Unsupportive Husband

Divya - posted on 05/26/2016 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I'm the mother of a 4 month old.. It's so difficult to look after the baby day n night.. My husband doesn't help me at all.. I have to do all the house hold chores, all the babies work and also look after the baby all alone.. He never wakes up at night to feed the baby since he has to work the next day.. He thinks I relax and can sleep whenever the baby sleeps during the day.. Will someone asks him who does his laundry and fold his clothes ? I'm getting so tired.. My baby doesn't sleep easily.. I have to rock him and walk with him for half an hour every time to make him sleep... My husband just sits around with his feet up n watches me do it... I'm getting so tired... He doesn't let me keep help.. He says things to me like I'm the baby's maid... Is anyone else also experiencing something similar ?

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Michelle - posted on 05/27/2016

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Ok, so this has been going on since you met. You have allowed him to treat you like that so it will take a bit for him to realize that he shouldn't.
I would suggest couples counseling, that way you can talk to each other with a 3rd party around and it may sink in with him a bit more.
You'll also have to keep on at him to do things until he does them without asking, just like a child.
Hopefully you will learn not to do everything for your child. It's your job to teach them how to live and that includes household chores.

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Sarah - posted on 05/27/2016

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No, I don't think it is your fault, and I never mean to say or imply as such. What confused me was you said you were at your parents house and also that: "First 2 weeks after my baby was born he was so fond of the baby that the baby refused to sleep with me.."

Divya - posted on 05/27/2016

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Sarah- In India every girl goes to her parents house for delivery and comes back after 4-5 months. I went for only 1 and I went 1 month after the baby was born.. My husband went to his parents place for few days.. My baby is 4 months old.. Dont u think 3 months are enough for him to deal with a baby ?? And I have tolerated his laziness by force not by choice.. No one like to do everything on their own.. I have told him several times to help me.. Your talking as if its my fault that he's not helping me..

Sarah - posted on 05/27/2016

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I am curious about this: "I went to my mother's house for a month after delivery. "
Why? Was there a reason you did not go home, did your hubby go with you or stay alone at home? How did you expect him to learn to deal with a baby if you were gone?
I agree with Michelle W., You have tolerated his laziness and sloppiness for 3 years, why would he change now? Get a third party involved, that way it isn't just you complaining, another educated adult is in the discussion and can call him out on his behavior. It really should not have come to this! Couples need to talk about division of labor, who will work, who will care for baby, who will get up at night and so on; BEFORE the baby is born. I do think women have certain instincts with newborns that men do not have, they learn what we come by naturally.

Divya - posted on 05/26/2016

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Sarah- I tried that too.. I tried to leave the laundry un done.. But the basket overflows and still he does nothing... As far as folding clothes is concerned he prefers the clothes to be piled on a chair instead of being folded and kept nicely arranged.. I went to my mother's house for a month after delivery. When I came back his entire wardrobe was lying in my baby's cradle.. He just can't get over the bachelor's way of living.. He doesn't like to keep our house looking good.. He eats snacks and throws the packest on the sofa or table... I've told him enough number of times in the last 3 years.. He just doesn't seem to get it...

Divya - posted on 05/26/2016

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Michelle- Yes his mother did every thing for him... But he stayed alone for 8 years before he married me where he had to do every thing on his own.. He just takes me granted.. It's been 3 years since I got married and he still does nothing..

Sarah - posted on 05/26/2016

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Having a baby is an enormous adjustment, and it is stressful for any couple. I agree that you should not have to hound him to help you with tasks. Ideally he would see that you need help and pitch in. I did not have an ideal situation with my husband and our first baby. My son cried so much I nearly lost my mind. My husband just had no tolerance to hold him when he cried. Before the baby arrived, I did a greater portion of the household chores, more because I preferred my laundry done a certain way, and I new how to cook a bit better. So when baby arrived I did start feeling resentful (I was depressed as well), I wasn't feeling so pretty, my boobs were killing me, the baby cried all the time and I still was cooking and cleaning and doing the lion's share of the chores. All the while I was getting angrier and angrier. I was complaining to my mom about it, and she said to me "Mark doesn't know any better, he can't read your mind, if you need help, tell him" I guess I am saying, don't ask; tell him. Tell him there is wash to fold, dishes to wash, carpet to vacuum. If he doesn't do it, then leave it. This doesn't have to be a passive aggressive thing, just remind him that the chores need doing and you are too busy with the baby to do them all. If you don't fix this, you are going to get angrier and more resentful.

Michelle - posted on 05/26/2016

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Did his Mother do everything for him? Did he go straight from home to living with you?
If so, then that's your problem. He has always had someone else do everything so why should he. You will have to keep asking him to do things until he realizes what needs to be done. Just like having children and teaching them.

Divya - posted on 05/26/2016

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He spends max 1 hour with the baby everyday.. Because of which my baby doesn't sleep when he rocks him... First 2 weeks after my baby was born he was so fond of the baby that the baby refused to sleep with me... now all he cares about is his work... And yes I have told him several times to share the house hold chores... Like filling empty bottles of water our doing the laundry.. He does it only when I tell him... I can't be after him every day to do these things... If he can't remember to put clothes for waking when he sees them over flowing from the laundry basket i donno what to say... He just doesn't want to help..

Sarah - posted on 05/26/2016

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I learned when I had my first that father's are not always instinctive in nurturing. If he is literally sitting there watching you coax the baby to sleep, then hand him the baby. Have you asked him to help, to either fold the laundry or hold the baby, either clear the dishes or bathe the baby. He can't read your mind. I breastfed, so it made no sense for my spouse to get up with our babies, and when they were itty -bitty he was really uncomfortable handling them. By 4 months they are less floppy and cry less so he can certainly manage her for a bit. If you have asked him and he refused to help, then you have a problem.

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