Visitation Question

[deleted account] ( 41 moms have responded )

I have a dilemma. My son's biological "donor" has not seen my son since before he was born, so he's basically NEVER seen my son. Now my son is 13 years old and his biological "donor" is now threatening legal action for visitation rights. He's not once inquired about my son, has never sent him anything, although he does pay child support. Does the biological donor have any legal ground to stand on for threatening legal action for visitation rights even though he's never even seen the child? I don't want my family disrupted because my son is in a good place in his life and is doing very well.

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Jodi - posted on 03/30/2016

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Oh my goodness, Erica, how old are you? This is ridiculous. Are you in high school? Just STOP.

Raye - posted on 03/30/2016

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Erica and Kylie, while you may be just venting your frustrations about the absent father by calling him a "donor" this can be seen as a form of parental alienation if your child has heard you say this, or if the courts hear you say this. You are trying to trivialize or misrepresent the facts of the matter by not acknowledging that you and this man CHOSE to have sex, and that resulted in a child. With a sex act that conceives a child, BOTH people are biological parents (like it or not). With a real sperm donor, that man has already waived any rights to the child and is not held liable for child support or any other form of child rearing. There is a LEGAL difference. Even if you feel or want it to be otherwise, you need to stop lying to yourself (and your kid), and take responsibility. Just because you call a square a circle, it's still a square. You're hiding behind an inaccurate term out of fear and anger. You don't WANT him to be something to your son, so you're going to pretend he isn't. Not very adult behavior.

Your child cares what you call their father, because the child shares 50% DNA with that person. If you bad-mouth the father, then you are essentially bad-mouthing the child, too (or at least many kids FEEL that way). It is well established that conflict between parents, lack of cooperation, and less father involvement contribute to the child’s academic, behavioral, and social difficulties. Mothers who may intend to "protect" their child from the father may actually be harming the overall well-being and adjustment of the child. This may be why your son has asked for the adoption, to fill the void that you let open up in him by "protecting" him.

You may not realize how your words and actions can hurt, but they can. How would you like the father calling you "that conniving slut" and went around telling people that you tried to trap him in a relationship by getting pregnant? Not saying that's what you did, but there's more than one side to every story. We just have the parts that you've shared, which is name-calling and lying about the father by calling him a donor. We don't know that he deserves that treatment. Kylie, after 13 years, you don't know him either. And it seems you are most likely acting purely out of fear instead of what's truly in the best interest of the child.

Yes, it takes more than DNA to be a GOOD father. But this man is now wanting to step in and see what kind of relationship he can have with his child. Again, YES he has a legal leg to stand on, unless the JUDGE rules that he doesn't. But right now he has the right to try to get his way. And you have a right to try to get your way. You can compile the evidence you have that shows his non-involvement and present that to the court. Then it's in the judge's hands and you would BOTH have to abide by the courts decision.

The situation is extremely sad. You and the father each have your own agenda, and this poor boy is stuck in the middle.

Jodi - posted on 03/29/2016

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@ Erica. I don't agree with the way you call your ex a donor either, no matter how you justify it. It's wrong, and by using it in a derogatory way, you devalue true sperm donors who do this as a service to others. The fact is, he is your ex and your child's other biological parent. If you had sex, he was not a donor, at the time, he was a partner. I don't care if you like my opinion on that or not, I will express it to any person on this site who call the man a donor unless they actually went through IVF procedure with donor sperm. And yes, my opinion on that is just as valid as yours.

With regard to the rest of your diatribe, I believe my answer appropriately responded to the OP's question.

I also think you need to get over yourself a bit and stop being quite so condescending. That won't end well for you. Your opinion isn't the only one that is valid on this conversation, so stop acting like it is. You've assumed noone else here has had the OP's experience except you. You accuse others of making assumptions.....but you also made a few yourself.

"She just asked for some advice on HOW to respond. No one ever actually answered her question."

Actually, no, she said "Does the biological donor have any legal ground to stand on for threatening legal action for visitation rights even though he's never even seen the child?" Which means she was asking if he had rights......and every person here has responded based on their own experience, WHICH by the way may be different experiences based on where they live in the world and may be different to yours, but doesn't make them wrong.

Erica - posted on 03/29/2016

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I hope you read my first reply to you. If you didn't get a chance, please go back and read it. I think its one of the first 10 replies. I hope it can provide some comfort and help by giving my own life experience!

Dove - posted on 03/28/2016

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Unless there is a court order stripping him of his legal rights... yes, he has a right to pursue this in court.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/31/2016

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Erika, I didn't TRY one damn thing. Stop with the HS bullshit. I left that crap behind 30 years ago, DEAR...condescending is condescending.

DONOR is someone who DONATES without any financial repercussion. YOU, my DEAR, have an EX. An EX who is the BIOLOGICAL FATHER of your child, like it or not, and he, as ALL biological fathers and mothers, HAS RIGHTS.

Enough. I'm done with the HS bullshit. At least Kylie is attempting to approach her situation as an adult.

Ev - posted on 03/30/2016

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I was done with my last post but I can see someone is trying to make this out to be more than it should. We have all said the same thing and Kylie has also taken her own steps to find out information on what to do with this issue of her ex coming into their son's life. Kylie--the others' suggestions are on target. We won't know what a judge will say depending on the majority of the details of your case and since we do not know all of them (not that you need to post them) we can only give you such advice as we can and that was to do what you did. Only lawyers can give you the advice you need on a legal stance and the possible outcomes of a judge's ruling just to give you an idea of what you would be dealing with not that the lawyer would know for certain the ruling at all. Right now it is a guessing game. Erica--this is not about who knows more or who has had similar experiences but what we all know as a group and can offer. Most of us have been dealing with things for years (experiences) and know what it is like to have to go through the courts like you have had to deal with in regards to your ex over your child in different situations or have known people that have had those situations. My own sis had a similar situation that I think I posted way down in the posts. She just dealt with it as she saw fit. And the man would never had access anyhow because of his sex offender status as it was. Regardless of everything, I think we have all said what we can about this matter and it IS time for KYLIE to decide what she wants to do.

Erica - posted on 03/30/2016

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Shawnn, I don't mind being called dear lol. appreciate your response and opinion! But yet again, just an opinion. Nothing more. And he is a donor because of the choices he made after we laid down together. Thanks for reading my life long story though lol. And it's Erica not Erika. Please learn how to spell someone's name correctly before TRYING to come at them.

Dove - posted on 03/30/2016

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When you post on a world wide message board... you are GOING to get responses that you don't like. There are 10 million members to this board (clearly they don't all post).... you can't get lots of women in the same place and NOT have conflict. That's just life.

People have a right to post whatever they want that does not violate the rules of this site... and the people that read it have a right to respond or not however they see fit (again w/out violating THUMPS). You (every individual) are responsible for you and your feelings/actions... and nothing else. Telling other people how they should or should not be... never works well here.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/30/2016

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@ Erika: Your EX is NOT a DONOR. You VOLUNTARILY had sex with this person.

If you HAD a sperm donor, you would not have the lengthy posts that you do sharing your entire life story.

BTW, DEAR...Copy/paste is more than acceptable as a way of response. It allows others to see EXACTLY what comment, or part of a comment is being responded to.

Erica - posted on 03/30/2016

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Jodi, actually Kylie is the one who agreed with me, I have the messages between us to prove it. You think it's me that came on insulting others. If you saw her and I private conversation, about how you and the other moms made her feel. Your jaw would drop. She even said that you and the other woman made her feel like shit just for asking a question. So you have it all wrong my dear. Go back read every post and then you will see. You just didn't like my comment on your own. I had no problem with any other mom. You picked my comment out, wrote my name and decided to reply. You should've just kept out of it and wrote your own words of advice to Kylie. You came at me first. Don't sit behind your computer and start shit you know nothing about. Would you like to see the message of Kylie agreeing with me. Maybe that will shut you up once and for all. This back and forth is time consuming. Let's just agree to disagree. I'll leave you alone and you the same with me!

Sarah - posted on 03/30/2016

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After all of that run around and lengthy postings. The answer to your question is clear to me; unless he has been legally stripped of his parental rights, then yes he has a right to pursue seeing his child. Will he be awarded visitation? Who knows? He has been paying support as is his obligation. I suppose a judge would want to know where and what he's been doing for the last 13 years? He isn't asking for custody; he is asking to see his child. Maybe he had some sort of life changing event, maybe he feels the need to make amends- no on but he knows his reason. I doubt it is to come roaring in and rip your child from his home. Have you ever thought about this from your son's point of view? Maybe he'd like to meet his father, ask questions, vent some feelings. This could be the start of a healthy relationship with your son and his father. Why not at least consider it before trying to prevent it?

Jodi - posted on 03/30/2016

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Erica, I'm not quite sure what point that was (and by continuing to call me DEAR when I clearly indicated it was condescending and rude is you quite obviously choosing to stir up shit) but anyway.....

Kylie, I apologise. It really did just annoy me to see someone come on here insulting others in such a condescending manner making assumptions about the experience upon which they based their opinions. I don't think anyone means to be malicious about it or make you feel bad. You have concerns and you have a right to be concerned. I am glad you have contacted the courts to find out where you stand based on where you live - it is different in different places. It can be difficult asking a question like this on an international site because you ARE going to get a variety of responses that may or may not apply to you. Rest assured, not all were making assumptions, as has been insinuated, but are basing their response on their own experience AND the situation in their own location in the world.

[deleted account]

Ladies, come on. I came here to ask advice and thoughts on a situation from fellow moms, not start a battle of words and create more anger. We are all parents who have gone through a lot to raise our children right. Arguing over who's right and who's wrong isn't helping someone who is seeking comfort and advice, it's only making me regret even asking anyone else's opinion. I again thank everyone for their words of wisdom, and apologize for any misunderstandings between anyone. I will not be posting anything else about this topic, thanks for everyone's help.

Jodi - posted on 03/29/2016

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And yet again exercising your condescension and superiority complex. You just proved my point. I am not your "dear" (and neither is anyone else here) and I did not "threaten you", I merely suggested that your attitude will likely not bode well for you because your attitude sucks. Please, by all means, go ahead and report me.

Neither am I needing hugs - I am in a perfectly good place. Don't pretend you can "decipher" my post or how I feel by the way I write or what I write. That's just rude.

I also did not "jump" on you out of nowhere. I happen to be one of "those women" who responded prior to you whom you so readily insulted in your first post.

Get off your high horse, lady, your shit DOES stink just like everyone else's.

Erica - posted on 03/29/2016

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Jodi- My dear, I gave you hugs because you obviously need them. I also tell it like it is. You are allowed not to like my choice of words. My world is still spinning. So guess we both tell it like it is. And don't threaten me with "It won't end well" or I will report you. You jumped in on me out of no where. I don't really care about your response nor opinion. But you are allowed to have it. So contrary to whatever feelings you might be in, you having an opinion about my choice of words doesn't upset me at all. It humors me. Last but not least, don't EVER threaten me again!!!!! Toots!!!

Erica - posted on 03/29/2016

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My dear Evelyn did even read my post. I have also been through this as well in my own way. I don't think you read what my original post said or else you would have agreed with everything I wrote. Like I said before, I might have just joined this site but I've been a mom for many years and have been through exactly what Kylie is going through. Being a member of this site for X amount of time longer than me doesn't discredit my life experience. I might have better life experience than someone signed up for this site that has given 3000 responses compared to my 8. So please dear like I said before and for hopefully the last time. Please take the time to carefull ydissect (not copy and paste) someones speech before trying to inform and correct them on their own words. And trust me I don't think Kylie cares about how long you've been a member on this or any site. I believe someone like her is more so looking for life experience advice and not long term site membership. You all made her feel like crap. And that didn't take long term membership, that took complete pettiness and quick skim reading and bashing her for words and meanings she did not say. We are supposed to be on the same page Evelyn. And that page involves being mothers from all aspects and life experiences. Helping and giving the best sound advice we can to one another. And if we don't have that advice, then just being there to give moral support and tell her "Whatever your about to go through, god will be there with you". Your advice compared to my advice are two totally separate things. I did not go through what your life experienced and did not go through what mine experienced. So neither of us can tell the other who's been through more. It is not a competition. It is a Circle of moms!!! Let's try acting like it!

Raye - posted on 03/29/2016

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As far as not wanting the child support... the child has a right to the best upbringing that they can have. The bio-father contributing financially generally helps the child have better living conditions and/or more advantages, and if not needed for daily expenses could be socked away for college, car, first house, etc. or some unknown hardship that may arise in the future. Whether child support is paid generally would not impact the fathers rights for visitation (unless if your state determines that the father paying support equates to "contact" in the matter of you trying to terminate his rights [check your state laws]). If you are awarded termination of the father's rights so your husband could adopt your son, then child support would be terminated as well. If the adoption is denied, and the father is granted visitation, then don't short-change the child by giving up on child support. As I mentioned, the child deserves all the advantages they can get.

Raye - posted on 03/29/2016

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As much of a jackass as my father was/is, I'm glad I got to know him and come to that determination for myself. My mom didn't have to sabotage the relationship between me and him because he did that well enough by himself. Similarly, my step-kids mom is practically useless and IMHO a detriment to the kids well-being. But however much I may think that the kids lives would be so much happier if I could adopt them and have the bio-mom cut out of their lives, she's still their mom... and there's usually something deeply ingrained in us to desire contact with our blood family. It may be a hard lesson for the kids, but they are learning human nature. They will be able to make a determination about her actions and (lack of) parenting for themselves, and hopefully learn how to be better people and good parents themselves.

So, I'm kind-of on the fence with your situation Kylie. I see your point totally that the home you provide is stable, and the father would be a disruption. But trying to shield our kids from all of the heartbreak (no matter how well intentioned), may not actually be the best thing. It's all a learning experience and life lessons. If the court decides to deny adoption and allows the father visitation, how well your son manages with the bio-dad coming into his life will largely depend on you and your husband. Continue to provide stability. Continue to love and support the child as best as you can, no matter what happens. Try to stay positive. He will be learning right and wrong from your behavior. And he shouldn't be made to suffer as a result of any power struggles that arise out of parents that have their own wants and agendas. Teach him change happens, and how to cope with grace.

[deleted account]

just a hypothetical question, .. and by no means am I trying to be disrespectful to anyone here.....but what if I don't want the child support?

And of course, I am being an adult here, I'm weighing all the options and am taking well-being of my son into consideration when determining an appropriate response to the situation. I will let the courts handle it and decide what's best. I've never once said I would cut off the father's rights for no real reason. Not I, nor anyone else, can give me a solid answer, only the courts. I asked for advice here, I got it and then some. I thought a group of moms would provide sound advice, words of encouragement, and guide me in the right direction, not bite my head off for asking questions. So not only do I have to go through the shock of hearing from his biological father after all these years, I have been made to feel like the lowest of the low scum of the earth because I questioned what other people thought about the situation.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/29/2016

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Honestly, I hope that, in your state, payment DOES equal contact. It is not ok at all for ANYONE to consider not allowing a relationship between a biological parent and child. It was OK for you to take his money in support of the child, but it is not ok for him to want to have a relationship with the child he's supporting? How does that REALLY equate?

Hopefully the OP would be an adult in this situation, go to court, and get visitation sorted, rather than arbitrarily attempt to get the child's father's rights cut off for no real reason. After all, he IS paying support. That is NOT no contact, nor is that asking to have rights rescinded.

[deleted account]

I checked the legalities by contacting the court this case would go through, and also found out he's in violation of the court order. Has not provided health insurance (as ordered) since the order was enforced, and he's inconsistent in his child support payments. However, that's not the point. I will do what is right for my son once we have a sit-down heart to heart conversation about this.

Dove - posted on 03/29/2016

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Make sure you double check those legalities... I know in some states paying child support counts as contact, so if he's done that in the last 2 years he may have some ground to stand on.

Ev - posted on 03/29/2016

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Kylie--I understand the momma-bear mode. I used it a lot with my kids and their current step mom. I had to stand up to her over a lot of issues she had no business being in on as it was decisions up to me and dad. I would say your reaction is normal to this. But a lot of us have seen a lot of posts similar to this and a lot of those moms are trying to find ways not to allow the dad any access at all and want validation for that. At least you took the initiative and checked with the courts to find out what was what. As I said in some states as it seems to be in yours if a parent has not been in a child's live for a certain time frame--they loose their right as a parent. Some I heard were shorter than 2 years and as long as 10. My niece never knew her father either. He had claimed she was not his because he blamed my sis for sleeping around when she had not. And then my niece was born and he still did not come forward. After about 10 years, my sis divorced him and then got the forms set up for child support but she did not enforce them at first. Still no word from him. Then when my niece was just into her teens his first cousin (married to our first cousin) asked to set up visits for my niece via herself. My sis never got along with this girl in school let alone as an adult but just put up with her as needed at family functions. My sis told her no. Reason being the man had got himself in trouble and in jail and was not allowed around minors because of his conviction of statutory rape and being listed as a sex offender. It was about this time my sis finally told my niece of this man. He did finally send child support but he never tried to see my niece. So he would not have had any rights at all though I am sure my sis worried about him trying to do something to get her daughter. But he had not been in her life at all for all of it. She never saw his face until she was told of him. But here it I guess time has no meaning, if a father is able to have rights to see his kids he can no matter the non-contact length. In the end, my niece grew up and to this day has never contacted him just to meet.

[deleted account]

Just a bit of an update, and an apology is necessary. For those who thought I was being rude and disgruntled in my post, I apologize. I wasn't trying to be rude, but I was scared and some of the words that came out didn't come out right.

Today I contacted the Juvenile Court in my county to find out what my options are. And fortunately, in my state, if the absent parent has no contact with the child for 2 or more years, the custodial parent can petition to have parental rights released.

I am married now and my husband would like to adopt my son. This is why I asked the question. We were in the process of getting the adoption information when the sudden contact from his father came about, throwing me completely off course. My reaction wasn't the most appropriate reaction, but after 13 years, can you blame me for being defensive? When it comes to my child and my family, I have a tendency to get a bit defensive (momma-bear mode) when someone threatens to disrupt my family unity. So forgive me if I didn't react in the manner most appropriate to the rest of the world.

As for my son, he is the one who's asking if his stepdad could adopt him so that we can be a legal, complete family.

Thanks to all for your words of encouragement, wisdom, and support. I'm glad I posted my concerns here, it really opened up my eyes and showed me some new perspectives.

Ev - posted on 03/29/2016

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{{Evelyn- How long any of these women or myself have been on this site has no relevance to advice that is actually given. It's not a game of advice wars to see who's been giving the most feedback or responses the longest.}

}~~~~Erica, there is a reason I said the lot of us that have been on here so long and have given lots of advice because we have all been through various situations that have given us experiences that we fall back on when giving advice. We see this same sort of situation a lot.

{{Giving thousands of responses on this site for years doesn't ever compare to a mom who actually went through it in real life and gives advice.Yes, I just joined this site but my dear that plays no role in what I have been through in real life.}

}~~~My situation is eve very different than a lot of people here and I was the non-custodial parent in a joint custody arrangement because I agree to it for the children's sake. They did not need to worry over the facts that their parents were fighting constantly. And then their lives after with dad did not turn out to be so good and their step moms were not ever the kind that cared and I had to pick up those pieces when they got upset. And watching that made me decide besides my own grandmother who never divorced advocate for the children in any case. My grandmother said that the children suffer the most in these situations. SO if the child has a chance to see the father, what of it? The child deserves a chance to know his father.

{{I NEVER NEVER let me repeat NEVER once said he had no right to his child. Yet another misread conversation. Please re read my response and you will then correct your own response as to you thinking my advice led to me telling her he has no right to see his child. Sure the others might be correct in saying he has every right to see his child. So don't come at me for fhat.}

}~~~I read your story about how your ex kept trying over the years to get your daughter from you and how he got nipped in the whole thing he pulled. But I did not read much advice. I read a story telling how it went. That it was similar to this lady's situation. I read the OP and she was asking if the "donor" had any rights to see a child he had no other interest in over 13 years but for paying the child support. She was asking if he had legal ground to stand on just for that one things. That she did not want her life and family to be upset because and I quote "my son is in a good place in his life and doing well". That is not enough of a good reason to keep the father away from trying to get a relationship going if at all.

{{ Because that wasn't my argument towards the other ladies responses. My argument towards the other ladies responses is how they quickly came at her as if she said SHE wasn't going to let him see his child. She never said that. She asked what should she do in response to his actions if anything at all. She needed comfort and advice, not bashing for her choice of words and asking a question.}

}~~~They were giving her advice as was I. We were telling her the possible things that could happen if she did not follow through with this and what might be taken for parental alienation if she did not have documentation of having tried to give him chances to see his son.

{{ She obviously has some nerves towards the situation because she had never been through such a thing. So no matter the length of time I've been on circle of moms, that doesn't discredit my length of time as a mom in real life who has actually been through what she is going through currently. And that is the sound advice I gave her. I gave her my situation so that if she happens to go through it the exact same way, she can feel comforted in knowing she's not alone. I REPEAT I never once said he has no rights to his child. But giving my personal life experience for her to read was to show that sometimes there can be hidden motives behind some of the dads that pop up out of no where and try for custody.}}

~~Again, your life situation and experience is good to share as it gives insight but that does not mean her ex is trying to have hidden motives or reasons for asking or trying to legal action to his rights to see the child. She said she did not ant her family life disrupted. WELL, I hate to say this but life does not go how we always want it to and is it fair to withhold a child from their other parent? No.

{{Doesn't take his right away to fight but it gives her some guidance on how to handle such situation. And comfort if her situation turns dirty as did mine. So please next time, take some time to correctly read and dissect a persons speech before correctly briefing them on their own words. Kylie, he has every right to fight for his child, but just because he has those rights doesn't mean he will get them. In the end it is up to the judge to read through both of your stories and decide. He can ask for whatever he wants, but doesn't mean he'll get it!]]
~~~ And it does not mean that he won't get them either. If there has been no contact over thirteen years, Erica, no one can claim to know what this man is going to do or say or why he suddenly decided to be part of this child's life. She does not know what he is thinking or feeling because she has not heard from him since before her son was born. And until that comes out, no one will know. I do think that the experiences of the women here who have had a lot of answers to questions does give them some credit. They have been in similar situations or have personally known some that were like this, have read and answered similar posts as this one and are giving what could be the possibilities and ramifications of any actions during the situations. Maybe you should go read the pinned post at the beginning of Welcome to Circle of Moms about custody, child support and visitation. See what is there.

Raye - posted on 03/29/2016

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Erica and Kylie, I can only speak for myself and explain my response. My initial reaction was to feel negatively toward Kylie because the first thing she says is making false allegations against the father. He was not a donor, although I understand why she feels this way. I know she's hurting. But her words make it appear that she's refusing to acknowledge her decision making, in choosing this man to have sex with and not using precautions against pregnancy. This denial is what we often see here with women that are so hurt that they don't try to do what's right by the child. I think that's what Evelyn was trying to say about some of us that are regulars on the site. We see many of these women only want the father to stay gone because it's easier for themselves, and not necessarily because of their concern for their child. They want total control. We don't know Kylie or her motives, so we can only respond based on our experiences.


Since this man was not just some clinical donor, she had every right to file for child support, and I know these other ladies on here would agree that it's her right. But, the fact that he pays the support shows that he does have some involvement in the child's life already (my dad tried every trick not to pay, and was so far behind he never had to pay it all). So, he has at least been somewhat responsible for his child for the last 13 years, and that should account for something. I'm not taking his side, but only trying to make Kylie think a little differently and maybe drop some of the bitterness. So, what are his "rights" at the moment? He can file for custody/visitation. Does he deserve it? We don't know all the story, so it will have to play out in court. No one ever said the absent father should get custody. But it's not Kylie's place, Erica's place, or any of our place to make that choice. It's up to the court. Legally, unless there's a mound of evidence that proves he is a danger to the child, the father will be granted rights to visitation (which happened to you, Erica). He may choose to follow through on it, and he may not. But most judges will give visitation at a minimum. So, in answer to her question about him having legal ground, the answer it yes... to a point.

As your situation showed, Erica, the judge agreed that your ex's involvement would have limits, because he had not demonstrated a desire to be an active participant in the child's life up until that point. Will every judge rule that way? We can hope, but we don't know.

Erica - posted on 03/28/2016

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Evelyn- How long any of these women or myself have been on this site has no relevance to advice that is actually given. It's not a game of advice wars to see who's been giving the most feedback or responses the longest. Giving thousands of responses on this site for years doesn't ever compare to a mom who actually went through it in real life and gives advice.Yes, I just joined this site but my dear that plays no role in what I have been through in real life. I NEVER NEVER let me repeat NEVER once said he had no right to his child. Yet another misread conversation. Please re read my response and you will then correct your own response as to you thinking my advice led to me telling her he has no right to see his child. Sure the others might be correct in saying he has every right to see his child. So don't come at me for that. Because that wasn't my argument towards the other ladies responses. My argument towards the other ladies responses is how they quickly came at her as if she said SHE wasn't going to let him see his child. She never said that. She asked what should she do in response to his actions if anything at all. She needed comfort and advice, not bashing for her choice of words and asking a question. She obviously has some nerves towards the situation because she had never been through such a thing. So no matter the length of time I've been on circle of moms, that doesn't discredit my length of time as a mom in real life who has actually been through what she is going through currently. And that is the sound advice I gave her. I gave her my situation so that if she happens to go through it the exact same way, she can feel comforted in knowing she's not alone. I REPEAT I never once said he has no rights to his child. But giving my personal life experience for her to read was to show that sometimes there can be hidden motives behind some of the dads that pop up out of no where and try for custody. Doesn't take his right away to fight but it gives her some guidance on how to handle such situation. And comfort if her situation turns dirty as did mine. So please next time, take some time to correctly read and dissect a persons speech before correctly briefing them on their own words. Kylie, he has every right to fight for his child, but just because he has those rights doesn't mean he will get them. In the end it is up to the judge to read through both of your stories and decide. He can ask for whatever he wants, but doesn't mean he'll get it!

Ev - posted on 03/28/2016

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Erica--He has rights to see his son unless there are rules on the books saying something about the duration he is gone. I know in some states there is laws that say a father and even a mother can loose their rights to their kids for non-involvement in the kids' lives by the length of time they are gone. Apparently, it must not be such the case in this woman's life. I read all the posts here. These women who answer a lot of questions with advice or thoughts have been here for a long time. I have answered a lot of the same questions that they have. I agree. She just needs to take this to court and see what transpires. There is nothing wrong with him seeing his son too.

Erica - posted on 03/28/2016

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Kylie, let me just start off by saying hello dear! I just read most of the responses to your original question. And all I can say is "OUCH"!!! Ladies, I think alot were too quick in responding with how the world of overly sensitive social media would want you to respond instead of slowing down taking a deep breath and actually trying to understand where she is coming from. She NEVER once said that she wasn't going to let her words"Donor" not see his son. She just asked for some advice on HOW to respond. No one ever actually answered her question. Instead everyone assumed how she might respond and aggressively came at her. NOT RIGHT NOR FAIR! This website is supposed to run off of Respect not Thumps!
Kylie..... Here is my advice for you filled with some life lessons. I've been through what you're going through. It's scary, it's nerve wrecking, it sometimes makes your heart beat faster than normal. I went through that for 7 years with my oldest. She is about to be 10 next month. And I understand why you call the father "donor". Because that's what I called my oldest father. There is a difference between a father and a dad. Any man can contribute his sperm and be called dad but never even know how to spell that childs name who calls them dad. But it takes a real man to choose and stick around long after birth no matter if they're ready to grow up or not and be there to change diapers, help the mom with breastfeeding, doctors appointment, school work, first crushes, bad hair days, talks about drugs and sex and hugs and kisses and first tooth falling out to be called a FATHER! My oldest 's biological sperm donor is what I like to call her DAD. But my husband who has raised her for the past 9 years of her life willingly is what she calls her FATHER!!!! My husband has been in her life since I was 6 months pregnant with her. Before my husband and I met, yes I was in a relationship with her sperm donor "dad". It was one of those if you get pregnant I promise I'll be there to help you raise the child. I was promised the world but in reality not one promise was going to be kept. Soon as I found out he denied the baby even claiming I had slept around "which I didn't". His parents even told me they would pay for me to get an abortion because their son wasn't ready for any kids. Can you say "Nervous breakdown". He basically wiped any thoughts of my existence away. I called and begged him to please be in the child's life. He cursed me out told me to f*** off. After months of waiting, trying and crying I had no other option but to walk away from something that didn't want my baby and become a mother on my own. I received no money, no phone call, nothing even after her birth. After her birth and meeting my now husband I moved to another state started a new family and found true love. I even notified his family of my relocation before moving. 2 years passed and absolutely nothing. Until one day someone serves me papers after getting out the shower at my husband's door. He had found out that I had married and no longer needed him and became bitter as hell. He tried to take me to court for Custody saying I had kept him from seeing his child since birth lmao. And didn't even want to pay child support. He fought that with a passion but the judge wasn't having his lies or irresponsibility. The judge could read right through it. He tried to talk bad about me and my husband whom he had never met. Meanwhile I invited visitation. Which is exactly what he got. He was so pissed. It was like he wanted revenge for me being strong enough to finally leave him and stop following him around like a headless hen! The judge ordered he pay child support. That's the ONLY reason he pays it. Because it was ordered. So for you ladies saying "She had no problem taking his money for child support". How do you know that, her life is not yours. I actually refused child support at first but the state makes you take action for any government assistance help if DNA proves he's the father. And before I met my husband I needed a little help on government assistance but I had to get DNA test done first. Because they weren't going to help in any kind of way until I tried to file for child support first.
So around 2 years of age he was ordered to pay child support finally against every bone in his body and given visitation for a child he didn't know. 3 years would pass before any existence of him again. No phone calls, no birthday calls, no presents no nothing from him. A knock on the door and another serving of papers for Custody again. Can you say "STRESS". In court again he lies and wants full Custody and no child support lol. The judge even laughed. The judge said "What about the man who has actually been in her life for past 5 years". The judge said you expect to just pop up after years of not being in this child's life and rearrange her life from the only father she knows. His reply was "Me and my girlfriend of 1 year will raise her in another state". The judge shook his head and said the old judgement still stands. He was even more pissed than the last time. The judge could even read between the lines. His new girl and his mom was in his ear about not letting me win as if it was a game. And actually I'm supposed to receive 3 times as much child support because his income increased significantly but I refused because it's not about the money. It's about creating as less stress as possible for my husband and I to raise our 3 children. Anyway, after that he visited her twice and both times the cops were called because we met in public and I was alone and he couldn't grasp his reality so he started arguments. After those spread out 2 visits which included no phone calls he disappeared again until 2 years later. When she was 7 another set of Custody papers came. They would be his last. The courthouse was tired of him playing games and pretending to care about our child. My husband and i were broke and had no money to hire any more attorneys from years of fighting him. Sooo, I represented myself. I was scared out of my mind. But i prayed beforehand with my husband and let God lead the way. Because the truth always reveals itself eventually. This judge was a master judge. Which meant her ruling was final and if he ever tried to bring me back to court the other judges wouldn't go against her previous ruling. This time in court he lied so bad on me, he even cried tears. After hours of defending ourselves. And documents I had since her birth to prove he had never called, mailed any gifts or visited more than twice. The judge asked him "Why would you want to take this child away from everything she has learned and knows" he couldn't really answer. The judge said "I can't give you Custody just because your DNA is the same." The judge said "It takes more than two visits and the fact thst you out of the blue want to rip this child from her household after years of absence is irresponsible, you need to build a relationship first with the child first by visiting and calling and showing interest on a regular basis which means if you've been given visitation use it. The judge said "I don't want to see you in my courtroom again." The previous judgement stood and got absolutely Nada he wanted. Not because he truly cared and wanted to be in our daughters life. But because the judge could read through his bs and see that all he cared about was getting back at me and getting Custody so he no longer had to pay child support. We left that courtroom and never heard from him since. She will be 10 next month. Yes, he pays child support, but not because he cares but because the judge made him. Yes, he wanted Custody, but not because he wanted to be in our daughters life but because it would have hurt my life. And even the judge saw that. So ladies, don't be so quick to judge a mother who hesitate to let her child's (dad, donor) into the child's life. Not everyone's situation is written in a happy textbook form. My sure as heck wasn't. But it sure as heck is now. My husband is the most wonderful man to had stuck around through all of this to raise my oldest since birth and our 2 biological kids together.
Kylie. .. keep your head up dear! Whatever is in the dark shall always come to light!!! Contact me anytime for advice, help or even just moral support! !!

Michelle - posted on 03/28/2016

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He is the Father, he has as much right to have a relationship with his child as you do.
Why is he just doing this now? We have no idea. Like Shawnn said, he's finally grown up and realized that he wants to build a relationship with his son before it's too late. The fact that he's been paying child support all these years indicates that he didn't ignore his child completely.
Give your son a chance to know his Father, that's the least you can do for your son.

[deleted account]

I never said I wasn't going to let him see him. I asked if he had a legal leg to stand on even though he's had nothing to do with him (his choice, not mine) up til now. I just wanted to know how I should respond.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/28/2016

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Because he grew up FFS.

You're getting support. There's absolutely NO reason for him not to have a relationship with his son, and it is unforgivable if you do not allow the child to know his father.

[deleted account]

Ok, let me start by saying this: yes I had sex with him and at the time I told him I was pregnant, he said if it's a boy he already had 3, didn't need any more boys. He chose not to be there for my son up to this point, why start now is my question?

Sarah - posted on 03/28/2016

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Your willing to take his money and have him support his child but you are unwilling to let him parent? He has has much right as you to parent he created from a consensual sex act.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/28/2016

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FIRST. This man is not a "donor" in any way. ESPECIALLY if he is paying support, and hasn't asked to see his son until now.

SECOND. YES. Yes, he has not only legal ground to stand on, but I applaud him for doing so.

If you, 13 YEARS ago, did not make sure that he would have access to the child that you and he created TOGETHER, then you can't cry about it now. The man fathered a child, one that you are raising, and apparently keeping from him if he is now threatening legal action. I only wish my husband had taken advantage of the legal process with his ex.

Jodi - posted on 03/28/2016

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I don't like the way you use the word "donor". Donor means someone who GAVE for the benefit of someone else for a GOOD purpose, so using this name in a derogatory way really does disservice to true donors. It is his biological absent father.

With regard to rights, it depends where you live. Chances are, at your son's age, he would have a say in whether he wanted to meet his dad or not. Hopefully you haven't poisoned him about his dad - this may then constitute parental alienation and could potentially be frowned upon.

Raye - posted on 03/28/2016

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First, you had sex with this guy, so he's not a "donor". Real donors sign their rights away and would not be on the hook for financial support. The man who is the biological father of your child does have a right to petition the court for visitation. It's up to the judge on whether the request is granted, and you would both have to abide by the court's decision. Depending on where you live, the court may take into consideration the feelings of the child in question. Have you talked to your son about it? Does he want to get to know his father? Just because you gave birth doesn't mean you hold all the cards. It's about more than your hurt feelings.

Traci - posted on 03/28/2016

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Hi, Not sure what state your in but, in some states the child has the right to choose if he/she wants to have contact at age 13.

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