Very delicate family situation

Proud To Be A Mum! - posted on 08/22/2012 ( 8 moms have responded )

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This is the first time im posting in this forum. Ive had this problem for just over a year.

I have a 1 and 4 months year old baby. My brother has 2 boys, one is 7 and the other is 5. We meet at my mum's for lunch every Sunday. The problem is here, the 7 year old is very disobedient and sometimes quite disrespectful with my regards. Before i had the baby, i had a very good relationship with them. I used to love playing and spend time with them. When they came in from the door they used to come running to me yelling my name and that used to make me so happy. Obviously when i had the baby, things changed. Mostly because my son had difficulty in sleeping at night up till he was 1 year old, he takes a nap in the early afternoon every single day. I feel that the 7 year old is quite jealous of having the baby stealing time with his aunt and therefore when he notices that im in the next room at my mum's trying to put the baby to sleep, he makes noises on purpose, screams, kicks toys, runs around the corridor etc. One particular episode happened last year, when again i was trying to put my son to sleep, he was only 4 months old. He knew i was trying to put him to sleep, so he started again disrespecting. I went out 3 times asking nicely to stop, explaining to him that i was trying to put the baby to sleep and promising that as soon as he sleeps to get ready so we play. The 4th time, i got really angry cos i knew he was doing on purpose. I scolded him. What hurts me the most is that his parents dont correct his misbehavior. They just ignore or pretending to ignore, you know, they were relaxing on the couch after lunch so they were having their break. But when they heard me raising my voice to their son, and telling my husband to get the bag ready to leave because the baby couldnt sleep in that noise, my brother's wife stood up like a soldier and said firmly, ' No, WE are leaving' and then she turned to the kids and said 'come on boys, get your shoes on, we're leaving now.' I calmly said, 'ok then fine'. Just so she doesnt think that i was feeling guilty or anything. You wont beleive this, but my own mother disapproves of my actions. Ive been trying to explain to her for over a year (dont ask me why i keep trying, i dont even know myself) why i raised my voice. I only scolded him once for heaven's sake, I didnt even touch the boy, this is ridiculous! But no she defends my brother's family. She pity the 7 year old because when he was 2 his mother went through a heart transplant operation and so his behaviour is excused. Im trapped. I know how jealous he can be because even with his own brother he used to get physically rough let alone with my 1 year old. My husband and I decided not to go on a sunday at all at my mum's. But part of me feels (or my mother is making me feel) I am the one who's preventing the family to be together every sunday as we used to do before. Its frustrating because i DO really want us to spend some hours together as a family once a week but if they dont correct their own children and/or someone does it, i get angry looks and I look as if im in the wrong and this is driving me crazy.

Is anyone experiencing this kind of problem?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Sashell - posted on 08/23/2012

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If you feel that you have been neglected from the family all these years maybe the best solution, not only for your sanity but for their discomfort as well, is to just not go. Or go every other Sunday. This is a very tough situation. Its cute that the family gets together every Sunday. I would really try to include your nephew in the baby's activities but if things don't get better (it may take a couple tries) then remove yourself from the situation and visit your mother on your own time. If you want to that is :-)

Amy - posted on 08/22/2012

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I'm going to give the same advice I would give any parent with a jealous sibling, make sure you are setting aside time where you can do stuff with your nephew just one on one without the baby. Ask your sil to watch the baby for a couple of hours and take your nephew to the park or movies, somewhere where he doesn't have to compete for your attention. I realize that he's not your child but obviously you were close before baby and you should try to maintain that relationship with him. I'd also let the incident go that happened a year ago, I know it's just an example but it happened a year ago which means he was only 6 when he did that??

As fat as Sunday dinner goes if your child maps the same time everyday cant you just switch the time the family eats? It seems like an easy fix to me.

Sashell - posted on 08/22/2012

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Unfortunately your family's views towards the 7 year old won't change. Maybe try to include your nephew in your sons activities. Have him help his cousin go to sleep by reading him a book. Have him get the baby his food when you are all together. Maybe his attitude toward the baby will change when he is a part of his life. Then he will feel like he is helping u out as well, and he will have his aunt back :-) good luck to you!

S. - posted on 08/22/2012

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Your SiL sounds rather petty tbh, Try and forget about it and rise above the whole mess maybe try harder to regain your old relationship with your nephews and show you SiL how to be a proper aunt. If that was my mother too it would really upset me but I'm sure the SiL just finds pleasure in her taking there side instead of yours. What about your brother what part dose he play in all this?

S. - posted on 08/22/2012

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Wow this has been going on a whole year! What is the mood like between you and you brother n sister-in-law? Have you talke to them, Maybe you shouldn't have raised your voice at him but you was a tired mother and I'm sure over the past 7 years you have proven your self a good loving auntie to the kids I think everyone is over reacting if my nephews was acting like that or my girls doing that to my sisters we would tell the child off despite if it was our own child or not. As far as you mother is concerned tell her your not talking about it know more with her and keep her out of it, she clearly thinks your wrong and nothing will change her mind your only gonna end up hurt.
In the future if there children are doing anything wrong just say can you tell him please, I find parents find it hard to ignore bad behaviour if there being told they need to correct it.

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Proud To Be A Mum! - posted on 08/23/2012

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In fact Sashell, we havent been going on Sunday for quite a while now. A couple of months ago when I told my mother that I'd like us to go on a Sunday to meet my bro's family every now and then, she took me by surprise and said 'your father and I think its better if you avoid coming on a Sunday at the moment because the kids would want to play and your son would want to walk around and play with his toys (he still walks like a penguin)' I said 'And?' she said 'just avoid Sundays.' I figured that she was finally 'admitting' that the 7 year old's behaviour really needs attention and correction. Needless to say, she said it indirectly. When we are around and he's close to the baby, she's constantly onto him because she's scared he'd throw something at my son or squeeze his fingers as he already tried to do. She never admitted that with me but then she behaves that way.



I go by myself (with the baby of course) for a day during the week and then my husband joins in for dinner and we go back home. This week i was talking to my mother over the phone and she asked when i would like to go. I said to her that we'll try to go on a sunday. She said, 'Come if you want, just know how children play' She changes opinion so quickly that she confuses me big time!!



I know that Im talking about my own mother, but her behavior really puts me off and makes me want to run a mile away from her. Honestly.

Proud To Be A Mum! - posted on 08/23/2012

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Yes that is a great idea Sahell. It going to feel very uncomfortable especially with the sis-in-law gazing towards me and observing my every move. They have no idea what a sacrifice im doing to just care about what they think let alone fix this whole situation, which they dont even lift a finger for.



Stacey, my brother? Let me tell you, do you want to know what his reaction for everything is? The Sky is Blue. No matter what. He looks like he sweeps problems under the carpet. He looks like he lives in space. He's a good man but he's too naive and weak. I have no freakin idea how i landed in this family. Im sooo different from all of them. I dont even feel part of this family. We were never close. I dont remember my mother tucking me in bed and kissing me good night, telling me that she loves me. I swear never. If it was for me i dont even meet them because they dont make me feel good about myself (I think I'm mostly talking about my mother here) She never has kind supportive words to give me. She never praises me. And i cant believe myself I'm hurting for this lack of love from my mother's side. I'm going to be 33 and have a family of my own. Am I not supposed to stop crying for my mum like a freakin baby?!! Have I not learnt yet that she cant and will never change? Why do I keep hoping to hear a good word from her about me? The only reason I go over their house every once a week is for them to see my son. full stop.



thanks again for finding the time to read and answer my posts.

Proud To Be A Mum! - posted on 08/22/2012

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Yes stacey in fact my mother is only breaking my heart about this. The mood between us not a good one. Since the last episode last year, my sis-in-law hardly speaks to me, she hardly talks to my son. For goodness sake, he's a one year old. I dont think i was in the wrong because i was frustrated mostly at them since they were ignoring his misbehaviour. Had I spanked him or something similar, then yes I would admit i would be in the wrong and I would say sorry but I just raised my voice. They behave as if I did something really bad, out of this world and my mother does tend to defend them + blow things out of proportion. They DO correct him when he raises a hand on to his brother though. I just feel as if they dont respect me. I feel uncomfortable telling her to correct him because i feel it should from her. Even because knowing her, she wouldnt like me telling her.



The following Sunday when i raised my voice, we went again at my mother's. My sis-in-law was trying to study but she couldnt concentrate with all the shouting and screaming of her kids. and guess what, she told them to talk and not scream. I felt betrayed at that moment.



Amy, we are not the type to take out eachother's children. The only time I was allowed to do that was when the sis-in-law was in hospital and they had no option but to leave the kids with my mother. And i used to take them out together with my mother.



thank you for having the time to answer to my posts. I really do appreciate.

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