vindictive x-_husband

Amanda - posted on 04/26/2015 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I was a stay at home Mom for the first 5 years of our daughters lives. My x-husband and I agreed upon this. He worked and never wanted to be home. It was hust the 3 of us. We grew apart, I filed for divorce and he got a job locally now has my kids 50/50. On his half the time for the last 4 years he has never allowed me my kids. Not 1 time. He gives them to everyone elsr in town except me, and it is a small town and he tells everyone I don't want them when he hands them off, when in actuality I havr spent the last 4 years crying every time this happens. Mind you, I give him the kids on my half the time if it is something they would enjoy. I don't play the eye for eye game. I havr stayed true to who I am but every time I bnot with them or he does this my heart breaks more and more. I can't take any more. I am hopeless, alone, sad, tired and am losing the reason I am here. He is ripping the soul right from me. I am a very strong person but everyone has a breaking point and I hit mine awhile ago and don't know how to heal when he keeps re opening the wounds. I need help or pretty soon their is going to be nothing left of what wad their Mother soon. I am trying to find that person but as soon as i come close he tries even harder to keep me down, and it always involves the kids. I have no feelings attached ro him, but I feel like I will never get better because he will always ve avle to hurt me by using them. It is a sick, twisted thing he is doing and in the mean time he has convinced my family and friends that I don't want my kids. It breaks my heart, my kids and I have cried so many unnecessary tears and I don't know how to stop it. Someonr please help me!!!! I don't have friends left they have all turned on me. It truly feels like it is me against the world. I am strong but this is just ridiculous

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Raye - posted on 04/27/2015

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You should read your custody agreement. If it doesn't mention something called "right of first refusal" you should go back to court and have it changed. Right of First Refusal basically states that when the kids are staying with him and he's unable to watch them then he must ask you first if you can take them before he hands them of to a baby sitter or family member. If you can't take them at that time, then he can go ahead and have the baby sitter or family member watch them.

When the kids are not with you, you need to find something else to take your mind off things. You can't keep worrying about what he's doing or the image that he tries to paint of you. If anybody really knows you, they won't believe what he says anyway. And, technically, his half of the time is HIS half of the time. Just because you share the kids with him on your time does not mean he HAS to share them with you on his time. And you sharing them on your time might be seen by some as you not wanting them around. Personally, I believe it's a nice gesture, but if there's already gossip you don't want to fuel the flames.

Right now, YOU are allowing this man to hurt you. Maybe you need counseling to find your inner strength, help you heal, and learn how to handle things better with your ex.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/27/2015

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Ok, you're beating yourself up over something that you DO have control over. Read your custody agreement. He doesn't have to give you access to the kids during his time, AND NEITHER DO YOU. However, if you do not have 'right of first refusal' as part of your agreement, you need to get it added.

Otherwise, the only other thing I can recommend is counseling. You need to get into some, to help yourself handle this situation.

Amanda - posted on 04/26/2015

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Thank you so much for your help. I never considered it abuse, but I came from a dysfunctional family and don't anyone to talk to or compare it to

Patrice - posted on 04/26/2015

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Lastly, great books: Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Lundy Bancroft. (www.lundybancroft.com; https://www.facebook.com/LundyBancroft?fref=ts )
Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life, by Evan Stark

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