Was I Wrong?

Firebird - posted on 08/23/2009 ( 66 moms have responded )

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My ex came over yesterday to pick up our daughter for the weekend. When he came in he saw a flurry of toys scattered throughout the house, some hand wash only items sitting on my counter waiting to be washed when my girl was with her dad and a small pile of bills and misc papers stacked on my kitchen table. Then he looks at me and says "Do you think you could clean up a bit?". All my dishes were done, my floors get cleaned regularly as does the cat box. My garbage had been taken out, my house doesn't stink and there is no mold growing anywhere (I don't have laundry machines so I wash clothes at my moms once a week). All of the mess was toys because my cousin's twins were over the day before and I was too tired to pick up what they didn't (they put away about half of the toys themselves). I told my ex that if my house was stinky and gross, if things were growing on my counters and he had reason to be concerned about our daughter's health then he could by all means ask me to clean up, but if there's only toys on the floor then he can mind his own damn business! Was I wrong to tell him off like that? Does he actually have the right to come into MY house and ask me to clean up when the only mess was toys that had been lying on the floor for less than 24 hours?

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Jackie - posted on 08/24/2009

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I hope this helps!! Don't let him get to you. You are mom you know whats best and what/when things need to be done!



*Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry, and pick you up and take you to the park to play.



*Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.



*Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.



*Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck and I will buy you one if he comes by.



*Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.



*Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.



*Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.



*Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.



*Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.



*Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.



*Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows.



*Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.



*I will think about the mothers And fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of

their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore.



*And when I kiss you good night I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask Him for nothing, except one more day.............

Sharon - posted on 08/23/2009

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He doesn't have that right.



I would have done what you did, if not more cruely.

66 Comments

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Paula - posted on 08/21/2013

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No your not wrong! And why is even allowed in your house? If he is just picking up or dropping off your child, he should meet you at your DOOR! You should never allow him in your house! What if something were to happen and you had no witnesses? I don't care if he's a good or bad egg, but he should not be entering your house at all!

Cathy - posted on 08/26/2009

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No you were not wrong. People like to criticise. Like you said it not like you have a dirty house just a bit messy. You are allowed to leave things on the floor especially as when you do tidy up it can all be out again in 5 seconds! He should come to my house when I can't be bothered to wash up for a couple of days!!

Lynne - posted on 08/26/2009

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No he has no right. He's you EX. Tell him there's a difference between clutter and true dirt. A house with an active toddler in it will have toys scattered around. You could be a control freak and scream every time there's a toy out of place. All that will accomplish is a screaming parent and a frightened child. He was mad that you are "surviving" without him and needed to try to insult you to make himself feel better. Try to ignore these attempts to get to you...he wanted a reaction from you.

Laura - posted on 08/26/2009

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I would definately tell him where to go. That's rediculous! Whether it was clean or not, if it is your house he has no right telling you to clean your own house. I'd tell him if he was so worried about there being no toys on the floor then HE clean it up!

Janis - posted on 08/26/2009

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Nah I dont believe that you wrong. Having toys lying about the house comes with kids, its what they do. As you said if you had stuff growing and the mess could affect your childs health then he can say something, but otherwise he got no business saying anything. Good for you telling him off :)

Firebird - posted on 08/26/2009

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Quoting Rachell:

What are your thoughts on how much this has affected you? Maybe you still care for him more than you think. Any chance of reconciliating? You were definately not wrong, but overjustified to us and him. You know you better than anyone and you know you are not a pig. If it is way over - maybe he is trying to make you feel bad as he thinks he may feel better about himself. Maybe he cares for you and does not know how to express it. They are from Mars..... Just a different angle i hope.


There is noooo chance of reconcilling! We split for several reasons! We do still care about eachother's well being and what not  but only in the way people care for their friends. Well, he might care a little more than that but I do my best to avoid such converstions. We're doing very well to keep our friendship going because it just makes sharing a child that much easier if we aren't bitter about anything. I think we just need to sit down and have a chat to set some boundaries as he does tend to forget that certain things are no longer his business. He has always had some minor and inadvertant control issues, so I sometimes need to tell him when he's out of line. We're usually quite respectful of eachother but given the fact that he's a man, sometimes he just doesn't think! lol

Firebird - posted on 08/26/2009

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Quoting Tori:

I think Candice is right ~ just meet him at the door from here on out. That way he can come up with something as equally as pety to complain about. By the way ~ what does his house look like???


He's sleeping on my sister's futon until he gets his own place since we both moved from another province (I came to my hometown, he went to a nearby city where my sis lives to be closer to our daughter) and my sister's place is somewhat cluttered, but clean and the toys my girl plays with while she visits them are sent with her by me and come home with her, so he isn't solely responsible for keeping the place clean.... but that'll change once he get's his own place! lol

Firebird - posted on 08/26/2009

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Quoting Jaime:

HELL NO! He's still trying to have control, be glad hes your ex. :)


Oh I am glad! lol I left him for a reason after all!

[deleted account]

There is obviously a reason why he's your ex eh? LOL

My Favourite Quote

"A Clean House is the sign of a Wasted Day!"

Rachell - posted on 08/25/2009

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What are your thoughts on how much this has affected you? Maybe you still care for him more than you think. Any chance of reconciliating? You were definately not wrong, but overjustified to us and him. You know you better than anyone and you know you are not a pig. If it is way over - maybe he is trying to make you feel bad as he thinks he may feel better about himself. Maybe he cares for you and does not know how to express it. They are from Mars..... Just a different angle i hope.

Melissa - posted on 08/25/2009

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If he had custody of her, or had her over to his house alot, then he shoudl know thta toys are always going to be everywhere! There are only so many times in a day that we can pick them up. I don't know ANY moms who have immaculate houses. Toy clutter is WAAAAAAY different from a dirty house. I would tell him to take a flying leap (out of your daughters ear shot). He was just being a jerk!

Teresa - posted on 08/25/2009

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ABSOLUTELY NOT!It is none of his business if the house was untidy or not.I just wouldn't let him in the door anymore.I wonder who it is that's cleaning HIS house for him??!He probably(just guessing here)has someone that cleans up after him.Does his dishes,cooks his meals,mops his floors,does his laundry.....While he just has the fun part of playing with his daughter.

Shelli - posted on 08/25/2009

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Nope.. he had no right to say that to you. He was just trying to rattle your cage. Blow him off.

TeCara - posted on 08/25/2009

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No, you were not wrong. You should have told him since it was such a problem to him, he should clean it up. That will shut him up...

Marjorie - posted on 08/25/2009

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Even husbands we are still married to seem not to have a clue about why the house mysteriously gets messy so I can only imagine what an ex-husband would feel he has a right to say. I agree with the others who said it is best not to have harsh words with the ex in front of the child - but to be honnest I struggle with this rule with my husband so understand how it can happen. I think that some guidelines need to be set between the two of you regarding appropriate behaviour when he is there to pick up his daughter and perhaps from then on if he makes innapropriate comments like these you can remind him of what you had agreed was off limits and leave it at that.

Sierra - posted on 08/25/2009

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No you weren't wrong. If he acts like that don't invite him inside. He can wait on the porch until your child is ready to leave.

Desiree - posted on 08/25/2009

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No I don't think you were wrong. You have a child, there is bound to almost always be toys on the floor, unless you spent all you time cleaning and no time actually enjoying your child.

Tori - posted on 08/25/2009

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I think Candice is right ~ just meet him at the door from here on out. That way he can come up with something as equally as pety to complain about. By the way ~ what does his house look like???

Rachael - posted on 08/25/2009

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Tell him to keep his nose out, and show some respect - you've split up so don't actually HAVE to take his crap!!! X

Ann Marie - posted on 08/25/2009

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I would tell him that if he had a problem with my house that from now on I would meet him at the door for him to pick up the child. He would not enter my home and tell me what I need to do. He sounds like he is trying to have some kind of say so as to what you do!!! Stick to your guns!!!!

Krystal - posted on 08/25/2009

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While I agree with everyone else-no he has no need nor right to complain about YOUR house, especially if she is happy and healthy-he can make it hard on you if he wants to be a jerk. I had a nasty run in with DSS because of the same thing. Granted, I walked away better than the ex did, it made my life a living hell for a while. I agree with some of the girls saying meet him outside or in a neutral location. If he is going to be jerky and nit pick everything, let him do it somewhere else-like you really need the added stress of him doing that!

Lynda - posted on 08/25/2009

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do you inspect his house when he has your daughter? no i dont think so!! i always think housework comes second to spending time with our children.

A. Kate - posted on 08/25/2009

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Hehe, were he to see our house, he'd have a shock. There is a rule written into the mythical handbook for parents, which supposedly has all the answers to all the parenting questions written in it. It says: Have child, have mess. Simple as that, and one simply must deal with it. My daughter's 11m.old now, and I try to make a gave out of clean up in the evening, playing basketball with the toys and toybox.

Esmeralda - posted on 08/25/2009

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i dont think you were wrong at all! your child and other children ARE CHILDREN! of course toys would be around the house!



as long as you actually keep your house CLEAN then there is no problem whatsoever! even clutter to a certain extent is fine in my book.

Joanna - posted on 08/25/2009

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No way was you in the wrong! I agree with the others too......make him stand at the door and greet him there with ur daughter......I wouldn't welcome him in the house if that is all he is gonna do is make you feel down about haveing a few toys laying around....My kids are teenagers now but when they were little......i always had toys around the house......and anyone with little ones does too im sure:)

[deleted account]

Just to point out - at least your ex cares enough to worry if the house is a mess! He may have been out of line to ask you to clean up but it could definately be worse. My sister has to fight with her ex to make sure he secures the baby seat in the car properly before he takes their child - so if his crime is to care outside the bounds of his responsibility youve got it alright. I probably would have asked him to mind his own business too though ;}

Nicky - posted on 08/24/2009

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i would rather see a house with scatterd toys and other bits than a show house .. as that meens the childrena re being kids and not just left to watch tv .it also shows that you think more of other things than hiding stuff in draws. tell him to ask his mum if her house was perfect 24/7

if it was ask how much she paid the cleaner and maids..i like happy kids never mind the mess

Annette - posted on 08/24/2009

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no, you were not wrong, he's your ex for a reason and has no right telling you what you should do in YOUR house. who cares, so there were toys scattered around, big frickin deal! tell him to mind his own business, and that he's just there to pick up the baby, not to start giving orders.. and if he don't like it he don't have to come inside.

Karen - posted on 08/24/2009

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you definatly were NOT wrong! in fact if anyone ever said something like that to me, i would tell them a lot more then to mind their business!!! if that were me and he tried to tell me how to straighten up or clean my own house, i would start by asking what the hell he does all day, and then go threw everything you have to do all day and how hectic it is and if its not to his likings, thats too damn bad! shes not in any danger so your house doesnt concern him at all! she's fed, clothed, bathes, got a roof over her head. tell him you can find a real nice place to put those toys that were bothering him!

Sammantha - posted on 08/24/2009

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You don't have to explain yourself to him if it's your home and it's not in a condition to affect your children's health etc. I had to remind my ex that he is exactly that, an ex and has no rights to tell me what i can or can't do, what I should or shouldn't do and to keep his comments to himself. On the other hand, the best thing to do is anticipate his arrival if it's a scheduled pick up or drop off and just make sure the house is super clean so all he can do is WISH his were as clean as yours lol...it keeps the peace :o)

Amy - posted on 08/23/2009

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I do not think it is wrong. My house always has toys all over. My son is 7 going on 8 and I am always after him to pick up after himself.Between video games a DS and other toys. My house I do try to keep clean but it is not always easy. I fell when people come over, did they come to see you or the house. As the others said . your child is not in danger.Have a great day.

Margaret - posted on 08/23/2009

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I don't think you are wrong, having a spotless house with young ones usually means you are paying more attention to the house than to the child/children.

Kris - posted on 08/23/2009

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Hell no you are not in the wrong! :-)

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

My apt is a lil dirty, for mystandards... due to the dishes needing washing. lol

Overall... it's pretty "clean". I have to pick up dog and kids toys. :-p

I try to have my son keep his toys in his room, or if they come into the living room, to put them away. He's only going to be 2. Sounds to me... you're doing FINE!!!

Julie - posted on 08/23/2009

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Girl I would hate to see what he'd say about my house...the point is as a mom we do so much and I leave toys out for days (sometimes dishes too)...sometimes you're just too tired...I probably would have told him off a little more...but besides that someone else said in the future make him wait outside, I totally agree with that....It's your house, your life....he is no longer apart it with the exception of your daughter....Don't waste anymore worry about it...Hold your head up and tell him where to sick it!!

Teresa - posted on 08/23/2009

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Did you offer him a cup of coffee? Maybe he was having a bad day and needed someone to extend some kindness his way. In the future you may reconsider inviting him in the house. Is he there to pick up his daughter or socialize? If it snows you can invite him in so he doesnt freeze. Tell him it was the maids day off, cheerfully of course. Pray for his well being.

Carrie - posted on 08/23/2009

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I agree with all the others...he don't have the right. You have a child that means you have toys, bills and clothes. You don't even have to let him in. But it sounds like you took care of the problem well.

Sammy - posted on 08/23/2009

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If he was a real man he would have asked you if u needed a hand with anything!

In future i would make him wait outside, he was way out of line!

Melissa - posted on 08/23/2009

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OMG I am so worried that my ex will do this to me later! (If he doesn't do this in his head already) I mean that's just ridiculous! I'm guessing that you take care of your daughter most of the time and he only gets her a bit. He has no idea what it is like to take care of a child almost all the time. Not saying that it isn't a rewarding experience but its not all fun and games either. I know from personal experience (with my own ex) that he doesn't get how things can pile up when you have a young one to take care of

Carol - posted on 08/23/2009

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no not really as long as your child is in no danger he should mind his own. YOur not living in dirt. I would laugh at him. Nextv time he comes at you like that tell him go ahead pick up what bothers him and say thanks for the offer of help.

Tara - posted on 08/23/2009

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Your house is YOUR house and you know it's clean and safe for your daughter and he doesnt have to live there so I wouldnt listen to a thing he says I know my own house usually has some toys and papers lying around but I know I clean so I dont care what other people think

Firebird - posted on 08/23/2009

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Thanks girls, this shed some light on the situation. I think, now that it's been mentioned, that maybe there could have been something else on his mind because he and I are usually on very good terms, he always comes in and we hang out and talk, bug eachother and play video games together before he and our daughter leave and never before has he asked me to clean up my house. We only split about 2 months ago so we are still testing the waters on how to talk to eachother. Now that he knows that my untidy house is none of his concern, I doubt he'll bring it up again. lol

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