Uninvolved Grandparents

Jamie - posted on 10/19/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My parents live out of town, about hour and half away, his parents live across town, maybe 10 minutes. My parents drive down to see her once a week and sometimes take her over night so my family back home can see her, I work in child reintergraton so I never can go back home. His parents see her maybe once a month and that is because we take her over there. However, they complain that they never see her and ask why we never bring her to see them??????

If they want to see her shouldn't they come over and see her? I shouldn't have to take her over there all the time so she won't think they are strangers....

this is causing a strain on our relationship, he thinks one thing and i think he is wrong:)

I could use some help

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Louise - posted on 10/20/2010

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I think you should nip over there and tell them they are welcome any time to see you. Tell them to just pick up the phone to check your in and then come. My parents and my husbands parents have never been involved with out kids as they basically can't be bothered to disrupt their social lives. We have always said they are welcome but rarely do they visit us we have to drive to them and upset our routine. I think you have to compromise here invite them over for dinner and try and tell them how welcome they are and see what happends. You have a busy life to and it they want to be part of your childs life then they have to make an effort!

Amy - posted on 10/19/2010

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Do you invite his parents over they maybe waiting for an invitation. They probably don't feel comfortable just stopping over. Invite them over once a week if they continually turn you down then you can talk to your husband but I would at least offer up an invitation putting the ball in their court!

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Mary - posted on 10/01/2012

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My husband and I are grandparents who have lived 10 minutes away for over four years, and we're still waiting for a whole-hearted invitation to visit. Neither of us is the type of person to simply 'drop-in', nor would it be welcomed.



Not having seen our son, daughter-in-law, and grandson for several weeks, we offered to bring brunch to their home this Saturday or Sunday. We were turned down because the in-laws (same state, about 2.5 hours away) are going to be there. I don't know why that would preclude us bringing enough food for everyone....



We're an extended family, so we must plan get-togethers around in-laws as well as an ex-spouse, so we end up hosting every third or fourth holiday at our home. If we didn't do that, we wouldn't see much of our grandchildren unless an emergency babysitting service was needed.



SO, the question is: What kind of effort do you REALLY make to include your husband's parents?

Francine - posted on 08/23/2012

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I had the same problem with my mother in law. She lived in town, my parents live 10 hours away. She complained why my parents saw our 2 boys more often then she did and I simply told her it was because my parents took the time to visit with them, you live in town and you never want to make time for them, so basically I left the ball in her court and said that she was always welcomed to have her time with the boys. Well it wasn't long after this conversation that she started calling more often to visit them.

Gale - posted on 08/21/2012

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I know what your going through, my in-laws don't spend time with my son either we invite them to stay a week so my son can warm up, they won't, they rather weed then spend time with him and they do! We were finally able to take a trip up to visit them, and they spent the time visiting my SIL who they saw last week and we don't get along with her so now we are done with them we have given them chance and when they complain that they want to see him more we tell them they had all the time in the world to see him they chose not to so no more complaint they are the adult he the child so they need to grow up. Relationship is two way we are not going to make efFort if it not going to be met half way or at all, my son has other people that want to see him

User - posted on 08/20/2012

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My parents live 3 hours away and my mom comes to visit about once every 2 months, and my dad has seen my little girl (now 16months old) about 5 times in her whole life. I understand how frustrated you are and I think it's very important for grandparents to make more of an effort. Especially with your family so close! I think a lot of people in that generation(baby boomers) are still wrapped up in their own lives, and they are just plain selfish at times. At least that is my experience with my parents. My dad didn't even see Rylee when she was born because he felt that he needed to go vacation to his property even though he knew my induction date.
My mom now throws every excuse in the book. I share your frustration completely. Just make an effort....afterall, they are the grandparents and it's very important for children to feel loved and spoiled by their grandparents.

Disheartened parent.

Jamie - posted on 10/20/2010

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I have invited them over, don't get me wrong I probably haven't don't it enough, but they show up at late at night when we are trying to get her to go down for bed and want he to stay up and play. I don't want to be rude, but she is a routined baby if she does get to sleep when she is suppose to she is be up all night. I have always wondered if they do it on purpose, I know tha sounds bad but that way they dont' have to stay long.
When we do go over there and we leave her alone in a room with them she screams and cries(its the deathly scary cry like someone is killing her) till she can't breath and won't stop till we come back in the room. That isn't normal.
I am at a loss of what to do........

Tracey - posted on 10/20/2010

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If there are problems with physically seeing any family members why not get some webcams then they can see the baby without leaving home?

Jessica - posted on 10/20/2010

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Well you have gotten some good advice so far! I agree that you should invite them over. They may not feel welcome and don't want to invite themselves over. Maybe you guys could compromise and go back and forth. I don't think that either side should have to always be the one to visit. My family never visits me. I always have to go to them and it drives me insane. When I get complaints about how they don't see their grandson I just say hey it is a 2 way street! My ex b/f's mother who is no way in relation to my son is WAY more involved in my son's life then either of my parents have been! and I just find that extremely ridiculous. She is an amazing woman and I don't want to remove her from his life b/c she is really good to him and he needs a grandma that appreciates and wants him. The only time my mom comes over is when she wants me to baby sit my younger sister and I only see my dad when I move into a new place and when I go to his house. I am now expecting a second child with a different person and it seems that we are going to have the same problem with his family. I have MAJOR issues with his mother who said she wasn't ready to be a grandmother yet and his father just isn't very involved. His step mother is probably going to be seeing our daughter more then ne one at all. It is just crazy how families work and it seems to be that there is one side of every family that just doesn't take the initive that they should to see their grandchildren and we just have to get over it...I guess. If they want to complain that is their problem. You and your husband need to both understand where each other are coming from and try to work through it b/c it isn't something that you should fight about. There is no reason to put even a tiny strain on your relationship b/c of something like that!

Ashley - posted on 10/20/2010

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I dont really know what to tell you my husbands parents are either not allowed to be involved or choose not to.. his father is just not a very social person so we invite him to things he shows then leaves and we dont see him again til something else comes up and his mother is NOT allowed around anymore she has been giving many many chances to be involved and has wanted nothing to do with the kids then decides hey maybe I should see them and then nothing for another yr or so she wont come to any birthday parties then says its my fault ( my oldest 1st birthday she tried to say she got a email from our account that me and my husband share and it said that husbands dads side was coming to the party to bitch her out for the stuff she has done to husbands father well my husband knew he didnt send the email so shes saying I did) her and my husband havent really talked since our oldest was 8 months old she is now almost 3 and will be on nov 6th .. so I dont really know what to tell you all you can do is invite them if they dont come its their loss you shouldnt have to go out of your way to make them see their grandchild... I stopped that along time ago husbands mom would only see oldest if we met her at Tim Hortons(local coffee place) and husbands father would wait for us to stop by his work its just to much when you have a already busy life to cater to grandparents wants too

Nicole - posted on 10/20/2010

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Hello ,never an easy thing but yes communication is the key maybe just be casual at first & invite them over for a casual dinner then have a conversation letting them know that they are welcome anytime over .Try it ,there isn't always a magic solution one must try and see thats all you can do I lived through this and there isn't always a solution & sometimes there is ...Good luck ...
Nicole xo

Charne - posted on 10/20/2010

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With us, its the opposite. My mother in law lives 5min away and my parents 45min. However, my mother in law comes around to our house and we go there, but my parents come very seldom, and then moan they don't see him, which means Im always the one that has to drive up and down for them to see their grandchild.

[deleted account]

I've had similar problems with my in-laws. They have never invited us over to theirs so we don't feel comfortable going over. Yet we've invited them to ours plenty of times. They do occasionally ask to take him out though and the frequency has increased lately which is good. Just tell them they're welcome to come over anytime and then it's their choice =]

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