Wanting to tell my daughter I am not her biological father

John - posted on 03/11/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Ladies,

I need some advice. I currently have an 8 1/2 year old beautiful daughter that I love very much. I have helped raise her from birth, with her biological mother. I was unable to have children because of a medical condition. My wife at the time (been divorced for almost 2 years) really wanted a child in the worst way. So she did. The story on how my daughter was conceived is very sketchy and murky to say the least. My ex has told me a few different versions over the years. I knew that since I was unable to father a child that this was the one of the only ways for US to have one together. So I decided to stay and raise our daughter together. My ex and I had many many heated discussions on when the best time would be to tell our daughter the truth. My ex did not want to hear any of it. Her master plan was to conceal the truth forever. No one needed to know, it was no one business. I on the other hand felt that our daughter needed to here it from us rather from someone else by accident; there is a select few people who do know that I am not the father. My ex would not budge. So we lived the lie to this day. Well after 7 plus years it was not working out. So I filed for divorce. I see my daughter regularly and we enjoy each others company and have a great time. She has not fully adjusted to the divorce but things are better. I have told many close friends, family and working associates about what I am going through. Each of them have said that "your daughter has the right to know the truth", 'no matter how much pain it will inflict or if she doesn't want to see you again". I get all of that. However; I know if I go to my ex and explain to her for the one thousand time that our daughter deserves the right to know the truth. My ex will not go along with it. So should I do it anyways and then tell my ex what I did and then let the chips fall where they may or should I go to her and try to convince her we should tell her together?

Help me ladies!!!

2 Comments

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Kristi - posted on 03/15/2013

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John--

I normally just get pissed and report guys for being on here. It's kind of a privacy, safe haven thing for me. But, when I read your post I felt like I should put my two cents in because I was your daughter, so to speak.

You are right about your daughter deserving/needing to know the truth. Your ex is nuts if she thinks that she can keep that a secret forever. However, this is a very delicate situation that can go wrong in 100 different ways at various points in life.

Let me ask, are you listed as her father on the birth certificate, did you adopt her? Is there a custody agreement in place? I only ask because if you do tell your daughter without your ex's permission, your ex may retaliate and keep your daughter from you out of spite if you don't have any legal standing.

I would recommend waiting until your daughter is a little more well adjusted to the divorce. How she responds to you will depend partly on your past and current relationship with her. For example, if she blames you for the divorce and feels like you abandon her, things will probably not go over too well for you. If you guys are pretty solid, you should be fine.

My guess is that mommy might not know, for sure, who the sperm donor is or she is too ashamed to admit who he is and how she got pregnant. That is why she doesn't want to tell your daughter.

I must say, it takes a pretty big man to look the other way so his wife could have another man's baby and then raise that baby as his own. I don't know any man that could do that. Your daughter is very lucky to have you.

There are so many layers to these situations. My daughter's older half sister, biologically step sister, was in the same situation. That turned into one heaping pile of dog shit thanks to my exhusband. Fortunately, things worked themselves out for her but it sure took awhile.

It's hard to give the "right" advice on here, at least for me with this topic because there are so many factors to be considered and it's impossible to play that all out on a comment board. If you'd like to discuss anything further, please feel free to private message me. Either way, I wish you and your daughter the best of luck. No matter what, never let her forget how much you love her and remind her that you will always be there for her, whether she's 13 or 33.

Onetraeh - posted on 03/14/2013

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Tht's a very tough situation since u & your ex didn't tell her from the beginning & the other thing is if u do tell her she will probably want to meet her biological dad @ some point so hopefully there would be a way to make contact with him.I don't blame ya for going tht route to conceive;it's cheaper than in vitro right?anyway also u said your daughter is not completely adjusted to the divorce?so maybe give it a little more time such as a year or so since I'm sure it's been a traumatic time for her already seeing her family break up & then to find out her dad isn't really her dad idk it might be too much right now;of course you're her dad in everyway tht counts & tht's the most important thing.I think it's lovely tht you've stayed in her life & ya maybe talk to the mum about it again but again I would give it a little more time so tht she doesn't feel the sky is falling in

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