uninterested but demanding ex

Amy - posted on 02/25/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

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i had my daughter in june last i was 3 months when i found out i was pregnant and when i told my then partner he totaly ignored me and got into a relationship with someone else even booked a ticket to america i told him every date of scans and hospital app and let him know that they would help him deal with getting over the shock but he just didnt care he even stopped talking to his family because they were telling him he needs to grow up anyways he was made cancel the ticket and lost like 2000E and was there when our daughter was born he held her for about a half hour and i was so bad i was rushed in for an emergency section after 31 hours labour and he wouldnt even stay there overnight to help with the baby as i was so druged induced he rarly came to see her and when he did he was always ont he phone to gis gf and when i let him take her out for the day just the two of them to connect he only brought her up to his sisters where all her firends lived and she was passed pillar to post so ther was no bonding so in aug i stopped him seeing her i asked him to contribute 25E week to help with her food and nappies and he refused saying he was a student but he was working two jobs all summer !! i finally let him see her x mass morning and st stephens day we went to visit his family then he called the end of jan and only stayed 2 hours because he was going out so while he was up i had to yet again explain she needs routine that he is to come up one day every weeknend so she can get to know him and trust him and then he can take her over night when i feel she is ready and he is ready to look after her properly but when i rang him the wknd he told me he was too busy so i told him to stay away i wasnt going to have that yet again after so many chances and he just keeps saying give me her for the wknd without you that will solve all problems but what kind of mother would i be if i just handed my daughter over to a stranger with no experience with her ,, im the only one she has been with since day one .. its getting me soo down because iv tried everything mediation given him my house to call to so no contact centre for his comfort and he keeps treating me like i did something wrong and makes me so mad and i dont want that attitude around my daughter but he just wont listen to me and keeps doing what he wants showing up when he wants doenst even tx or call often i feel like im going insane and need some advice.. so sorry for the long post but feel like i needed to explain some of the situation

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Amy - posted on 03/09/2014

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thanks to everyone for your comments last night daddy had baby fort he night delighted i finally faced up and realised its for my benifit not only for my daughters and tbh we havnt got on as good in the last few months like we have the last few days my trust issues with him have slowly began to subside... better now than down the line when it will be more difficult for her to be away from me and im delighted the the night went good.... he really seems to have steped up after his carefree 9 months and hoping to organize every 2nd wknd so thank you all for your comments better days ahead my daughter will now have best of both worlds... :)

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/06/2014

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Amy, you're not getting it. You say you're trying to have him involved, but he keeps telling you he's 'busy'. But you're DICTATING the terms of his involvement.

Have you seen a solicitor and had orders drawn up outlining each parent's responsibilities, duties, and schedule? If not, stop dictating to the man. Stop trying to make him feel like you're doing him a bloody favour by deigning to let him know his daughter.

You complain that you're uptight, that you don't want her to be in distress with someone who doesn't know her needs, BUT YOU'VE NEVER GIVEN HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO GET TO KNOW HER WITHOUT YOU. You've had that opportunity, why is HE different? Because he's MALE? Or because you don't want to be 'with' him anymore, and the easiest way to keep him out of your life is to deny his access to his child?

Either way...You're not getting it.

Get a solicitor. Get orders set. Follow those orders, whether you agree with them or not.

Amy - posted on 03/06/2014

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yes evelyn as of today iv organised to let him have her while i go out on my tue eve training i guess just as a new mum m being too proective i just didnt want her to be in any distress and for him to be left there not knowing what to do with her when she is crying, but i do have to see past that i just needed the courage to do it i suppose i hope this will get him to see how amazing she really is... when i was letting him come around he didnt want to and i busted my ass to try and get him to be involved so when i finally gave up trying and just told him to leave us alone that she wasnt that important to him then 3 months later he asked could he come up fro x mass and i was delighted he came up x mass morning before she woke up and spent all st stevens day with her down in his home town then that was it he didnt contact us till the 31st jan saying he was too busy now i understand he is a student in his last year of college but a few hours the wknd is much to ask or even a call or a text to see how she is then when he called up i told him that since he wasnt working on the wknds anymore that he can come up every saturday fro a few hours that i would even pay something towards petrol so whe the following sat came i asked him what time he would be up he then told me he cant he is too busy only for there to be pics all over facebook of him down with the gf family and spending time with her nephew that realy hurt so yet again i told him sort out his priorities..... its only the last few days we have been talking and Tuesdays are a better day for him to come up 5-9 and this was the forst time iv actually sen him pay her as much attention as he did now we have been getting along.. so how have i been stopping him from having a relationship with her ?i dictate terms because she is 9 months old and knows a stranger from ppl that she has know since she was born,i told him that its important he be ther fro her needles as alot of people are against their kids having them and he can get information if he wants it if i cant answer any questions... all iv ever done is tried to have him involved, as i said im my previous comment yes my daughter is mine i made her im her mother doesnt mean she is my possesion like i bought her but i have a responsibility as a mother to keep her safe inc her physically, emotionally ect and if her father feels liek he can play games with her then im sorry i will not allow it im just asking for advice as what other methods i can use to try and make this situation work...

Jodi - posted on 03/05/2014

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Of course she doesn't know who he is - you haven't let him be around her without you!!!

You also can't dictate HOW he is going to be involved in her life (eg, he has to be there for her needles, etc). I don't think you are understanding this. She is the child of BOTH of you, she is not yours. You still cannot stop him having a relationship with her. How is he going to develop a relationship if you keep dictating all the terms ? You are clearly not understanding that if you continue to do this you MAY lose your child permanently. Is that what you want?

Being a mother does not give you ownership. Period.

Ev - posted on 03/05/2014

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The thing is you still can not withhold him from having a relationship with her. One day he may decide to be a better part of her life and want to be able to have her in his. Holding her away, telling him when he can see or not see her, and so on is going to make him not want to do so or try because you CUT HIM OFF from her. How is he going to learn to care for her if you do not give him the chance to try? You see when you tell something enough that seems negative, that person is going to react accordingly. So by you telling him when, where, why and how he gets to see his child, its gonna scare him off and make him not want to because YOU SET THE STANDARD TOO HIGH. You almost sound like you want a perfect father and no man or even a woman is perfect. If you would be reasonable and try to work with him instead, maybe he might turn around and be the kind of person you want for your daughter to know.

As for her being a miracle and all, I understand that. Each child is one. And sometimes cirucmstances make them more so of a miracle. One of my own children was supposed to not be normal. I was supposed to give birth to a child with such harsh genetic problems he would not live according to the doctors. I have a sweet, caring, compassionate, and protective young man now at 17. He is every much as normal as another kid in most respects. In others, he is not. But he is my son. And I would not think of keeping him from his father because his father did not get how to handle taking care of a kid well because he never had to bother when we were married and I did it all.

Its not about you anymore. Its about her. Its about the chance to know her father. And if you dictate all the time, he won't want to come see her because her mother is making it impossible.

Amy - posted on 03/05/2014

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i wont leave him mind her because she doesnt know who he is thats why iv been blue int he face trying to get him involved and get so frustrated when he wont come up to spend the time to build a bond with her id only love to call him up and ask him to watch her and have her fro a night and let me have a little break its just sad that i still have to explain why he cant take her on his own just yet and my reasons being he never built a bond with her and she gets strange around people after a little while and wants me to take her i just dont think thats right to put her through if i just let him take her and hour and a half drive away knowing that she will be crying for me...enelyn my daughter is not a possesion so dont try and say thats what i think of her . diagnosed with indometriosis at 15 i was told that i couldnt have children and i was also on the pill when i concieved this little girl is a miracle to me an innocent human being that is going to be growing up confused as to why her daddy keeps letting her down and cant be bothered to come up to see her .. when i tell him to stay away from us is soley because i dont want him to be a half ass dad she deserves better and if he is going to be there i want him in board which includes being there when she gets her needles , visiting when he says he is going to visit, and to have patience in the whole routine of getting to know her and building a bond not confusing her by showing up one week then leaving it like a month or longer to call for only 2 hours ... i know myself the courts will organise a contact centre for himt o se eher at certain times on certain days and he has told me he wont do that !!

Jodi - posted on 03/02/2014

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I know, Evelyn, I wonder about that too. It's quite concerning. Our children are not our possessions, so we shouldn't treat them as one.

Michelle - posted on 03/02/2014

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The others are right, you don't have any right to deny him a relationship with his daughter and you can't dictate the terms of his visitation.
You 2 are already "battling it out" and being bitter towards each other without the court system so you may as well get things set by the courts.
Like Jodi said: You can still go out on Tuesday nights as that will be his time with his daughter. They aren't going to form a bond if you keep them apart or hang around. She isn't your possession to dictate who gets to look after her, she is a child that has a right to spend time alone with her father.

Jodi - posted on 03/02/2014

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So if he isn't paying, file for child support! You can't complain he's not paying if you haven't filed. And no, you don't have a right to tell him whether he can see her or not. Only the courts have that right. If you don't want to be "battling" it out in court, let him develop a relationship with his daughter. It's not up to you to give him any level of custody and eventually, it won't be up to you to keep it out of court if you keep disallowing him from time with his child - HE will file and you won't have a choice.

I am also not understanding why you have to give up your time out of the house to let him visit his child. You have a babysitter right there on Tuesdays 5-9.

Amy - posted on 03/02/2014

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i know i cant but he doesnt care about our daughter all he wants is to take her for the wknd when he has only seen her a handful of times since she was born he has never paid a penny for her and is too interested in his personal life to bother coming up to see her on a regular basis so i think i do have a right to tell him he cant see her becaus ethats the only way i can get him to come up and its not because he wants to its because iv told him he cant iv already gone through mediation and he still wont listen to what steps iv put in place i have absolutely no intention of giving him any type of custody at all the reason iv been keeping away from court is because i dont want my daughter dragged through the system like i was as a child with my parents battling and being bitter towards each other, he has now said that saturdays are a no no for him because he has to study all that day... so tuesday from 5-9 but they are my evenings to go my two hours training and now i have to give up the only thing that gets me out of the house all week to suit him or else he wont come up to see her at all!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/25/2014

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Get some court orders. Quit dictating your terms to him. Get solicitors, get mediators, whatever it takes to get orders dictating what each of you is to be held responsible for.

Jodi - posted on 02/25/2014

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YOu can't keep telling him when he can and can't see his daughter, when he should and shouldn't, how much he should pay, and so on. It seems like both of you are just wanting it all your way and clearly the two minds are not meeting.

What you need to do is have some court orders (or court approved parenting orders) spelling out custody and visitation. You should also file for child support, then there are no doubts about what his contribution should be,

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