym, "allowing" me to attend classes at Uni, "allowing" me to take the household money to go grocery shopping...)

Ah, but Sandy seems to think that he mistyped and that we're stuck on a "phrase". Well, I had a very well respected teacher once who said that people will tend to write their true feelings out, but when asked the same questions, will form a response that will make them look more "favourable"...Which is exactly what the OP did here. I doubt he mistyped. I think he was honest, which is refreshing. Honesty is good. But, doubling back and "restating" the original to try to make it look like he's not controlling...that's where my red flags went up, having been in that very same situation. Granted, mine was only 3 years before I opened my eyes.

So, again, Sandy, please quit assuming that you know "what we mean", or know how we've "misunderstood". Because I can guarantee you, my reading comprehension is quite ducky, tyvm. ;-)

AND, quit assuming that a woman will naturally leave an abusive relationship. Emotional abuse (controlling behaviour) is abuse, the same as any other. Abused women may WANT out, but not know how to accomplish that. How many posts have you seen on here about that very topic? Quite a few. So, quit saying "Ever occur to you that his wife DOES have a choice whether to stay at home or work??? Do you think she is 'stuck' there and 'oppressed'? She's got choices." Because, as I pointed out, a woman who's under the domination of a controlling person WILL NOT see that they have choices, because THEY ARE TOLD THAT THEY SHOULD BE GRATEFUL TO THE DOMINEERING PERSONALITY WHO IS OPPRESSING THEM.

You say that we have never seen an abusive man. I say that you continue to keep your head buried, beachy, because its very obviously you who have not lived in reality.

And, finally, you thinking that he's an upstanding guy for posting this on a forum for women...well, did you MISS the part about this site ONLY being for women at this point? We don't have a 'Circle of Dads', it's CoM. We will answer men's questions, but we're also fairly quick at telling them that this is not the place for them. Since the OP blatantly disregarded that policy and posted regardless, he's open for any one of us to respond. And, myself, being an independent woman who's been in what some would call the "perfect" relationship for 25 years, tend to see the BS meter a little more clearly, so will tend to call anyone out who's starting to bury us in BS

Sherrie - posted on 01/21/2014

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I was in a marriage where I had to ask for money to buy our son medication and when I went to the grocery store if the receipt read 2.29 non food I had to explain why I bought it, then it turned into what " He" would tell me what to do whom could be my friends. Needs less to say I woke the heck up and got a education and a career. Then I met the love of my life whom never tells me I can't . He supports me just like a Real Husband should treat his wife and I do the same for him. Going on nineteen years now, I wasted ten years of my life with my first I didn't know better then but I wised up quickly.

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2014

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@ Amrita, I have no idea how long you have been separated, but life does move on. I know it is scary to think of being with someone else. I was terrified after 12 years with my ex and then divorcing him. But I did eventually move on, and have now been married to my husband for 10 years. Hang in there :)

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2014

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And as I said Sandy, YOU are the only person here who is referring to him as an asshole.

User - posted on 01/21/2014

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can anyone answer my one question?
will i ever be able to move on in my life fr myself. i have moved on a as a mum and I'm happy and feel blessed. but i haven't been able to for myself. the though of having another man itself is scary as i can't touch anyone else, or be a partner or wife of anyone else as i always had my children's father's picture in my mind and still do even if he has only done wrong to me in life.
i am not in touch as he is married and I'm scared hell spoil my kids too.but will i everrrr be able to think of moving on of myself? my elder son is happy child but i have seen that he keeps getting attracted to father figures (he misses a father i guess) and i am not able to get him another dad as i can't move on from tht man who is my children's biological father. i know this is a wrong place to ask but there r many who r reading this and i know ill get help.
just feeling too low right now.

[deleted account]

In regards to Rogers last post- Go Roger go.
You gals fail to see the good in this man and for the life of me, I don't know why. It is like he's in a pit of snakes here. I can only gather that it's from unhappy past or current relationships.
You're all hung on on the '50's', the wording he's used in his original post, etc. Look past it.
As I've said before- this man is not a huge ass____. We all know some ass___. There are wife beaters, etc.
Let's not assume either, that his wife's an idiot and will accept harsh or unfair treatment. There are people who are assuming she's a helpless marshmallow or something.
You all seem so concerned about her- when maybe she'll choose to work in a while, who knows?
I still give Roger huge credit for going to women for advice (or to be shredded?), rather than going to the bar or whatever to chime in with negative/unfair/mean/(etc.) men bitching about their wives.
Again I must say-Go Roger!

[deleted account]

Roger is scared. I don't blame him.
Blessed are the women who have it all, but please let them wake up and realize that, and not complain about the small stuff.
Blessed are the women who work their butts off and have to carry the load by themselves.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/21/2014

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Well stated, Angela! (As usual, may I add...LOL)

@ Sandy...Perhaps you should read for comprehension, and not speed.

That being said, people such as Sandy, assuming that anyone posting here has never worked outside of the home by choice (but, in her words, we were either forced to, in order to live, or because we felt "unappreciated" at home...LOLOL....Damn, if I could have the appreciation at work that I get at home, I'd be in heaven!) Is actually making an ass of themselves by assuming that they know what's in everyone's mind!

Much like Jodi, regardless of WHO in the home earns the income, it is OUR income. We have not, in 25 years ever played the "my money, your money" BS game, and ain't starting now.

We mutually determine our budget. Yes, bills come first. And, guess what, we haven't had a "new" (as in brand new model year) car in...well, EVER! But, we do own several previously owned vehicles, all within the last 5 years of manufacture, and were able to pay cash up front for them, rather than taking on unnecessary debt. Our home, again, is paid off, and has been for the last 10 years. Is it a mansion? Nope, but we didn't want one.

So, in a nutshell, with me (the woman...) the sole financial supporter, we are debt free and enjoying life now that our kids have grown up. But, I reiterate, I never would have gotten here without being in a full partnership with my spouse. He did not hold the purse strings when he was the sole income, nor do I.

The point of my posts was to try to get the OP to see what using terms like "I allow you to go to the gym". A sentence couched in those terms is trying to make the person who is being allowed feel that they should be grateful. Well, in fact, a marriage is a partnership, and neither partner can allow or disallow anything. They can DISCUSS what needs to be done, or an appropriate solution as mature adults, and reach a mutual decision, but for an adult to say that they "allow" any other adult something indicates that the person granting "allowances" feels the need to be in control.

My first partner had EXACTLY the OP's attitude, down to and including the derogatory phrasing like "I'm ALLOWING you to do this"...Well, when that came down to having to ask permission to open my front door, I woke up, realized what a controlling asshole I was in a relationship with, and got out. The man I have NOW, the one who respects me, and my opinion, and is willing to be my PARTNER and not my DICTATOR is the one that most women would kill for...LOL

Angela - posted on 01/21/2014

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Sandy, my first husband had a similar attitude to Roger, the source of income in our house came in HIS name. Unlike Roger, he didn't earn it - it was welfare benefit money, he didn't work for a living. It would have been very easy for me, if I'd met a man like Roger after my marriage broke down to feel I'd "hit the jackpot" - that I had a man who worked hard for a living, earned plenty of money and provided a wonderful lifestyle. Yes, I would probably, in my ignorance, been extremely grateful for the change in circumstances!

But it's not just about money and the provision of material necessities (and additionally material luxuries). It's about respect!

Before my ex-husband and I split, he was on the verge of obtaining PAID work - yes, gainful employment! What do you think my mother said to me? She said "Listen, all these years he's been signing for unemployment money and the cheque came with HIS name on it and he said it was HIS money and only gave you a pittance. How much more do you think he's going to regard it as HIS money when he's actually EARNING IT? You have 3 sons - is this the role model you want for them?" And she was right - she was only voicing what I was already thinking myself.

I know of a few women who are married to self-important, high-earning control freaks. These men believe the fact they earn a lot of money and provide handsomely for their wives/families makes them invincible and entitled. So their wives, weary of the demeaning treatment they often get - but bogged down in materialism and showing-off remain with these men. Also some will stay put simply for a quiet life and NOT out of greed. Whatever reason they stay, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with honouring marriage vows (although some wives - not to mention their smug husbands - might claim this), it's more about weighing up their lifestyle and deciding what they can afford to lose and what they can't afford to lose. Like I say, it's not always about greed either, it's often about peace of mind and not wanting to upset the status quo. And that's very sad.

I'm very happily married to my 2nd husband. He earns more than I do. We pay a cleaner to come in about 3 or 4 hours a week and clean our house. My children are now grown up.

And Sandy, women who opt to go out to work instead of being a stay-at-home parent don't just do so because the family needs the extra money. That just perpetuates the view that money matters and money is where it's at. Money is always useful of course but it's not just about money.

I didn't go to college, University etc .... to be a stay-at-home spouse, either when the children were small or now that they're grown. In the 1950's not so many women went into further and higher education - times have changed.

By the way I WAS a stay-at-home mother when the kids were small. This wasn't through choice or through some noble plan to be there for my kids. I would have been far happier in work but lived in an area where unemployment was rife and for many years I just wasn't fortunate in being able to find work. That's the truth of it.

I feel that Shawnn (or was it Jodi?) who suggested that Roger has come on here to get some validation for his attitude, behaviour and ethos within his marriage could have a very good point! However, for all we know, Roger's main issue may be the language he uses and the attitude he appears to show on here. He may well be a really great guy who is expressing himself poorly. But one way or another, I'm sure we've given him some insight - and some food for thought!

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2014

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And @ Amrita, I have loved your responses. Just so you know, I am not in any way upset .... I think you had some wonderful things to say and totally agree with you :)

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2014

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Rochelle, I did answer his post. That's the point. You are the one who chose to answer as a single mother. You cannot compare single parenthood with the situation Roger has presented. I can see Roger is trying hard, he really is. But he has come here to us seeking answers as to why his wife may be unhappy and has received various opinions and advice. Answer from single parents saying "I'd give my eye teeth for a man like you" are not really going to help him. That is all I am saying.

User - posted on 01/21/2014

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Hey guys, plz lets not get upset or fight over things.
It is normal for such things to happen on chat forums. :)

Rochelle - posted on 01/21/2014

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I came on this site thinking it would be great to chat to other moms, but if this is what its going to be like, i think not. Such a pity there are people out there looking to ruin a simple thing as a chat forum! Cheers! Have a nice time fighting your way through life.

Rochelle - posted on 01/21/2014

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Jodi - seems as if you're on this forum to pick fights and insult people. You have a very aggressive stance and argumentative nature. I'm SO glad I'm not a man that has to put up with women like you. Stick to answering peoples posts and leave the rest to give their humble opinions. Shame on you.

Jodi - posted on 01/21/2014

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Rochelle, you are a single mother. You would give your eye teeth for anyone who could help you pay the bills instead of having to do it all alone - I get that. But as I mentioned, Roger's wife has a husband who is an equal partner. Roger sounds like he understands that a little better now. His role is not ONLY to to support her financially, but also emotionally and physically. If your only expectation of your partner is to be supported financially, then good for you. But that clearly isn't the case for many women, including the OP's wife (I wouldn't settle for it either - that's what makes him and ex......correction, even my ex does not support financially).

Roger, thank you for coming back and acknowledging that there may be something you need to change. Your wife will appreciate it. I understand you can't give free reign, but do you not trust your wife to understand financial restraints? Is she that irresponsible with the money that you may only give her a particular allowance?

Anyway, I feel you have received advice from many perspectives - hopefully you can find a way that will mean your wife is happy with the way things are working for her. Please just remember, she is a partner, not a child, not a maid, and not a servant. Partner means she is your equal. Never forget that. Always respect her for that.

User - posted on 01/21/2014

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Goodluck Roger. May Lord bless you and your family and keep you in best of situations.
Hope replies helped u in d sense u got the help u were seeking.

Rochelle - posted on 01/21/2014

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Roger, I would give my eye teeth for a man like you, one that works to provide for his family and takes care of them! So in my opinion, I think you're doing a great job! There are so many dead-beat fathers and husbands out there. So good for you.

Roger - posted on 01/21/2014

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woah! thanks for all your replies. Thank you for the positive as well as the negative. I do sense two distinct vibes and im not going to label those by the words they use, but the tone suggests some do have very opinionated views on the issue. Its very easy to see who's content in their own lives and others who are not! Also so many assumptions, again probably based on the posters past experience. I wasnt asking for validation, i asked for opinions, lets get that straight. Why, because if im doing something wrong i want to CHANGE! i used words, like allowance, permission, but i am certainly not a money Hitler. There needs to be some control of the purse strings but everything the OH wants she gets, with very little push back from myself as long as within reason. I earn the paycheck but no i DO NOT have free reign, lets be sensible, bills and essentials first, there needs to be some control. I cannot just buy what i want if it leaves us as a family in debt.

My priority is my family. I WANT my OH to be happy, and she is, we have a 'row' probably 2-3 times a year, but im sensitive and i want my family to be happy so i do look at my behavior. Im not perfect but i acknowledge that. As a result of me coming on here i will never mention or expect the house to be clean, just out of the fear of being labelled controlling, as frankly it scares me. However i trust my partner will do her best for us so im happy with that.

Would my partner feel disrespected that i came on here to ask advice to become a better partner!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!! There are no sides in this, its not a childish game, just the fact you mentioned such a thing clearly highlights the state of mind you are in! ;)

User - posted on 01/20/2014

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i AGREE Jodi.
All i was saying is being alone we have no choice but to do all chores all by ourselves. But r blessed with those tiny bundles of God too.
Having a lazy partner becomes an additional kid at home and that is what exactly i faced. He refused to admit that he is supposed to help and is now with a woman who doesn have kids at all. so things can be much easier. I donno where this will lead him as he may have kids with her too and then leave her and stay with someone else lol.
That is why i mentioned in my previous comments, plz help her as u r a family and Roger does feel a part of that family and loves them is what i read. But changes need to be made. And they will come slowly.
Roger is not replying to any of our comments though lol. Is he scared or surprised? lol

Jodi - posted on 01/20/2014

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While I respect that a number of the ladies here are high fiving themselves for having done it all on their own, and that this lady is lucky (because yes, it is hard to do it on your own, been there done that too), the fact is, the wife of the OP has a partner, and therefore, that means she shouldn't HAVE to do it all on her own. No one person in a household should have to be fully responsible for every household chore and everything to do with the children when there are two adults there to share some of the load. I don't care HOW hard the partner works. If you will accept a relationship like this, then that's your choice. I wouldn't. And clearly, the OP's wife has a problem with it too, or he wouldn't be here.

So going on about how you did it all on your own as a single parent, so she should suck it up is hardly comparing apples with apples. If you are separated/divorced from your ex partners now and they used to be lazy assholes when you were with them too, then let that be a message to the OP. I was married to one of them once too. Funny how they are all exes, right? Maybe the OP should pay heed to that and help his wife out occasionally, and give her a more equal role in the partnership.

Rochelle - posted on 01/20/2014

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Amrita - awesome job mom! Keep it up! And yes, rewards will be ours. We are strong and blessed women!

User - posted on 01/20/2014

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Thank you Rochelle and Sandy, this inspires me as I'm in d same boat. father of kids left when i conceived my second baby, but was never even there for first one too, ZERO help, from grandparents or anyone else. Worked till 38 weeks full-time with a toddler having to do everything else myself (groceries, finances, chores, and list can go on). Schedule still goes the same. But i feel blessed to see my kids. God bless all of u too and I'm proud to see women doing so good at multitasking. U know wt? Rewards will be equally wonderful trust me :) hugs.
Single mum of 2 angels
Amrita

Jodi - posted on 01/20/2014

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See, I don't think there is anything to celebrate in "having to do it all". It actually shouldn't ever be that way.

Rochelle - posted on 01/20/2014

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Sandy, yes - maybe someday "lucky moms" will realise how good they actually have it. I've only ever dreamt of that life. But WELL DONE to moms like us who really know the true meaning of literally having to do it all and succeeding! ;)

[deleted account]

Rochelle- finally! Someone who agrees with me! I had 'her' life for years. I had it good. I did a bit of complaining and looking back, I shouldn't have. She DOES have it lucky.
Then for many years - I lived like you. I did EVERYTHING and there was no outside help from family or anyone, no time-outs for mom, just go non-stop busy, falling into bed each night. (My child also has ADHD, so it was even more of challenge.) Did absolutely everything and it wasn't easy. But you do what you have to do as a mom.
When/if she goes back to work full-time, she'll see how lucky she was.

Rochelle - posted on 01/20/2014

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Wow, what a nice life she has. In my opinion, she really has it great. Im a single mom, work a 5 day week, have never received anything (financial or other) from the father since conception. On only my income I pay the bills, do the groceries, do the laundry, do the ironing, clean the house, make the meals, do the dishes, fetch and carry my son from school, help with homework and projects, go to church with him on sundays, and everything else that needs to be squeezed in, is squeezed in. No, there are no grandparents or family where he gets dropped off so that I can have "time out". Life just goes on. So in my humble opinion, she has the life of a QUEEN!! What exactly is she complaining about...

User - posted on 01/19/2014

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From where i come from, my children;s father never wanted to admit in the first place that he is a couch potato and said to me "Am i supposed to do all this?" i was like what the hell? In comparison to what i have seen even in my own mothers house, where dad didn't do anything at all except going to work and coming back (i do not need any comments on my dad at all or ill become a mad bitch), it was ll my grandma's fault. she never allowed him to work and give a helping hand at home, and my mum suffered all her life because of this (she was also a working woman throughout her life and still is just like my dad). Even if sometimes my dad would try to make changes and help little bit at home, my grandma used to stop him saying we will do it, why r u doing it.
NO. WRONG.

Compared to this, Roger you know that u can make changes and u want to. And i know u will. I would request not to get affected by harsh words that women have used. Really harsh.

They may be expressing their feelings but chose wrong language. I have gone through same in my mum's house and now am single mum of 2 kids, father of my children left me pregnant and got married to another woman, huh. donno if i should say TYPICAL INDIAN OR TYPICAL MEN lol.

Take it easy and try to balance work and life, it will help. I was the first one to respond, if u wish to read my previous email to you, scroll down till the end.
Goodluck.

Jai - posted on 01/18/2014

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Good. Perhaps the men should rethink seeking validation from strange women and make an appointment (with their wives) for marriage counseling :) Seek a professional Roger, and save your marriage.

Jai - posted on 01/18/2014

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Exactly! We definitely aren't doing them any favor's by throwing him some verbal cookies, you know? There's definitely room for improvement. My husband was a LOT like Roger 6 years ago (and I even loved him then too). Anyway, we've been together for 9 years now. However, 6 years ago we went to a marriage counselor...and if we hadn't done that, we'd be divorced. (I'm serious, I moved out and we we're on our way to a divorce)
The marriage counselor (who we saw for about 1 year) spent a LOT of time teaching us how to communicate, and the first thing she worked on was passive aggressive manipulation through words (just like Roger uses). There are lots of men who were never taught to communicate (by their moms). Roger seems like one. He needs to update his thought processes and certainly needs to fix his communication skills.

Margaret - posted on 01/17/2014

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hi I think maybe she just feels like hurt when you did not responed to the laundry. so time we just get really up set when we feel . we are not respected for what we do in the home . just try to talk to her maybe out to dinner and say you do understand how she feels but you also have feeling to . please can we just talk about it. and both be on same page . if you love one another you will get over this . but please talk it out not shouting it will not get you to any where.. anger just make it ten time worse. and if she can not keep up with the house . than may be talk about house keeper maybe she just do not want to say it . because may be she thinks she has failed in some way. I hope this helps some how . good luck and god bless you both. keep your chin up

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