Wait til they "grow up" and "ignor" and "dis you!"

Frances Mary - posted on 04/18/2014 ( 22 moms have responded )

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I "Sacrificed My Life" and stayed with a 'Husband' who treated me bad, and hurt me a lot "Mentally, and Emotionally" so that my 3 Daughters wouldn't have to live in poverty, or a 'Ghetto!' I'm not "Sorry" I did, but now that they're grown and on their own, they hardly even care to call, or see me, I Loved them so much and worked hard to give them everything! They had a 'Beautiful Home,' and all the 'Clothes,' Toys, etc. a child could want. I've cried my heart out sometimes. They know how 'Sad' I am too, but they don't care, but still I did what I had to do for them. I just wish I had the 'Love, and caring I see some of the older Moms have.' Their so Lucky!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jean Marie - posted on 08/21/2015

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Hi Frances,

I hear you! I find myself wishing that too; to have my sons just come in the door, hug me and say, I just came to visit. Go into the fridge and grab a soda, sit at the table and start pouring out all that he's done this week; what went well, what isn't going well or what new things are going on in his life. To come for a whole day to have a cook out or watch a movie. To call me once a week just to visit and catch up. I feel like a total stranger to them and we were so very close while they were growing up. I just wish I knew what happened; what did I do wrong?

Jodi - posted on 04/18/2014

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To make a decision to stay in a marriage you are unhappy in just so you could give your daughters every material thing they desire is not necessarily better for the children, and to now blame THEM for being ungrateful and treating you badly is not fair. You stayed in a marriage where you were treated badly. You taught them that that is all you are worth. Your relationship with your husband is what you modelled to them as an adult relationship. Giving a child material things is also not going to create a respectful child. You need to model that behaviour and sometimes, they need to learn that it can't all go their way. That is how we learn as human beings, not only to appreciate the things that we do have but how to work hard for the things we want, that they don't just "materialise" out of thin air.

It sounds to me that you sacrificed the wrong things for your children. I am sorry that the price you have had to pay is so hard. But stop blaming them and look at yourself. Treat yourself with the respect you deserve, and they will too.

L - posted on 07/08/2015

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This is support for one another? Why are you attacking each other? Not the sort of site i want to be a part of!

Regina - posted on 05/30/2016

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Sounds like your husband may be a narcissist and have taught it to your children.

Yiayia37 - posted on 08/22/2015

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I just want to hold and hug you sooo much, I can relate to your post so much, with my situation, I've gotten to the point, after the grandchildren were slowly kept away, I now just refuse to get any closer to my three adult daughters!
I have the youngest of 5 home, and she has given 2 beautiful grand daughters to me, and these are the ones who will know me! The other three have nothing of me, they have turned so disrespectful, and ugly, they are very jealous of the one living with me, but so hateful, I have son too, one, whom recently showed me his true Adult colors! Lol, he has helped total strangers better then his own family!
I found out, best thing to do, keep them in prayer and distance yourself, don't allow any more hurt !
Sending you hugs and prayers

22 Comments

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Linda - posted on 09/14/2016

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I did the same and am still doing it and my daughter, married now, mostly ignores me unless she wants something and my son is verbally viscious to me. They certainly do not appreciate anything I did. It is so depressing and I feel quite a sad fat old fool. I financially can no longer afford to leave my husband. The joke is on me evidently.

Beth Ann - posted on 06/26/2015

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I agree with you Jodi --- we teach others how to treat us. In the past five years I've left my 21-year marriage because he refused to be loving towards me and I was not going to spend the rest of my life believing the lie that it's all I was worth. I dated once single and broke up with the two boyfriends I had --- one was an emotional boat anchor and I deserved more than that. The other was so busy admiring himself, he had no time to even once tell me how he felt about me so I broke up with him too. Now I firmly believe that in every person's life should come a time of quiet reflection -- a period of stillness in which to rediscover self. True self - NOT the self that we see reflected in the eyes around us. Especially after raising children - after being in long term relationships -- we come to see ourselves only as that person and we may not actually be who they think we are. Time to take ourselves back unto ourselves. You can't force people to respect you but you sure don't have to take their crap!

Beth Ann - posted on 06/26/2015

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Hate to say it but time to turn your back on what is not working and hasn't been for a long time. ANd when I say turn your back --- I mean, shelter yourself from their slings and arrows. Turn inward and become the nuturing mother to yourself. Learn to love yourself. Is it too late for a divorce? I was in your situation - did ALL I could for the happy home I built but when she left --- so did all the love I'd had. Realized what an EMPTY NEST is -- there was no love there for me. My husband was SO SURPRISED when I left him and took half of his 401K. I'm working now for 5 years.... office work for attorneys which I like but it doesn't pay well - have to do that since making and selling my art is not making me rich but I do that anyway because I enjoy it. My daughter is turning into someone I don't even know - she takes her marching orders from her horrid, much-older boyfriend who doesn't work, doesn't have a car --- lives with her for free -- and fathers babies here and there. Sad to say, she's got one of his little "souveneires". So life's shit kinda --- but at the end of the day --- I am now responsible for only me. If she's turning out badly -- it's NOT because I didn't give mothering her my very best effort. Now I focus on loving myself unconditionally which sounds selfish but it's actually very hard to do since I've spent my whole life focused on the needs of others. Time to get selfish Frances. Make THIS PART of your life about you -- and learning to find and kindle some happiness in your own heart --- happiness that does NOT depend on others. Good luck and try to enjoy the journey. I too wish my daughter treated me with more respect and wanted to see me from time to time. When I was her age --- my mom had been dead for 7 years. She doesn't seem to value me so I stay away. I don't need to feel bad. My niece moved in with me (she pays rent which helps make ends meet) and so I take joy in THAT relationship.

I agree with Shawn though --- -in terms of your random use of quotation marks. Putting quotation marks on something makes its meaning questionable. For example, to say "I own a restaurant" means that I own a restaurant. To say, "I "own" a restaurant" means I DON'T OWN a resturant at all - I'm implying something else not made clear. Save yourself some keystrokes and quit using ' and ". Otherwise, you state your case pretty clearly.

As for your past actions --- I don't doubt you gave parenthood your heart and soul. Be proud of that effort but divorce yourself - if possible -- from the disappointing harvest. You have a greater gift in front of you now - it's your own self.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/30/2014

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Well, I'm done. You're another one who refuses to accept responsibility for her own past actions, and to be quite honest, I'm tired of trying to decipher your posts, with their lack of structure, lack of proper (or even an attempt at) punctuation.

You're contradicting yourself at least every other sentence.

And what's with the random use of quotation marks? If you want to EMPHASIZE something, it's a lot easier to use caps, imo.

Stop trying to rationalize why you raised your kids in a dysfunctional home, as a witness to your alleged abuse.

Get yourself into some counseling. I pray that it helps you.

Frances Mary - posted on 04/30/2014

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No!...Shawnn Lively! I showed my 'Children' that I 'Loved them more!'.......A 'Mother' always puts her 'Children First!' I don't regret for a minute what I did! And for your information and that 'Cold Blooded Jodi....!' What part of "I worked hard to help "SUPPORT MY FAMILY" did she NOT GET...?! I also 'Loved my Daughters a lot and we were very close. I never dreamed that we would ever have a problem with them not always being as "loving and affectionate" as they were, but things change a lot when children grow up and they move away. Distance has a way of separating families sometimes. Like the saying, "Out of Sight, Out of Mind." At first, for quite a number of years we were still close but over time, and not seeing eachother we did grow apart.
I also did a lot of other things in my life at that time......I was a 'Professional Singer,' a 'Dancer' and a 'Song Writer.' I did a lot of different kinds of work to keep the family going. What I 'DID NEED' the most was 'COUNSELING!'.....What I neglected to mention in all that I said was that I had some very serious 'Mental and Emotional Problems' from being 'Sexually Molested' at the age of two, and three years old by an Uncle who would come into my bed late at night when my Mother would go out drinking with her friends and leave me alone. I finally did get 'SOME COUNSELING' because things were different then, e.g. People didn't talk about 'Counseling,' and 'Help' for "Adult children of Sexual Abuse" then. Believe it or not, "The Oprah Winfrey Show" helped a great deal in this regard. I really never knew until I saw some programs she had on TV that being 'Sexually Abused' as a child could still affect you so much as an 'Adult.' In
addition, at about the age of 30yrs old, I started getting 'Severe Migrains' and couldn't
keep a 'Job!' That's why I "Admire" some women so much that can raise their children on their own simply because 'THEY CAN HOLD A JOB!' I couldn't...! No matter how hard I tried, and I finally found out 'WHY' when Oprah had a show once where she explained that 'Adult People' of 'Sexual Abuse' can have a hard time dealing with "Authority," or "Authoritive Figures"....(if you will)......Thank God, I have had a lot of 'Counseling' since though, but it was way too late. My then 'Husband' wouldn't let me go for 'Counseling.' I kept telling him "I think I need some counseling for my problem with the 'Sexual Abuse,' but he kept talking me out of it and saying I was alright and didn't need any counseling. By the time I finally did because the 'Migrains' weren't going away anymore, my children were half grown. I had "no problems" with my Daughters until long after they left home and on their own. Prior to that we were very close and loving to eachother. Life, Time, and Distance, has a way of 'Changing a lot of things!' All the best to all the 'Mothers' who haven't reached my stage of life. I wish them all 'Luck' and 'Blessings' and have 'Children' who will still be "There For Them" in their "Retirement Years," and "Old Age."

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/21/2014

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1) “ I didn't "just stay" to give them "Material Things"....I only mentioned that to say that's how much I Loved and adorded them.
I also showed them a lot of "LOVE" ....not, just 'Material things!'....That's NOT why I stayed. I stayed so that my Daughters would have a nice home, and 2 parents that loved them!”
If you stayed so that they’d have a “nice home”, and “all the clothes, toys, etc a child could want”, YOU STAYED TO GIVE THEM MATERIAL ITEMS. A child does NOT need to live in the same home as both parents to still have TWO LOVING PARENTS.
2) By staying in that home, you showed them that you valued yourself very little. Your children only respond to you in the way that they do because you taught them that you don’t have self respect enough to get out of an abusive relationship.
You claim that you did it to avoid the “ghetto” and your daughters being “raped & murdered”…well, you sold yourself short there as well, by automatically assuming that you would not be able to support yourself and your children. By doing so, you again validated the very treatment you’re speaking of.
3) You are taking offense at women who are making observations based on what you’ve posted. So far, I agree with Jodi’s, and Michelle’s observations.
ALL of us have kids here. This is a site for MOMS. Asking us if we’ve got kids, or presuming to tell us that ‘we don’t know’ your situation is kind of missing the point. We have kids, or we wouldn’t be on a MOM website. Furthermore, we only ‘know’ what you share. So far, you have shared that you were in a loveless, abusive marriage that you maintained ‘for the sake of the kids’…which is a huge mistake, IMO
4) ” You seem like a "VERY COLD-HEARTED PERSON".....which is the "Opposite" of the
way I am. I am a very "Loving, and Giving" kind of person.
What I said to you was, I did spoil my daughters maybe with "too much of giving to
them and when the "Giving stopped, and I needed 'help' from them they just weren't
"giving back!" I'm referring to the times long after they left home and were on their own
(so to speak). I was a "Life Insurance Agent" for many years and made a lot of money
so I continued to give them a lot. They would call me whenever they needed 'MONEY' and I never "Refused." They would say, "Oh, Thank you Mom, I'll pay you back," and my "Famous Words to them were, No, you don't have to 'pay me back but if I ever NEED HELP, you can 'HELP ME!'.
This response was mainly directed at Jodi, as she was the only one responding at this point, but I must point out that you just confirmed what she’d observed: That you spoilt your children to the point where they felt you should ALWAYS provide for them. Therefore, when you quit providing for them, and expected them to do the same for you, they got upset. Well, they got upset because you all of a sudden changed your MO. Instead of handing out cash, and giving them everything they asked for, you said no. With anyone who’s become accustomed to a certain way of life (whether that’s extravagance, or drinking, or drugs), there is a period of ‘withdrawal’ when what they are accustomed to is taken away. You just saw the back side of “SPOILT CHILD WITHDRAWAL”. YOU created that, by teaching them all their lives that material things (nice house, expensive clothes, ANYTHING THEY WANT) were more important to you than health and happiness.
5) “p.s. I forgot to respond to your "Insensitive Comment" about "My so -called "Loveless Marraige!"......As far as that part was concerned, they NEVER KNEW THEN, HOW I FELT. Yes, they heard "Arguements" sometimes, but who doesn't argue!? If you say you never do, your full of 'Shit!'”
Go ahead and tell me I’m FULL OF SHIT then, because I’ve been happily married 25 years, and we’ve NEVER ARGUED. We’ve had our aggravated times, yes, but NEVER argued. We’re a team, my husband and I, and we back each other up. HE is the most important person in my life, closely followed by my sons, and I am the most important person in his life. We CHERISH each other, and our relationship, and we’re proud to say we’re still going strong after 25 years.

Don’t presume to tell ME what my relationship is like, because, honey, you’re more than welcome to come personally observe it any time. Quit making blanket statements such as “if you say you never do, your full of shit”.
6) “ Please 'DON'T RESPOND ANYMORE'”
I addressed this in my post on the welcome page: THIS IS NOT your personal FB page, nor your personal blog. You cannot dictate who will, and who will not respond. Nice attempt though ;-)

Were I your kids, experiencing what you’ve ‘described’, I’d probably be a selfish, spoilt brat as well, and I’d want as little to do with you as possible.

A - posted on 04/20/2014

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I know this has nothing to do with the topic, but I am wondering why the quotes?

Michelle - posted on 04/19/2014

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After reading your update I can now see why your children are treating you this way. They have always known that if they were stuck you would bail them out and now you've just told them you can't. You have been their own personal bank and now you've had to cut off the money and ask for some.
Sorry, but you have raised your children to not work hard for what they want. Even if they had a job, they possibly lived outside their means. Now that they have to budget and watch what they spend it is probably a rude shock for them.
Staying in a bad marriage is more harmful to the children than being a single Mother. As you can see, giving your children everything they want isn't the best way to raise them. For a child to grow the main things they need is love and support. Those things are free.
I got out of my bad marriage and my children from that marriage are the best kids. They are very loving and are doing well in school. I have never lived in a ghetto or in poverty as I worked hard to make sure I had a roof over our head and food on the table. The children know the value of money as I would let them know if I could afford something or not. They have also been given opportunities that many other children haven't. It's all about balance.

Ariana - posted on 04/19/2014

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I think the issue of your marriage and daughters are different.

Most mothers and fathers sacrifice a lot for their children. Ultimately what you did in your life was YOUR choice not the choice of your children. Staying in an unhappy marriage was your decision. Do you feel like this was the best decision for your children? Do you regret it? Whatever the answer YOU chose this path, not them. They asked nothing of you as children.

On that note if you were good to them, and did many great things for them in their childhood they may be taking you for granted. Sometimes kids get really self absolved and forget that you're a person not just 'their mom'. You did do things for them and they should be more appreciative.

You might want to work on trying to just give them a call and remind them that you love them and want to spend time with them. People lose touch, get involved in their own things and it may have nothing to do with you. Do you see each other during holidays for dinner? Do you have or can you create traditions the family does or at least tries to do annually?

I'm sure you've done much for them and you're probably right, they probably aren't being appreciative. That being said I disagree that they should be brought up in the fact that you stayed in an unhappy marriage even if they were a factor, that was your choice not theirs. They should visit more and you may want to talk to them about some of it (without bringing up the marriage stuff...).

Why don't you say the truth that you miss them and feel like they've disregarded you now that they're older. It's the truth and it turns it more into an opportunity for them to go to you as apposed to blaming them and having them get defensive.

I hope some of that is helpful!

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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You know what? It is really rude of you to start calling people pompous when you haven't even told the whole story. You also have no idea what stage of life I am in. You have no idea what my life holds, you have no clue because "I" didn't post bitching about my kids. YOU did. But YOU DID IT WITHOUT GIVING THE WHOLE STORY and then you expected the right answers?????

If you speak to your children the way you just posted to me, I wouldn't want anything to do with you either. I'd be running as far in the other direction as I could.

Frances Mary - posted on 04/19/2014

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p.s. I forgot to respond to your "Insensitive Comment" about "My so -called "Loveless Marraige!"......As far as that part was concerned, they NEVER KNEW THEN, HOW I FELT. Yes, they heard "Arguements" sometimes, but who doesn't argue!? If you say you never do, your full of 'Shit!' Plus, the "Arguements" I had were always mostly for him to take the 'Family out!'.......He never wanted to go anywhere! He wanted to keep me "Barefoot, and Pregant," and I was just the opposite! I worked very hard to give my Daughters a good home. Please 'DON'T RESPOND ANYMORE' you really don't know what your talking about until you reach my age! You'll see how a lot of things change!

Frances Mary - posted on 04/19/2014

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You are so "Pompous!"....(Full of Splendor, and Magnificense), and I'm 'Happy' for you.
But you are NOT YET in the "Stage of your Life" that I'm in.

You just don't know the whole story which is way too long to talk about here.

To answer your "Questions" ...Of course I've called my Children and even visited them when I could, and they've called me too and visited me in the past when I was in "your stage of life" (so to speak), but "TIME" and "DISTANCE" has a way of changing things in families a lot.

I have many 'Great Girlfriends' that I've talked to about this situation and of course they
know a lot more than you do about my life. Most of them also share a lot of the same problems as I do, (meaning), if their children are living far away, usually "out of state," and they don't get to see or talk to them very much.
I'm not saying that my Daughters don't "Love Me" still. I 'KNOW THEY DO' and they
tell me they do. As far as "Respect" goes, I've treated my Daughters with a great deal
of "Respect" and "Love."
You seem like a "VERY COLD-HEARTED PERSON".....which is the "Opposite" of the
way I am. I am a very "Loving, and Giving" kind of person.
What I said to you was, I did spoil my daughters maybe with "too much of giving to
them and when the "Giving stopped, and I needed 'help' from them they just weren't
"giving back!" I'm referring to the times long after they left home and were on their own
(so to speak). I was a "Life Insurance Agent" for many years and made a lot of money
so I continued to give them a lot. They would call me whenever they needed 'MONEY' and I never "Refused." They would say, "Oh, Thank you Mom, I'll pay you back," and my "Famous Words to them were, No, you don't have to 'pay me back but if I ever NEED HELP, you can 'HELP ME!'.......lol!....I never dreamed that the day would come when I would have to "ask them for help!" That's when the "ABUSE" started! The "Middle One, especially!" She was so 'SHOCKED,' and 'ANGRY' that I even asked her for 'Help' that she didn't speak to me for months! (Are you getting a better picture here?)........I was so "SHOCKED" myself because I always thought that they would respond with "Caring, and Love" the way I always had to them. Prior to that, I talked to them almost daily on the phone, and never had any problems with them. This is a "VERY SAD SITUATION" and I almost died of 'Heartbreak.' I cried my heart out many times when they started to treat me like that, and in fact, was taken to a 'Pschiatric Hospital' for a 3 day evaluation because I didn't want to live anymore.


I'm not saying that my Daughters don't still "Love Me." I know they do, and they tell
me they do, but like you said about "your Daughter," their busy with their own lives,






working, and taking care of their business









en you get to this stage of life, meaning more like 70's, & 80's, a lot of children

just don't seem to care to call or visit. But then I'm referring mostly to children who are
located in another state or something.

Jodi - posted on 04/19/2014

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LOL, of course I have children, and mine wouldn't treat me like yours treat you. You don't actually "deserve" respect, you have to earn it too. You don't automatically get it just because you are the parent. Respect goes both ways. Sitting back and expecting it purely because you think you deserve it is asking for disappointment. Also, do YOU make attempts to contact THEM (not just the other way around)? Do YOU call THEM? Do YOU visit THEM?

With regard to "staying" children are often also traumatised by people staying in a loveless relationship. As I said, you taught them how to treat you by showing them how badly your husband treated you. Not a rude or insensitive comment, just a very realistic one.

And on a final note, it is pretty typical, once children are grown, to go out and enjoy their own life. They become busy people too. I have a 22 year old daughter who has 2 jobs and attends university full time. We catch up occasionally, but trying to get our lives in sync is very difficult (my husband and I also work and have younger children as well). So we catch up when we can, often at our initiation because she gets caught up in her own busy life. I don't see it as a personal affront to us, but a testament to a girl who was raised with a good work ethic and has a normal busy and happy life.

Frances Mary - posted on 04/18/2014

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What's "your story?".......Do you even "HAVE CHILDREN?!".......Are they treating you well if they're 'Grown?'........If they are, your very 'Lucky' because I'm definitely NOT THE ONLY MOTHER WHOSE CHILDREN DON'T SHOW THEIR MOTHER THE "RESPECT AND LOVE" THEY DESERVE! I read a lot of stories of Mother's who are suffering with "Broken Hearts" because their children are not there for them.

I "ADMIRE" Mothers who have children who visit them and show their Mother 'Love.' I wish I knew their "Secret."
I 'do admit, though,' that I "spoiled them too much" and when I needed 'Help' they couldn't believe it, I guess, because 'THAT'S' when the 'Middle One' turned on me! My youngest daughter does help me out sometimes, and I'm very grateful to her, not for the 'Monetary Means,' but for the "Caring."

Frances Mary - posted on 04/18/2014

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Your very "Insensitive" and you've got everything all wrong! I didn't "just stay" to give them "Material Things"....I only mentioned that to say that's how much I Loved and adorded them.
I also showed them a lot of "LOVE" ....not, just 'Material things!'....That's NOT why I stayed. I stayed so that my Daughters would have a nice home, and 2 parents that loved them! A lot of people are too quick to "Separate" and the Children are "Traumatised!"
Also, I had some 'Problems' which I'm not going to go into whereby I couldn't seem to "keep a job!".......There's NO WAY I was going to go live in a 'Ghetto'/Low Class Neighborhood where my 'Beautiful Daughters' could be 'Raped' or 'Murdered!!!' I don't 'Regret' what i did for a moment. My story was really too much to go into to about what happened with mainly "My Middle Daughter."

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