Victorias Secret Magazines in sons room.

Lucitta - posted on 04/21/2015 ( 27 moms have responded )

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Hello, Ladies.
I can not catch a break this week.
Last night while cleaning the room of my oldest son, Marzio, I found a stack of Victorias Secret magazines next to the drawer that he keeps the panties I got him in.
I discussed putting that kind of thing away, and somehow the conversation led to him asking me to get him a monthly subscription.
I know where I stand on this, but am curious where other mothers of teen sons stand. Would you buy your son magazines that he considers pornographic? If it keeps him from getting a virus on the computer? If it means he won't be sharing them with his friends?
Where do you stand?

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Jodi - posted on 04/23/2015

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It doesn't matter how you "see it". The fact is, you have purchased sex toys, that are not generally available to minors and only available in adult sex shops, for your children. Perception is irrelevant. I assure you, this is not regular parenting behaviour, and if investigated by such agencies as Child Protection, are likely to be frowned upon.

I am in no way suggesting that you are a bad parent. I can see that you care about your children and are doing the best you can. I am just suggesting that perhaps you are misguided.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/23/2015

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Your willingness to oversexualize your children is disturbing.

Lucitta - posted on 04/22/2015

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Jodi.
Firstly, when did I describe the panties as "sexy"? They are the mos tbasic white cotton bikini panties you can buy.
What I taught him by purchasing them for him, is that different people like different tings, and that is okay, but steeling is not okay. Do you agree that different people are sexually excited by different things?
While the panties may be sexualized, I do not believe that transfers in to women. If a boy experiences pornographic content, he will wonder what a woman looks like naked, and imagines her doing all sorts of lewd acts. If he experiences satisfaction from himself, through an item that he knows is exclusively his, and has never been in contact with a woman, he does not instantly sexualize women, just because they have a similar item of clothing on.
Furthermore, he absolutely understands the law, and knows not to steel. He was ashamed of his feelings, which is why he resorted to steeling. Since hs no longer is ashamed to talk about it, while still probably would be embarrassed, as well as the fact he has regular access, he will no longer steel.

Jodi - posted on 04/22/2015

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To me, buying your 13 year old boy tools (which includes underwear) with which to excite himself sexually is the same as buying a vibrator for your teenage daughter. I wouldn't do that either.

Jodi - posted on 04/22/2015

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Whatever, Lucitta, I'll agree to disagree with you encouraging a 13 year old in the perverted behaviour of masturbating with women's underwear. You can't possibly know what he sexualises and what he doesn't.

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Lucitta - posted on 04/23/2015

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Thank you for the kind words.
I know this is not "not regular parenting behavior", but in reality our past is not "regular" either.
I will be talking to Estelle's therapist about this, and see what he recommends I do, about Marzio, not Lu.
While it my be highly irregular, and frowned upon, it can not be deied that it greatly helped her overcome several logical, deep seeded, fears she had for many years. I'm not saying the act did, or the device did, but her having something she was comfortable with, and able to learn with, helped her. I can honestly say that without it, she wouldn't be nearly as open a she is now.
Again, thank you for your help.

Lucitta - posted on 04/23/2015

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I don't see it as buying sex toys for them. I see it as this item was recommended for her use to help her get over something in the past.
I am seeing a therapist next Monday for Estelle, so I will schedule some extra time so I discuss this with him.
While I am upset over this, because I do think I am good parent, and I do the best I can for iren, no atter what, I will thank you for your open honest, Jodi.

Jodi - posted on 04/23/2015

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All I can say at this point is that you have said "This therapist saw her many years ago, but I feel as if her imput was still valid". It sounds to me there is currently no therapist advising you at the moment and there should still be a therapist very much involved here. Therapist advice will be different when advising for a child versus a teenager.

You don't need to share more detail. Just get a therapist involved, because I think you have misinterpreted the original therapist's advice and intention. If therapist advice from years ago is leading you to interpret that purchasing sex toys for your children is appropriate.....yes, a therapist should still be involved.

Lucitta - posted on 04/23/2015

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Jodi.
The advice I received was that she may have extreme difficulty becoming comfortable with this part of being a woman, and that anything I could do to help her become comfortable with sex, not lose and free with it, just comfortable enough with it not to have a panic attack when it is mentioned, would be alright. I was told this may involve just giving her the talk, giving her visual aids (I.E. showing her exactly what a penis looks like), or supplying her with a way to experiment that doesn't involve her touching herself (I.E. purchasing her a vibrator.)
The not touching herself comes from a long standing fear she had of anyone touching her, even myself, brought on by systematic abuse from her father, whom is no longer in the picture. I understand completely why she at first hated to touch herself, and why a vibrator helped her bridge that gap, and become comfortable sexually.
I will try to find the file I have from the sessions, so as to get the exact instructions she gave. I admit, my memory of the exact phrasing may have faded, but the meanings of them has not, I believe.
Jodi, could we message? I feel as if this is getting to personal for me to be putting on the internet openly.

Jodi - posted on 04/23/2015

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Lucitta, what part of what I am saying are you not understanding? Noone is suggesting you should not be open with your children. Noone is suggesting your children shouldn't be exploring. But I highly doubt the therapist advised you to buy your daughter a damn vibrator or your son women's panties in order to do this. What part of that are you not getting? There is being open, and then there is sexualising. They are two totally different concepts that you seem not to be understanding.

Yes, you should seek professional advice. You should not be providing your children with sexual "toys". Yes, be open with them, but draw a line!!! What you are doing is actually beyond what is normal.

"Was I wrong to assume that the advice for one applies to the other as well?"

The advice was NOT to provide sexual toys or mechanisms with which to facilitate sexuality, the advice was to be open about it. Learn the difference.

Lucitta - posted on 04/23/2015

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Jodi/Stephany
Regarding my daughter, I am following the advice given to us by her therapist when she was younger. There were traumatic experiences in our joint past, that the therapist thought would effect her later in life. She advised that when she reaches the point o being curious about sexual subjects, I shouldn't hesitate to be completely open with her, so that she can learn her body is under her control, and no one else has any power over her sexually, and that if she wants to touch herself, it is fine, and that if someone else wants to touch her, she has the right to say no. Purchasing a vibrator that she can use to experiment was one of her suggestions. This therapist saw her many years ago, but I feel as if her imput was still valid when that time did come around.
I did not talk to a professional about Marzio, I had assumed that he was going through something similar.
Do you think I should seek professional advice for this?
I honestly thought that being told to, and helping Lu become comfortable with herself, would apply to Marzio as well.
Was I wrong to assume that the advice for one applies to the other as well?

Valeria - posted on 04/23/2015

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Being open about your childrens sexuality is fine, but giving them things to help them experience their sexuality is not. As a mother I understand that you want to be able to understand your children and be as open with them as you can, but sometimes you have to be a parent and not a friend. I don't think by you giving your son panties will help him, it might just encourage him to go out and do it himself with a girls panties and since you are basically showing him that it is ok, he might think its ok to be doing that. As for your daughter I believe the same thing, you are not helping her by buying her a vibrator, you are just causing her to think its ok to have sex. Maybe she will go out and have sex because she likes the feeling and because it is ok in her head. I am not judging or criticizing but I do think its not the correct approach. And if you already are allowing everything else to happen I don't see why magazines are the problem, you are being biased and hypocritical. If you take one out you have to take everything else. You cant allow your kids certain things and then prevent other things with the same outcome.

Jodi - posted on 04/23/2015

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Being upfront about sexual objects and actually providing them versus teaching restraint are two different things. I am going to be honest here, your posts are SCREAMING inappropriate at me and as a mandatory reporter, I'd be very concerned for your children. I am not conservative about children - I am totally open to the fact that they will experiement. Heck, I teach teenagers, believe me, I am far from conservative. But you take it past the line that should be crossed IMO. Your actions would probably prompt me to make a call to Child Protection. I have my reasons (based on experience) for that.

Again, this is not about being open with your children or denying their sexual feelings - being open and supplying them with sexual toys are two entirely different things. There is a reason that sexual toys are only available to adults. If 15 year old girls were supposed to have vibrators, they'd be able to walk into store and purchase them themselves.

Lucitta - posted on 04/23/2015

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I am thinking that teenagers are teenagers, and they have sexual feelings. They will masturbate. It is better to be up front and open about sexual subjects with them, so the information they get is correct, instead of third hand from a friends siblings friend who heard a rumor.
I believe we will not come to a conclusion here due to moral differences. As it seems you are more conservative regarding children, where as I am more open with my children.

Jodi - posted on 04/23/2015

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Why on earth would you buy your teenage daughter a vibrator....? Given, according to your profile, your teenage daughter is 15....I'd consider that extremely concerning promoting such sexualised behaviour in a child. WTF are you thinking?

Lucitta - posted on 04/23/2015

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I will agree that it is the same as buying your teenage daughter a vibrator, which I would do, and have done.

Lucitta - posted on 04/22/2015

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Perfect, Jodi.
Agree to disagree.
I admit I can not know what he sexualizes, just as you can not know the same.

Jodi - posted on 04/22/2015

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"the reason I am okay with the panties is that they are just pieces of cloth,"

It's not about what they are made of, it is what they represent. That's like saying the magazine is just a pile of bound paper. Sexualisation is about what something represents, about making it sexual in character. The very fact that you have purchased "sexy" panties for him to masturbate with has sexualised women's underwear and therefore women.

Personally, it concerns me that you have purchased women's panties for your 13 year old to masturbate with. It's encouraging of perverted behaviour. Rather than consequences for him stealing other people's panties, you rewarded him with purchasing his own. He needs to learn that this kind of behaviour (stealing panties and masturbating with them) can actually be a crime in the adult world.

Lucitta - posted on 04/22/2015

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We will have to disagree on this subject.
Perhaps we can agee that, if nothing else, it is less degrading to women?

Jodi - posted on 04/22/2015

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"Also, I do not see how panties are sexualizing women."

If you are giving him women's panties for him to use for masturbating, you are actually sexualising women. In the same way that masturbating to women in magazines is sexualising women.

Lucitta - posted on 04/22/2015

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By "gets a bit of spending cash" I meant that he earns it by doing extra chores, or helping neighbors.
Also, I do not see how panties are sexualizing women.

Jodi - posted on 04/22/2015

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Why are you "giving" him money? He is at an age now where he should be earning it.

And I'm sorry, but if they are women's panties.....they are sexualising women.

Lucitta - posted on 04/22/2015

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Hello.
He sometimes gets a bit of spending cash, but I hesitant to give him more, knowing he would be using it on the magazines. This may sound hypocritical, but the reason I am okay with the panties is that they are just pieces of cloth, where as a magazine with sexy women in it, is still a collection of women. So, the panties aren't sexuallizing women, where as the magazine is.
Thoughts?

Gena - posted on 04/21/2015

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I wont comment on the panties. I don't think its bad that he has those magazines,but I wouldn't buy them for him. If he has pocket money he can buy them himself. I think its normal that teen boys are interested in such magazines.

Lucitta - posted on 04/21/2015

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I did not agree to purchase a subscription for him, nor w I.
The only reason I got him the panties was because he was taking mine and his siters
I'm not freaking out, I was trying to tart a healthy debae.

Thank you.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2015

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Good grief. There are worse things than your son looking at a magazine that he can legally purchase.

Why are you freaking out? After all, you've already purchased him panties to masturbate with.

Jodi - posted on 04/21/2015

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In the words of my very wise father when my mother found Playboy magazines in my brother's room many, many years ago and asked what she should do with them....."Put them back".

With regard to the monthly subscription - tell him to get a job and pay for magazines he is legally allowed to get himself, but it isn't your job to provide him with sexual entertainment. Virus on whose computer? Yours? It's not your job to provide that to him either. Time for him to step up and pay for it all himself.

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