Anonymous - posted on 12/10/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )
So this is going to be a LONG one, but I guarantee it will be your "WTF of the day...."
To begin, I have created an anonymous account because I fear making a bad situation way worse by accidently connecting to facebook or something.
My husband and I got married in 2011. We also had a baby in 2011, a few months after. We fell in love, it happened quick, and on birth control I found myself pregnant. In all fairness and honesty, though I was having some weird symptoms and side effects from Nuva Ring, I didn't believe I could get pregnant because my body was doing weird things. We SHOULD have been more careful (i.e. using two forms of BC, etc) though my doctor told me the BC was 'working correctly'. My then fiance wanted, wanted, wanted the baby and was sooooooo excited about (the idea of) it. But here we are and I had a baby via C-Section after a very difficult high risk pregnancy (was in a serious car accident, broke my hip, had anemia, have Celiac Disease, had internal bleeding, hospitalized 3 times for complications, etc). We didn't get married BECAUSE of the baby, but I was afraid of what people would think so we moved the date up to avoid her being born after we got married.
We were very happy before the baby. We got along great. My husband owned 3 businesses. I supported us and we lived in my apartment. I had a full time job and my degree. Then the company shut down and I lost everything. And he lost all his businesses due to his own problems. I was in a car accident and medical bills piled up. We ended up having to live with my in-laws a few months before our wedding.
Before we were married, while we were married and after the baby was born, there was always something "weird" about his family's reaction to me. Though before we lived with them, they seemed enthusiastic and were nice to me.
A few months before I had the baby, after we had moved out of his parent's, my husband began acting weird. Like, psychosis weird. I have a Bachelor's in Science for Psych and qualified to go to med school and was waiting to try to get in but then came life. Anyway, I suspected he had depression or something undiagnosed like BPD. He began getting obsessed with numbers and dates and demanded I have the baby on a particular date and when I didn't (sorry, I'm just not that good), he had a full on medically defined panic attack. He started missing work, acting crazy and making our life hell. He refused to get help despite my begging and pleading. We had no money and I had no job and he couldn't be trusted to watch the baby. He had to go on meds and when the baby was 9 months old was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder after months of erratic behavior and finally tried to injure himself seriously by stabbing himself in the neck with a pen. He was a psych in-patient ward for a week.
His mother, who had been urging me for a YEAR to call the cops on him because he was crazy and put him in a hospital to get him help, now blamed me for "putting him in there." His whole family didn't believe mental illness was real and that I forced him into the hospital because I was the crazy one. All of a sudden, the mother and son who hadn't been talking for 2 years and hated each other were best of friends. They convinced him to not take his medication because only criminals and bad people are on meds (nearly ALL of my FIL's side of the family is on meds, it's just my FIL and his immediate family that believes mental illness doesn't exist). Within a month of him stopping meds on his own, he relapsed and almost ended up involuntary in the hospital and had become violent and aggressive towards me. I feared for my safety and came close to just taking baby and leaving. He's been getting better since.
For the whole year before he was admitted, his mother was convincing me there was a ton wrong with her son. That he was a terrible person. That he was "abandoning me". Granted, he was acting what appeared to be extremely immature. He refused to get a job, he refused to take care of himself, he refused to do what was common sense to me. Now we know it's because he was not properly monitored or medicated with therapy. It was also because his father INSISTS on doing EVERYTHING (no exaggeration) for him. From his laundry to feeding him, to getting him a job because he REFUSED to get a job, to bringing him lunch every day since they work in the same place to taking my husband's car for an oil change and then paying for everything though my FIL himself if totally broke from putting thousands on his credit card to support his son. It's created a completely dependent monster who cannot do ANYTHING for himself. Worse, my husband won't eat breakfast unless I'm making it for him or take care of himself because he's so used to everything being done for him. (Before we were married this was NOT his behavior! That's what drives me batty! He respected my rules in my apartment, cleaned, helped, acted like an adult before his breakdown, etc, but not now!!!).
Anyway, my MIL would tell me things about him that you would normally hide from people. About his exes, about his life, about his problems. About how "messed up" he was. She would even go so far as to tell me that if she could warn me to not marry him she would have. Vengeful horrible things about him. This was all because they were "mad at each other." Now I wonder if it's because she is bipolar or otherwise undiagnosed.
She was there for me before the birth, telling me I was silly to think that she wasn't going to be there for me or not help out or that she wasn't going to be staying over when the baby was born. She was somewhat supportive, though it was always limited. Then the baby came and she never made good on a single thing SHE offered. She dropped me like a sack of potatoes. In fact, she avoided the whole thing and helping, constantly making remarks she didn't even want to be called "grandma" because it made her feel old. She hid from us and there was NO help. She never once visited our apartment and never once helped voluntarily with a single tiny thing. My husband insists on driving out to them at least twice a week to visit and do our laundry there as an excuse to constantly go over there. The ONLY 3 times she's changed her grandchild's diaper was when she was showing me how to "do it better" because I'm "not good enough and too slow". Everything is a competition. Everything I do is wrong according to her.
When they get along, she tells him horrible things about me and tries to break us up. When she's mad at him, she's my best friends and on my side.
I have done my best to ignore the drama. But it's now started getting serious and I'm wondering if I'm literally being driven insane. I've been very depressed as you can imagine. We only have one car, now live in a bad neighborhood because it's all we can afford, we have literally no money (though my husband is now agreeing to get a part time job since we're -$200 in debt EVERY month and I'm "not allowed' to get a job), no help and I have no one to talk to every single day. That's right. Not a single soul. I have no friends anymore (you try explaining why your husband is in a psych ward and keeping your friends), no family (my parents lost custody of me when I was a kid for being terrible parents) and I have nothing to do all day. We don't have TV or ANY luxuries so I literally have to sit in silence or talking to a one year old all day long with NOTHING else going for me. At times, we literally have no food in the house. But my husband eats at least 3 meals a day because his father makes him food and brings it to work. Yet, we don't qualify for assistance (we WERE temporarily on WIC before we were married) because we make like $30 too much a month. My husband will NOT contribute to the chores because he "works all day" a whole 8 hours and everything is done so I can't leave the house or get a job. Same 4 walls. Tried going for a walk, it's been problematic with the neighborhood (harassed and threatened, only white people in a very poor high crime ethnic neighborhood near gang problems next town over) I work 16-18 hours straight, am up all night, am trying to do terrible online work for less than $5 an hour all night on the computer just to try to put some food on the table. We cannot afford child care for me to work.
Now I find out I'm pregnant because I'm 2 months late and have morning sickness. But I'm too scared to take the test to prove it.
My husband has been going on recently about how our finances are all fixed because he's getting a promotion and how the second job is helping and how we have EXTRA money each month. He wrote out all sorts of numbers, made it sound great and made promises and manipulated me for weeks (the same as he ALWAYS does with his great ideas). He convinced me we HAD to have another baby because if they're not 2 years apart then it'll be bad for the baby and he hated being so far apart from his siblings, etc. Now this week, he's singing a different tune and we somehow have no money again, thanks to his bipolar disorder which he CONVINCED me was under control. I feel stupid for wanting so much to believe it, but it's like he can't go more than a few months without a relapse making me think it's finally over.
He won't let me see the finances, hides all the money and tells me I have no business knowing ANYTHING about the money or having access because I'm not the one working.
Anyway, he got his mother to come over for the first time yesterday because he told her I was "going off the deep end" and was crazy and might do something to the baby and I was the one who had problems and I was depressed. No, I had the flu and was pissed at him for whatever he didn't help with that day. It's been weeks since I've even had an afternoon to myself. I told him I was about to just drop the baby off at a daycare we can't afford because I NEED to get things done without the baby constantly clawing at me and need time to myself. Anyway, she shows up and tells me she knows I'm very sick but "has to clear the air because things have gone on too long." My husband has refused to tell them my history, why I don't have parents in my life, etc, and told all sorts of made up stories, due to his bipolar. They "don't know me," and they have "tried to love me" but I'm the one making everything very difficult on their family. And I'm causing everyone so much stress and problems (completely isolated and not in contact with them except for once a week, mind you). My MIL basically explained she wants nothing to do with being a grandmother because it "makes her feel old."
Her whole position is her son made her life too hard and now that he's out of the house he still needs help and it's not fair and she's DONE with drama and wants a break (her husband, my FIL is extremely abusive and she has to take care of ALL his family) and it's not fair that she has to even THINK about helping us. That we should apply for assistance or do anything to not ask for even the smallest bit of help from them. That we're adults and shouldn't need help and "f*ck you!" Yes, she told me to "f ourselves because I was depressed." I have "no right to be depressed about anything." She had post partum depression but somehow believes that it doesn't exist for ANYONE else in the world. No one else has "real PPD" because she "knows PPD" and I'm not depressed enough. She also had my husband's grandparents helping them every single day buying them everything, but she resents it because it "made her life hell having her husband's family live with her and RUINED her life." So she thinks life has been too unfair to her and she doesn't have to help. Fine. I get that. It IS our kid. I WANT to be responsible, but my husband refuses to. I get it is a growing trend for grandparents to not help but I don't get what she said next:
After she told me that my husband doesn't have any disorder and that it's all made up in his head because there is "no such thing as mental illness" and I couldn't be depressed because I don't have enough to be depressed about, she told me that no, my husband SHOULDN'T be expected to help out. That he gets two days off a week and I get ZERO every week until the baby is in school. That he's allowed to go out with friends and spend money and I am not because I am at home. I should "find a way to make money at home and hide it from him because that's just what you do." She says men CANNOT be expected to do ANY work because 'that's the way it is' and it's MY job to take care of the baby by myself and be alone because that's how life is and I have to grow up. I told her I didn't agree and he HAS to help out sometimes, I NEED a break. She told me it was MY decision to have a baby and I told her it was OUR decision. She then told me no, it wasn't our decision. That it was MY decision to not get an abortion and because I chose to not have an abortion it's my job for life with no break to take care of the baby "as punishment."
She told me she "probably shouldn't say that" because she is "catholic" but that if I couldn't handle raising a baby alone because that's "how the world is" then I should have had an abortion and not told her about it because she wouldn't have wanted to know. She then told me that we shouldn't have ANY more kids because we are just adding too much to her and making HER family fall apart with our stress and drama and our problems. So we shouldn't have any more kids and I know about abortions, etc. instead of ruining their lives and mine.
She also told me she believes she is part psychic and was tested for it and has special powers, etc. but she is "very religious." And this is the first time she's ever said I should have had an abortion- she has ALWAYS stressed the baby was a gift from god given to us before we were ready and loves to show pictures of grandbaby off.
So....I'm pretty positive I'm pregnant but still haven't taken that test out of fear. My MIL thinks I, not their son, is 'ruining their life' and that I should have had an abortion and should have an abortion (she doesn't know I'm pregnant, but I am pretty sure suspects it). My husband is mentally unhinged at times, though he has been going to therapy and truly getting better. I have to wait 3 more weeks to see my own therapist (though we cannot afford it), I'm living in hell and want to run away and never come back. There are days where I can only eat one meal a day even if it's ramen because we can't afford anything. My shoes have holes, I haven't bought a single new item of clothes in 4 years; my husband tells me to buy new shoes one day and then on other days that we cannot even afford that. Me buying ANYTHING I need could mean not paying the rent. Yet he walks around with brand new shoes and clothes, he got himself a new iPhone 4 a few weeks ago, he has his toys and games and his family buys him treats and snacks and clothes and I am expected to have literally nothing. I don't think they SHOULD buy me anything (I'm sure as hell not entitled), but it doesn't help my resentment of him.
I have had to give up EVERYTHING, including my possessions, life and sanity. He refuses to give up anything and even hoards garbage (i.e. candy wrappers of his favorite snacks in 4th grade, old items he won't throw away, etc) and hasn't lost anything except his hours a day he used to watch tv and netflix on his phone.
I've been trying to talk to my husband about how we CANNOT afford another baby, how I cant handle being completely alone 24/7 especially with two babies and how I just cannot do it. He told me I have no choice because once we're pregnant, we're pregnant and I can't change it and it's too bad. I CHOSE to marry him and do what he wants because he "works so hard" and it's selfish of me to essentially not follow his "requests." He tells me I'm selfish for focusing on my needs and bothering him at least once a day trying to talk to him about it and in the same sentence tells me HE NEEDS to relax and nap and unwind and "deserves" it. If I decided anything different (i.e. not have this baby), he would hate me forever, get a divorce, make my life hell, etc.Not sure if divorce is really too terrible a plan. He has no idea what his mother has said or that I do want an abortion.
What on earth can I possibly do with this terrible situation?