Wanting a baby when your partner doesn't

Victoria - posted on 12/29/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I am in a bit of a confusing situation. I am a divorced mother of 2 and in a new relationship. My new partner has 3 children. I really really want another baby. I am in my 30s and he is in his early 40s. He had a vasectomy after his 3rd child. The whole baby situation is part of the reason I left my marriage. I have always longed for a 3rd child. I have discussed this with him and I don't feel he understands. His answer is NO doesn't matter how bad I want it or what I have to say. I find myself crying all of the time and I am absolutely heartbroken over the situation. I don't want this to be a deal breaker in our relationship as I have really fallen for him. Our kids adore each other and we have a great blended family. I just really really want this with him and I can't get the feeling out of my head. I have begged and pleaded with him and even found myself almost laying guilt trips. I am so lost and upset over this and don't know what to do! Am I selfish for leaving a relationship over this one issue? It does mean a lot to me but so does he!

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Jodi - posted on 12/29/2013

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So obviously you want another baby more than you want a partner that you love and more than you want the life you currently have with him. That's what you have to weigh up. If your hope is an outcome where you get to have another baby, I think you are going to be disappointed - that's why your counselling isn't working, because that is the outcome you are hoping for, and the definition of successful counselling for you is that you get to have this baby.

Have you tried to go to counselling for yourself to determine why this need to have another baby is so strong that it will destroy the relationship with the man you love, as well as once again put your children and his children in an unstable situation?

Victoria - posted on 12/29/2013

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I totally understand what you are saying. He has toyed with my emotions a bit by telling me he would think about it (totally got my hopes up then says nope i never wanted another). I really truly got my hopes up. I know I definitely should of seen this earlier but i was so fogged by the dream of having another baby i thought once hes seen that we are in a completely different situation now then in the beginning that he would want this with me as well. I can't talk to him about it he just gets angry. we are trying counselling but it doesn't seem to be working so far with the longing to have another baby. I want this with him more then anything.

Jodi - posted on 12/29/2013

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He does understand, he just doesn't agree with you. Just because he says no, no matter how you tell him, doesn't mean he doesn't understand. You knew going into this relationship that he wanted no more children, heck, he had a vasectomy. There's something I often say to my children - "It doesn't matter how many different ways you ask me, or how many times, my answer will still be no". That doesn't mean I don't understand their perspective, just that I don't agree with it and I will not be manipulated into it.

Are you selfish for leaving the relationship because of this issue? No, but maybe it was something you should have seen earlier. And maybe it is something you need to make very clear with any future potential partner, rather than allowing your kids to get attached to them only to pull the plug because you want another baby - that would be selfish.

Or maybe and alternative would be for you to have some counselling to see if you can get past this feeling of wanting another baby.

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