Vain and Selfish Daughter who spends to much time in Bed and not looking after her children

Beth - posted on 07/30/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I like a lot of Mums have been very devoted to my kids. Especially as I separated from their father when they were teenagers. I know it wasn't a good time for them but neither was it for me. Diana is 32 in September, married with two beautiful little girls aged 3 and 9 months. She lives 16 hundred kilometre from me so when she visits, it's for weeks not days. She recently came home, initially for some minor medical tests and also in her words "to have a break from the kids" my daughter has always loved her bed and the fact she has two children doesn't make any difference. She refuses to get up to the baby before 7, she will give her a bottle then put toys in her cot and go back to bed and if she cries that's to bad. The eldest child will get herself up, go to the fridge where Diana has left her a bowl of cereal, she then turns the TV on and sits and watches TV till her mother gets up. During her stay with us, my husband who is an early riser would attend to the three year old, or she would come into me and ask for her breakfast, which I did. I initially made a stand and wouldn't be drawn into getting up to the baby, because if I started, it wouldn't stop. This didn't please Diana to much, when she did get up to the baby at 7am she would give her a bottle sit her on the mat and go back to bed leaving Don and I to attend to the girls, which I might add I love being with my granddaughters, but everyday.
I babysat both the kids from morning to late afternoon while she shopped, had her hair done, visited friends. She booked into a very expensive hotel in the city to have a break for 2 nights, she left early Friday morning and arrived back early afternoon Sunday. I still didn't have a problem with looking after the girls. I did tel her i was getting tired and her reply was "welcome to my world"
After 16 days she decided to pack up and visit her father for the weekend, then moved onto her mother-in-law after the weekend. Once she left here I didn't hear from her. I sent her a text wishing her a safe return flight, no reply. I then phoned her the next day, she was very curt on the phone and told me she had had no break or rest and she may as well have stayed at home. I spoke with her father to see if he had received similar treatment and he said yes, he also told me that Diana said every time I have the children I mollycoddle them and she has to retrain them when she gets home. I still have not heard from her and its eating at me. I don't think I have done anything wrong, perhaps someone can enlighten me if I am incorrect.
Whenever Diana has needed me I have jumped on a plane and gone to her, I spent 2 months with her when her first child was born and then she was in the city for the birth of the second and we had both her and her husband plus a 2 year old and new baby for 10 weeks.
Diana never seems to be able to speak to me nicely unless she wants something, then once she has it, it's back to snapping and barking orders at me. I've held my tongue because I haven't wanted to fight with her, particularly as she lives such along way. All she seems interested in is how pretty she looks, she will parade all the new clothes and stiletto shoes, even though I have specifically asked her not to wear the stilettos on my wood floor, she just ignores me and says "I'm not hurting it". My house looks like a tip, not a room is left unturned. She won't wash her clothes and hang then in the sun, they go straight into the dryer, she offers nothing towards her keep or puts petrol in the car which she generally commandeers while she is here.
I feel such a failure as this is not how she was raised, what went wrong. They live in a mining town where they earn very very big dollars, we live on a seniors pension. Does anyone else have issues like this? I love my little granddaughters to bits and I miss them, but I don't miss their mother, is that normal?
Oh and I forgot, when Diana is at home the girls go to daycare 8 - 4 Three days a week while she has me time.

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Beth - posted on 07/30/2013

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Trish, perhaps I need to clarify a few things. The boundaries were well and truly set prior to my daughter coming down. I did say that 3 weeks was rather a long time for me and that I was working (my husband is retired, but I am not, I earn a little to supplement his seniors income), and that I needed to attend to business. She was fine with that until she came down and discovered I did actually have to work.
May I ask Trish, when you visit your parents-in-law, how long is it for, 3 - 6 weeks at a time?
As far as being judgemental, I am well aware of what's it's like to be judged, therefore I don't believe I am. Yes we all have different ideas and ways on how to raise our children, I did not necessarily agree with some of the ideas my mother had, but I respected her enough that when I visited her house I respected her rules and values.
The point I was making with the daycare is, why if the kids were in daycare three days each week when she is at home, why was it necessary to come down to the city for a 3 week rest, why not come down for a short visit, have the medical tests and return home. What my daughter wanted was for my to take complete control of both children for the entire time she was down, so she could sleep to 11am, get up lie around and watch TV, go shopping all day, go to the movies, complete her exercise regime twice a day and visit friends without the kids, while I cared for, fed, bathed and put the kids to bed. She expected me to do that when at home she doesn't even do that because the kids are in daycare all day 3 days a week. I don't care if the kids are in daycare 5 days a week when she is at home, but is it fair to expect your mother to do something that you yourself don't do at home, NOT in my book, call me old fashion, but where does the respect come into play here. And at no time did I say she was a bad mother, a selfish one yes, but that is towards me not her children.
Perhaps the problem is that Diana has been to pampered and endulged far to much over the years by her parents.

Ev - posted on 07/30/2013

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Trish-its one thing to say that she is raising her daughters by her choice and her mother raised her differently. We all do things differently. But to me it sounds as if daughter is taking advantage of mother and father and whoever else she goes to see. Ten weeks with a newborn and hubby there too and she does not lift a finger. Sounds to me like this woman has more interest in shopping, being waited on, and having things surrounding her than reality.

Trish - posted on 07/30/2013

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Stop being so judgemental. Just because you have one idea of how to raise children, doesn't mean that another way is wrong - it may be just different. When I stay with my mother in law, I completely relax and get pampered. She loves looking after her grandchildren and me and doesn't presume that I am not doing it when she is not around. If you don't like pampering your daughter and caring for your grandchildren when she stays, set the boundaries prior to visiting. That way, you will all know what to expect without any upsets.

Her choice to put those children in daycare 3 days a week is exactly that - her choice. That does not make her a bad mother, just one that has different views of raising a child than you. Enjoy your time with both your daughter and your grandchildren or you may lose them all.

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