unruly step daughter

Amber - posted on 05/19/2015 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Ok.so here's my situation, I am a mother to 2 children of my own and also 2 step daughters. My step daughter's mother is always in and out of jail and on drugs. (Well Known druggie in my town) she is always letting the girls down, and I am there to lift them back up. Well, she got of jail the day after Easter, and hasn't tried calling the girls or coming to see them since... until last night when she called out of the blue. My 8 year old step daughter went crazy after they hung up saying how much she hated me, and how I wasn't her mother. (Their dad was working late) after daddy got home, she proceeded to tell him he was a horrible father who cares nothing about them. I just don't know how to handle rid anymore! I need advice fast!!

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Sashae - posted on 05/19/2015

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Sure welcome. Happy to have you. What would you like advise on. There's a lot of topic.

Sashae - posted on 05/19/2015

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They just turn on you.(didn't mean to post that yet btw) they treat like you nasty all day and dad comes home and their all sweet and innocent. So you complaining just seems crazy. Even to you. You just don't understand it and it seems crazy. And hence shower detox. Lol. I really only have one SD and she's young so she mold able and sometimes I know her anger or disrespect or downright ignoring of me, Even if I'm speaking directly to her has nothing to do with me. I know I've been nothing but supportive and loving and kind. And I feel so good that you could think you can open up to me. I'm honestly honored. It's easier to talk to someone in the same situation as you shearing experience rather than someone who more of a "well if I was in that situation" because each day is a challenge and to tell a stepmom that she knew what she was getting into is the ultimate sweep under the rug. We must take of us. Doesn't seem anyone is willing to. And I get that you don't want to trouble ur husband after his long day. I feel the same way and I keep a lot in just because of that. I'm glad I found u

Sashae - posted on 05/19/2015

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Are you kidding I'm happy I found the article. I literally did a yay! When I saw you responded. I mean of course we made the mutual decision to do it and I do realise it would be a sacrifice but It happen very quickly and I wasn't mentally prepared. So it even though it wasn't, it did felt like I was thrown into it. The BM was not a fan of it. But of course like I said she wasn't into the getting up early and caring for her children. So i was convenient. Most time that's how I feel just down right convenient. But I love being convenient. It's a lot of work and on the outside it doesn't look like a lot but when you get into it. It's unbelievable. But it's rewarding when I hear her say something and I get a ha ha. I thought her that. And yes sometimes I

Amber - posted on 05/19/2015

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Oh wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this! I couldn't fathom having to quit my job to home school. I understand that you love your SD unconditionally, but having to quit your job to home school her when she won't even listen to you is upsetting I'm sure! I can see why you have wine and break downs! One of my SD yells and screams at me while her dad is at work athe minute he gets home she completely changes. My other SD is completely different though, she calls me mom(her own decision) and sees what her mother is doing to them. I just really don't understand. I'm really glad you responded to this btw. For some reason I really feel like I can open up to you! Not trying to sound weird lol

Sashae - posted on 05/19/2015

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Well ish. Lol. Look at this way. Because of the bullying and the mother's negligence. My fiancé decided to take her pull time. She was living with her full time. So I was asked to quit my job to homeschool her. And I wasn't thrill to be honest. I love my SD dearly but to be with her all day with her discipline problem was asking a lot. So now she's free from her bullies to bully me. It's a slow aggravating process however. But I hope it will payoff. She doesn't listen in the beginning it was just awful. Id much rather tear my own hair out. Because her mom said she didn't need to listen to me so you can see how that doesn't make it easy as her teacher. We have great materials and it's coming along well. For me I drink wine and have nervous breakdowns in the shower. More breakdowns than wine tho lol. Not sure if I'm telling hubby about this. I want this all to myself. I need something all to myself. It's so funny as I write this she's in the process telling her dad I yelled at her in school and she didn't like it. Lol. It's so funny I raised my voice yes but I hardly called it shouting. Now he's helping her with her homework. 15 mins and he's already fustrated to my eight hours daily. With everything else I do and yes we do deserve to complain sometimes. I bottle up so much emotions I walk around shaking.

Amber - posted on 05/19/2015

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I actually just joined today lol. I was telling my hubby about it and he said he was glad I had someone to relate with. And yes I completely agree with you, it does sound like complaining, but damn it we deserve to complain every once in a while! Lol I just wish the BMs would realize we are here to love the girls just like they do! I hate hear about your SD being bullied! Did everything turn out ok?

Sashae - posted on 05/19/2015

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I just discovered this magical world a few days ago and had to join. Its my first time talking about it to anyone even virtually. Because it sounds like complaining. And that's the thing that stops us in our tracks when we try to say something. But bio parents complain about children and each other's behavior all the time. It's not bad if we get concern too. I always feel like I'm over stepping. And she use to make me feel that way. But truth is the children are as much apart of my family as they are hers. Especially when they plan to spend the rest of their life with you. Things need to be discuss. Like that, leaving the kids at school. Can you imagine the hell we would get if we did that. If only they could work with us. And understand that we are here to help not replace. My SD was being bullied in school and instead of going to the school like I suggest they both did have a talk with the bully's parents and see where the trouble is steaming from, how to fix it etc. they wanted until she got hurt pretty badly before anything was done. Because I needed to mind my business. In my head that's what I was doing. Protecting my family.

Amber - posted on 05/19/2015

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Oh I completely understand.... one time when the girls still lived with her, our oldest called me from school bc BM wasn't there to pick them up from school. After I got there to get them, I took them to the store to get groceries for dinner Bc BM wasn't answering her phone. I got home and fixed lasagna (their favorite) when she shows up to pick them up out of the blue at 6:00 pm (3 &1/2 hrs after school was out with no word from her) with the excuse she fell asleep! I was so mad! But all I could do was smile and tell the girls I loved them.

Sashae - posted on 05/19/2015

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In my experience the BM didn't want to be bother with the taking care of her daughter part. She just wanted to make the situation within my household as difficult ad possible. I remember making a meal plan once because the Youngest was a picky eater and it was working for awhile and what did she do. Oh took them for the weekend fed them nothing but fast
food and ice cream, which I asked the BD to tell her not to because she was recovering from a cold. The child return sick and back to her old eating habits. All my hardwork down the drain. Sometimes the BM will put her child in harms way just to prove a point. It annoys me that we have her all week now and then on the weekend after telling the kids she's coming she doesn't. Not call to explain or anything. And of course they take their anger out at me. Half the time I just feel defeated.

Amber - posted on 05/19/2015

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Thank you so much sashae! I'm so glad to know someone else knows what I'm going through! The girls know I love them, and I know they love me. This only happens when bio mom decides to pop back in the picture every few months, but it never gets any easier. It kills me to see her so upset, and I don't understand how any parent (especially a mother) could put their own child through that! It infuriates me!

Sashae - posted on 05/19/2015

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I get the aggravation that can come from being in that situation and being in there my self I think I understand how you feel. It can be hard not to feel like the victim tho, when you are the one caring for them and being there for them and one call or visit from bio mom and suddenly you are the devil. It had catch me off guard so many times it's just funny now. So I don't have children of my own so it hurts when I try to reach out to my kids and we have a system that works and then here come super destroyer as I like to call her in my head. I have never and won't bad mouth here anywhere but here lol. The kids have never heard me say a bad word to them about her, tho she had said terrible things about me. I understand the catch in the middle and that's obvious. With what's happening I'm sure they are upset and worried for there mother. Children wear there hearts on their sleeves. It's obvious to naturally love your parents more and be more forgiving towards them. As a step mother you just have to show them that you are not trying take their mothers place. Continue to show them you love and support them. I'm use to the children coming back early because there mom who gets them on the weekends is too tired. Just keep the faith and I'm so happy to have this resources to help and get help.

Amber - posted on 05/19/2015

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Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it, I have done all the things you said lol. Right now we are waiting on a court date to get full custody. The girls mother dropped them off at our house because "she couldn't handle them anymore". I have never talked bad about their mother. I have had to but my tongue a few times though. The oldest (12) sees right through her mother. She even calls me mom :) I love these girls like my own.

Raye - posted on 05/19/2015

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You have to understand that the girls are caught in the middle. They didn't ask to be in that situation, and they are victims of their circumstances. It's horrible that the mother would try to poison the girls against you and their father, since you are their chance at having a happy childhood. And it's the mother you should be mad at, not the girls. If you can sit and talk to the girls about how much you do care for them and how everything you do is for them. Don't make it sound like it's an inconvenience to care for them. Show them you do care and that you will care no matter what, and it's not an inconvenience. These girls are hurting. They don't understand what's better for them. They don't understand that an adult would lie to them, let alone their own mother. Don't talk bad about her, but you may have to explain that she's wrong.

What is the custody agreement? Does it allow for visitation when she's out of jail? if she's not permitted unsupervised access to them, you may want to tell her when she calls that you/your husband will be listening in and at the first mention of a lie the phone call will end. If she wants to be in communication with the girls, she needs to be respectful. The children can love her AND love you & your husband. It's not a competition. Let her know she's not hurting you with her lies, she's only hurting her kids and making them unhappy. Her lies will not make her look better to the kids. They will find out the truth and be more hurt. So she really needs to stop.

I hope you can work it out and continue to offer the girls the safe, loving home life they deserve.

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